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Vol. IX, No. 35 August 30, 2003 IN THIS ISSUE:
 Margaret Manning writes about another trip: CROCODILES AND RAINFOREST IN NORTH QUEENSLAND Our trip to Cairns (I say Carenz; the Aussies say Cans) was as long ago as 1987, but we still have vivid memories of that fabulous holiday in North Queensland. The song 'Mad Dogs and Englishmen Go out in the Midday Sun' applied to us as we arrived at noon on a steaming hot day with the temperature expected to rise. We had to wait about 20 minutes for a taxi. Our apartment was very well appointed, extremely spacious and self-contained. Decorated in restful colours, there were plenty of ceiling fans, potted ferns and tropical plants. There was a decent sized pool and spa and an on-site restaurant. The shops were only three blocks away so within walking distance. Cairns had a wonderful "colonial feel" to it, a laid-back pace of life and unpretentious shops. We liked it right away and spent quite a lot of time sauntering up and down the streets just enjoying the atmosphere. Even in our younger days we weren't into anything "extreme" and were looking for gentle activities during our holiday. The "slow cruise", as it was called, seemed to fit our requirements. This was on a paddle boat that glided through the mangroves and the still waters of Cairns Harbour. This was where I first saw pelicans in large numbers. There were several trips on offer to the Great Barrier Reef. The most popular one at that time was on a glass=bottomed boat, with food and drinks available all day. As we had done a similar trip in Fiji years before, we opted for a 40-minute jet boat trip to Green Island. This island is surrounded by a coral reef and thousands of colourful fish. Our tour of the Atherton Tablelands started by train to Kuranda. The train meanders into thick-clad bush, past waterfalls, into tunnels and over cuttings. Kuranda Station was very pretty, with masses of hanging plants. The coach collected us there and made its way into World Heritage rainforest. We had a cruise around the edge of Lake Barrine, viewing ancient trees and many exotic birds. Another coach tour took us to the Evelyn Tablelands, where we visited a tea plantation in a setting that looked as if it were in India. We saw our first cassowary and bush turkeys at a wild life attraction. Our third coach tour was to Port Douglas. We called in at a few beach settlements en route and visited a replica of an opal mine. This part of Queensland produces vast amounts of sugar cane and we travelled through the cane fields by train from Mossman to Port Douglas. The coach then took us a short distance north towards the famous Daintree rainforest. Port Douglas was a most attractive town with a lovely beach. Quite an "up market" place. On the way back we went to a crocodile, snake and wild life park. Although these fresh water crocs were in semi-hibernation, they could still move pretty quickly. We were told these are much less dangerous than the salt water variety but I wouldn't trust any of them. Phew, what a busy holiday. After leaving Cairns we went by bus down the coast to Townsville, which had had no rain for eight years. That was more of a working man's town and we enjoyed that too.
Anne Rahamut writes about OUR PERFECT PERIOD FIRE When we bought our house 30 years ago, the living room fireplace contained four short lengths of paper birch logs. According to the 60-year-old owner, she brought them back from a trip to Ontario's cottage country when she was young, and they had lain in the old coal basket in the fireplace ever since, unburnt and yellowing. Our first move on the fireplace was to go to the local coal-and-wood supplier - yes, indeed, they only went out of business a decade ago - where we bought an armful of firewood. Paper first, then kindling, small strips of wood, and finally a large log or two ... we lit the fire and sat back with relish. I know what you're thinking ... the damper, they forgot to open the damper, but that part was okay. It was the fire itself; the logs would not catch. We tried again and again. Finally, Pat got out his blowtorch and took aim. He drilled a small scorched hole into a log, but it merely sizzled and died. Really wet wood! A kindly neighbour offered us wood from a tree he had chopped down, so we created "the wood bin" in the basement and stacked the wood to dry. One evening the following winter, we prepared a fire, and stretched out in our chairs watching its flaming tongues ... and its smoky breath. No, no, not the damper, again it was the wood itself. No matter what we did, the wood smoked like crazy. W-h-e-n we got the house cleaned up, we stacked the wood by the curb for the garbage. As I was wheeling out another lot, I saw a car do a u-turn and park by the wood pile. "No," I said, "You won't want this," but he took it anyway. Good luck to him. Twenty-five years ago came the fire log phase. Easily purchased, and ignited, fire logs seemed like the perfect compromise. But they were modern, artificial, and really tiny for the big coal basket. Besides, we worried about wax build-up in the chimney. So, we settled on having a real fire from time to time, with wood we trusted ... until I said to Pat, "This is a coal basket, not a wood grate. The proper period fire for this fireplace must be coal." So, we topped off our wood fires with chunks of coal and, in theory, had the answer. After dinner, we would lay a fire, sip a digestif, and wait for the old 1920s household ambience to live again in the red glowing coals. The only problem was that it took hours for the fire to reach the glowing-coal stage. By then, I was marking papers and Pat was doing carpentry. As we passed the living room, we'd peep in, like voyeurs, and regretfully move on with our modern evening tasks. Twenty years ago, we redecorated the living room. Away went the coal basket and all its dirty ashy mess. In its place stood a grate with artificial logs hiding a flaming gas bar. With a flick of a switch we had a very satisfying after-dinner hour of fire-watching ... until I said, "I miss the coal basket." So, Pat removed the wood grate, wrestled the gas bar into the old coal basket, piled on the artificial logs and we carried on like that for awhile ... until I said, "I remember my grandparents' gas fireplace, all filled with artificial glass coals. They glowed realistically and beautifully." And so the hunt began for artificial coals, in antique stores, fireplace shops, the Old House Journal. Years went by. Fifteen years ago, on a trip to England, we admired the modernized gas-fired artificial coal fireplaces in our friends' homes and located a dealer who sold us just the coals. We joked about what we'd say to the customs officer on our return to Canada, but we made it home, coals and all. These English coals were like black cubes of candyfloss, airy and light. They glowed nicely in the