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Vol. IX, No. 44 November 1, 2003 IN THIS ISSUE:
 Margaret Manning vents her frustration in ANOTHER GRIZZLE ABOUT THE MISUSE OF ENGLISH I suppose Im' a bit pedantic when it comes to the us'age of English. It doesnt' seem long ago when anybody with a few year's education had a clear understanding of the correct use of apostrophes'. Ill' bet Tale Spinner readers' will immediately know Iv'e deliberately put apostroph'es in the wrong places in this paragraph. For somebody like me, the above words were extremely difficult to write, as I'm such a stickler for putting punctuation in the right places. Why is that little punctuation mark ' so hard to use correctly when English is a person's first language? I learned to use the apostrophe correctly when I was around eight years of age. Okay, I know that was centuries ago and everything has changed meantime. I believe that the misuse of this little mark has been an excellent and cheap marketing tool for a number of years. Put out a sign advertising apple's, banana's, tomatoe's or pepper's and somebody like me will go into the store and tell an assistant there is an error in their advertising. "Oh really? Well, what's wrong with it then?" "You've got apple's spelled wrong - there is no apostrophe." "What's an apostrophe?" is the usual response. "You don't need the little mark like a comma high up in apples," I say. "Oh, don't I? Why not?" is the incredulous reply. Try explaining the use of the apostrophe under these circumstances. It's quite a time-consuming activity. The sales assistant will either go over to the board showing the error and erase the offending ' or, more likely, say, "I'm sorry, Madam, but I am rather busy," and walk away. It's also quite common and just as annoying to find that that wretched little mark is left out altogether when it should be put in. Try "Her sisters children dont live in this town now. Its ages since I saw any of them." Is the writer talking about one sister with several children or more than one sister? It should either be sister's or sisters'. And of course, don't and it's. Then there's the "i before e except after c" rule. Who thought that one up because it often doesn't apply? I wrote down twenty reasonably common words where this doesn't apply. A few of them were seize, feint, height, heinous and leisure. Yet these words are almost always spelled correctly. I'm also concerned about the way English is developing in some American T.V. programmes. It has become commonplace on Judge Judy to hear people say, "I had went to the Doctor," or "I shoulda went there myself." One man insisted on saying "kidzes" for kids. I wonder if he had an apostrophe in his head for kidzes? I'm rather pleased, though, that the dipthong has all but disappeared. Now that was a tricky one, with ae and oe appearing in many words, and I never understood how you could have a legitimate word with ae or oe following each other. But as for that apostrophe....
THE AGE TEST Answers and scores are at the bottom
1. Name the Beatles. 2. Finish the line: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, ____ ____ !" 3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" _____ _____ _____ _____. 4. What do M&M's do? ____ ____ ____ ____, ____ ____ ____ ____. 5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? _____ _____. 6. Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as _____ _____. 7. You'll wonder where the yellow went, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ___. 8. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy." But we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend, ______G._______. 9. M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: _____? ____ _____ _____ _____! 10. "Brylcream: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____." 11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _____ _____. 12. From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line: "I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; ____ ______ _____ _____ _____ ____?" 13. And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War...uh-huh,huh...yea; what is it good for? , ____ _____." 14. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and _____ ____ _____. 15. He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway _____ ______. 16. "I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to the finish, ____ ____ ____ ___ ____. I'm Popeye the sailor man." 17. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ______ ______. 18. In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er-do-well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used his experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, "What we have here, ____ ____ ____ ____ ___." 19. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics."Just think, you won't have ____ ____ to kick around anymore." 20. "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighed 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip. And everybody knew you didn't give no lip, _____ _____ ____, ____ ____ ____." 21. "I found my thrill, ____ ____ ____." 22. ____ ____ said, "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ____ ____ ____." 23. "Good night, David." "____ ____,____." 24. "Liar, liar, ____ ____ ____." 25. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today. ____! ____ ____ ____ ____." 26. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and ____ ____ ____. ANSWERS:
1. John, Paul, George, Ringo SCORING: 24-26 Correct - You're probably 50+ years old; 20-23 correct - Most likely in your 40's; 15-19 correct - Are we in our 30's?; 10-14 correct - Must be in your 20's!!; 1- 9 correct - You're, like, sorta a teenage dude?
Dixie Augusteijn: Is it any wonder I am taking so long to clear out when I come across such interesting items as this? MORE TRIVIA In the mid 1800s and later, it was the custom of the older women in the Cape Breton area and along the Atlantic seaboard to knit coarse, thick, thigh-high stockings during the winter months. By spring, when the waters of the Atlantic had warmed up somewhat, they would put on these long stockings and venture forth into the cold icy waters. As they waded back and forth in the surf, sea creatures such as lobsters, crabs, crawdads (sic) etc. would attach themselves to these stockings, and this would be supper.
Margaret Manning appreciates the article on THE BIG BAND ERA Thank you, Jack Peaker, for transporting me back to the Era of the Big Bands. I was right there with the radio turned up as loud as it would go, with one ear, then the other, right up against the loudspeaker as I listened to Benny Goodman, Glenn Miller and all the other brilliant musicians you mentioned in your article. If I had to pick a favourite I'd say Benny Goodman. But good old Satchmo knew how to make wonderful music too, so he's up there with my favourites. Of all the vocalists, Billie Holiday was definitely top of my list. I used to listen to the American Forces Network programmes from Munich and they played quite a lot of swing and jazz. You never heard any English bands on there - understandable. The top English groups of the early 1950s were Johnny Dankworth and his Orchestra, Ted Heath, Acker Bilk, and Kenny Ball. The leading singer was Cleo Laine. Sometimes she sang in such a way that it was hard to separate her voice from whichever instrument was being played by her husband, Johnny Dankworth. I've always thought it interesting that the sounds made by those great musicians of the Era of the Big Bands have never been truly replicated. No matter how hard other artists have tried, they never QUITE manage to achieve those same haunting sounds. Thanks for taking me down memory lane.
SORT OF A LOVE STORY This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?" "What, dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck...."
WE ARE SURVIVORS! For all of us feeling our age lately, hope this lightens your day.... All people over 25 should be dead. To the survivors: According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s probably shouldn't have survived. Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.) As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them! Congratulations. Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
Bruce Galway sends this warning about A DESTRUCTIVE VIRUS If you receive "work" from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via e-mail, do not touch it under any circumstances! This virus, "work", wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with this "work" virus, leave immediately, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order three beers, or a vodka, and after repeating 10 times you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your brain. Forward this warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize that you do not have five friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life
Don Henderson sends this one about a A SIMPLE SOLUTION A woman walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. "Wow," the social worker exclaims. "Are they ALL YOURS????" "Yes, they're all mine," the tired momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all their names." "This one is my oldest - he's Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one's Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, also named Leroy! "All right ... I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" "Well, yes - it's actually really convenient. When it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and the kid, whoever he is, stops in his tracks. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkling her forehead, she says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Ah, that's easy," said the mother. "Then I call them by their last names.
Keith Elliott sends this one; BEEN THERE... Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. After a bit of small talk while resuming the journey, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag in the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for a moment; then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said... "Good trade."
Don Henderson forwards this one: MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Robin Hood all-purpose, isn't it?" The rest of the story is not pleasant.
Man, despite his artistic pretensions, his sophistication, and his many accomplishments, still owes his existence to a six-inch layer of topsoil and the fact that it rains. - Anonymous |