|
Vol. IX, No. 43 October 25, 2003 IN THIS ISSUE:
 Margaret Manning encounters difficulties in THE ART OF FILLING IN FORMS I used to think people who had difficulty filling in forms were a bit on the thick side. I mean, how many problems can there be in filling in the answers to specific questions in specially designed boxes? Well, that's what I used to think. Is it just me getting older or are the answer boxes on the forms getting smaller? I'm sure there was more space for the detailed answers years ago. And even the little boxes for either a tick or an X have become a lot smaller. Perhaps that's because the number of questions to be answered on any given topic has expanded. Instead of 124 easy-answer questions there are now 297. In New Zealand it seems that every computer pumping out forms has been programmed with one particular question. The question itself is short enough: "What is your ethnic origin?" but the option boxes are quite extensive, and might be a bit confusing. I'm never quite sure which box to complete. Should I be naughty and fill in Samoan or Tongan? Um, that's no good. Whoever heard of a Samoan or Tongan with my name? Other options include Niuean or Tokelaun (for the unfamiliar, these are both tiny islands in the South Pacific). Ticking those won't fool anyone either. How about Cook Island Maori? Do many people know what a Cook Island Maori looks like? I mean, is their appearance different from the New Zealand Maori? The language is a bit different anyway. No, that won't work either. As for the simple word "Maori", the first ethnic type listed on most forms, if I answer "Yes" to that one I might get away with it as a lot of people identifying themselves as Maori have quite European-sounding names. But then there's a problem because if I tick "Yes" I have to go to the next box to identify my tribal affiliation. Ah, that could be very difficult as somebody might check up on the answers and find I'm not Maori at all. I can't really fill in the box marked "New Zealand born" because I wasn't born here. Okay, so what's left? Sometimes the form might have a separate box for "American" (not in itself an ETHNICITY surely?) and occasionally Dutch. I boil with rage when I read the word "European" as an option. What on earth IS a European? Is that a true ethnicity? Or just a convenient name for the large number of mixed races that live on the continent of Europe? So I won't tick that box. I don't like that one at all. I'm usually left with the option called "Other". So I write in (taking up a lot more space than is officially allowed) the words "I am certainly not an Other. I was born in England but have New Zealand citizenship." I wonder how the bureaucratic computers deal with such answers. And under which official ethnic group they put me. So when I recently had to complete an application for New Zealand Superannuation (I still call it the Old Age Pension) I was faced again with the ethnic dilemma. They also wanted to know when and where I worked in England and for how long. Not content with that, I also had to provide similar information for my partner. Then there was the production of at least two documents to prove who I said I was and two for my partner to prove his details. The really strange thing about that particular bit of bureaucracy was that almost all the information requested was already on their files as my husband has been on the pension for several years already and had provided details of me at that time. But that wasn't enough. We had to start all over again as if they had no previous record of us. Well, never mind. As long as I get the OAP, "she'll be right" - I hope.
Jack Peaker wrote this article for the Guelph Seniors Sentinel, and has kindly sent it on to us: THE ERA OF THE BIG BANDS - WILL IT LAST FOREVER? There is still dispute as to whether the sweet sounds eminating from Artie Shaw's clarinet outshone those of Benny (the King of Swing) Goodman's. Similarly, which of the Dorsey Brothers outranked the other - Jimmy with his tango rhythms such as "Green Eyes" and "Tangerine" or the sentimental sounds of Tommy with his theme song, "Getting Sentimental Over you". Guess Tommy won out when that skinny kid began singing for him and later became the legend that Frank Sinatra remains to this day. Or Glen Miller, whose romantic tunes such as his theme song, "Moonlight Serenade", are sometimes given credit for increasing the birth rate? My favourite song was his "Stairway to the Stars", sung by his vocalist, Johney Desmond. Ray Eberly was Glen's best-known vocalist. Other outstanding male singers of the era included his brother, Bob Eberly, who sang with Jimmy Dorsey for eight years, Tony Martin ("There's No Tomorrow"), Vic Damone, Eddie Fisher and Vaughan (adenoids) Monroe. That Sophisticated Gentleman Duke Ellington's theme song, "Take the A Train", was difficult for most vocalists, but sounded superb when the queen of "scat singing", Ella Fitzgerald (1917-1996) took the microphone. She was "the best singer on the planet" according to Mel Torme, who was himself one of the great male singers. Artie Shaw is the only Big Band leader still living, and though not reputed to be a pleasant man, must get credit for launching some of the great vocalists such as Dick Haymes and Helen Forrest, whose songs like "I Had the Craziest Dream" made romance bloom when sung in front of Artie's clarinet. Many a jitterbugging contest ended in the wee hours with Count Basies' "One O'clock Jump", who sometimes featured the unmatched trumpet and vocals of Louis Armstrong, who later fronted his own band. When his "Saints Go Marching In" was blasted out, the joints jumped as never before. The last of the Big Bands I had the pleasure of hearing was that of trumpeter Harry James, whose wife was wartime pin-up girl, Betty Grable. His theme song was "Ciribinbin". Frank sang with him for a short time. The rhythmic sounds of jazz were entwined with the romantic ones of the Big Band Era. Some greats of jazz, like the never-equalled Billie Holiday (Lady Day), who sang with many of the bands, passed away at early ages, because of drug use, as did other jazz greats like saxophonist Charlie Parker, trumpeter Roy Eldridge, pianist Eddy Duchin, saxophonist Lester (Prez) Young, drummer Gene Krupa, trumpeter Dizzy Gillespie, cornetist Bix Beiderbecke, and saxophonist Coleman Hawkins. They used to call the female singers canaries and there were dozens of great ones, including Jo Stafford, Sarah Vaughan, Peggy Lee, Lena Horne, Helen O'Connell and Rosemary Clooney. Other great bands not mentioned above must include those of vibrophonist Lionel Hampton, pianist Claude Thornhill, clarinetist Woody Herman, Xavier Cugat, and singer (heidy heidy ho) Cab Calloway. Canada was not left out and Guy Lombardo and his "Royal Canadians" of London must be given honouable mention. The Era of the Big Bands lingers on - more than just happy memories - but "Thanks for the Memories"!
