THE TALE SPINNER
Vol. XVI, No. 46
November 13, 2010
IN THIS ISSUE:Vol. XVI, No. 46
November 13, 2010
Zvonko Springer resumes his tale of an adventurous safari
Wendy Fisher writes to ask for your Christmas memories
Don Henderson forwards a request that you read labels before you buy
Dick Chenot sends a story about Louisiana declaring war on the US
Betty Audet forwards some laws which sound much like Murphy's
Carol Shoemaker's story tells of a unique reason for a holiday
Pat Moore shares a story of tourists in Wales
Catherine Green tells of a man's worst day ever
The editor is floundering in a wave of technology
Sites are suggested by Bruce Galway, Pat Moore, and Tom Williamson
Zvonko Springer hits the road again on their
SECOND AFRICAN SAFARI
It was pleasant speeding up the almost straight tarmac road, but I heard a wheel cover fall off, disappearing somewhere into the bush. I noticed that the "brand-new tires" were worn down considerably and we had changed the rear tire on the driver’s side for a reserve tire. The manager of the VW service station thought the "brand new tires" were actually renovated old tires. This was obviously done at the factory garage, where I was had been told that brand-new tires were mounted on my car especially for this safari. Bastards! What else could happen to us, I wondered.
Soon after Bombo the road surface turned into murram, and somewhere I made a wrong turn, so I had to return a short distance to get back onto the right track. Another bad sign? The murram road was well kept up, and was almost straight, but with ups and downs so we could not see far. Settlements became scarcer as we drove through grassy plains that were probably marshy in syncline. We saw many herds of grazing cattle but there were no large farms like those in Kenya in some regions. We crossed several bridges and I missed the correct turn again so after turning back, I had to overtake a cistern truck again. The driver waved happily to us every time we passed him. I hoped it would not necessary for the truck to tow us to our obviously mutual goal.
The road was smooth, almost as if somebody had ironed the murram. This made driving easy and smooth so we entered the small orderly town of Masindi. We passed on a short stretch of tarmac the post building, the district commissionaire’s house, Barclay’s and Gridley’s Banks, a modern school building. etc. I got petrol and we drove on towards Gulu and the Murchison Falls National Park some 90km away. First the narrow road passed through steppe country with high grass, then we entered a thick forest and came out of it at the edge of the escarpment. There we had a marvellous view of the Victoria Nile River, lit by the last rays of the sun, except for some ominous dark clouds far to the west.
It was 4:30PM so there was no time for "romantic" sightseeing as we had to reach the last ferry leaving at 6:30PM. Vesna pointed to a few elephants and buffalo herds along the route. The steep descent had a surface of cotton soil, or sandy clay, that could easily turn into a quagmire when wet. Soon we arrived at the park gate, where we paid the entrance fees and bought a map. Of course Vesna enquired about lions and other major animals. As I drove on as fast as possible, Ljiljana complained about my wobbly driving. I stopped, although I was unnerved at being some 15km from the ferry landing. Oh boy, the new tire on the rear right wheel was flat! Blast!
Prospects were bad as the rain was approaching rapidly. We all got and looked for the reserve tire and the jack. Placing the jack, I got the car up a little to remove the flat tire. When I was putting on the other wheel, the car shifted, bending the gear in the jack. Unfortunately, the stone under the front wheel did not prevent the car from moving. I could not remove the jack! So Ljiljana and I lifted the car enough for Vesna to put a board under the rear wheel, then I could pull the gear out of its hold, bending it by brute force. After that I reinstalled the jack and hastily finished that awkward job. As we finished packing all the bits and pieces, the rain started. The downpour hit us with full force as I started the engine. The restricted view forced me to drive with the utmost concentration the last 15km in a way I had never done before. The road was slippery and a sharp turn would take us off the road. It rained continuously and water spilled over the road surface so I drove through shallow drifts at a few places. One was rather risky as I had to go through a rivulet to detour a demolished bridge.
Vesna continued pointing excitedly to any larger herd of elephants and buffalos, but my whole objective was to get to the ferry in time, and that made me nervous. Then the rain stopped suddenly so we could see in the shimmer of the setting sun the waiting ferry at the left bank of the Victoria Nile. We saw the Paraa Lodge on the opposite side with a few buildings, some of which were under construction. We reached the ferry in time, and its two strong outboard motors moved it across the strong river current swollen by a lot of rain. Within 15 minutes we were on the other side.
We were a bit concerned about the accommodation on a construction site. The largest building looked like a plant, so we jokingly imagined that it could be a factory for the production of hippo meat. Our doubts were soon dispelled as we were given "The Royal Cottage" for an additional charge of Shs5. This investment was worth of it as the lodge was about 25m from the river bank and far enough from the construction site. The works were for a new hotel and the other ancillary buildings for the staff and of park management.
