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Vol. X, No. 1 January 3, 2004 IN THIS ISSUE:
 Margaret Manning reminds us that in some places in the world they are not buried in snow: OUR NEW YEAR GARDEN It happens every year. We sow peas, carrots, broccoli and various types of bean seeds early (sometimes in the middle of winter) in the hope we will be picking vast amounts of succulent organic vegetables before the drought sets in. Once we are past 1st January we sort of expect the garden to die. We know that in an ideal N.Z. garden, everything except the weeds is supposed to have a generous watering two or three times a week. But you can't do this if you are on tank water and a two-three-month drought is expected. We are always delighted when the seedlings pop their heads through the soil, especially if we really have sown them too soon and they've had several doses of torrential winter rain on them. It's amazing that any seeds actually survive the regular drenching. They come up slowly as the soil and air temperature are too cold. Then all of a sudden, in October, they put on growth and we think, "Oh goody, we'll have LOTS and LOTS of such and such this year. We'll keep them well watered, mulched, and fed." We pamper them for a while, and are ecstatic when the first flowers appear. The old-fashioned broad beans (their modern more marketable name escapes me) are the first to crop. They are much nicer when picked young. But before we can fill the large plastic bag, we have to remove the snails that nestle on the leaves. They appear to leave the beans alone, but do like the thick leaves. Peas crop next but are always a disappointment. Although we get a reasonable amount, the plants die quickly, even when watered. I have a theory the seeds are designed to have limited lifespan so people have to buy more to extend the season. We can't plant a second crop as we know that even when watered, successive plantings will not survive even the beginnings of the annual drought. We sowed some beans called Roquefort. We've heard of cheese of that name but they were not mentioned in the many gardening books and encyclopaedia we searched. So we were really keen to see what came up. Would they be dwarf plants with large beans, large plants with dwarf beans, climbers, or have red, pink or white flowers? They are delicious yellow beans and both the plants and the beans are small in size. They have cropped very heavily and have withstood the drought so far. The other bean varieties we have at the moment are green stringless, "Dally" (green with a purple stripe on the outside) and scarlet runners. We still think they are the best. The "Dally" beans are so called as they are popular with families who came to N.Z. from Dalmatia. The carrots are huge, very tasty, and need harvesting before they grow beards. But the broccoli - well it's a terrible sight to behold. We just can't grow good broccoli at our place. We can hardly wait to watch them die off as the sun burns each and every bit of them.
SPINNER READERS OFF TO WARMER CLIMES Zvonko and Ljiljana Springer leave for Mombasa on January 7th, where they will remain, "thawing our old aged bones and other aching body elements" until January 27th. The two Oak Hillers send many regards and good wishes for a reasonable and bearable winter season 2004.
Unfortunately, this scenario could also occur in usually balmy New Westminster this winter: HER GOOD DEED FOR THE DAY As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says: "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Ontario, and I'm driving the damn SALT TRUCK!"
EVERYDAY HEROES If you haven't already done so, make a resolve to do something to reaffirm your faith in everyday kindness. Here is what one of the volunteers at the HeroicStories site has to say about his involvement: Leo in Washington, the webmaster: "For me, it's all about reinforcing the belief that people are fundamentally GOOD. In a society where only bad behavior gets headlines, it's doubly important not just to remember, but to remind others, that for every instance of bad news, there are *thousands* of good things happening every day. They're defined as 'not newsworthy' because *they're too common*. Good people doing good things every day is the rule, not the exception. HeroicStories is our twice-weekly reminder." Subscriptions to HeroicStories are free. Visit http://www.HeroicStories.com
Kate Brookfield posted this story about FORREST GUMP The day finally arrives that Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He walks up to the Pearly Gates and is met by St. Peter himself. The good saint says: "Well, Forrest, we're glad to see you. We certainly have heard a lot about you. I must let you know, however, that the place is filling up fast, so we have been giving an entrance examination to everyone. The test is short but you have to pass before you can get into Heaven. You need to answer these three questions: 1. What days of the week begin with the letter "T"? 2. How many seconds are there in a year? 3. What is God's first name? Forrest says, "Well, the first one - that's an easy one. There are two of them - Today and Tomorrow." The saint's eyes open wide in surprise: "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but, well ... I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the second question?" "Now, that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I'll guess the answer to be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? TWELVE? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve," Forrest answers. "January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, and so on." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on to the final question, which is: Can you tell me God's first name?" "Sure, that's easy!" Forrest replies. "It's Andy." "Andy?" exclaims the exasperated and frustrated saint. "OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of 'Andy' as the first name of God?" "Shucks," Forrest replies, "that was the easiest one of all: Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own." St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and says, quietly, "Run, Forrest, run!"
Carol Shoemaker sends this positive poem: I'M FINE - HOW ARE YOU?
There's nothing the matter with me,
All my teeth have had to come out,
Arch supports I need for my feet,
Old age is golden, I've heard it said,
The reason I know my youth has been spent
I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Keith Elliott sends this story: A REAL CHALLENGE A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it. Seven days later, they all got together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who with his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages, went first. "Well," he said, in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle ... WE DUNK!!! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures!"
Nevil Horsfall posted these NOTABLE QUOTES "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here." - Jerry Seinfeld "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." - Ellen DeGeneres "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." - Dick Cavett "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." - Rita Rudner "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" - John Mendoza "Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second." - Steven Wright "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." - Conan O'Brien "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." - Lily Tomlin "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." - Jay Leno "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God ... I could be eating a slow learner." - Lynda Montgomery
Don Henderson illustrates an important point: DO YOU LADIES READ? There's a husband and wife. Husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day, ma'am," and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's very likely that she can also think.
WORDS OF WISDOM FROM A CHILD A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." "The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
Tom Williamson forwarded these bits of trivia: DID YOU KNOW...? Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. I keep my toothbrush in the living room now. How about putting the lid down before flushing? The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight. The wingspan of the B-36, a retired USAF bomber, was twice as long. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first 'Marlboro Man'. Barbie's full first name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. All U.S. presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like to be seen wearing them in public. Walt Disney was afraid of mice. Pearls melt in vinegar.
"Under democracy, one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule -and both commonly succeed, and are right." H. L. Mencken |