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Vol. X, No. 3 January 17, 2004 IN THIS ISSUE:
 THANK YOU TO ALL WHO SENT CARDS AND BEST WISHES on the occasion of my <sigh> 82nd birthday. I appreciate your kindness and marvel at your organization that allows you to remember birthdays.
Dick Monaghan displays exceptional hidden talents: MIRROR, MIRROR... You and the outside world may know me as elderly retiree, but when I'm alone in the bathroom with the radio on, I'm Siegfried Semiquaver, directing the Berlin Philharmonic through Beethoven's Seventh. (The orchestra pardons some small deficiencies in my left hand, which indicates volume, because the precision of my right hand and its long baton creates musical poetry.) I may be naked to the mirror, but what I see through the steam is myself in white tie and tails, my gracefully aging craggy good looks accented by a silver white mane. (There is pandemonium in the hall as I lay the baton on the music stand, my head modestly bowed. The room reverberates with "bravo!" repeated a hundred times over.) And it's not just music at which I excel, in my bathroom with the radio on; I have reduced Henry Kissinger to Teutonic muttering with my penetrating insights into foreign policy. The President's advisors wilt under my microscopic examination of domestic programs - "and just who will pay this Mt. Everest of deficits?" At one time, I considered a run at a singing career after astonishing myself with the timbre and gusto I achieved during my renditions of "On The Road to Mandalay," and "Asleep in The Deep," with its staircase descent into the lowest bass register. Somehow, though, the whole thing disintegrated if I attempted it outside the bathroom. Besides, no one sings either song today. Pity. Modern pop music just isn't up to the requirements of the bathroom, which demand majestic pacing and a wide tonal range. Acting holds no terror for me within the tiled confines of the lavatory. Using a draped towel as a substitute for a torn t-shirt, I bellow "Stelllaaa!" in Brando's crazed voice, after Blanche is hauled off to the psychiatric ward. ("A Streetcar Named Desire") Many in my fictitious audience say they can't trust themselves to speak after watching my King Lear bearing Cordelia's body. As long as I remain in the bathroom, Oscars, Emmys, a Tony and Palms d'Or are mine for the taking. ("I'd like to thank all those whose obscure toiling made this possible.") If you choose to regard the bathroom as an oasis of recognition in an indifferent world, a word of caution: you need two bathrooms. How often I have toasted myself on some brilliant achievement, only to have the bubble burst by the voice of Someone I Won't Name, whining "What in the world are you DOING? You're not the only one who needs in there!" She doesn't realize that the bathroom is like the fantasy baseball diamond in "Field of Dreams." If you step outside the lines, you are returned to drab reality. You can't go back. You have to start all over again, next time. Until then, I'm a former dust-covered bureaucrat, an obscure scrivener in a distant province.
Margaret Manning regales us with more details about THE NEW ZEALAND GARDEN IN WINTER Quite a lot has happened in our garden in the few weeks since I last wrote about it. Eric decided that yes, he would plant some more peas, beans and carrots and hope we could keep the things watered. Because the beans have done really well so far, despite my dire predictions, he thought he'd put in a few more. Then he sowed an extra row of peas and opened another packet of carrot seeds. After all that effort he started wondering whether he'd done the right thing and worried about the water supply. Perhaps his urge to grow vegetables is because he likes to see me barefoot by the kitchen sink topping, tailing, stringing and slicing beans on a hot day when normal people are cooling off in the lake across the road. The beans are blanched in boiling water and then dunked in cold water and ice (provided I haven't tipped it over myself first in an effort to keep cool), after which these luscious beans are packed into freezer bags for use in winter. As I stand there barefoot by the kitchen sink I have to keep reminding myself that yes, these beans are luscious and yes, it is a worthwhile project in the middle of summer and yes, it is keeping my fair skin out of the midday sun. I guess we do all this every year because we re-cycle the household water onto anything in the garden that we want to keep going. This includes all the herbs, lavenders, cottage garden plants, and fruit trees as well as those veggies. We haven't got a dishwasher because they use a lot of water; we do the dishes in a bowl so the water can be put on the garden. Our washing machine is "water-economy friendly" and doesn't rinse everything at least a dozen times. It does take quite a lot of effort to be diligent with re-cycling water from the washing machine. I bring four buckets into the laundry and the minute the machine starts draining, the hose is put into a bucket to collect the water. Once I have four bucketsful I stop the drain cycle, carry two buckets outside, then another two, slip on my shoes and visit the beans, peas or carrots to give them a drink. This procedure is repeated until the wash cycle is completed. All I have to do then is mop up the laundry floor where there are inevitable spillages, put the clean washing into the laundry basket, go outside and hang that out to dry, turn off the water supply to the washing machine, and switch the power off at the wall. By the time I've done all that I hope my darling husband has not got the nerve to appear, as if by magic, with a big smile on his face, with yet another bag of beans for freezing. By the way, I have to keep both eyes on what's happening with the draining water. I left the hose in a bucket recently - just for a second or two - and returned to find the hose jumping about on the floor, which was already covered with water. Some of the wet stuff got into the carpet in the adjoining room. It did take a while to clean up the mess. Of course if I were not retired and have plenty of time to fill my days as I please, I'd put the washing machine on at night, dry everything in a tumbler dryer, buy frozen vegetables, and not do anything whatsoever in the garden.
This poem appeared on Tom Kyle's New Year's card: IT'S WINTER IN MANITOBA
It's winter in Manitoba
Oh, how I love Manitoba
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
Zvonko Springer, who is holidaying in Africa, writes: HELLO FROM KENYA We've landed safely here and are enjoying bougainvilleas in full bloom - from white to dark red. After a few days of adjustment, we got rid of the "white skin" image and from tomorrow we're going to swim and sunbath (reasonably!) in our favorite climate. You may have a look at URL: http://www.leisurelodgeresort.com to view the place where the two Oak Hillers are spending their days of leisure.
MORE GREAT QUOTATIONS "I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart." - e e cummings (1894-1962) "Give me a museum and I'll fill it." - Pablo Picasso (1881-1973) "Assassins!" - Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957) to his orchestra "I'll moider da bum." - Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare "In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." - Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut "I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have." - Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) "Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems." - Rene Descartes (1596-1650), "Discours de la Methode" "In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." - Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968) "Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right." - Henry Ford (1863-1947) "Do, or do not. There is no 'try'." - Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back') "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) "Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed." - George Burns (1896-1996) "I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves." - Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951) "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." - Paul Erdos "The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad." - Salvador Dali (1904-1989) "If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance." - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Shirley Davis posted this one: THE STORY OF THE OSTRICH A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and sys, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir. What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Burke Dykes forwards this one: "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
rafiki forwards these GREAT QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened. - Cora Harvey Armstrong The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. - Helen Hayes (at 73) I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows . - Janette Barber Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. - Carrie Snow Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. - Laurie Kuslansky My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck Old age ain't no place for sissies. - Bette Davis A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. - Rhonda Hansome The phrase "working mother" is redundant. - Jane Sellman Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. - Jennifer Unlimited Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. - Jennifer Unlimited If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. - Catherine When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! - Kathy Buckley If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. - Sue Grafton I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne Barr When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man - if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinman Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. - Eleanor Roosevelt
Irene Harvalias sends these stories: WHY WE LOVE OUR KIDS I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!" My son Zachary, four, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago." On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with women grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ON A NIGHT OF SNOW
Cat, if you go outdoors, you must walk in the snow.
Outdoors the wild winds blow, Mistress, and dark is the night, Elizabeth Coatsworth
"Music is the shorthand of emotion." - Leo Tolstoy |