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Vol. IX, No. 29 July 19, 2003 IN THIS ISSUE:
 Margaret Manning visits A VERY QUIET ROTORUA, N.Z. We had a few days away in early May, mainly to visit sick friends in Rotorua. I have written about this vibrant tourist resort previously but the Rotorua we saw in May was different. It was quieter than it was when we first went there back in 1966. We were the only guests in the motel we chose. This meant we had a hot mineral pool and a thermal pool all to ourselves. That was a real treat as guests are usually restricted to half an hour in each. Rotorua's streets are usually busy with tour buses en route to or from some attraction; we saw about six in three days. The pavements are generally clogged with visitors rushing to do shopping or hurrying to get onto tours. The cafes were virtually deserted. That all suited us. It made a wonderful change to walk around the streets and not get pushed and shoved along by foreigners. The shop assistants fell over themselves trying to keep themselves occupied. It was really a bit eerie. The SARS scare and George Bush's invasion of Iraq can take the blame. There are many tourist attractions in and close to Rotorua. I think the Waimangu Thermal Valley tour is the best one because you see so many things in one day. If pushed for time, this is the one "must see" tour. You need to be reasonably fit to do this tour as there is quite a lot of walking. When we visited Waimangu you had to walk right through the valley but I understand that nowadays it is possible for small buses to transport the less able-bodied through most of the valley. The thermal activity in this area is constant and there are interesting signs along the way. Names like Echo Crater, Frying Pan Lake, Black Crater, Inferno Crater Lake and so on. It is Inferno Crater Lake that is continually monitored as the water temperature can go up and down quite dramatically. Scientists are always interested in this one. There is a persistent hissing sound coming from the earth as you wend your way through the valley and down to Lake Rotomahana and the smell of sulphur is quite strong. There is a short boat trip across this rather spooky lake, then a walk across the isthmus to reach Lake Tarawera, where another boat awaits. The second boat trip is longer and takes visitors close to the area where the famous Pink and White Terraces were situated until they were destroyed in the 1886 eruption of Mount Tarawera. The lake is popular for trout fishing and there are holiday baches (small simple cottages) scattered here and there along the shoreline. Once the boat reaches the jetty, the tour coach is waiting. Visitors are then taken to the nearby Hidden Village of Te Wairoa for a walk around what was once a thriving Maori settlement. That too was destroyed in the 1886 eruption and most of the villagers were buried alive. From there, the coach returns to Rotorua, passing the Green and Blue Lakes en route. This is a really full tour but well worth the effort.
Terry Miller Shannon brought home a valuable souvenir from a summer excursion long ago: RIVER SOUVENIR When I was a young child, I took something home from the river. I have it still. I use it to this day, although I too frequently forget I own it. We spent many summer evenings at Nelson's Bar - a sandy-beached cove tucked alongside California's Feather River. Mom made spicy meat sandwiches in chewy sourdough rolls to take along. She'd heat them, wrapped in foil. When Dad drove into the driveway, Mom pulled the sandwiches from the oven and tossed them into a newspaper-lined bag. When her children caught the scent of chilies, ham, and cheese wafting through the house, we'd shriek, Nelson's Bar! We'd yank on our bathing suits and scurry to the car. We never saw another soul at Nelson's Bar. It was our own private swimming hole, with a wooden picnic table built, it seemed, just for Millers. Green serpentine boulders taller than Dad enclosed our small beach, turning it into a room. The sky was an impossibly eye-piercing blue ceiling. As we ate, yellow-jackets buzzed hungrily, hoping for a nibble of hot sandwich or a sip of cool lemonade. The river rushed past, calling us to hurry and eat. And then, at last, it was time to play. I didn't actually swim in the river. I'd (reluctantly) begun taking swimming lessons at the City Pool. After interminable practice, I'd finally mastered floating on my stomach. But when Mom, watching from the pool's edge, exclaimed over my newfound talent, I confessed: It isn't me. What? Mom's eyebrows rose into her hairline. I'm not floating. It's a big air bubble in my swim cap holding me up. That's all. Mom bit her lip. Are you sure, Terry? Because I think you'd float even if you didn't wear your cap. No, no, I told her. I hated to disappoint her, but I had to tell her the truth. It was definitely that magic swimming cap keeping me buoyant. I couldn't float on my own. Nelson's Bar was completely different from the City Pool, of course. At the river, mossy-scented satin emerald water stroked my legs, making me gasp at the coldness. Fish the size of my fingers swam up to nibble at my skin, tickling me. Dragonflies whizzed by. I waded. I explored. I made amazing discoveries. I found brilliant sparkles of fools gold in the gray sand. I marveled at the tiny black frog eggs in their floaty brown film. I sometimes caught tadpoles to bring home for the thrill of watching them morph into frogs. One Nelson's Bar evening, in the midst of our splashing around, Mom said, Terry. Show your dad how you can float! Here? I looked down at the flowing river, uncertain. But it's not the pool. Dad said, I'm right here. Nothing can happen. Water's water. Well, okay. I guess. I took a huge breath and eased down, face first. I floated. Through the water lapping at my ears, I heard Dad: That's my girl! Wow! Up again, I wiped water from my eyes and beamed proudly at Dad's praise. And then Mom said, Terry, what did you just do? Uhhh ... floated? And...? I don't know. Without ... I continued to blink cluelessly