1. Law I - The Field of Play
                                  The field shall be in perfect condition. If it is not in perfect condition, it is
                                  the referee's fault, and the referee must repair any imperfections
                                  immediately. The referee shall tell the league that the field was not perfect,
                                  and the league will make the community Parks and Recreation
                                  Department fix the field immediately.

                                  2. Law II - The Ball
                                  Our team gets to kick around the game ball before the game. Our goalie
                                  has the right to veto any choice of the game ball. If our team doesn't
                                  approve of the amount of air in the game ball, then we may force the
                                  referee to change the ball whenever we feel like it.

                                  3. Law III - Number of Players
                                  The coach can submit a list to the referee whenever he feels like it. When
                                  we want to substitute, all substitutes shall run on the field immediately the
                                  referee indicates that a substitution will be allowed.

                                  4. Law IV - Players Equipment
                                  If our goalie isn't wearing colors which distinguish himself from us, then it
                                  doesn't matter, and the referee is being officious if he asks him to change.
                                  The other goalie must wear the color of our team. The referee shall check
                                  the other team's equipment before the game.

                                  If the referee in the last game said it was OK, then you (today's referee)
                                  must also allow it.

                                  A team must use at least three different colors of socks.

                                  Under no circumstances may a team tuck their jerseys in.

                                  5. Law V - Referee
                                  The referee shall agree that the coaches have a far superior view of the
                                  game from the halfway line in front of their benches and can see all the
                                  fouls that occur, whether or not the referee calls them.

                                  If a referee observes more than 2/3 of the spectators in an uproar over his
                                  last call he/she must immediately stop play and submit to an eye exam.
                                  If, after the exam has occurred, it is deemed that the referee does indeed
                                  require spectacles, it is the visiting teams responsibility to provide a proper
                                  pair.

                                  Punishment for the second occurrence shall be a warning of bodily harm
                                  by a designated spectator whose name shall be submitted prior to the
                                  match (no substitutions shall be allowed.)

                                  Upon the third occurrence the referee shall be staked at midfield and
                                  secured with a tether not to exceed six feet in length (before stretching)
                                  but which must be at least two feet in length, and the spectators shall be
                                  awarded five minutes to discipline the referee as they see fit, provided
                                  there are a minimum of two spectators providing discipline at the same
                                  time. If the level falls below two spectators at any time while the referee is
                                  still breathing, then the referee shall be released and play will resume.

                                  6. Law VI - Linesman
                                  If the referee makes a decision we don't like, then the linesman has the
                                  power to reverse the referee's decision.

                                  If our desperate appeals to the referee get us nothing, then it shall be
                                  appropriate to yell at the linesman, because the linesman can't caution us.

                                  When the other team is offside, our defender will raise one arm, and then
                                  the linesman shall put his flag up.

                                  Club linesmen shall be permitted to yell at the players from the other
                                  team, and it shall be taken personally if the referee reverses the decision
                                  of a club linesman.

                                  7. Law VII - Duration of the Game
                                  If after ninety minutes have elapsed, and we are leading, then the game
                                  shall terminate immediately.

                                  Our coaches watch shall keep the official time for the game.

                                  If the coach does not approve of the amount of time being added on to the
                                  half, then he shall complain to the linesman nearest him, who shall force
                                  the referee to end the half immediately.

                                  8. Law VIII - Start of Play
                                  The captains shall conduct a coin toss.

                                  The captains shall be immune from being punished for dissent for the
                                  duration of the game.

                                  During a drop ball, the ball need not hit the ground before it is played,
                                  unless the referee decides, for some reason, to stop play and drop it
                                  again.

                                  9. Law IX - Ball In and Out of Play
                                  The coach is permitted to stand on the touch line, regardless of whether
                                  the linesman's view of the line is obstructed.

                                  10. Law X - Method of Scoring
                                  A goal is scored if the majority of the ball crosses the line.

                                  11. Law XI - Offside
                                  If the linesman flags us for offside, the we shall be permitted to yell "It's
                                  when the ball is played!" at the linesman.

                                  If we fail to properly execute an offside trap, then we will forget that offside
                                  is judged when the ball is played, and the ensuing goal shall be the fault of
                                  the linesman.

                                  A player can't be offside if he receives the ball on his own half of the field.

                                  A player isn't offside if he moves back to onside position to receive the
                                  ball.

                                  Any attacker who is unmarked is, by definition, to be declared offside.

                                  12. Law XII - Fouls and Misconduct
                                  If the ball comes in contact with the hand or arm of an opponent in his
                                  penalty area, a penalty kick shall be awarded.

                                  No matter how far I kick the ball away, I can't be cautioned for delay of
                                  game if the ball is still on the field when I kick it.

                                  A player should not be sent off for intentional hand ball if he was only
                                  trying to stop a goal.

                                  It is dangerous play for my opponents to play the ball while they are lying
                                  on the ground. My teams position has no effect on this ruling.

                                  If the players shoe came off on the shot, then the goal should be
                                  disallowed for dangerous play.

                                  A spectator with a dog on a leash must stay at least one yard from the
                                  touch line; however the dog, since it was unable to understand soccer
                                  rules, may enter the field of play.

                                  When a goalkeeper catches the ball, any nearby attacker shall run up to
                                  the goalkeeper and stand directly in front of him, within one yard of him,
                                  and shall stare at him.

                                  Any ball which last touched a defender before going to the goalkeeper
                                  shall be considered a back pass and penalized with an IFK.

                                  A goalkeeper who traps the ball with his feet may only take four steps
                                  while dribbling the ball.

                                  No foul shall be called if a player gets the ball.

                                  Any player who raises his foot above knee height is guilty of "high
                                  kicking".

                                  A player may not move if he is standing in front of the goalkeeper.

                                  13. Law XIII - Free Kicks
                                  If we do not agree that the opposing team is 10 yards away, then we shall
                                  inform the referee, and he will move them back even more.

                                  We shall be permitted to delay the taking of a free kick until we are ready
                                  for it.

                                  If we take a quick free kick, and we lose possession to an opponent who
                                  was within 10 yards, then play shall be stopped and we shall take the kick
                                  over again.

                                  A defender need not yield 10 yards during a corner kick if a colleague of
                                  the player taking the kick goes over to assist with a short corner.

                                  A defender shall be allowed to kick the ball away if he feels that he needs
                                  more time to set up for an attackers kick.

                                  14. Law XIV - Penalty Kick
                                  It was probably a bad call anyway.

                                  15. Law XV - Throw In
                                  In youth games, the referee shall penalize every foul throw, regardless of
                                  whether it will result in most of the time being spent taking throw-ins.

                                  16. Law XVI - Goal Kick
                                  The defending team can play the ball after it has traveled 10 yards. The
                                  attacking team must wait for the ball to leave the penalty area before
                                  playing it.

                                  17. Law XVII - Corner Kick
                                  If the ball, after being kicked, travels less than its circumference before
                                  crossing over the goal line, it shall be deemed to have never "come in" and
                                  the kick shall be retaken.