Are you able to kill: An introspection about fear
Am I willing to kill? If you are involved in self preservation or the martial arts for long enough, you will probably ask yourself a variation of that question. Like “Could I kill to save my life?” Or, “Would I kill if my loved ones were in danger?” These questions are hard ones to answer; in fact, one can never truly answer them until faced with the situation. However, I think one has to ask oneself these questions if for no other reason to learn one’s feelings on the matter. Lately I have been plagued by a much harder version of that question, “Could I kill in cold blood?” I worry about both sides of the question. Namely, could I if I needed to and would I if I was driven to it?
I am not concerned so much with could I kill in a moment of passion or in self defense because those are mostly instinctual and beyond my control. What I worry about is killing when my intellect could intervene. As a soldier, this was a question I asked myself frequently. The infantry is the most personal of the combat trades. The pilot thinks in terms of planes shot down or buildings bombed. The tanker thinks of tanks destroyed. Only the infantryman has to look down the barrel of a rifle and see the man he is about to kill.
I should probably mention what has brought upon my introspection of late. My wife is pushing for kids. Now, I love kids and dearly want them but frankly the thought terrifies me. Not for the usual reasons of fear of responsibility, mainly if we have kids I have at least a 50/50 shot at girls. Having a daughter terrifies me.
I know so many women who have been raped by others or beaten up by their boyfriends. The chances are greater than I care to admit that something like this could happen to any daughter I have. Worse yet I know from personal experience how I would react in a situation like that. This was for women who were friends; I can only imagine what dealing with that sort of transgression on my own daughter would do to me.
So lately I have been asking myself, “Do I have the self control to not kill someone like this and let the police handle it?” I also ask myself, “Could I do it? Is that a part of me that could get out?” It is a tough question to ask your self, “Am I capable of murder?”
Now, I don’t want people to think I am some raving psychotic who obsesses with murder. I just think that people need to ask themselves the tough questions. You may ask, “Why? The chances of something like that happening aren’t so great. I will deal with it if it ever happens.” The answer is simple, fear.
Fear is an interesting thing really. It can be a tool, a sixth sense, that helps you prepare for up coming troubles or it can be a paralyzer that can make you freeze when you can least afford it. It can also force you to make bad decisions. Fear of an abstraction is especially dangerous. Fear of a particular cliff is not paralyzing but a fear of heights can be. Similarly, a fear of death or killing can be dangerous.
There have been recorded cases of soldiers freezing on the battlefield, not because they are scared of dying but because they are afraid to kill. Intellectually, not wanting to kill is normal and, frankly, it is best for society to think that way. However, a battlefield or a hostile situation is not the time to find out you are afraid to kill. Not wanting to kill is good but being afraid of it is bad.
I find the best way to confront a fear is to break it down into its component parts. Once you are dealing with specifics it ceases to be an abstraction. Now we can analyze the fear and understand it. Thus the fear becomes manageable, one can work to accept it and work to overcome it. By doing it ahead of time, by asking yourself the tough questions, you have given yourself time to prepare. You are no longer required to deal with a potentially paralyzing fear in a split second.
That was how I began to ask myself the question of whether I was capable of killing in cold blood. I was afraid of having kids. I broke it down and found that I am frightened of not only what could happen to my future daughter but also what my actions would be in such as event. It is a tough question and a hard problem to solve but now that I have identified it I can begin to deal with it. It is one of the reasons for this article.
By asking yourself the tough questions, you prepare yourself for the events which may take place. You can learn more about yourself and what makes you tick. You can learn things about yourself that are retarding your growth in other areas. It is this introspection, early on, which allows the warrior to worry about the war; when it finally comes. It is important to remember that when asking questions of yourself, you must be truthful. Bravado has its place but not to yourself, the same goes for humility. Ask yourself the hard questions, be truthful and answer your inner inquiries. Above all never stop growing.