A Lesson in Confidence

Of all the skills and attributes needed for self defense, nothing is more important than confidence. If you look at the greats in any venue, you will notice one thing in common: A complete and utter confidence in their ability to do what is demanded of them.

Did you ever see the Nike commercial where Michael Jordan relates how he has missed over 9000 shots in his career and missed 26 game winning shot attempts? That is a lot of failure but do you think he ever passed up the ball because he thought he might blow it? No, he always believed that he was capable of scoring each and every time he touched the ball. In 1964, a skinny kid named Cassius Clay fought the perfect specimen of a boxer named Sonny Liston for the world championship of boxing. Not only did he beat this perfect boxer, he beat him handily knocking him out in 7 rounds. Ten years later after being forced to give up his title and with loses to Joe Frasier and Ken Norton (both avenged) Clay, now known as Muhammad Ali, fought George Foreman. Forman was a giant and supposedly unstoppable and most experts considered Ali washed up. Ali knocked Foreman out in 8, a feat never repeated by anyone in any round. Anyone who has seen Ali speak knows that the man is confident almost to the point of arrogance.

This doesn’t just apply to sports. In 1980 Bill Gates sold an operating system (OS) to IBM to run on their new Personal Computer line of individual computers. The only thing was Gates didn’t have an operating system. He was, however, confident that he would get one in time. He found an OS called Quick and Dirty Operating System, or QDOS, and purchased it for 50,000 dollars. MS- DOS was the result and most computers in the world run now Gates’ Windows operating system. Gates became the world’s richest man.  I could go one forever naming people who have faced limitations and whose complete confidence in them selves made those limitations seem trivial. Franklin Roosevelt was a cripple and around World War 2 one of the most powerful men in the world. Beethoven was deaf and one of the world’s greatest musicians. Tyrone “Mugsy” Bogues was 5 feet 3 inches tall yet had a long and successful NBA career. Donald Trump has faced multiple bankruptcies and manages to bounce back to billionaire status every time. If you need more examples read Victoria Cross (the highest medal for bravery in the Commonwealth) or Medal of Honor (the highest medal for bravery in the US) citations. They are full of them.

You may think that these people are different, that they have something you do not. Perhaps it is great skill, in the cases of Jordan and Ali, or perhaps it is business or marketing skills. It is not. There are plenty of skilled people who do not succeed. It is these people’s belief in them selves, their superior confidence that gives them the edge. Look at Jordan; for example, when he entered the NBA he was just another player with a great deal of athleticism. He was not a great shooter, in fact for most of his career he was one of the NBA’s worst career three-point shooters.  Part of the reason his percentage was so low was that he took so many three point shots. He knew that they would go in; it was just a matter of shooting them until they did. By the time Jordan retired (for the final time) he was a shooter, his stunning and acrobatic drives to the basket were mostly a thing of the past. He knew he could still score even though he was old (for a player); he changed his game to suit his mentality.

What if you are not a confident person, does that mean you are doomed to failure?  Of course not, you just have to raise your confidence level up to the level of these great people. A lot of it will come from good, hard training. As in most things there is no reward without the work. All those great athletes are hard workers. I have known a few high level athletes (College Basketball players, Champion Kickboxers, Wrestlers and Mixed Martial artists) and every one of them works extremely hard. The knowledge that you are good at what you do does wonders for the confidence level of most people. However, there are some methods which can shorten the curve a bit and work on the mental aspect while you work on the physical.

When learning anything new there are three main way human beings digest the new information present to them. When you learn visually, you learn by seeing. This can be in the form of reading, pictures or watching the actions of another. If you are an auditory learner, you learn through sound. Normally this is the spoken word. A kinesthetic learner learns by feeling, by moving. His body in the first input for any new information received. There are plenty of books out there which can teach you how to find out which one you are. One key is to watch your speech patterns. Do you say things like, “I see what you are saying.” If so you are a visual learner. Perhaps you say, “I don’t know, I will play it by ear.”  If you talk like that you may be an auditory learner. Ever say, “I have a funny feeling about this.” You probably learn kinesthetically. If you wish to learn more try reading some of Tony Robbins work. 