at her. Without your swim cap! Oh, no! I clapped my hand to my wet head, dizzied by the impossibility of my feat. No. This couldn't be. I definitely could not float without my swimming cap. I truly couldn't - but I did. Mom said, softly, See what you can do, when you forget that you can't? Oh. What Mom said? It's my best Nelson's Bar souvenir, outlasting every rock and frog and birdnest I hauled home. Nelson's Bar is gone, they tell me. Long gone. It lies far beneath a manmade lake. Or so they say. My head believes them. But my heart knows better. It still exists - shimmering golden and emerald and eye-piercingly blue. Perfect and indestructible, as a childhood's summer memory should be. ~~~ Terry Miller Shannon (http://www.terrymillershannon.com/) and her son, Tim Warner, wrote a funny, rhyming picture book. Tim's three-year-old bath-loving son inspired TUB TOYS (Tricycle Press, 2002), which Children's Literature calls "a must-have book for families." Check it out at http://snurl.com/tubtoys_amaz
Bruce Galway sends these statistics as of June 1, 2003: MAYBE WE'RE WORRYING ABOUT THE WRONG THINGS... 30 Canadians have died from SARS 18 Canadians died from West Nile Virus 1 Canadian has died from variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (the human form of mad cow) Whereas, in 2000, 6,714 died from diabetes 404 pedestrians were killed by vehicles 76,426 died from circulatory disease 62,672 Canadians died from cancer 5,007 died from Alzheimer's disease 511 people died from HIV/AIDS 33 people were killed at railway crossings 62 people died from a fall involving a bed 92 people died from exposure to excessive cold
CORRESPONDENCE Jean Sterling comments on the article about proofreading: ~ "In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error." His real name is Lee IACOCCA. I think that cacca might be even worse than coocoo - I think cacca might be German slang for feces. Yes, it is important to proofread!!
THE TOMBSTONE BLUES A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads: "Here lies Shirley, wife of Morris Rosen, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, and Immigration Legal Services" Suddenly, Morris bursts into tears. His brother says, "You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone!" Through his tears, Morris sobs, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"
PROFOUND POST-MODERN AXIOMS Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos - you never know what's going to burn you. I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling? On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier! You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Everyone is someone else's weirdo. Never argue with an idiot.... They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. Be careful ... a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the rear end. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
THE POWER OF SCRIPTURE An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
SMART ADVICE FROM AN ATTORNEY The next time you order cheques, have only your initials (instead of first name) and last name put on them. If someone takes your chequebook, they will not know if you sign your cheques with just your initials or your first name, but your bank will know how you sign them. Put your work phone number on your cheques instead of your home phone. If you have a PO Box, use that instead of your home address; if you do not have a PO Box, use your work address. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine, do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company: "We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, credit cards, etc. Unfortunately, I, an attorney, have first-hand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month. Within a week, the thieves ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. "But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know: We have been told you should cancel your credit cards immediately. But the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them easily. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where it was stolen; this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one). "But here's what is perhaps most important (I never even thought to do this): Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and Social Security number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit. By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them in their tracks." Ed. note: I don't know if we have a similar organization in Canada, but it is worth checking out in cases of theft.
A REMINDER... If you want to read stories about everyday heroes rather than those about man's inhumanity to man, subscribe to HeroicStories. A short newsletter will arrive in your mailbox twice a week. Just send a blank message to join-heroicstories@lyris.net or visit http://www.HeroicStories.com
Jay sends this unlikely punny story: A DOG NAMED MACE There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass - not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun. Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."
FUN WITH WORDS Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do. Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage, Burglarize: What a crook sees with. Control: A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes: What a guy in a boat does. Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty: How golfers create divots. Paradox: Two physicians. Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist: A helper on the farm. Polarize: What penguins see with. Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief: What trees do in the spring. Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife. Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6. Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does. Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official. Subdued ... Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
"A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book." -Irish Proverb |