coal basket and Pat thought he'd done his last fireplace renovation. Alas, it wasn't to be. As the coals glowed, they spat off bits of themselves which littered the hearth and dropped onto the gas bar, blocking the gas jets. End of English coals. And more years went by. Last weekend, as we were returning to the city, I said to Pat, "Let's make it a garage sale drive." So we looked at children's games, broken tools, and unsprung chairs all along the road home. Finally, we stopped where a man was offering radio parts and blister-packed gizmos, filing cabinets ... and old glass coals! Playing it cagey-like, I asked what they were and he replied with great pleasure that they were fireplace coals, "really old." We carried off two bucketsful for a dollar. I washed them down and examined them. They look like slag glass, big chunks the size of rocks, little chunks like ice cubes, in a wonderful brownish red colour which glows gorgeously against a light source. This fall, Pat will clean the last of the black bits out of the fireplace, instal a metal grate to support the coals and sometime soon, we will be firing up the gas bar. Some champagne might be in order, or whatever they drank back in 1928 when our house was built. We may now have the perfect period fire. It only took us 30 years. Of course, if this doesn't work out, we can still go down to the basement and find those four old birch logs, re-install them, and be done with the good fight. I'm sending this account along to Tale Spinner now, before the big trial, so you all can share with us the anticipation of success and, later, the results of the event itself.
Marion Telling forwards this Irish joke with a Mexican slant: FATHER AND SON An old man lived alone in Mexico. He wanted to spade his chili garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Francisco, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: "Franciso: I am feeling pretty bad 'cause I do not think I will be able to plant my chili garden this year. I am just getting too old to dig a garden, but if you were here, all my problems would be over. I know you would dig the dirt for me. Love, Pop." A few days later he received a letter from his son: "Dear Pop: Please don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried the bodies. Love, Francisco." At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son: "Dear Pop: Go ahead and plant the chili now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Francisco."
Keith Elliott forwards this one about INCENTIVES There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds. Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause. Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll give him SEX!!" There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?" Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the rabbi.'"
Don Henderson sends an article which proves that the "good old days" were not always that great: HOW THEY DID THE WASH IN THE OLDEN DAYS Years ago a Kentucky grandmother gave the new bride the following recipe for washing clothes. It appears below just as it was written, and despite the spelling, it has a bit of philosophy. This is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrap book (with spelling errors and all). RECIPE FOR WASHING CLOTHES 1. Bilt fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. 2. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert. 3. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in bilin water. 4. Sort things, make 3 piles. 1 pile white, 1 pile colored, 1 pile work britches and rags. 5. To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with bilin water. 6. Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and then bile. Rub colored don't bile, just rinch and starch. 7. Take things out of kettle with broomstick handle, then rinch, and starch. 8. Hang old rags on fence. 9. Spread tea towels on grass. 10. Pore rinch water in flower bed. 11. Scrub porch with hot soapy water. 12. Turn tubs upside down. 13. Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings. Paste this over your washer and dryer and next time when you think things are bleak, read it again and give thanks for your blessings!
Carol Shoemaker tells the story of ONE WISH A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy" After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Here are some truly ATROCIOUS PUNS A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here." He crumples him up and tosses him out onto the sidewalk, where he gets all scraped up and tangled. The string walks right back in and orders a drink. Amazed, the bartender asks, "Hey, aren't you that same string I just threw out?" The string answers, "No, I'm a frayed knot!" A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive...." Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed; is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f sh.
Gerrit de Leeuw sends this BRAIN TEASER Time to make your brain work today, with a relatively EASY brainteaser. All I want you to do is take the word STARLING, and drop one letter, so that you have created a new word. Then drop another letter, which makes another new word, then drop another, then another, and another, etc., until you have created nine new words in total. At NO time are you allowed to rearrange any of the letters in a different order. You have two minutes to complete this task before this email self-destructs.
SOME GREAT THINGS ABOUT GETTING OLDER (cough, cough) * Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00 o'clock. * Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. * Kidnappers are not very interested in you. * It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick. * If you've never smoked you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you. * People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. * Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. * Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. * Your eyes won't get much worse. * Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient. * Things you buy now won't wear out. * No one expects you to run into a burning building. * You don't need the shingles with the 30-year guarantee. * There is no need to spend money for a psychic to see your future. * Someone else will have the unpleasant task of burying your pets. * There's nothing left to learn the hard way. * Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. * Protecting your eyes during a solar eclipse isn't as important as it used to be. * Buying cheap tires and not rotating them makes economic sense. * No one thinks you're cheap because you don't buy a half a cow to freeze. * You may never have to vacuum under the bed again. * Taking the shortest magazine subscription is economically defensible. * You don't have to bother planting perennials. * In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. - Bertrand Russell |