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Thursday, January 22nd, 2009
vs FU FC
(3-1 AWESOME Win!)
Hellloooooooooo Angels! It is I, the Ty, like a fly, he wouldn’t lie, to you or the sky, that he tries, to impress with his tie, that he’s not actually wearing, but it looks really….cool…….
….ah, fuck, I totally lost my rhyme didn’t I?
Regardless, BOYKONOMICS IN DA HIZZZZ-OUUUUUUUUUSSSSE!
Congratulations Angels, we’re back to our winning ways with a 3-1 victory! While we no longer have an undefeated streak, we do have a 4-1-1 record in our last 6 games, and that’s pretty Boykin’ good! It’s time to start a new winning streak, except this time we won’t ruin it by not letting Dean drop a major fart in the changeroom before the game. Clearly this is where we get our strength….it is the sun to our Superman….or maybe it’s the kryptonite?
Whichever doesn’t smell as bad, I guess.
We also are now UNDEFEATED in games where Nadine scores! That’s right, 1-0!
Nadine figured she’d get things started off by scoring on our own net. This was part of her master plan to score the game winning goal for us, when she kicked the ball, two feet away from a wide open net…..the ball didn’t have much zip in it, however. In fact, I think a tortoise passed the ball at one point and said “You one slow mothafuckah!”
Luckily for Nadine (and this of course was also part of her plan), a woman on the opposing team (who I think was pissed off she had just missed the dinner buffet) came and absolutely hammered the ball in to the net……her own net…..
….GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLLL!!!!
Soccer may not be that woman’s forte, but I’m pretty sure they need a new Staypuff for the next Ghostbusters movie, so maybe she could get on that…..
….oh, I’m talking about the chick on the other team by the way, not Nadine. Nadine’s our “Killer Dee”…..even though now she seems to be playing Forward….oh well, maybe now she can be our “Killer Fee”?...ehhh……ideas are welcomed…..
Speaking of interesting behavior from the other team, how about that guy who picked up Lori?.....no, seriously, actually PICKED HER UP cause he wanted to stare at her netherworld regions…. Lori didn’t put up as much of a fight as I thought she would, and she later commented “I hope the ball goes out of play like that again!”
….alright, maybe she was kind of grossed out by it.
This also was the debut of our Angelic God, Glen. I introduced him as God and I am sticking to it, since he just needs a beard to pull off the Jebus look. In the meantime, he’ll just keep stopping whatever comes his way, but girls, really, please stop suggesting nobody play defense cause Glen won’t let anything in. I mean, he clearly isn’t going to let anything in anyway (unless Nadine’s the shooter), but there will be games he doesn’t make, and I don’t want myself or Sonny Boy Hansen having to actually do something back there.
Our next game is next Sunday at 4:10pm, which is, of course, Super Bowl Sunday. The Super Bowl starts at 5:30, so for those of us (Gerald) who actually like watching NFL football, that’s still enough time to quickly change and get out of there with 15-20 minutes to get to where you’re going by kickoff. So for those among us (Gerald) who have been bitching about the game time…. Boyk it up…
..wait, that means “quit everything you have going on in your life at once”…..hm, maybe don’t Boyk it up…..
THE GOOD
- I smelled pretty good on the bench (thanks to Lori and Erin for pointing that out)
- Gerald passed the ball once! Or maybe that was a dream I had last night. Gerald has a beard and wears an Abe Lincoln hat when he plays, right??
- Jenn and Rachelle with some DYNAMITE DEFENSE! Rachelle keeps getting better every game and is nothing short of solid back there, and Jenn showed strides of improvement from the game before. You both did awesome!
- Yavis admitting his goal/shot was a super big fluke. Honesty is always the best possibility… unless we’re talking about cheating or something….
THE BAD
- Yavis’ goal.
THE UGLY
- Glen probably can’t make next game. This will force Hansen and I to engage in a staring contest to decide who has to go in net. Note: Staring contest could be replaced by all-day drinking contest and whoever can’t stand by 4:10pm has to go in net.
That does it for this Boyk….. Uhhh, do ye got any Papes????
I have one, coming up!
GO GET ‘EM JENN!
Thank you Mr. Boyko for yet another opportunity to share my take on our last game (although I’m seriously considering charging for these services as it is taking VALUABLE time away from my studies/creeperbooking).
I don’t know about the rest of you crazy fools, but I must say that this last game was pretty freaking fun!!! We should always play teams who have no subs and a bunch of shitty girls!
SooooOoOoOoooOOoooOoo since Boyko seems to have written an assload of random drivel, I’m going to make this short and sweet (I’m sure most of you have stopped reading paragraphs ago anyway).
The Good:
- WINNING OF COURSE!!!
- Boyko’s pre-game lessons on defence that helped Nadine and I figure out how “defensive positioning” prevents the other team from scoring on us (unfortunately he forgot to mention the part about not scoring on ourselves –ohhhhhhhh Nadine, I’m glad you’re such a good sport- we love you!)
The Bad:
- We probably should have scored a few more goals, but who’s counting. Oh wait, I’m counting. How the hell did we ONLY score 3 goals?! That team was fucking terrible!
