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Vol. IX, No. 31 August 2, 2003 IN THIS ISSUE:
 Margaret Manning, who is in the middle of winter while we are sizzling, writes: SEWING A TALE OF WOE I really enjoyed Terry Miller Shannon's piece about making pastry. I think the word "simple" or "easy" was mentioned and that was what made me think about how simple and easy it is to sew. Or so I've been told hundreds of times. But I've never been able to do it properly. I've been trying since I was about eight years old, when I attempted to sew on a button, and I've rarely got it right. Surely a simple enough task, and what can go wrong? To start with you need the right-sized needle to go through the tiny holes in the button. That usually means a very small needle, which in turn means difficulty threading the darned thing. Then the decision whether to knot the end of the cotton. It is easier to do if you knot it, otherwise the cotton pulls right through the fabric and the button and you haven't made a stitch. If the knot is too small the cotton still comes right through. If it's too bulky it can make the repair a bit lumpy. Believe me; this is all true. The colour of the cotton has, of course, to match the colour of the button and the fabric otherwise it looks awful. So that means a search through all the reels of cotton to find the right colour. Inevitably you always need a shade you haven't got and you only need a short length to sew on one button. That's really the easy part. Sewing the button on exactly opposite the hole it fits into is a major task for me. And of course, there is often the problem of not having the actual button that has come off the garment. How does one match a pretty little red button when most of the buttons you have are different sized white shirt buttons. That could mean having to remove all the buttons from the troublesome garment and starting again. So when someone tells me that shortening a skirt or pair of trousers is a simple task and is really totally dead easy, I tell them I can't sew on a button properly. I know nobody believes me and I don't say it to get attention. It's a fact of life. Apart from my efforts aged eight, my problems with sewing really started at grammar school when the sewing teacher (a spinster aged about 95 at the time) told me off for sewing left-handed. It was hemming and I couldn't understand why the stitches had to "fall" a certain way. So I turned the garment upside down to make the stitches look right. But I still got severely reprimanded in front of the whole class. I've hated sewing ever since. So good on Terry Miller Shannon and her spouse for finally mastering how to make a pie. I know I'll never master the art of sewing on a button correctly.
Keith Elliott forwards this prognostication: WHO SAID ENGLISH IS A DIFFICULT LANGUAGE? The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the fourth yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. Zen ve vil rul ze world!
Bruce Galway forwards the most interesting news in the night sky in August: A (RELATIVELY) CLOSE ENCOUNTER Never again in your (or my) lifetime will the Red Planet be so spectacular. This month and next Earth is catching up with Mars, an encounter that will culminate in the closest approach between the two planets in recorded history. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287. Due to the way Jupiter's gravity tugs on Mars and perturbs its orbit, astronomers can only be certain that Mars has not come this close to Earth in the last 5,000 years, but it may be as long as 60,000 years. The encounter will culminate on August 27th when Mars comes to within 34,649,589 miles and will be (next to the moon) the brightest object in the night sky. It will attain a magnitude of -2.9 and will appear 25.11 arc seconds wide. At a modest 75-power magnification Mars will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. Mars will be easy to spot. At the beginning of August, Mars will rise in the east at 10 p.m. and reach its azimuth at about 3 a.m. But by the end of August when the two planets are closest, Mars will rise at nightfall and reach its highest point in the sky at 12:30 a.m. That's pretty convenient when it comes to seeing something that no human has seen in recorded history. So mark your calendar at the beginning of August to see Mars grow progressively brighter and brighter throughout the month. No one alive today will ever see this again.
Irene Harvalias forwards this useful info: FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WATCH WHAT YOU EAT For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health, and it's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies: 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. 3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. 6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies and cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Nevil Horsfall posted these NOTABLE QUOTES "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here." - Jerry Seinfeld "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." - Ellen DeGeneres "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." - Dick Cavett "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." - Rita Rudner "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" - John Mendoza "Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second." - Steven Wright "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." - Conan O'Brien "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." - Lily Tomlin "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." - Jay Leno "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner." - Lynda Montgomery
Bill McNair is guilty of forwarding this atrocious pun: THE SEASIDE A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice. "No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesman." "A battery salesman?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied. "She sells 'C' cells by the sea shore!"
RELATIVITY A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases: A billion seconds ago it was 1959. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends it.
GLOBILIZATION Question: How do you define Globalization ? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question: What do you mean ? Answer: An English Princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was pissed on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by an Italian paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines, and this is sent to you by an Israeli, using Bill Gates' technology, which he stole from the Taiwanese.
Gerrit de Leeuw sends this explanation of THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOCTORS AND MECHANICS Now I know why doctors charge more than mechanics. A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it while it's running!
SUPPLY AND DEMAND A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year-old son. They walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for? "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for...."
Robert Fargher posted these WORDS THAT SHOULD EXIST... Accordionated (ah kor' de on ay tid) - adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time. Aeropalmics (ayr o palm' iks) - n. The study of wind resistance conducted by holding a cupped hand out the car window. Agonosis (ah uh no' sis) - n. The syndrome of tuning into "Wide World of Sports" every Saturday just to watch the skier rack himself. Bozone - n. The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Mummabolic chorus (mum uh bah' lik ko' rus) - n. When three or more people are singing along to a tune and suddenly discover they are all faking their way through the unintelligible lyrics. Narcolepulacy (nar ko lep' ul ah see) - n. The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn. Oreosis (awr ee oh' sis) - n. The practice of eating the cream center of an Oreo before eating the cookie outsides. Pajangle (pah jan' gul) - n. Condition of waking up with your pajamas turned 180 degrees. Prestofrigeration - The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. Rignition (rig ni' shun) - n. The embarrassing action of trying to start one's car with the engine already running. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Sark (sark) - n. The marks left on one's ankle after wearing tube socks all day. Turfigee and Pedigee (ter' fih jee and ped' ih jee) - n. The two extreme target points of a rotary lawn sprinkler, TURFIGEE being the safest point at which to walk past, PEDIGEE being the most dangerous. Tanumbum - n. The sorry side of the Christmas tree that gets placed toward the wall. Wondracide - v. The act of mangling a piece of soft white bread with a pat of cold butter.
"To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring." - George Santayana |