The cottage had a wide verandah overlooking the Victoria Nile before it flowed into Lake Albert. From here the river flowed north under the name of Albert Nile. There was a fishermen's village across the wide waters and there had to be plenty of hippos. Their smell was unmistakable! We noticed hippos basking in the river shallows some 30m down river from our lodging. It was not just the hippos' smell; we could hear their grunting and puffing sounds like: HO! HOO-HO-HO-HUUUH!
There was no electricity but the gaslight was OK for us. A warm water shower was welcome after that very hard day. After a brief rest we went to the restaurant, where we enjoyed a standard good meal produced by the Uganda Hotels Ltd.
After dinner we left the restaurant, walking to the cottage along a footpath dimly lit by several gaslights. It was almost pitch dark, yet we noticed a dark shadow close to our cottage. Moving slowly, we could see the silhouette of an elephant browsing on a bush next to the house. I took a few haphazard shots using the camera flash, waiting for a while until the creature moved towards the river. (The pictures never came out due to the great distance!) In the wee hours of the night I heard a strange munching noise from the verandah. I got up and with camera ready, unlocked the door. The shadow filled the whole of my sight lit by the moon down to the river. A hippopotamus grazed broadside some 7m from me. FLASH! I could not see anything! The next moment that massive body vanished. The resulting picture was full of the hippo's body.
The new day was sunny and warm so we decided to visit the Murchison Falls site. First I went to the garage to repair the flat tire. I was annoyed because I had forgotten to take a new inner tube with me. Obviously I had misplaced a reserve belt for the ventilator that could be disastrous for us if the engine cooling system failed. The mechanic was good at his job so he mounted the repaired tire and I put the reserve safely back to its place.
After a late breakfast we drove some 25km back the way we had come in the day before. We crossed the Victoria Nile on the same ferry. The road was dry with a few potholes still filled with water that I could easily avoid. In the great flood of 1961 a bridge was destroyed, making the access to the waterfalls more complex. The trail was tricky, with many sharp curves and ups and downs along a narrow valley between steep hills. Suddenly a gap between hills opened in front of us. We saw the river's blue waters some 300m away and could hear a thunderous noise. We had arrived at Murchison waterfall of the Victoria Nile at last.
To be continued.
CORRESPONDENCE
Wendy Fisher writes: You probably do not remember writing a story for a Christmas issue of Inky Trail News. This year I am posting all the great Christmas stories I've collected over 19 years of publishing ITN on a new Christmas website. If any of your readers have a Christmas memory to share, I'd love to get them! The site is relatively new and there's lot of room to add more.
ED. NOTE: It's that time of year when I too start planning for the Christmas issue, so if any of you have memories of a unforgettable Christmas, please send them to me, with the understanding that they will also appear in Wendy's new website. Here's your chance for fame, if not fortune.
Don Henderson forwards this important suggestion:
BUY MADE IN CANADA
A physics teacher in high school once told the students that while one grasshopper on the railroad tracks wouldn't slow a train, a billion of them would. With that thought in mind, read the following, obviously written by a good Canadian.
I was in Lowe's the other day for some reason and just for the fun of it I was looking at the hose attachments. They were all made in China. The next day I was in Home Hardware, and just for the fun of it, I checked the hose attachments there. They were made in Canada! Start looking.
Don adds: Our Canadian politicians allow foreign-made products to be marked MADE IN CANADA if they are packaged in Canada!
In our current economic situation, every little thing we buy or do affects someone else - even their job. So after reading this e-mail, I think this lady is on the right track. Let's get behind her!
She said: My grandson likes Hershey's candy. I noticed, though, that it is marked made in Mexico. I do not buy it any more. My favourite toothpaste, Colgate, is made in Mexico. I have switched to Crest. You have to read the labels on everything.
To add to your list of don't buys: Del Monte has closed its Canadian plants to bring its peaches in from China. That caused Canadian farmers to destroy 5,000 acres of peach orchards because they had no market for their produce. Smuckers, which bought Bicks Pickles and Catelli Foods, among others, is closing all its Canadian pickle-processing plants and moving production of all its products to the States. In Southern Ontario alone, 600 farmers supplied Bicks, and hundreds of plant workers work in the factories. What happens to all of them? Smuckers is now second only to Kraft Foods in dominating the Canadian food market. They also own Robin Hood Mills.
This past weekend I was at Wal-Mart. I needed 60W light bulbs. In the light bulb aisle, and right next to the GE brand I normally buy, was an off-brand labeled, "Everyday Value". I picked up both types of bulbs and compared the stats - they were the same except for the price. The GE bulbs were more money than the Everyday Value brand but the thing that surprised me the most was the fact that GE was made in Mexico and the Everyday Value brand was made in - get ready for this - Canada by a company in Ontario. Their Equate products are also made in Canada, and are very good.