- Once again, Shawna was absent because of her “Girl Guides”, I mean really?! Girl, you better get your ass to our next game because I REFUSE to write one of these things again!
The Ugly:
- Well, since Devon Mymko wasn’t there to brutalize one of the weakest female players on the opposing team, apparently Pat felt the need to assume this role. However, our new friend Pat decided to really step it up and take things to the next level; not only did he take her right out, but then he proceeded to wrap up the entire ordeal with a little plain old, Kevin Coyne style molestation. It was priceless and I think everyone can agree that Pat is lucky he didn’t get shanked- that girl looked pretty tough.
So that wraps it up for the Highlights a la Pape section of this column. Looking forward to seeing you ALL (that means you too Gerald) at our next game. GO ANGELS!!!
Thursday, January 15th, 2009
vs Lame Ducks
(4-2 FUN Loss!)
Helllllllo ANGELS....and WELCOME TO.....SOCCER....IS.....BOYYYYYKOOOOOOO!!!!!
Are you ready to chase down some midgets and beat them with a wet
noodle?? I hope so, cause I'm already beating you by three midgets!
Time to catch up, Angels!
Our four game undefeated streak has unfortunately come to an end, but
we didn't go down without a fight!......well, we sorta did. We had
enough people there to make a go at it, but were missing some key
ingredients and had people playing positions for the first time ever,
so to lose 4-2 I would say isn't the end of the world.
Or is it?
I'm going to argue that it is the end of the world, and we should all
be afraid, very afraid. Luckily I have a cubbard full of canned ham
and pretzels to last me through the end of the world.
What do you have? Memories of a 4-2 soccer loss, that's what.
(entry into my cubbard of goodness will cost you each 2 kisses -- no
boys allowed)
In case anybody's noticed, I'm trying my best not to mention the
actual game, since that would involve me going insane and yelling at
everyone. But hey, I don't do that anymore. I'm a changed man! It's
all about FUN! And it's FUN TO LOSE, RIGHT DEIDRE???
"EVERYBODY LIKES LOSING!" - Deidre
DEIDRE SANTOS WANTS US TO LOSE!!!! Somebody call a Nurse!.....possibly Deidre...
Patty-boy Hansen did a bang-up job in goal, especially considering
that was his first game of soccer ever. Made some nice saves and can't
be faulted on any of the goals, since when you leave a guy to fend for
himself against 3 players at once, chances are he isn't going to wind
up able to do much.
I can safely say we have the most depth at goaltending now than any
team I've played on. Now we..just....need to work on team defense.
I could sit here and go on and on about defensive positioning, but
really, it can't be explained over a website. One thing we have to
start doing, though, is having our forwards get back more. Especially
the girls who play on the wings. They don't have to come all the way
back, but they need to at least be covering the other team's defense.
Our centers (guys) should be playing at the top of the box in both
ends, hence why I ideally want 3 guys at center (since it's a lot of
running). Obviously last game we only had two, and one of them was
Devon (arguably in about as good of shape as I am in) so they did the
best they could. It's unfair for one person to hear 30 things from 6
different people, cause they don't know who to listen to and wind up
zoning out of what's going on on the field. It's true that our defense
needs to sometimes move up more, but last game they were up far too
much, even in our own end.
I realize part of the problem with communication is me, 100%. I need
to talk more during games, I'll work on that. I'm just used to being
on the Soviets, where nobody listened to anybody, so it's nice of you
to look at me for some sort of organization (although I'm not sure how
good my advice really is).
Saying all this here is kind of pointless though, it needs to be said
in person, on the field before a game. So we'll do
that.....mmmmmBoyko....
That team was horrendous and if we have something closer to a regular
turnout we would destroy them probably 8-0. It was nice of Deer Lodge
to let them out past their 5pm bedtimes though.
THE GOOD
- I have nicknamed Nadine "Killer Dee", because she plays Dee-fense
and her nick name is "Dee"-aner.....and she's a killer. I also happen
to be a big fan of the BumbleBee from the Simpsons.... I am very witty
and clever.
- Pat 'Sonny Boy' Hansen's performance in net wins him the TY BOYKO OF
THE GAME AWARD! This award is fictional and has no monetary value. It
also implies you have a really gay haircut.
THE BAD
- Shawna's excuse for not coming to the game. Seriously Shawna,
nobody's gone to a girl guide meeting since 1978. We all know it's a
front for your secret porn ring.....and we want in.....
THE UGLY
- Everybody's reactions to my not playing due to an insufferable case
of advanced, life threatening turf toe. I'm sorry if you guys don't
appreciate the fact that my type of turf toe could end my life if I
played any soccer. Truly I am. Maybe I should have played and then you
all could have come and peed on my coffin too. Sort of like how Janice
always pees in Alan's coffee.
That's it for me, and this week I actually have a female co-reporter!
YAY! We all know PAPE'IN AIN'T EASY, but I know one certain Jennifer
who makes it look simple!
WHO'S PAPE'IN??!
JENN IS!
Go get em babe!!
Well well, where to start???
I must begin by saying that I am very grateful to be on such a wonderful team- where you can suck at soccer and people are still nice to you (to your face). I thank you all for baring with me as I feebly attempt to find a position that I’m not terrible at. I’m not sure defence is my calling, but I really did enjoy counting the bruises on my body the next day.
