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Vol. IX, No. 49 December 6, 2003 IN THIS ISSUE:
 Margaret Manning departs from her description of the Black Stump country to tell us about THE ELECTRONIC KEYBOARD I got my Christmas gift from Eric - an electronic keyboard - on the 11th of November, which is rather early. He had nowhere to hide it when I met him at the airport. There it was, as large as life, and although I tried to avert my eyes, it had to be put in the car with his luggage. I really had eyes only for Eric, as he had been in England for a month and I was so pleased to see him. I promised myself I'd definitely never nag him again. Anyway, he bought the keyboard from one of his nephews. It came complete with instruction book and two separate song books. His flight from London was delayed some hours when salt water was found in the hold. By the time he reached Sydney he was pretty tight for time to make his flight on another airline for the trip to N.Z. Australian authorities decided to select him for a random security check, using a new gadget that can detect explosives. He made the flight, unaware that his luggage was not on the same plane. Luckily it turned up on a later flight and was delivered to his Auckland hotel late that evening. Meantime, he had telephoned me asking that I ring his family in England to say he had arrived. I, of course, told them he was here but not his baggage and I wondered why they sounded so concerned about one cabin bag and a sports bag. But not one of them (and they were all in on it) mentioned the electronic gadget. Talk about ability to keep a secret! I started piano lessons when I was about eight and attended these for 3-4 years, so I assumed I'd be able to sit at the keyboard and pick up from where I left off over 50 years ago. I couldn't even find centre C to start with and wondered how I'd cope with sharps and flats. And which was which anyway? I did a cautious scale from C to C and it didn't sound too bad - honestly - except I didn't start at centre C. Anyway, with Eric's expertise, we started to suss it out and I thought how clever and quick he was, forgetting he had had some instruction in England on its use. I decided to set it on piano 1 and basic ballad style and to sing along with the words of old songs that I knew by heart. That helped me to "find" the keys with my right hand, except I found I was using the left hand as well. The next night Eric decided to have a go on it while I was sitting in the opposite corner of the room typing at the computer keyboard. Well, not only does he sing flat and out of tune but he decided to train himself to play with the aid of pre-programmed rhythm. This consisted of a long drum sequence and various other instruments. I'm not exaggerating when I say that the noise was absolutely ghastly. Three weeks later and I can play a few of the chords to accompany the right hand notes to tunes in the song books. That's if I stick with the suggested "voice" and "style" numbers shown with the music. Eric, meantime, is trying to break into song-writing, if the unfamiliar sounds coming from the keyboard are anything to go by. It's hard to believe he once sang in the choir and solo at Westminster Abbey. I think that was before I started my piano lessons at the age of about eight. Anyway, what a great Christmas present he bought for both of us!
Jean Sterling comments on an article in the last issue: CAT ADDICT 2- Do you often use the can opener as a cat location device? I used to do that with my former cats. They would come running when I used the can opener or called loudly, "Tuna!!", which was pronounced with the first syllable being long and with a heavy accent on the second syllable - tuuuuuu-NAH! This was also effective if the cat was hiding and I wanted to take her to the vet - tuuuuuu-NAH got them every time. However, my current cat spent her kitten-hood with a vet, so she eschews all food except Hill's Science Diet (an expensive dry cat food - it's the ultimate health food for kitties). The can opener means nothing to this cat. Fortunately, current cat answers to her name, which none of my other cats did. Current cat is a bit strange, but I guess all cats are a bit strange. 3- Do you ALWAYS choose greeting cards, gift wrap, etc. featuring pictures of cats? No, but two years ago I made a Christmas card that featured a photo of my cat thinking about climbing the Christmas tree which had been taken the previous year. 4- Do you call home while on vacation just to leave a message on the answering machine for your cat to hear? Kitty is smart but hasn't figured out how to answer the phone. 5- Do you rearrange your furniture just so the cat can have the best vantage point to see out of the window? Sometimes I will move a chair so she can sun herself better. 8- Do you make your bed around the cat instead of moving kitty to a different location? Our made bed will sometimes have a big lump in the middle of it.
