Eustace the Useless Rabbit was a vinyl record put out by Big Island Music in 1981, a small entertainment company founded and run by Stan Zabka, who also co-wrote the album. It was distributed in Canada by Pickwick Records (SPC-5168). The album art (shown above) was by Peter Bastiansen, who got the most prominent credit on the back of the album cover. This is a little disturbing, a) because I can't imagine a child ever wanting to buy something that looked like this, and b) because everyone else (music, story, speech) got credited with much smaller writing, as if their involvement was somehow less important. What is this album like? Click on the links to hear audio samples in mp3 format, and read on... First comes the song. I've chopped it down a bit. Have you listened to it? If so, you don't have to listen to anything else, because now you have heard the entire plot. That's it. Everything else on this fifteen-minute album is filler, including the second side of the album, which is a bunch of unrelated children's stuff. After the song, Eustace bubbles with glee over being the Easter bunny. Along comes Freddy Fox, who makes fun of him and asks why he's all dressed up. Eustace says that he's the Easter bunny, and receives harsh, mocking laughter. Then they have this conversation, and a flashback. At this point, you may be experiencing a strange feeling of déjà vu. Some of the dialogue sounds mysteriously familiar - why, almost exactly like the lyrics of the opening song! I'm glad they repeated everything, because frankly, it would be far too difficult for a child to remember such complex details. (The person singing the song and playing the role of the painter is listed as Glenn Ash. The other person credited on the album is the animation voice actor Frank Welker, who is listed as doing the "animal voices". Since every character on the album is an animal, I assume this means that all of the dialogue, everyone, is voiced by Frank Welker. The way different characters say "Yeeeeeup!" and "Faaaaantastic!" seems to confirm this.) Although Eustace has already had one flashback to help explain his story, he suddenly says, "Listen, here's how it all happened..." and promptly has another flashback. This one takes up most of the album, and - to clear up any possible confusion - goes through the whole damn story again. At least this time, there's some extra details. Eustace hasn't cleaned his room and is lazily watching his "friends" play baseball. (I say "friends", because although Eustace constantly refers to the other characters as his friends, all they do is insult him.) A stray baseball hits him, despite several people trying to warn him. The other animals proceed to make fun of Eustace, repeating words from the opening song again. Billy Beaver takes pity on Eustace and invites him to go fishing. As they start to walk, Eustace admits he has no idea how to fish, has no idea how to swim, and doesn't even know where the pond is. Billy shrugs this off, but things rapidly decline from there, until Eustace falls into the pond. Whatever sympathy any child might have felt for Eustace up to this point, is now gone. Sure, the other kids may be mean, name-calling bullies, but Eustace is useless, constantly asking Billy how to do the most simple tasks and seeking approval. After a lot of floundering around in the water, and some pathetic whining, Billy pulls Eustace out and tells him, "You are useless. I don't think I wanna play with you any more." That being said, Billy leaves him in the woods to die. Okay, not really. Billy decides he's fed up, and jumps into the water to swim home, leaving Eustace behind. Eustace wanders through what sounds like a swamp. It's getting dark, he's lost, and he's getting hungry. He can't find his way home by himself, because he is stupid and didn't pay attention to how he got to the pond. Following a beaten path, he hears voices. "I think it's my friends!" Enter the "friends", including Billy Beaver. This is a bit strange, because Billy is no longer swimming, nor going home. Granted, Eustace did mention that he had been "walking all night", however, in real time, Billy has returned after leaving only 43 seconds ago. To make the continuity feel even stranger, in this short span of time, Billy has already told the other animals about what happened, and they are repeating it in case they suddenly suffer from mass amnesia. We also learn the names of the other characters: Guy Goose, Danny Duck, Gavin Groundhog, and Ryan Roadrunner. I think this might explain some of their attitude. If Eustace was named "Robby Rabbit" or "Brian Bunny", he'd fall right in with this crowd. The painter appears, chases the other animals away, and offers to paint a picture of Eustace, which will make him the Easter bunny. Eustace agrees desperately. (For some strange reason, their conversation does not sound like the earlier flashback.) The story completed, we are returned to the present. Freddy is impressed, and wants to be friends with Eustace. And just in case we still don't understand, they perform the whole opening song again. This album would be great for a drinking game, except the large amount of alcohol needed, and the short amount of time required for drinking it, would be decidedly unhealthy. The most pathetic aspect of this album is that Eustace is unlikable, and is awarded for doing nothing; only for being the right species, at the right place, at the right time. Eustace has not learned anything, except that he has the ability to be the Easter bunny, from which he gains some self-confidence. But his problem wasn't self-confidence, it was that he was incredibly lazy and utterly unmotivated. The album offers no evidence that this problem has been solved. In fact, given that Easter is an annual holiday, Eustace will probably be restless and lazy the rest of the year. Eustace gains social acceptance not because of his actions, but because of who he is. People want to be his friend because he's the Easter bunny, not because he's Eustace. And finally, there's the unanswered question of what happened to the last Easter bunny. Epilogue: Big Island Music says that Eustace has sold over a million units, which is kind of scary. They hope to make it into an animated Easter special, but considering this hot product is over 20 years old now, one wonders why it hasn't been picked up. Perhaps I'm being a little too cruel. With a little work - okay, with a lot of work - this kid's story could be patched up and made into something with better values, and less repetition that insults a child's intelligence. It looks as if some editing might have already taken place. The the opening song has been changed ("Eustace saved a baby bird, who thought it was big enough to fly..."), and evidently it's been re-released and can be purchased. Unfortunately, it still sounds as if the song summarizes the plot. Their web page says, "Eustace was called a useless rabbit by all his friends until one day he did a brave deed and became the Easter Bunny. Learn how." Learn how? Gosh, I wonder if it has something to do with saving a baby bird. I need a drink.