So now for a little friendly commentary on our “FUN loss” to a bunch of geriatrics.
To tell you guys the truth, I don’t know what happened out there. I mean, at first their team looked half descent, running around, doing all these fancy “stretches” and “warm ups”… and then as they got a little closer, and my eyes were able to focus on the sea of grey hair and wrinkles, I notice how old they were. Seriously- I’m pretty sure I saw a few canes and walkers at their bench. How did we lose to these people?!?! *Sigh*… I don’t know if I’m ever going to get over this one… Anyway, enough whining… here goes the good, the bad and the UGLY!
The Good: Our team’s patience and ability to put on a happy face and pretend we all had fun losing to the team officially renamed as “The Team with a Thousand Wrinkles”. Also, props to Janice for coming out and playing hard, despite Alan’s obvious sex injury (“torn hip” or something sexy like that- you sure you shouldn’t be playing for the other team there Alan?)
The Bad: Well basically the entire game fits into this category, but I would love to point out the state of my cardiovascular health as particularly suitable for a nomination here.
The Ugly: I’ve been waiting ever since reading Ty’s portion of this review to bring this one up. I think some serious attention needs to be paid to the UGLIEST moment of the game and quite possibly our entire season thus far- Mymko’s BRUTAL kick that ended up directly in the face of a frail old woman on the other team. The sound that soccer ball made as it impacted her face will be with me forever. Thank you for that Devon- “somebody” needs to learn how to keep his balls out of old ladies’ faces. I mean seriously.
Also worth mentioning, Gerald's one and only pathetic goal. Yeah, thanks for showing up there Gerry. GOOD JOB. Way to come through for your team.
Here’s hoping our next game goes better. Peace out and GO ANGELS!!!
Sunday, December 21st, 2008
vs Kicking Donkeys
(2-1 AWESOME Win!)
Good day Angels!....good DAY I say!
I have come to the conclusion that nobody reads any of these, so I can
pretty much say whatever I want and it will not affect anybody's
opinion of me since, as mentioned above, nobody reads this…
…for if you DID read it, surely you would come up to me on a routine
basis, slap me on the back and say I MUST SAY, TYRONE BOYKO, TALLY-HO
OF A JOB THERE MATE! TALLY-HO! SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE AT NOON, I SAY I
SAY! FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW….
Am I using tally-ho in correct context? Most likely not, but it's 7:30
in the morning, I'm writing this from work, I thought I saw a walking
tree yesterday after a 12 hour zombie-shift, annnnd none of you read
this anyways, so go fuck yourselv---erm, wait….team of emotional,
sensitive girls here as opposed to jerky, obnoxious Soviet guys…..what
I meant to say is:
Flowers, rainbows and sunshine stripes, you are all the swellest folks
I've ever met!
Teehee!
Soooo….guess I should mention the game here at some point…
We won 2-1, which ended our 2008 campaign on a high note! Our
undefeated streak now sits at 4 games! 3 wins and a tie! Jolly good!
I will not lie, I did not expect to win a single game…..I guess
scoring a goal was inevitable, but to win 3 times? Unheard of! Well
done Angels, you put the spiffy back in…spiffytaculous.
2009 brings with it 12 more games, the "real season" (playoffs), and
some fresh faces. Gone are Big Bendozer (or, Benjamin Zinn as his
parents call him) and our sweet, loveable Browntown herself, Lana!
In addition, Coyne seems to have finally clued in to the fact that his
season is over (which I told him two months ago) so he probably won't
be returning either. Yes yes, Coyne, I know, you're going nuts and
will shove a 12 inch metal dildo up my ass. Just accept the sidelines
until next year.
In their stead, Dean will continue to come, Devon will be coming for
Lana (since the guy/girl numbers were off before), and Glen (the
goalie for the Red Army who is twice as good as me) will be replacing
Ben and be in net. I will return to defense, where I intend to yell at
Shawna….a lot.
In addition, Donny Jacks and everybody's favorite Rugby player (well,
alright, the only one besides Cole I can tolerate) Pat Hansen will be
spar'ing for us on the guys side when it's needed. Hansen will be our
third string goalie as well…..I just felt like saying we had a third
string goalie.
Deidre and Lori will remain as our girl spares.
Now that the roster is sorted out…..let's move on.
THE GOOD
- We won!
THE BAD
- Everybody's lack of love for my control of the shots off the boards
and holding onto rebounds, which made the game "boring"….come on
people, the most boring goalies are the ones doing it right! I know
you wanna see me flopping around like a pancake, twisting in 30
directions, but I much prefer it how it was this game.
THE UGLY
- As Gerald felt the need to point out (the old Soviet mentality in
him), my throwing percentage was off at this game. 1 for 5. I'm sure I
could make a joke about the Minnesota Vikings, but apparently they're
making the playoffs this year? In conclusion, I apologize to Gerald
for only throwing him one goal-scoring pass.
- Most anything Ben did. Yes, this includes his goal…ESPECIALLY his
goal…oh, Ben, who am I kidding…. I'm going to miss you :( Your
departure to me is like George W. Bush's departure to Late Night
Television hosts….
