|
Vol. IX, No. 33 August 16, 2003 IN THIS ISSUE:
 ED. NOTE: You are all aware of the problems the last issue encountered. You may not have missed it when I first sent it, but you will have realized something was amiss when you got two copies of that issue together. Burke Dykes in Seattle said that servers have been plagued with a virus, so perhaps MindLink was another victim. Whatever the cause, none of the mail I sent between last Saturday and this Thursday went out until Thursday, when it all went out together. With the problems caused by the power blackout in Ontario and New York, computers have been hard hit this week. Let us hope that the power has been restored without too much lost data, and that the virus is a thing of the past.
Margaret Manning writes: The following article is reprinted from our local newspaper The Northland Age, with the permission of the writer, Robin Shepherd: THE COMPUTER BLUES My computer's got the 'flu. It seems to be a virus which has got in the system and only time will cure. It is not one of those usual diseases which seem to get caught by one computer talking to another. No. This affliction is one that is quite unique. Perhaps it is a new and yet undiscovered disease. It has developed a habit of stuttering. For some strange reason it finds it hard to write a "qu" word without stuttering over the letter "u". I have tried encouraging the machine using speech therapy exercises but relapses are common. Along with that I find the exercises are pretty difficult for me to administer, so I guess I should not blame the machine for struggling. From time to time it has memory lapses. I leave it with something on the screen that I intend to come back to later but when I do there is a memory block and somehow it cannot remember what it was that was on screen, nor can it find just where it has gone. To make matters worse, I have often forgotten what it was I was working on anyway. Then there are the times when it has a self-imposed censor mode for e-mail. There are some messages that my computer will not accept. These are messages which are totally innocent and contain no virus nasties, but the vigilant mind of my computer at times refuses to let them on board. I can fool the gatekeeper some of the time, but just when I think I have got things sorted, suddenly nothing happens. To make it worse I can never guess who it was who might have been sending me a message. Then there are those times when it seems that it has taken time out for a stop work meeting. It just sits there staring back at me. I can nudge and prod but there is no reaction. I can click the mouse left, right and centre but I still get that empty stare. I leave it and go for a cup of tea, and while I am away it wakes up and is all happy screen when I get back but no explanation of where it's been or why the empty looks. I am sure it is trying to persuade me that it is all in my mind and that it has never missed a beat. My wife tells me that I should get a new machine but I am not going to be beaten. This is a perfectly good seven-year-old machine. There are no scratches on the paint work and it still makes the same noises that it always has. The way I look at it is that if a 90-year-old Model T Ford is still capable of going as well as when it first hit the road, then my computer can get over this dose of 'flu and regain its previous health and vigour. Perhaps a couple of crushed aspros scattered on the mother board will help. Who knows? Not all the miracles of science have yet been discovered.
This one went through a number of mailboxes before it reached us: TOP SIX THINGS I HATE ABOUT STAR TREK 6. Noisy Doors. You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40. 5. "Reversing the Polarity." For cripes sake, Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000-hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by 'reversing the polarity'." Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it. 4. Seatbelts. Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good eight feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some futuristic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!" 3. No fuses. Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down. 2. A Star Trek quiz: Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back? 1. The Holodeck. I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.
You don't even have to own a cat to appreciate this one: THE CAT A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cabdriver hit a parked car....
Carol Shoemaker writes: A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first-graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are six-year-olds. The last one is a classic! Do you really think a six-year-old said that? NEW PROVERBS Better to be safe than ... punch a 5th grader. Strike while the ... bug is close. It's always darkest before ... Daylight Saving Time. Never underestimate the power of ... termites. You can lead a horse to water but ... how? Don't bite the hand that ... looks dirty. No news is ... impossible. A miss is as good as a ... Mr. You can't teach an old dog new ... math. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ... stink in the morning. Love all, trust ... me. The pen is mightier than the ... pigs. An idle mind is ... the best way to relax. Where there's smoke there's ... pollution. Happy the bride who ... gets all the presents. A penny saved is ... not much. Two's company, three's ... the Musketeers. Don't put off till tomorrow what ... you put on to go to bed. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and ... you have to blow your nose. There are none so blind as ... Stevie Wonder. Children should be seen and not ... spanked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries. You get out of something only what you ... see in the picture on the box. When the blind lead the blind ... get out of the way. And the favorite: Better late than ... pregnant. Ed. note: I think Carol is right to be suspicious!
MANAGEMENT AT ITS BEST A company, feeling it is time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Shirley Coutts posted these OXYMORONS 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? 11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? 15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 20. Why is bra singular and panties plural? 21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? 22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 23. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? 27. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Irene Harvalias is guilty of forwarding this HORRIBLE PUN Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks from the scene of the crime when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error he replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Looking for a new pet? Here are some choices to consider: NEW DOG BREEDS Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers but ... it doesn't seem to matter. Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed. Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet. Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries. Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed. Pekingnese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog. Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle. Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists. Newfoundland x Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors. Terrier x Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes. Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly. Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work. Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
THE FARMER A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them." "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board." "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. He gets ten dollars a week and chewing tobacco." "Ah ha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!" "You're talkin' to him," said the farmer. ED. NOTE: Wow! $2400 a month for a hired man and $2000 for a cook! They must have rich farmers in Georgia.
GOLF STORIES A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?" to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?" The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"? He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?" An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local country club. He went to the club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today. Finally, the assistant pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80-year-old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker, he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money! The pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" Replied the octogenarian, "I do. Would you please give me a hand?" A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read 'Fred Brown died.'" Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'"
Ancient histories, as one of our wits has said, are but fables that have been agreed upon. - Voltaire |