Bill Murphy says last week's story is too good to be true: THE FOLDED NAPKIN This story Something for Stevie contains just about every classical glurge element save Jesus and puppies: A "mentally handicapped" person of marginal economic means who works hard to support himself and his disabled mother, who is meticulous and conscientious about his job performance, and who is well-liked by everyone he comes in contact with. Working class folks with hearts of gold who accept him for who he is and respond with overwhelming generosity when a medical condition strains his family's limited financial resouces. A bountiful outpouring of affection and material assistance which coincidentally falls on that most appropriate of holidays, Thanksgiving. If this doesn't describe the world as it is, it certainly describes the world as we'd like it to be. Is Stevie real, and is his story as related here true? Unfortunately, no - "Something for Stevie" is a work of fiction by author Dan Anderson, published in rpm Magazine for Truckers in November 1998 and reprised in the 2000 book Stories for a Faithful Heart. You can check this out at http://www.snopes.com/glurge/stevie.htm ~~~ ED. NOTE: Here, however, is a true story taken from The Vancouver Sun on Thursday, Dec. 4: COPS PACK PUB, RAISE OVER $10,000 FOR CANCER BATTLE If you happened by Cedar Cottage Neighbourhood Pub on Vancouver's east side on a recent rainy Thursday night, you might have wondered why the pub was overflowing with Vancouver cops. Young cops, old cops, retired cops. Cops raising their glasses in beery toasts.... You would have discovered all those cops were there because of Candy. Candy Anfield, that is. She is a 23-year VPD veteran, but these days battling a different kind of bad guy. The cancer found her in the summer of 2002, invading her right breast. Chemotherapy beat it back, but it returned, travelling to a lung. She's back on chemo, fighting. And she's doing it with a little help from her friends. By closing time on that blustery night, 400 or so of Vancouver's finest had not only opened their hearts, but their wallets. When it was all done, they had raised more than $10,000. Originally, the money was for Candy and her family - her "rock," husband Mike, also a Vancouver cop, and their 14-year-old daughter, Emily. Treat yourself, everyone said. Candy, overwhelmed by their kindness and generosity, is thinking about it, but says breast cancer research may need it more. She has a message for all those cops: "I am so honoured and humbled. The energy in that room was amazing. It helped me so much."
Don Henderson asks: Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this short story... IT'S IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a dentist, I noticed her certificate, which bore her full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a slender, great-looking gal with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing her, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This gray-haired lady with the deeply-lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After she had examined my teeth, I asked her if she had attended the local high school. "Yes," she replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. She answered, "In 1960. Why?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. She looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
And speaking of classmates, Tom Telfer writes about his HIGH SCHOOL REUNION Last June, I attended my high school class reunion. It was an amazing event, seeing many friends after 45 years. I was quick to tell the ladies that they hadn't changed a bit. Somehow, I got the feeling that they didn't believe me. An amazing story unfolded that day. Bill and Pat organized the event and it was noted that at many social events in high school, they were always together. When they entered university, they headed in different directions and married someone else. As time passed, Bill's wife passed away and Pat's husband passed away. Many years later, Bill happened to pass by Pat's home as she was chipping ice in her driveway. They lived in the same city, but were unaware of each other's presence. Bill stopped to chat and soon they were dating. Last year they were married. Now you may think that this is the end of the story, but to everyone's amazement, they both had had two children, and they both had the SAME names: Mark and Margo! I guess we can say: what goes around, comes around.
Jay forwards this example of fast thinking: TOUCHE! A mother accompanied by her small daughter was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed herself a cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replied, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on their way home from work." The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, c'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!" A brief period of silence followed, and the daughter then asked, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?" The mother replied, "Of course, dear, where do you think New York cab drivers come from?"
In this time of the wholesale closing of hospitals and downgrading of health care services, these opinions from Irene Harvalias indicate that medical personnel do have strong feelings about the situation: MEDICAL OPINIONS When the local hospital thought about relocating, rebuilding and reorganizing, they sought the opinions of all the doctors on the staff. Here is how the doctors replied: The allergists voted to scratch it. The dermatologists preferred no rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about the whole thing. The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. The obstetricians stated that they were laboring under a misconception. The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. The orthopedists wanted a joint resolution. The pathologists yelled: "Over my dead body!" The pediatricians said: "Just grow up"! The psychiatrists thought it was all madness. The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The radiologists said they could see right through it. The internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow. The plastic surgeons wanted to put a whole new face on the idea. The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward. The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. And the proctologists said: "We can't consider it at all - we are already in arrears!"
Bruce Galway sends this story about THE TRIPLE FILTER In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?" "Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the triple filter test." "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and...." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?" "No, on the contrary...." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was sleeping with his wife.
Judith English forwards this, just in time for Christmas giving: FINALLY A BARBIE WE CAN RELATE TO... At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic... 1. Bifocals Barbie - Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. 2. Hot Flash Barbie - Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues. 3. Facial Hair Barbie - As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. 4. Flabby Arms Barbie - Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two mumus with tummy-support panels are included. 5. Bunion Barbie - Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. 6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie - Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. 7. Soccer Mom Barbie - All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. 8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie - It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." 9. Divorced Barbie - Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat. 10. Recovery Barbie - Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke. 11. Post-Menopausal Barbie - This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning." - John Barrymore |