This is where I would normally turn it over to my female counterpart, but apparently I don’t have one for this game, cause girls hate it when I’m too awesome. I need some consistency around here, dammit!
Saturday, December 13th, 2008
vs Indoor Soccer Team
(2-2 Intriguing Tie)
Hellooooooooo my darling Angels! Yes, even you Yavis.
I'd say we can be pretty pleased with ourselves after that one! We went upstairs, had a few drinks and then kept getting drunk!
….oh, we also tied the actual game. I guess I should mention the game too.
We squeaked the tie out, coming back to tie it twice with not much time left in either half. One could say that team was better than us.
Well, one could also say that my pubic hair when joined with Coyne's anal hair creates a sexual explosion that gives all women within a six foot radius a mind blowing orgasm.
One could say a lot of things….my point is….uh….I did have one, hold on, the above scenario gave me a massive boner….oh, right…
All that matters is we got the point!
For once we played a team I didn't hate. Having said that, I still hit one of their guys in the face….very much on purpose.
But, he was too good for this league, so I felt the need to compliment him about his soccer skillz…..with the tip of my elbow….
Gerald continues his Reign of Terror in the Co-ed Rec B Division. He is now tied for the lead league in goals! How he finds the time to score goals in addition to webbing around the city fighting Goblins is beyond me, but my goodness gracious, it's impressive.
Oh, I feel the need to give Melissa a warm fuzzy since she's always giving them out. Melissa, your Facebook profile pictures are always really, really hot. And you're awesome at drinking.
Good talk.
THE GOOD
- We have now put together a three game undefeated streak!! This is much better for the team than the streak of farts Dean shot off before the game in the change room.
- Dean's new uniform, which I'm sure Melissa is now happy she didn't write "I SUCK AT SOCCER!!!!!!" on before giving it to him.
- How cute Princess Erin looks when she goes for a jog beside the ball as opposed to something silly like attempting to kick it. That Angel wouldn't swat a fly, let alone kick something!
- Rachelle's reading of the play and clearing the ball. It reminds me of a young Blair Henderson…..wait, Rachelle hasn't pulled a gun from her shinpad and shot anybody dead on the field yet….nevermind.
THE BAD
- Ben didn't continue his goal scoring streak. (Note: If Ben had scored, this would be under a new category called The Hideous, since that's what the goal would have been!)
- The laundry list of excuses over half the team had for missing the game. A concert? A sweater party? A weekend trip to Thompson? Come on, THOMPSON?! Really Lana? YOU went to THOMPSON? The only people I feel sorry for more than visitors of Thompson are the residents!…sheesh….
You were all at the TYC dancing to the new hit CD Groove Station 6, don't lie. It's OK, I don't mind, I just wish I had been invited is all. Groove Station 6 is a soothing blend of all the mixmaster beats of the past year, featuring hits by Britney Spears and….Britney Spears.
(Groove Station 6 now available in Canada)
THE UGLY
- Dean's pre-game shenanigans, which has now earned him the nickname Gassy Shenanigans. If you're confused as to what I'm talking about, go into change room #15 and take a whiff….the odor is still there, and it…is…UGLY.
- Everybody's reaction to my awesome jock strap show. You were all ugly….except you Coyne, you were pretty cool with it. *pound*
That's it for me, over to my lovely and very ticklish girlfriend, Shawna! If you tickle Shawna before next game I'll give the best tickler even more awesome Boyko Bombs!
(sorry Melissa, that's not a shot, I mean tossing the ball down field)
First we should thank our social convener Melissa for her awesome pre-game party as well as her gentle pushing to get Dean into a pink shirt! Not sure if any other girl would have convinced him to do that let alone say he will wear it again next game! I also have to announce to those of you who couldn't bother to show up to the game because you don't consider the Angels your top priority, a girl knocked Ben on his ass, lets say that again because I know you won't believe it, A GIRL KNOCKED BEN ON HIS ASS. I was so shocked I almost congratulated her since that was certainly a first!
The Good
- Not losing! We could get used to this feeling. When we were down one near then end I thought our winning streak was over. We were down on people and getting tired but we held it together! A big hooray to Gerry for pulling out that last goal (well both goals really) to tie it up!
- All of us looking super sexy in our new uniforms (I didn't get to see it last week so I had to mention it this week)
- Our little Timbit has graduated. Rachelle stayed on her feet! Most of all Rachelle's instincts on who to cover and where people were going was bang on!
- Overall everyone continues to improve. Deidre's ball handling is just getting better and Erin's confidence it rising. Lori is always where she should be (not a big surprise). Oh yeah Boyko had some great saves too.
The Bad
- Running each position on 1 spare! It was rough but we were troopers and pulled through.
- Jenn's near missed goal. I sure thought that sucker was going to get in there but leave it to a lefty to use their right foot and mess everything up ;) I know it was heartbreaking!
The Ugly
- Ok there is no way we can't mention Dean in the change room dropping bombs! Toxic nuclear bombs. Next time save them for out on the field when someone is trying to get passed you. If that doesn't stop people like frog man I don't know what will.
