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Vol. X, No. 2 January 10, 2004 IN THIS ISSUE:
 Margaret Manning continues her description of the country NORTH OF THE BLACK STUMP Spirit's Bay and other lonely places The apostrophe in the word title above is in the right place as it refers to an individual's spirit. Maori legend relates that when a person passes into the next world, his or her spirit travels up Te Oneroa a Tohe (known nowadays as 90 Mile Beach) and from there to this bay to the east of Cape Reinga, where it disappears into the ocean. The crescent-shaped bay extends for eight kilometres and is one of the north's most popular camping spots. In 1769 Captain Cook sighted a village there - the remains of a pa (fortified area) can still be seen on a hilltop. The surrounding landscape supported kauri trees as the earth was worked for kauri gum about a hundred years ago. The former Maori name for this district was Muriwhenua (end of the land) - and this name is now being used more often. The great chief, Tohe, lived at Piwhare Bay (more usually called Spirit's Bay). When he departed on his long journey south on the big beach (90 Mile) he told his people that when he died his spirit would return to them. So the European name stuck. Pandora Beach was so named in 1849 after a naval vessel of that name struck a reef. Access is not easy. One way is by walking around the headland at Spirit's Bay at low tide. This can be hazardous as the lagoon behind the bay frequently floods, cutting Pandora off. There is a very rough road to this beach which is only usable in dry conditions. Presumably access was easier during World War II when a radar station was sited here. There must have been a few residents then, as there is still evidence of abundant planting of citrus trees and narcissi. The native name for this area was Whangakea. Whanga translates to Harbour and Kea is a native bird. Tapotupotu is situated in an idyllic setting east of Spirit's Bay. Because it is such a popular camping area, the road (although gravel) is kept maintained. Literally translated, the name means "short sacred beach" because it is also closely connected to the legend of the spirit. The beach is very clean and sandy with a tidal stream at the eastern extremity that is very popular with young children. The walking tracks are not for the faint-hearted but hikers used to difficult conditions enjoy exploring the landscape in this isolated part of the very far north. If they are lucky they might come across peacocks, paradise ducks and pheasants living in the wild. They might also find North Cape, but they won't find any shops or amenities of any kind and must be self-sufficient.
Shirley Coutts sends this politically correct version of an old fairy tale, by James Finn Garner: LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house--not because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult. So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident enough in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not intimidate her. On the way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult." The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way." Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch." From the bed, the wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat, Grandma. Grandma, what big eyes you have!" "They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear." "Grandma, what a big nose you have - only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way." It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear." "Grandma, what big teeth you have!" The wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space. Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the wolf both stopped. "And just what do you think your're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood. The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him. "Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!" she exclaimed. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!" When she heard Red Riding Hood's impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out of the wolf's mouth, seized the woodchopper-person's ax, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.
GREAT QUOTATIONS BY FAMOUS PEOPLE "Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." - H. G. Wells (1866-1946) "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever." - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) "Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake." - Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956) "Don't be so humble - you are not that great." - Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat "His ignorance is encyclopedic" - Abba Eban (1915-2002) "If a man does his best, what else is there?" - General George S. Patton (1885-1945) "I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better." - A. J. Liebling (1904-1963) "People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid." - Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855) "Give me chastity and continence, but not yet." - Saint Augustine (354-430) "Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965) "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." - Galileo Galilei "The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work." - Emile Zola (1840-1902) "This book fills a much-needed gap." - Moses Hadas (1900-1966) in a review
Bruce Galway sends this story of a case of MISTAKEN IDENTITY Two cars are waiting at a stoplight. The light turns green, but the man doesn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man. The man looks up, sees the yellow light, and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects. He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. Then I noticed the: 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. "So, naturally ... I assumed you had stolen the car."