Since learning which type you are is beyond the scope of this article and that most people learn in more than one way, to some degree or another, the confidence raising exercise we will perform will involve elements of each type. The first thing we need is a picture (visual) that, to you, represents confidence. A photo of one of the individuals above may work for you. For those with artistic leanings, a drawing or painting that represents confidence is an excellent way to cement this new ideal. Next we need something to say (Auditory) either out loud or internally.  This can be something as casual as, “Enough of this. From now on I am confident.” It can also be a more formal declaration. If you are religious, use that to your advantage, ritual is a powerful force and should not be discount. For example, a devout Christian may say to himself, “Lord, by your will, I am confident from this day forth.” Any way you can use that will make it easier to bring this new principle in to your core belief system should be used. However, how you go about it is not as important as what you say. Do not say, “I will try to be more confident.” This implies you are not confident now. You need to state that you are confident as of this moment and I will explain why later. The final ingredient is the kinesthetic step. To this end you need force yourself to stand and move (kinesthetic) like a confident person. Did you ever see Ali staring at the ground, shoulder slumped? No, so why should you move like that if you want to be as confident as he is?

Now that we have all the ingredients together lets perform the exercise. Start by staring at the picture (visual) that represents confidence to you. If you feel comfortable (and you surely will later on) you can picture this in your head. It doesn’t matter as long as you have a clear picture. With this picture in your head, say (auditory) to yourself, your confidence raising phrase. Mine is: “Enough of this. I am confident.” As you say this, adopt the position (kinesthetic) of confident people. Lift that head and chin up, pull those shoulders back and expand your chest. Stride about your day with purpose and move with a sense of poise and assurance. Every time you start to feel a lack of confidence perform this exercise. Tony Robbins, the world’s greatest Self-Help guru, calls this modeling. You are modeling a confident person and in short time you will become what you model. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have confidence, act as if you do and it will follow its course to you naturally.

Being more confident will help you successfully de-escalate situation, preemptively strike with full power and intent, and overcome situations where you behind. It will also project confidence in your body language which will dissuade potential attackers from choosing you as a victim. Most predators do not want to mess with confident people; they want those meek, self conscious people who will give in easily.  Predators will instinctively pick up this confidence in your body language and move on to smaller fish.

It is a simple fact of life that winners and survivors are confident people. So many people who get involved in the martial arts or self defense are hoping that somehow they will get to a certain point where their skill level gives them confidence. In my experience, these types of people fold when pushed beyond their limits. I know from personal experience as I was once one of those people. I was an award winning athlete in school, I made every team I had every tried out for, I never had to work to get decent grades. I thought I could do anything without even trying, based on my previous experiences.

This all changed when I went on my Infantry course in my late teens. Suddenly, I came upon something I couldn’t do well. For me it was shooting. I failed my shooting test and failed the course. I had about two weeks where I was still on the course pending reviews and the difference was like night and day. I fell out of runs, I was sullen and depressed and I screwed up simple things that would never have given me trouble before. It was the turning point in my life.

After about a year of depression, all stemming from this one incident, I made a conscious choice not to be insecure ever again. I follow the same principles (in a less formalized manner) I have expressed above and turned my life around. I went on my infantry course again and passed it with ease. I worked my way up to shooting at the marksmen level. More importantly, failure in and of itself doesn’t bother me any more. I still strive to succeed but I am willing to admit when I am over my head without feeling shame. I can endure criticism without feeling self doubt (a very important attribute if you write in the self defense world). And I know that no matter what challenge I face, I can cope with it. I neither run from things I can conquer nor run at things I don’t have a hope in hell of conquering in order to feel better about myself. I do what I can when I must and that is all that anyone can ever do.