CORRESPONDENCE Jean Sterling comments on Dick Monaghan's New York story in the last issue: "...but on the subway you swipe the card in a slot, and you have to do it exactly right, neither too fast nor too slow. It will not let you through until you do it right." I can remember doing this with my son's subway card and how it took several swipes before I got it right. I was just glad that it wasn't rush hour. "Circle Line Tour: I would advise anyone going to New York to take the three-hour Circle Line boat trip around the island of Manhattan. You get a great view of the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island, and a spectacular view of Manhattan. We started about West 43rd St., sailed south around the Battery and under the Brooklyn and Manhattan bridges. (I had never heard of the Manhattan Bridge.) I had not thought about the Harlem River at the north end of the island." I remember that my dad took me on that when I was a child. I went on it again about five years ago. It's a great way to see NYC.
Dixie Augusteijn has been sorting out her collections, and passes on this WARNING TO WOMEN ...Here is a bit of a glimpse from the past. In going through my genealogical files I came across this item taken from the Perth County Herald, Stratford, July 15, 1863. It is a Warning to Women: The law against obtaining husbands under false pretenses passed by the Engish Parliament in 1700 enacts: "That all women, of whatever rank, profession or degree, who shall, after this act, impose upon, seduce, and betray into matrimony any of his majesty's subjects, by virtue of scents, paints, cosmetic washes, artificial teeth, iron strays, (sic), bolstered hoops, or high-heeled shoes, shall incur the penalty of the law now in force against witchcraft and like misdemeanors, and the marriage under such circumstances upon conviction of the offending parties, shall be null an void." Men really had to be careful!!
Don Henderson sends these questions and observations about COMPUTERS What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory What does a baby computer call his father? Data What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat What is a computer virus? A terminal illness ~ To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer. ~ Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. ~ Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. ~ The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord. ~ As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. ~ Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
Kate Brookfield forwards this story of an ANNIVERSARY A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses. "Happy anniversary, mom and dad," gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late...had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you a present." "Not to worry," said the dad. "The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and mom still look great, dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present....sorry." "It's nothing," said the father. "Glad you were able to be here." Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing.... So I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care; at least the five of us are together today." During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there's something your mother and I wanted to tell you for a long time. Well ... your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. We always knew we loved each other but ... never got around to getting married." The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS?" "Yep," said the dad. "And cheap ones too!"
Bruce Galway shares some DEEP THOUGHTS I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I was thinking about old age and decided that it's when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it. I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust." You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!" I' ve thought about those employment applications and that blank that always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write ... "Good doctor"! I've always wondered why they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do ... write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so that mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? I think about being rich; and it doesn't mean very much really. Just look at Henry Ford; all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac! If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight? I wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp? I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!" You have to fight to give a dog a bath, yet they'll sit out in the rain for hours on end. I think the reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they wouldn't be caught dead in otherwise. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Carol Shoemaker sends these suggestions on HOW TO STAY AWAKE IN MEETINGS Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that. 1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns - five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks. 2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block: * synergy * strategic fit * core competencies * best practice * bottom line * revisit * expeditious * to tell you the truth (or "the truth is") * 24/7 * out of the loop * benchmark * value-added * proactive * win-win * think outside the box * fast track * result-driven * empower (or empowerment) * knowledge base * at the end of the day * touch base * mindset * client focus(ed) * paradigm * game plan * leverage 3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words or phrases. 4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!" Testimonials from satisfied "BullShit Bingo" players: ~ "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." - Adam W., Atlanta ~ "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."- David T., Florida ~ "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."- Dan J., New York City ~ "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver ~ "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours."- Bob Q., Indianapolis
BUY A DOG If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section - buy a dog. If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you - buy a dog. If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it - buy a dog. If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want - buy a dog. If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a _____ about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies - buy a dog. If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores - buy a dog. If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually - buy a dog. But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness ... then my friend, buy a cat!
I am astounded ... at the wonderful power you have developed - and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on record forever. - Arthur Sullivan, on seeing a demonstration of Edison's new talking machine in 1888 |