Lana, you were missed by not just us but one of the guys asked where Browntown was. I told him it's MRS Browntown to you, he came up with some lame excuse about being married too and they just think all our names are awesome. I told him our names are awesome but we all know he was missing you because you are so hot and he finally agreed. Even other teams miss you dear, you better come home often! We expect you to wear your uniform on game days, working or not in solidarity.
Sunday, December 7th, 2008
vs RDB
(6-1 AWESOME Win!)
Hello Angels! Who would have thought we would be here, together again on your computer reading what I've wrote, discussing ANOTHER ANGELS VICTORY!?
HOW VERY EXCITING!!! THIS REQUIRES ME TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS TO ILLUSTRATE MY ENTHUSIASM FOR THIS VICTORY!
EXCLAMATION MARKS
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I must say, Angels, I am very impressed. Not as impressed as I was when Shawna showed me what she meant when she asked me "Trick, or.... Trick?" at our Halloween post-party in her bedroom, but.... impressed nevertheless.
I used to say that I loved it most when my brutal soccer teams would beat teams of 'real' soccer players, to make them see how gay soccer really is when a bunch of alcoholic assholes who had no real idea what to do could beat them at their 'sport'...
....but now I'm starting to prefer it when my brutal soccer teams beat teams of 'real' and 'shitty' BITCHES!
Holy shit, did that team we just played all meet eachother at an "Addicted to PMS" group session or something?
Anyway, a stellar game all around yet again. RDB (or as I call them, Really Disgusting Bitches) have yet to win a game, while we have now won TWO!
SUCK ONNNNNNNNNNNN THAT!
Huge game by Gerry of course, who scored 4 goals. Yavis and Ben completed our scoring, Ben scoring yet another "How the fuck did that go in?" goal, which has become his specialty. When he leaves in January I've estimated that our fluke goals will decrease significantly, by 110%, so we'll have to find someone else to really, really awkwardly score goals.
But yes, great job Angels! Short handed no less! We've now won two more games than I thought we would, which means I owe everybody on this team a super passionate kiss on the lips.
....alright Coyne, let's get this over with....
Another big story to discuss is the impact our new pink uniforms had on our victory....but, I will let our guest "She Said" writer, Jenn Pape discuss that!
Over to you, Jennybean!
Alright ladies and gentlemen... I would like to begin this little commentary by thanking our beloved team captain, Mr. Tyrone Boyko, for this tremendous opportunity to address you all. I would also like to point out that this clearly exhibits that, aside from Shawna, I am his favourite Angel. Boooya!
So on to the soccer game. I think we can now say that we have truly found our momentum- and you know what? I believe in those pink shirts. How hot did we look?! I mean seriously, we may not be The Best, but we are definitely The Sexiest! And THAT is what really counts. Like I tell Gerald before every game, as he questions why I'm doing my hair and putting on makeup to go to soccer, it's a big responsibility being an Angel- and I think it's safe to say we are all really rising to the challenge!
Now for some props, poo-poos and…. well, unfortunately I can’t seem to think of a word for “funny stories” that starts with a P.
Obviously we have to thank my superstar boyfriend for coming out and kicking some serious ass. Sadly, he was unable to “cash in” (yeah you know what I’m talking about *wink*wink*) on those 4 goals and one assist after the game, but I’m sure he’s looking forward to his passionate kiss from Boyko when he returns from Toronto tomorrow.
And now that I think about it, holy crap, talk about talent!!! BOYKO was stopping those balls left and right- it’s almost like having balls flying at his head is second nature to the man! He never even flinched!!! Hmmmmmmmmm I don’t know whether to be proud or a little concerned… Either way I think we all need to recognize that had say, myself or… I don’t know, Coyne for example, been in net- things would have gone preeeeetty differently! ;)
Others deserving of a little recognition would include Nadine, Sarah, Yavis, Melissa, Browntown, Princess, Rachelle (our hot little Timbit), and Ben (sure hope I didn’t miss anybody)!!! Way to go team!!!
The poo-poos undoubtedly go out to all those winey old ladies and the yippy little goalie on the other team. For a bunch of people who couldn’t seem to control the amount of “dishing it out”, learn to take it once in a while!!! And I’m pretty sure Ben was on his best behaviour, so what the hell were they complaining about anyway?!
And now the hilarious. Ohhhhhhhh where to begin? Let’s make a list:
- RDB’s “scoring ability”
- How much the ref loved our pink shirts
- Melissa’s back talk (“Watch your mouth!” for all those who missed it)
- The only yellow card of the game going to a little girl who then stood on the bench staring down Gerald for “elbowing” her
I could just go on and on, but I’m going to stop here. It’s been a blast walking down memory lane with you all. Until Saturday,
Keep Fit and Have Fun!!!
Tuesday, November 25th, 2008
vs Bud Light
(7-2 AWESOME Win!)
Hi everybody I’m Shawna Armstrong, I can’t type up a game summary cause I have a job and I suck, blah blah blah I’m Shawna Armstrong, look at my last name I’m Shawna Armstrong, I’m so great cause I’m Shawna Armstrong.
