The bad news was, Dad didn't believe a word Clark was saying.  Even the certificate and the gold rings didn't seem to make Clark's story real to him.  He simply frowned and tilted his head, as if Clark were a barn cat mewling randomly.

Mom was more credulous.  Her reaction, however, was completely unnerving.

"Clark, how could you do this?" she said in the horrible Voice of Parental Disappointment.  "You were raised to believe that marriage is a sacred institution, that two people who get married make a real commitment to love and support each other.  It's not something you use for financial security."

Lex shifted in his chair.  He'd been oddly quiet since their arrival.

Clark tried very hard to convince himself he wasn't upset by his mother's tone.  "Mom, I did it so you and Dad wouldn't have to mortgage the farm.  You shouldn't have to go into debt just to put me through school.  And, really, what's the harm?"

Dad had perked up a bit at the word 'mortgage'.  "So ... you and ... Lex ..." he said slowly, clearly still translating from barncat.

"The harm is that you've placed yourself under a microscope, Clark.  You've placed all of us under a microscope.  And you *know* that we wouldn't want that," Martha said sharply.  "Clark, this was a foolish thing to do."

Clark flushed miserably.

"Why does it say 'bride' under Clark's name?" Jonathan asked, pulling the marriage certificate towards him.

"He's prettier than me," Lex replied absently.  He and Dad were in the same bell jar, apparently.

"Mom, it's really not that bad.  Lex has a plan, he's going to take care of everything.  I promise, this isn't as terrible as it sounds," Clark pleaded, feeling himself on the verge of tears.

Mom *was* crying, and god, if Clark had needed another reason to feel like shit, that was it.  "I just don't understand how you could keep something like this from your father and me."

Clark looked over at Lex, but Lex was off in Non-Confrontational Land.  Clark could tell by the look in his eye that he was thinking about LexCorp business or maybe some Greek myth.  He was a million miles from the kitchen table and Martha's teary rebukes.

"I'm sorry, Mom, but if I'd told you, you would have tried to stop me," Clark sighed.

"Because what you've done is *wrong*, Clark Kent!" she reproached.  "You knew it, too, that's why you didn't say anything."

"But ... you're not gay, son," Dad interjected slowly.  "Don't you have to be gay to marry another man?"

Clark held back a sigh of impatience.  "It's not like there's a test you have to take, Dad.  They kind of assume that you're gay if you want to marry a man."

"Actually, they showed us swatches of fabric and made us give a different name for each of seventeen different shades of purple," Lex contributed helpfully.  "Clark got stuck at aubergine, but I slipped him a crib note."

Clark cut a glare across the table at Lex.  "Not helping."

But Mom was too distressed and Dad was too shellshocked for either of them to register Lex's words.

"Mom, I swear, this is going to be okay.  I'm sorry if I've caused you any trouble, but Lex's people have everything worked out.  All you have to do is say 'no comment' and by next Sunday, this will all have blown over."

"Now, wait a second," Dad said, his voice picking up in intensity.  "Are you telling me that this is going to be in the *paper* today?"

Clark had a feeling the bell jar was about to shatter.  "Wow, when's our flight leaving, Lex?"

Lex may have been off in his own world, but he had Luthor survival instincts and knew a storm cloud on the horizon when he saw one.  He made a show of looking at his watch.  "Oh, jeez, Clark, we should get on the road."

"Mom, we'll call when we get there," Clark said hurriedly.  "Here's Lex's cell number, call if you need any help with the media."

"Clark," Martha said gently, wiping at her eyes.  "I ... You know I love you, sweetheart ... I'm just ..."

Clark kissed her cheek.  "I know, Mom."  He glanced over at Jonathan and decided against giving his father a farewell hug.  The storm was imminent, judging by the look on Dad's face.

"What ... what am I going to say to Don Masters when I see him at the Coyote?" Jonathan demanded, getting paler.

"Well, see you later!" Clark squeaked, bolting up from the table.  "Come on, Lex."

A minute later, when they were safely in the Porsche and back on the highway, Clark exhaled fully for the first time in an hour.  "That went well," Lex smiled.

"Yeah, it was a fucking dream," Clark grumbled in response.