IN THIS ISSUE:

Margaret Manning forwards an excerpt from a home ec book of the 50s

Margaret Manning, who is on holiday for the next month, writes: I received this apparently true extract from a home economics book from the early 50s, and wondered if it is too risque for the Spinner. Judge for yourself:

THE GOOD WIFE GUIDE

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers etc., and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

During the colder months of the year, you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by.

Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Make the evening his.

Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's late home for dinner, or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.

Once has had has a chance to have his evening meal, clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help, decline his offer as he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does not need the extra work. Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supporting without seeming to encroach.

If you have any little hobbies yourself, try not to bore him speaking of these, as women's interests are often rather trivial compared to men's.

At the end of the evening, tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs. Your husband's breakfast is vital if he is to face the outside world in a positive fashion.

Once you have both retired to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed.

Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers, wait until he is asleep, as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night. When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband, it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately, then so be it. In all things be lead by your husband's wishes, do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.

Should your husband suggest congress, then accede humbly, all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important that a woman's.

When he reaches his moment of fulfilment, a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices, be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent.

It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up, and apply your night time and hair care products.

You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

Ed.: Risque indeed!

Anne Rahamut continues the saga of their efforts to construct a

NEW FIREPLACE

In the fall, I described to Tale Spinner readers our failed series of attempts to instal a gas-fired coal fireplace in the living room. I'm here now with the final instalment.

The 9th of January 2004 - that was the FIREPLACE day. The workers arrived early. One went outside and replaced the old gas lines from the meter into the house. The other disassembled the old fireplace and began to instal the new fixture. We watched as if some child-birth were in progress.

Step one: Did we want the old gas bar? Quick looks at each other ... would we hook it up to our gas barbeque outside, have an outdoor fireplace? - NO! NO! Take it away.

Step two: the installation of a brick platform upon which to rest the new gas burner tray. It's important to note here that this platform was completely invisible after the installation was complete.

Steps three and four: the repositioning of our original coal grate around the burner and the gas connection made.

Steps five, six, and seven: the adding of the vermiculite base and the ceramic coals, and then ... THE LIGHTING of the flame.

Step eight: the bill.

Step nine: Well, this took about an hour. After admiring the results a few minutes, I said ... "You know, that brick platform was unnecessarily large and ugly." Within minutes, whatever the inside guy had done was totally disassembled. Don't, whatever you do, tell the gas company this!

Step ten: the brick platform was re-built much smaller and neater, and painted dark brown.

Step eleven: As if in fast-forward, everything else was re-installed, and we sat back in absolute admiration of the results. Not that anyone could have appreciated the difference, but we knew.

Step twelve: From our comfy chairs we could see the coals glowing red, tiny flames licking just above their surface. We opened our last bottle of bubbly, sparkling water was all we had left after Christmas, and settled back to contemplate all future winters.

Carol Shoemaker forwards this information on strokes which

COULD SAVE A LIFE

Recognizing a stroke:

This might be a lifesaver if we can remember the three questions! It was sent to me by a nurse, whose husband is a medical doctor.

I had never heard this advice before and hadn't a clue. Perhaps you hadn't either and would like to file it away in the back of your head.

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim could suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke such as:

* Sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm or leg, especially on one side of the body
* Sudden confusion, trouble speaking or understanding
* Sudden trouble seeing in one or both eyes
* Sudden trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination
* Sudden, severe headache with no known cause

Now doctors say any bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

* ask the individual to smile.
* ask him or her to raise both arms.
* ask the person to speak a simple sentence.

If they have trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

After discovering that a group of nonmedical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke Association's annual meeting last February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage.

CONGRATULATIONS

Zvonko Springer recently received an e-mail from Webmasters Global Email Lottery congratulating him on having won $500,000 US in a government lottery. However, "Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning information confidential until your claims has been processed and your money paid out to you.... Please remit EUR165,00 as the processing fee through the Western Union Money Transfer in the name of our cashier, Rachel Amina."

Zvonko checked out Webmaster Global at http://news.spamcop.net/pipermail.spamcop-help/ and got further information on how to spot a lottery scam at:

http://scambust.htmlplanet.com/

He reported the scam to http://scambust.htmlplanet.com/

Presumably these sites operate world-wide and are useful addresses to keep for the next time you receive a letter from the widow of a murdered dictator in Nigeria, who is anxious to share her wealth with you and your bank account.

Kate Brookfield, who hales from jolly old England, asks for

EQUAL TIME

On viewing Jay's jazzing up of the St. Patrick's Day Spinner with Irish themes, Kate wrote: "I get on my English patriotic high-horse when I get too much of the Irish ... and other nationalistic hype.

"So for April 23rd, St. George's Day, also Shakespeare's birthday, tell Jay I want red roses, dragons, and the red cross of England on the Spinner or I wont write any more articles :-)"

ED.: With such a threat hanging over my head, I will make every effort to remember to ask Jay to find something suitable with which to liven up the "dull and boring" format of the issue that comes out closest to that memorable day.

There just may be some limits to unionizing:

UNIONIZED BROTHEL?

A dedicated Local 416 Union worker was attending a convention in Vancouver and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a union house."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the Teamster said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then pointed to an 75-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

WEBSITE OF THE MONTH

For Canadians working their way through tax returns, Canada Revenue has a website which could help. It has lots of printable forms and answers to questions. Bookmark

Jay sent this variation on an old story:

DEAD DUCK

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary hospital.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied..

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan...."

This post, forwarded by Gerrit de Leeuw, appeared first at the time of the Australian Olympics. It has been adapted for the

VANCOUVER OLYMPICS

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 10th Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking:

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it's name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

A: It's called a moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

- H. L. Mencken