Now over to my amazing boyfriend who is truly the greatest person in the history of the planet, Ty Boyko. He is without a doubt the reason I like butter on everything I eat these days, cause I luvs me mys butter cause of Ty Boyko. You know what I imagine it is?
Boyko Spunk.
(Disclaimer: The above may have not been written by Shawna Armstrong)
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ARE THE CHAAAAAMPIOOOONS.....my FRIEEENNNNNN-ENNNNNDSSSSS.....
And WEEEEEEEE'LL KEEP ON FIIIIIIIGHTINNNGGG....TIL THE ENNNNND.....
WEEEE-....what?......what?!?
....oh, we only won one game? Wait a minute, so that's NOT a championship?
My bad. It's been so long since I've tasted the delicious glory of victory that I forgot one win doesn't equal a trophy.
All in all a great effort for our first victory of the year.
THE GOOD
- Uh....we won?
- We've now won one more game than I was expecting to.
- Sarah scored! Sarah has now won two free tickets to 'Boyko Circus', which is a concert of me singing/dancing to all of Britney Spear's songs from her new hit CD, 'Circus'!
THE BAD
- My 'Boyko Circus' concert reviews.
THE UGLY
- Most of Ben's goals. A hat trick? Are you kidding? I love you Ben, but how the hell do these shots keep going in? Oh well....
Huge game on defense by Alan.
"Boyko, I can't play defense cause I'm no good at marking"
Hey, hey Alan....got any more bald faced lies you wanna tell me?
How about...
"Hey Boyko, did you know the sun is actually my mother? That's how much of a star I am!
OK, bad example. I think that one might actually be a fact.
How bout...
"Boyko, I just won a 100 meter race!"
Yeah, there we go....nice try, you little bastard. Fool me once, shame on you.....fool me......uh....I won't be fooled again!
Sunday, November 16th, 2008
vs Real United FC
(7-2 FUN Loss)
Ok gee what can one say after that game?! Ummm ahhhh well.... okay that is pretty much it. Yep, all I can say. So I should try and come up with something?!
I would just like to say thanks to the scorekeeper for reminding us every time we got to 4 fouls, that was nice of him. Now only if we thank the ref for anything, like a fair call here or there, guess that is too much to ask!
So let's do this a little backwards today:
The Ugly: Ummm almost every call that ref made, or didn't make in most cases.
The Bad: Almost getting used to playing with only 4 players allowed on the field!
The Good: I checked the standings and “The Real United FC” is no longer in our league! We don't have to play those assholes again!
The AWESOME: Although I still don't quite understand the piggyback, really Ben that was just beyond words! I wish we had that on video, that is youtube most watched material for sure.
The rest of the game is just a big RED blur to be honest. I remember comments like “what the fuck was that?”, “Oh you mean we can have FIVE people on the field? we are so used to only having four!” and “Is this what it feels like to play on Red Army???” only difference of course being that we were only yelling at the other team and the ref instead of the other team, the ref, and each other! So good job ladies and gentlemen, even when things got super frustrating we still didn't get mad at each other! Although if in only 4 games we went from super nice, apologizing for any misstep to screaming at the ref and throwing girls to the ground we are dangerously close to starting to hate each other! Well, it was great while it lasted!
Hello Angels. How are you?
That's grand. I'm glad to hear you're having so much fun. What was your favorite part of last game?
....oh, REALLY? There were too many to choose from? Isn't that so very exciting. Could you possibly narrow it down a bit for my simple yet sophisticated mind?
...wow, Benjamin Zinn gave someone a piggy back ride after attempting to knee them in the groin? Talk about a sudden change of heart.
OK, what else happened?
....Rachelle hip checked a guy in to the boards and looked sexually satisfied when she came back up? Oh my. If Rachelle wants to turn hip checking into a 'night time game', Blair might have to wear protection.....ie: football pads, a helmet, steel toed boots, an Egyptian wand....pixie dust....the first four pages of the June 2006 edition of Macleans.....a wallet, skinned from dead Hindu war heroes.....you know, typical camping gear.
OK, OK, so what else happened? That had to be it....RIGHT?
...NO?
.....DEAN BEAT UP A GIRL?
.....ohhh, I see. He didn't beat up a girl. He just ran towards the ball, didn't like the fact an object (in this case, a fully grown human female) was in his path, so he did what any gentleman would do: pick her up by both shoulders, lift her from the ground, and toss her aside like Courtney Love tosses aside advice from her conscience.
I don't see a pr---wait, wait....
Is that a MIDGET I see on Dancing with the Stars? Is anybody else watching this, as I type it 6 days before any of you read it? IS ANYBODY WATCHING THIS?
IT'S A MIDGET, DANCING WITH A NORMAL PERSON!
I haven't been this turned off television since I heard John Ritter was going to 'star' in a new TV show called "Three's Company, Unless One's DEAD!"
.....what, too soon?
Anyway.
So, sorry to interrupt you. Nothing else happened last game, right? Cause that sounds fucking crazy as it is, surely nothing else could have happened that would indicate someone on the team is insane....right?
......
.........
...........Shawna did WHAT?! .... she sent him flying THROUGH THE AIR?!....
Wow.
Just... Wow.
