THE TALE SPINNER
Vol. XVI, No. 40
October 2, 2010
IN THIS ISSUE:Vol. XVI, No. 40
October 2, 2010
Kate Brookfield writes about the wedding in Scotland
Betty Fehlhaber and Norma Patterson have suggestions for Halloween
Zvonko Springer sends more examples of Engrish
Gerrit deLeeuw forwards a story of a wily Newfie
Pat Moore's post explains why proofreading is important
The editor does lunch with old friends
Sites are suggested by Catherine Green, Don Henderson, and Pat Moore
Kate Brookfield explains why this instalment of her story precedes the last one: My stories are out of chronological order due to my error in sending the story of the wedding to the wrong Jean in my address book. This account of the wedding should have followed our visit to Edinburgh zoo and last week's story of our departure to England was, of course, after the wedding in Scotland. Here is a description of the wedding, which was the main reason for our visit to
SCOTLAND AND NORTHERN ENGLAND
Shortly after we returned to the house after our day at Edinburgh Castle, a car pulled into the driveway with a couple of long-time friends of the family. The wife was a neighbour and friend who grew up with my husband and his sister. We managed to find bedding for the sofa-bed in the living room.
The following day was the big day. Lots of excitement in the house as everybody got togged up for the happy event. One snag ... it was pouring rain. Eventually we all got into cars and drove a short way to a farm which was the wedding location. Farmers are beginning to see the profit in renting out their facilities for events.
We drove into the muddy farmyard and were directed to a small barn, where a pig was roasting on a spit. Behind the barbecue pit was a row of black welly boots (rubber boots or Wellington boots are known in the UK as "wellies"). On racks above were dainty sparkling silver and gold ladies' shoes, typical footwear for a traditional wedding. We were told that the walk to the wedding location was a bit muddy and we should wear the boots as it was quite a trek uphill to the marquee. So with umbrellas and wellies we wended our way through mud and cow plats to the marquee.
It was relatively dry under the marquee, but quite cold and breezy, especially in light-weight dresses. Ahead was a small lake with the hills behind, so it was a pretty setting ... or would have been without the rain. I had bought myself a tartan wool cape in Edinburgh, as I knew the wrap I had brought to wear at the wedding would not be very warm, and I could hardly wear my anorak! There were Danish cheeses and ham cuts and drinks to keep us occupied until the bride arrived. The groom, best man, bride’s brother, and a few other guys were all wearing kilts. Eventually, we heard the bagpipes piping in the bride. I think she was driven to the site, but she was wearing little pink wellies.
The marriage was conducted by the Humanitarian Society, so we had to listen to a speech about Humanitarians and their philosophy. But in time, the vows were made and the photographs were taken. Thankfully, the rain did stop for a time and a watery sun shone on the happy couple. For the young and active, there were games to play, such as throwing the welly in the tractor wheel, but we were glad to walk back to the farm in the hope of finding someplace warm.
The reception was held in a large barn and there were excellent heaters blowing out warm air. In fact, inside, it didn’t look like a barn at all. There was a reception area in front of the large dining area. The bride and groom gave their speeches in this area. Suzie had prepared a Power Point Presentation for her speech as she said it would be easier for her. The laptop and screen was set up and we saw images of all the people she thanked for this day. Imagine my embarrassment when a large photo was shown on the screen of our family at Caroline’s wedding, and I was wearing the same dress, minus the Scottish plaid! Well, I had only worn it the once and I was sure nobody would notice if I wore the same dress again. Actually, I don’t think anybody did notice! It was very moving to see the smiling faces of her deceased parents.
We all moved into the main area where all the tables were set for the wedding feast. After the death of her father, Suzie went to live with the family of her best friend from school, and this family were the main hosts, with the three sisters as bridesmaids. They had taken her into their family and we were happy to see how much they loved her.
After an excellent meal and more speeches, the band set up and the dancing started. Cole, our two-year-old, stole the show. You can see how much on the little video with the Picasa photos on my website: http://arunaurl.com/407m.
The next day there was glorious sunshine. The newlyweds visited us at the tower house, driving up in a white convertible car. We had a better opportunity to talk and to show them our tower house accommodation. Jim and Ann left later in the day. Robert and Amanda were packing up, as they were leaving the next day to drive to Dover for another wedding on the Thursday. Saturday is no longer the only day for weddings.
We thought we had the house until Wednesday, but the owner came to tell us that we had to leave the next day, too. We were surprised as we thought we had booked a full week and had not noticed the date. So there was panic as we all had to pack up and be out of the house by 11:00 a.m. the following day.
To be continued.
CORRESPONDENCE
Betty Fehlhaber writes: In reply to Carole Dilworth's dilemma about Halloween hand-outs, what about a selection of fruit teas appropriately labelled, or a few restaurant-size jams and jellies (I'm sure they're available at Costco). These can be placed in brown paper lunch bags or small-sized ziploc baggies.