Throw out the myth that you cannot find products you use every day that are made right here.
My challenge to you is to start reading the labels when you shop for everyday things and see what you can find that are made in Canada. The job you save may be your own or your neighbour's! Or your children's or grandchildren's.
If you accept this challenge, pass it on to others in your address book so we can all start buying Canadian, one light bulb at a time! Stop buying from overseas companies! Let's get with the program: help our fellow Canadians keep their jobs and create more jobs here in Canada.
If President Obama insists on a Made in America policy, which is commendable of him, to support American workers, we should do likewise. Buy Canadian! Read the labels. Support Canadian jobs.
Dick Chenot sends a variation of the Newfie version of this story:
LOUISIANA DECLARES WAR ON THE USA
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama, " a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Boudreaux, down here at the Joes' Crab Shack, Acadia Parish, Louisiana. I am callin' to tell ya’ll dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well, Boudreaux," Barack replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Boudreaux, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Pierre, my next-door-neighbor Francois, and the whole Evangeline hunt club. That makes eleven!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"No for sure!" said Boudreaux. "I'll have ta call back at ya!"
Sure enough, the next day, Boudreaux called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have done acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Boudreaux?" Barack asked.
"Well cher, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Francois's farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above," said Boudreaux, "I'll for sure be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day. " President Obama, the war is still on! We have done managed to go git ourselves airborne! We for sure up an' modified Pierre's ultra-light with jess a few shotgun in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have done come and joined us as well!"
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Oh Lord," said Boudreaux. "For sure I'll have to call back at you."
Sure enough, Boudreaux called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have done had to call off dat war what we was talking bout."
"I'm not surprised to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, cher," said Boudreaux, "we've all done sat down and had a long chat over some crawfish and beers, and we done come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."
Betty Audet forwards these laws from the United Senior Citizen's of Ontario October issue:
IMMUTABLE LAWS
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability - the probability of being watched is directly in proportion to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
ED. NOTE: How about the law of inevitability: If you have an outing planned for a holiday or a weekend, it will rain.
Carol Shoemaker sends this one about
SIAMESE TWINS
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country. The history, the beer, the culture...."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson beer, that's us, eh Jim?"
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Pat Moore forwards this story about
TOURISTS
On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,
"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr ... gurrr ... king!"
Catherine Green sends this story of
THE WORST DAY EVER
There I am, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
"I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing!
"But enough about me.... How's your day going?"
FROM THE EDITOR'S DESKTOP
I'm getting awfully tired of technology.
When I got the contraption for the medical alert, it took many phone calls and e-mails before I finally got it hooked up properly and heard an operator say, "How may we help you, Mrs. Sansum?"
Then there was the Sansa Fuze, which is similar to an iPod, which my daughter sent me to while away the long hours she envisioned me spending in hospital the next time I faint in a grocery shop - or whatever other disaster her fertile imagination can dream up. I'm sure it was extremely simple, but I can make a hash of the simplest instructions, which are obviously written in a foreign language. It ended with my mailing it back to Ottawa, where she transposed some audio books she knows I like onto it, and mailed it back, along with copious instructions on how to operate the thing.
I actually managed to listen to the beginning of "The Wyrd Sisters" by Terry Pratchett before I left it for something else and forgot about it. I am really not into audio; I prefer to read for myself.
Eventually I thought of it again and decided I should download some of the material that was waiting to be added to the Fuze, but somehow I managed to plug a connection for an old iPod into the same sort of slot on the Fuze - and then I could not remove it. It's still there....
I got a new phone setup and tried to figure out how to enter names and numbers into its memory so I can speed dial. I read the instructions, and I could feel my mind curling up in a little ball and hiding in a dark corner. Eventually, Tiffany, the young Chinese woman who comes once a week to improve her English, figured it out for me. She is computer literate and hopes to become work as a data technician sometime soon.
I have always thought I was reasonably intelligent, but somehow the new technology which surrounds us has left me far behind. What I need is a kid to figure out these things for me, because they have taken to the new world like ducks to water.
SUGGESTED WEBSITES
Bruce Galway sends this link to a video of a cat and dog sparring, with many other short videos of cute pets listed at the end:
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Journalist Misha Glenny spent several years in a courageous investigation of organized crime networks worldwide, which have grown to an estimated 15% of the global economy. From the Russian mafia, to giant drug cartels, his sources include not just intelligence and law enforcement officials but criminal insiders. He even mentions the trade in BC bud:
You may also read this newsletter online at:
http://nw-seniors.org/stories.html
A peace that depends on fear is nothing but a suppressed war. - Henry Van Dyke
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