Very interesting game. This is where I'm tempted to go off on a mean, anger filled rant since we lost. But I'm not going to. Nope. Not gonna do it, cause that would be counter-productive. And I'm all about being productive-...productive.
So, I will instead list off all the things I thought we did well.....
.....annnd.......so......well......we, uhh......
.....has anybody watched Dancing with the Stars lately?.....
Sunday, November 9th, 2008
vs Bud Light
(4-3 FUN Loss)
Gooood eeeevening, ladies and gentle-man.....WE ARE....tonight's entertain...ment....
I hope we play that team 16 more times, cause two things would then happen:
1) We might actually win a game.
2) I'd lay out that douchebag 32 more times.
(based on an average of laying him out twice a game)
I would have to say we deserved to win that game. A couple errors in our own end (not Ben's fault, he's still learning the pipes) lead to a couple flukey goals for them, and let's all try not to remember my end to end rush that resulted in a beautiful shot....off the post.....son...of....a....I'm gonna fucking stab a knife, that's what I'm gonna do.
Breath....in....out.....everybody hits the post.....don't let it bother you that you actually shot the ball properly, meanwhile Coyne toed the ball (yet again) and it somehow went into the top right corner from an impossible angle.....no....don't let that bother you....
.....breath......in......out.........
One thing's for certain: we won't be moving down (potentially due to the fact that we can't go any lower than we are already), and neither will that team. We'll play them again, at least two more times. I bet by then we'll be much more improved and will kick their ass!
....or at the very least, I'll take out every single player on their team.
Am I starting to sound like Ben? Did me and Ben just switch roles or something?
Not. Good.
Once again we scored 3 goals, and this time we only let in 4. 6-0, 8-3, 4-3....we're making progress! Based on this math, we should tie our next game 6-6.
You heard it here first!
I'm really trying to be funny right now but can't seem to be unless I absolutely tear down someone else's self esteem.....hmm...does this make me not a good person?
How about some dead baby jokes?
Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?
A: I take off my shoes when I jump on a trampoline.
HEYOOOO!!
....annnd over to you, Shawna!
Wow Boyko, someone drank a little too much red bull today ;)
I think we have a lot we can be proud of last game.
We should all give Ben a big round of applause, with the amount of alcohol that man consumed the night before it is amazing he was still able to goal tend without puking everywhere! All kidding aside Ben did a great job in net. The first half was a bit rough with Ben adjusting to his new position but once he got comfortable it was all good. He also didn't let the frustrations of the first half carry over to the second. Poor Sarah was trying and trying and trying to score that winning goal but she just couldn't pull it off. Your day will come, hopefully next game! Lana's first game was awesome, great ball handling! Erin did great on forward, it was quite cute to see her and Coyne working together to get the ball up field, kudos to Coyne for that one pass where he could have carried the ball up himself, instead he gave it to Erin to give her a chance at a goal. I want to go on and say something nice about each and every one of you, since it is easy to find good stuff you did last game but then this would be called warm and fuzzies.
It was a close loss, we played our hearts out and I truly feel if that one guy wasn't on that team we could have won! I have a suggestion, maybe this is my competitive side showing (ooops not supposed to have on this team) but we need to come up with a scheme to keep him out of our next game against them. Someone leave a banana on the steps just as he walks by?? Somehow get him to be the last one in the change room and put Boyko's lock on their door “by accident”? Come on people, we need to get on this! Or I guess we could just try and get better at soccer??? Ok yeah the banana is our best shot.
So Boyko didn't give any words of wisdom on what we can work on so here is my best attempt, maybe Lori should be writing this part. Shift changes went a lot better this game but now we have to work on our on the field communication. There were times when the ball was coming close to two people either both went for it or no one went for it because they weren't sure what the other person was doing. We need to call the ball more. One more thing and some of this is stamina (or our lack of) there were quite a few times where defense was left with just Rachelle or I back. There are times when defense has a chance to take the ball up but then someone on forward needs to start to fall for cover, especially when we have that asshole cherry picking and not caring if he takes out girls (oh wait is that what it feels like to play against Ben?)
Our t-shirts are on the way, I say time to order the pink socks to match! Boys, that means you too, I know Devon is on board!
Oh yeah, Dean, just in case you think you got away with not ordering a pink t-shirt, Walmart does sell dye in almost the same color and us gals are planning on making a special shirt just for you! Any preference on your number??? (notice how I didn't ask him what name he wanted)
Tuesday, October 28th, 2008
vs Vagabonds
(8-3 FUN Loss)
The Good - A big congrats to our west wing today! On Jenn's inaugural game she hammered in a sweet goal. I did check that glass on the way out and yes Jenn, I saw that fracture you left behind! After a disappointing near miss last week Melissa really came through tonight with our third goal! Cole was seen wiping a tear from his eye as Melissa turned to the bench in victory. We can't forget our first goal which certainly jump started our confidence for our second game, way to go Alan! Who would believe that at half time we were actually winning! If games were only 25 minutes I am sure we would win a few. The entire team improved greatly from last week. Lori's lesson on Sunday had a great impact for those of us who were at the practice. There was some good trapping, we actually ball handled, and kicks were not just more powerful but more accurate too. I even saw a few attempts at a chest bump (Lori would be proud). Everyone did well in their assigned positions, our line changes went A LOT smoother tonight. There was a lot less confusion on the bench. There was also some great communication on the field between players.
