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Vol. IX, No. 30 July 26, 2003 IN THIS ISSUE:
 Margaret Manning describes ANOTHER INTERESTING PLACE NEAR ROTORUA I had the chance to go on a tour to the edge of the crater at Mt. Tarawera when staying in Rotorua in 1986. This was 100 years after the brooding mountain erupted and buried the village of Te Wairoa and the Pink and White Terraces. The latter were considered to be the Eighth Wonder of the World but were lost forever after the gigantic volcanic eruption that tore the middle out of five volcanic cones that are collectively called "Mt. Tarawera". Tarawera dominates the landscape and I find the lake of the same name and the mountain rather forbidding places. There is something of an eerie atmosphere there. However, curiosity overcame anxiety when I heard of a new tourist venture that took visitors to the edge of the crater. A local Maori took people in his fairly ancient Landrover up the mountain. He would relate legends of the mountain, the lake and the local people en route. It sounded wonderful so off I went, leaving Eric to do his usual window-shopping. The route from Rotorua was on the same road as that to Waimangu Valley, and all pretty tame stuff. But once we passed there we carried on down a narrow road. We came to a large lake I'd never seen before as it's hidden from the main road. This is the little-known Lake Rerewhakaaitu. It was a beautiful sight with crystal-clear water. The thin gravel road soon petered out and a narrow track appeared. We were informed the track would get very bumpy and steep. Bumpy and steep it was. Rocks were all over the track and the driver either had to go right over them or swerve to avoid them - but there wasn't a lot of room to swerve anywhere. Then we suddenly came to a clearing and the last steep ride. The driver carried on straight ahead until we could see, far below us, Lake Tarawera. We were on the top of the mountain. Behind us was Lake Rerewhakaaitu and the thin ribbon of road we had travelled on. We were told we could either stay right handy to the Landrover, go for a walk along the top of the crater, or, horror of horrors, go down into the crater. It was considered quite safe to do so and we were there long enough for people to go down, following the short route, and then return. The stupendous views were enough for this timid traveller. It really was an awesome sight looking down into the vastness. The scoured-out mountain had steep ochre-coloured walls. We were told that when the mountain erupted, the explosion was heard in Auckland 150 miles away. As I stood at the top, a light aircraft flew right over the crater and landed on a tiny airstrip, then disgorged its passengers, who quickly headed into the crater. When our group was again assembled, we had some light refreshments and then piled into the 4WD for the downhill ride. This seemed a lot easier - or perhaps we were just relieved to get away from there. Whenever we are in Rotorua we try to go out to Lake Tarawera just to get another glimpse of that brooding mountain. But we go the easy way on the main road and just look at it from across the lake. That was one of my most memorable trips.
CORRESPONDENCE Carol Hanson, who lives on Long Island in NYS, comments on the proofreading article: Thought you'd get a chuckle out of knowing that the second error of Iacocca's name was what made it so funny to my husband and me. We thought that in their correction of their first mistake, they had unwittingly made a second mistake! Which made it all doubly funny! Cacca is word commonly used in this area.
SOME THINGS NEVER IMPROVE This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding service: Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last 22 years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter The reply to the above: Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service, and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Western Railways And the counter-reply was: Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last 22 years! Yours truly, A Commuter
FLIGHT ATTENDANT'S OPENING REMARKS Thanks to a retired Delta captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA from their flight attendants. In his own words: I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle one weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts, I'm sure, but this is most of it. Before takeoff... Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is ... the flight attendants. Please look at one now. There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front, two over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down. In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing - not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane - HELLO!! There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh, here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind. In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button. We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you? After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."
Gerrit de Leeuw enumerates a number of things I AM THANKFUL FOR ... The partner who hogs the covers every night, because he is not out with someone else. The child who is not cleaning his room but is watching TV, because that means he is at home and not out on the streets. For the taxes I pay, because it means I am employed. For the mess to clean after a party, because it means that I have been surrounded by friends. For the clothes that fit a little too snuggly, becase it means I have enough to eat. For my shadow that watches me work, because it means I am in sunshine. For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing, because it means I have a home. For all the complaints I hear about the government, because it means we have freedom of speech. For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means I am capable of walking and have been blessed with transportation. For my huge heating bill, because it means I am warm. For the lady behind me in church who sings off key, because it means I can hear. For the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear. For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I have been capable of working hard. For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, because it means I am alive. And finally... For too much e-mail, because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.
Keith Elliott forwards these examples of DISORDER IN THE COURT These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place? Judge: "Well, sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Q: What is your date of birth?
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
flashing?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to your attorney?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
WHAT WOULD GET ME IN? "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class. "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
THE PRESCRIPTION A woman walks into a drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic. The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband." "I'm sorry, Ma'am, I can't sell you any for that reason." The woman then hands him a photo of a man and a woman in a 'compromising' position. The man is her husband and the woman is the druggist's wife. He looks at the photo and says, "My apologies, Ma'am.... I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Burke Dykes sends these definitions: VOCABULARY BUILDERS 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (or airplane). 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. 8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Joy is wealth and love is the legal tender of the soul. - Robert G. Ingersoll |