Zvonko Springer sends more examples from other countries of
ENGRISH
From China and Japan:
In 2002, a sign in front of a rock garden in the Forbidden City in Beijing warned tourists: Please do not climb on the rocketry.
Sign over the information booth in a Beijing railroad station: Question Authority.
Included with the package of complimentary wares in a Chinese hotel was a pair of workout shorts marked: Uncomplimentary Pants.
A paragliding site near Beijing has a sign that reads: Site of Jumping Umbrella.
The translation of the Ethnic Minorities Park in Beijing for a long time was Racist Park.
From the BBC News, brought to our attention by Susan Lister:
Supermarket, Hong Kong: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth Extracted by the Latest Methodists.
The box of a clockwork toys made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: Cooles and heates; if you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.
Translated from Japanese to English and included in the instructions for a soap bubble gun: While solution is not toxic it will not make child edible.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.
Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: Please do not bring solicitors into your room.
From Africa:
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Nairobi restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
On a South African building: Mental Health Prevention Centre.
In a South African maternity ward: No children allowed.
From Mexico:
Hotel, Acapulco: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Author Unknown:
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
NEW: Translator Brett Jocelyn Epstein's favourite menu entries:
• A rasher of joints
• Duck with dry fruits and jewels
• Well-hung meat (aged?)
• Cloudberry consume
ED. NOTE: I don't suppose we do any better translating our signs into foreign languages, so perhaps we also provide other peoples with laughter at our expense.
Gerrit deLeeuw asks
WHO SAID THAT NEWFIES AREN'T SMART?
Recently a routine RCMP patrol parked outside a bar just off the main highway at Goobies Reach, Newfoundland.
After last call, the officer noticed one of the men leaving the bar was so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car, into which he fell. After sitting in the driver's seat for a few minutes, he rolled down his window and cast a hook and line out the window. He seemed to think he was trying to catch a fish.
A large number of other patrons just ignored the crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.
Finally the drunk started his car, switched the wipers on and off- even though it was a fine, dry night - flicked the turn signals on, then off, a couple of times, honked his horn and then switched on the lights. Several times.
He then reeled in his hook and line and moved his vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained motionless for a few more minutes as the rest of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot was completely empty except for the drunk, who finally lurched out of the parking lot and started to weave slowly down the road.
The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now triumphantly started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and promptly administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated that the man had consumed no alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to headquarters. This breathalyzer equipment must be faulty."
"I doubts it, my son," grinned the proud Newfoundlander. "Tonight, Oi'm the designated decoy."
Pat Moore forwards some examples of
THE IMPORTANCE OF PROOF READING
* IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."
* It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.
* There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.
* There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our deep relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.
* In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo". We apologize for our mistake.
* Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.
* In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
* Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."
* In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's South-western chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.
* The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.
FROM THE EDITOR'S DESKTOP
For 17 years I was a school librarian, and it is now 23 years since I retired. During those 40 years, the women who volunteered in the library and I have been having dinners and lunches several times a year.
We used to go to dinner in various restaurants on the North Shore, and once we came to Burnaby to a Portuguese restaurant. That was fun in a very lively atmosphere, with music and dancing and singing. At least one of our number daringly danced with a Portuguese man, and in a lull in the conversation we all heard her say in a piercing English voice, "And besides, the cost of living has gone up...." We still laugh about that.
On Monday three of the "girls" came to New Westminster from North Vancouver, where the school I worked in is now a designated heritage building, to join me for lunch at the Old Spaghetti Factory. We had a great time, laughing and reminiscing and talking about children and grandchildren and in general catching up on one another's news. Two others were supposed to join us but for some reason did not turn up.
This is not the total of those who still come to our lunches when they can make it. One of them, Ann Kemp, who now lives in Penticton, is holidaying in Europe; Anna Erho, who lives in Cultus Lake, was leaving the next day for Terrace in northern BC; and Doreen Stone, who lives on Vancouver Island, can no longer leave her husband alone because of his failing eyesight.
Sometimes they have doctor's appointments; other times they are on holiday; sometimes they are not feeling well, but I believe that they make a real effort to join us. It is such a long association, and we all value the contact with people we used to work with.
Depending on the weather, we will meet again in January, when three of us have birthdays within the week. One of those who used to celebrate her birthday during the same week, Dorothy Gibson, died most unexpectedly - the only one we have lost. Of course, most of them are much younger than I because I did not become a librarian until I was 49, and they all had young children in the school. Now they have grandchildren, and one even has great-grandchildren!
I know of professionals who still get together yearly, but I've never heard of volunteers who have met for 40 years. I think we must have established a record. I wonder if we qualify for the Guinness Book of Records?
SUGGESTED WEBSITES
Catherine Green likes this video of a cat and a paper bag:
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In Defense of Food from Bioneers on Vimeo.
You may also read this newsletter online at:
http://nw-seniors.org/stories.html
"Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." - Albert Einstein
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