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Vol. IX, No. 45 November 8, 2003 IN THIS ISSUE:
 Margaret Manning enjoys reading maps: TUMONZ - The Ultimate Map of New Zealand I love studying maps. It doesn't matter whether it's a map of Afghanistan or China, Canada or Peru, Britain or India. As long as it's a map I'll be interested in it. My long-suffering husband realised many years ago that giving me a map to look at was an excellent way to keep me quiet. As soon as we get in the car to go on a trip, it's suggested that I open up the North Island plan for the route south. It's hardly necessary as we've travelled the route hundreds of times but Eric knows I'll always find some new detail to keep me interested. So I wasn't really surprised when he gave me the TUMONZ computer program for Christmas last year. I don't know if N.Z. is the only country to produce its own on-screen atlas but it's the only one I know of. I am really amazed at the amount of detail available with this program. All I have to do is click on Search and I have the choice of a Quick Road, Quick Place, or Quick Name. I type in the place I want to find - say Lake Ngatu where I live - and a detailed map appears. I can then zoom in to get a closer picture and can see blocks marked in grey that indicate buildings. Exotic and native forests are shown in different colours. I can add icons at a specific point to pinpoint something, such as a house that has been built since the map was issued. I can also add the specific co-ordinates for any feature. If I wish, I can save everything I've done to the map and print it off. I found by clicking on Schemes, I could get different colours and more or less detail, such as Just Roads and Rivers, or Roads with much detail. I could also get detailed contours and elevations. The coastline is really interesting as sandbanks and mangroves, rocky headlands and inlets are all shown in detail. So I,ve had a lot of fun zooming in on any place I've heard mentioned. One thing that has amazed me is the number of named glaciers in New Zealand. I was only aware of the Fox, Franz Josef and Tasman Glaciers in the South Island. They are the images shown on postage stamps, calenders and viewcards. I had a look at the little- known Rob Roy Glacier. I only heard of this through our nephew, who walked to it during his visit in 1999. I typed in the words "Rob Roy Glacier" and zoomed in on that to see the track. Then I followed the track back towards the road at Glenorchy and from there onto the main road to Queenstown. I had a look at Mt. Ruapehu (North Island) and used the 3D button to get a closer look at the shape of the crater lake. Another place I looked up is called Earthquake Flat. We went through there during our South Island trip but the landscape didn't seem to be any different from the rest of the surrounds. However, when I zoomed in on this on TUMONZ, I saw a very visible area that is extra prone to earthquakes. It shows as a split in the surrounding hills. I have only the basic program at the moment. Additional modules include property boundaries, camping grounds, aerial photographs and GPS. TUMONZ has provided me with some extra resources for writing about places in N.Z. I haven't visited.
CORRESPONDENCE Dilys Buchan comments on articles in the last Spinner: LAY IT ON ME! According to the latest Spinner quiz, I have maybe reached my thirties. Thank heaven it isn't true! I am very happy up in loftier heights and for my dismal failure in the quiz, I have to blame a deprived childhood, untarnished by access to American television. However, the article that really struck a note of recognition with me was Margaret Manning's dirge on the death of the apostrophe. For years now, I have been going berserk over the two words "lie" and "lay". Four-letter words don't bother me, but when I hear someone on television saying, "Lay down! Lay down!" I start tearing my hair out. I even have Ernie doing it now, so that's proof positive that people can be taught to differentiate between the two words. As often as not, it's someone in the medical profession who uses the two words wrongly, but what do doctors know about the English language? I blame the writers, who presumably are admirably qualified to write correctly. Then again, newspaper editors let this common mistake slip by them all the time. Is it time for all of us purists to band together, say "Enough!" and inundate editors and TV station with complaints? Or would they just dismiss us all as cranks? Maybe we should all just "lay" back, and go with the flow.
Jean Sterling also comments on THE AGE TEST I have to question the accuracy of this - I came out being in my 30s. I wish!!
Ron McVey has his own memories of THE BIG BANDS Reading about the Big Bands in both North America and the U.K. was truly nostalgia to us. Not many would agree, but to me the greatest big band in the U.K. was 'Harry Gold and his Pieces of Eight'. My wife Mavis and I saw this band many times with Geoff Love on the trombone and Norry Paramour on the piano. In later years these two band members had famous bands of their own. Some of the UK bands that we have seen and enjoyed were Joe Loss, Henry Hall, Edmundo Ross, Billy Cotton and Harry Roy and his Tiger Ragamuffins, whom we first saw on our first date at the old Shakespeare Theatre in Liverpool. There are others that we have seen but I cannot remember. We were not into Ted Heath and his music and only saw him once but we both loved Humphrey Littleton. When we first came to Toronto, we saw a number of great American bands and good acts at the Old Casino Theatre when it was not a strip joint. We saw Benny Goodman and both bands of the Dorsey Brothers there. The one band that stands out to us was Lionel Hampton. We remember him playing a whole set with the curtains closed, the audience just went wild. These days, when in Florida we usually go at least once in a season to see a concert with the remnants of one of the big bands like Glen Miller or Guy Lombardo. For at least the last five years our snow bird club has featured a band at one of their meetings called 'Tall Cotton'. Its leader is a trombone player who played with 'The Ivy Benson All Girls Orchestra' for a number of years. They are a great group. We saw the Ivy Benson Band just once. Do you remember them?
Kate Brookfield forwarded this oldie but goodie: HISTORY ACCORDING TO SIXTH GRADERS The following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling. 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. My Solomon has only had two porcupines, one live and one dead. As for wives, he's not fully equipped! 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. 5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. 6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." 7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. 8. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah." 9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. 10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. 11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
Don Henderson writes: In case you didn't realize it, most senior citizens have a marvelous sense of humor. In many cases, it's simply a matter of survival. Here are a few examples: An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife." ~~~ Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. ~~~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. ~~~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. ~~~ How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? ~~~
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. ~~~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. ~~~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. ~~~ Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. ~~~ Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. ~~~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. ~~~ First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. ~~~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.... Today, it's called golf.
On the other hand, NOBODY BELIEVES OLD PEOPLE... An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...." The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here...."
DEAR PETS * When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. * The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. * The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run. * I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm. * My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. * For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered. * In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine/Feline attendance has never been necessary. * The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other animal or your butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door: Our Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
Keith Elliott sends this reasonable explanation of WHY MEN LIE One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez." The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
Gerrit de Leeuw sends some THINGS TO THINK ABOUT The early bird still has to eat worms. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them. Don't argue with an idiot. People watching may not be able to tell the difference. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
"To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you." - Author Unknown |