Don Henderson sends this timely story about MILITARY INSURANCE Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have GI insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But if you don't have GI insurance and get killed in battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000." "Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
NYC - This spring, the Metropolitan Opera is scheduled to produce an opera commemorating Bill Clinton's experiences from eight years in the White House. Composed by Giuliani Veritas (in Italian), it was commissioned by Jesse Helms in conjunction with the National Endowment for the Arts. "LA BUBBA VITA" Act I ...The Situation: Bill Clinton has been elected President of the United States by an overwhelming margin. The Republicans are devastated, angry, and are trying to find their way back to power. As the curtain rises on the opera, the House Republicans are meeting with Ken Starr with the object of trying to find a way to remove Bill Clinton from the Presidency. The opening chorale, "We Must Find a Way" (Creato grandissimo floozi scandala) is sung as a sextet. In an impressive recitative, Tom DeLay sings "Where Will We Find a Helper" (Dredgi uppulia una Granda Bimbo). The House Republicans exit. Paula Jones enters stage right with a mirror, singing her plaintive "Why Can't I Find a Man?" (Mia schnozola es humongo.) Tom DeLay and Newt Gingrich enter from the other wing. They spot Paula and sing the duet "Why Not Her?" (La floozi perfecta). They meet and take Paula to a small cafe where they hatch their plot in hushed tones. Paula tells them of her meeting in a hotel with Clinton years earlier and how her fortunes have collapsed since then. DeLay and Gingrich offer to help. They sing the aria "Your Luck has Changed" (Nozjobbo e'rewardo). Act II ... The House Republicans reconvene with the news of Paula's revelations. They sing in jubilation "We Must Tell the World" (Fono tabloido). The rear curtain rises to reveal the Chorus of Media who sing the chorale "Tell Us More, But Only the Truth" (Sexio scandala hypo sweepi). Gingrich enters with Pat Robertson. They sing the duet "He Must Go" (Hypocriti pious crappola). Robertson offers to make time on his television program to expose the charges. At the House Republicans' suggestion, Paula initiates a lawsuit. The Paula Jones scandal becomes the topic of conversation throughout the country. The Chorus of Lawyers enters from the right to sing the jubilant grand chorale "We Must do Our Duty" (Multi, multi grande moola). Ken Starr meets with the House Republicans to plan the next steps. They sing the aria "We Will Save the Country" (Sleezi connivo, la media succisttuppo). Starr promises to convene a grand jury which will send charges to the Congress. He sings, "The Truth Will be Known" (Whitewater non starto, il probo la floozy epidemio). The Chorus of Lawyers sings a reprise of "We Must Do Our Duty" (Multi, multi grande moola!) as the act ends. Act III ... Linda Tripp enters the stage arm in arm with Ken Starr. She is wearing a headset and singing "Monica is My Dearest Friend" (Io sono la wiccida witchi occidenta). She tells Starr about the secret tapes that she has made of conversations with Monica Lewinsky. Starr takes them from her and sings "We've Got Him Now" (Presidente droppo pantaloni). Starr hurries off to the Grand Jury to call Monica as a witness. In Scene 2, ... Monica enters the grand jury room where the Chorus of Lawyers asks her questions. They sing the recitative "How Did It Happen?" (Panti thongo, la flashi). Monica sings the long passionate aria "We Were Meant for Each Other" (Nonsmoko El Pruducto, Phallisymboglio). In Scene 3, ... Hillary and Bill are sitting in the Lincoln Bedroom talking about the revelations about Monica. Hillary sings "I Will Stand By You" (Tu jercho estupido, io removo tu equippamento). Bill replies with "She Was the Only One" (Non conto Gennifer, Paula, piu multibimbo forgetta). They embrace! Act IV ... Sam Donaldson is interviewing Henry Hyde in the Capitol Building. The Chorus of Lawyers hums in the background. Hyde sings the aria "We Believe in Something" (Impeaccho hippi bastardo). Donaldson sings a recitative in answer, "We Only Want the Truth" (Toupee eslippo). The great trial begins in the Senate. Trent Lott reacts to public opinion polls showing that the President has a 76% approval rating with the public with the poignant aria "What is Right is Not Popular" (Partia repubblico commitini suicido). The Chorus of Lawyers sings the chorale "Principles Come First" (Mi adultero nonconto). With great flourish, Henry Hyde, Bill McCullom and Tom DeLay stand before the Senate to present their case. They sing the somber trio "How Can You Not Convict?" (Evidenso multiflimsioso). Finally in a moving chorale, the Chorus of Lawyers sings "For the Good of the Nation, We Must Acquit" (Senatorios non stupido.) After the vote is announced, Henry Hyde, Tom DeLay, Trent Lott and Bill McCollum leave the Senate Chamber singing the grand quartet "We Still Know the Truth" (Wasto multi millioni) as the act ends. Epilogue ... President Clinton sings the contrite aria "I am Very Sorry" (Revengo futuro furioso) as the Chorus of Media circles him, shouting their questions. They sing "Who will now Believe us?" (Publicca desgustanta es in media). Monica Lewinsky strolls across the stage on the arm of her new literary agent, Ken Starr. They sing a stirring duet, "It is Still Not Over" (Publishi grande bucchi, conto multi, multi dollare millioni) as the curtain falls. FINITO
No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true. - Nathaniel Hawthorne |