The Bad - There wasn't really a lot of bad, just things we need to work on. The consensus on the bench was some people need to shorten their shifts. There were quite a few times where people were out on the field looking tired but not changing off. Tonight we had almost a full roster and a lot of people were itching on the bench for a chance to get out there fresh. It is easy to loose track of time on the field but we need to try to stick to 3 minutes max. There were times when a few players took some longer shifts at the same time and the line out was not playing well together and we lost ground, fast. But since we are just out there to have fun it is nothing to get too hyper about.
The Ugly - I am disappointed that Coyne seems to be on his best behavior. I have been preparing myself for an onslaught of lewd comments and the occasional random grope but much to my dismay Coyne has just not delivered! I know Boyko had to take Coyne in order to get Erin but we were all willing to put up with him as long as we all got some action from him. I know it was the only reason Ben agreed to play for us. I am beginning to think that all the stories I have heard about Coyne are just folklore, much like unicorns and centaurs.
I would like to nominate Rachelle Morissette for an Angel Award! After injuring herself she went back out on the field to give it a try. She played to the end of her shift, making it to the final buzzer. Although she limped off the field at the end, while the clock was running she played hard even though you could tell she was in pain. I am sure right now she is still feeling the pain (and probably even more so tomorrow) but we have a nice break before our next game so hopefully she will be well rested and in better shape by then.
HELLO Angels! MmmmmBoyko here.
I must say, when I originally came up with the team name ‘We Won’t Score’, it wasn’t meant as a joke. It was quite serious. Deadly serious. I had no intentions of this team ever scoring a goal, let alone 3.
But, the powers that be (ie: girls) told me how the team name was too negative a message, and how if I named the team after myself it would be a lot better of an idea. I was reluctant at first, but I wound up going through with it, and am happy to report that my name is the sole reason we scored 3 goals on Tuesday.
WhooooOOOOOOOOAAAAAA Boyko!
(think ‘Whoa Bundy’, but a lot better and sexier)
Unfortunately my name only scores goals, it doesn’t play defense or goalie. So we wound up getting scored on 8 times and lost the game.
THE GOOD
- We uh...we scored....THREE times....anybody else still having to let that sit in?
- Ben in net.
- Coyne out.
THE BAD
- We lost.
- Ben out.
- Coyne in net.
THE UGLY
- Team defense in the second half.
- Ben and Dean’s 5 minute “Shift from Hell”, featuring Coyne in net and 4 goals scored against.
Alright, someone stop me here if I’m being too negative....no? OK, I’ll keep going.
Just kidding, I won’t. In all seriousness, I truly never thought we’d score more than one, MAYBE two goals a game if the other goalie has Downs (which he may have in this case, since he didn’t like Melissa’s jokes)
So for us to score three goals....WHOO!
Good stuff Angels, you’ve narrowly surpassed my ridiculously low expectations!
(note that the above is all very tongue-in-cheek, as is my Boyko sense of humor in all matters....the only parts above that I meant were the ones about Ben!)
(note that Ben will now murder me after he murders Spud for not letting him on the Red Army, so this may be my final column)
Sunday, October 19th, 2008
vs Duston Checks In
(6-0 FUN Loss)
Hello Angels! Boyko here.
This is our introductory column, "He Said, She Said" .... basically me and Shawna will alternate each week, writing a game recap, and then the other will respond/add their thoughts. I, of course, will go first.
I am writing this rather quickly since I have to get the website up for you lovely folks, so forgive me if it isn't too good. I promise next game it will be top notch and will tickle your toes, only the way Boyko words can!
I must say, I was impressed! Coming in to this game I was really expecting us to be absolutely HORRENDOUS, and I'm pleased to say we were only slightly above BRUTAL!
And that's a compliment! "I'd buy that for a dollar" .... me too, creepy Robocop gameshow host guy ... and why wouldn'tcha?
Great job, people! As I said I'm writing this quickly, so will have a better recap up next week.
THE GOOD
- This is by far the sexiest group of people I've ever played soccer with.
- You all are paying me very quickly and promptly. I appreciate that! And I'll appreciate it from those who haven't paid yet, when they pay ;)
- Everybody played hard and tried their best. I didn't see any lazy people out there!....besides me.
THE BAD
- No man-gina? Coyne, why did I even ask you to play if you can't try enticing the women on the team to a snatch-off?
THE UGLY
- That comment above.
Over to you, Shawna!
Wow ok, where do I start. I guess first by asking how did I get roped into writing this? Oh yeah Boyko made me.
I'd like to start by saying we did pretty darn good. I am sure there were times Blair was looking down at us thinking we were a bunch of crazy idiots running around in circles but at least we were having fun!
After the big practise on Sunday I am sure we will be even more confident and maybe even do a little better :O
The Good
- NO yelling and NO fights, just as promised!
- Everyone was very postive, cheering each other on when we did good stuff or even when we didn't
The Bad
- Not enough pink
- Not enough tight fitting tops to distract the guys on the other team!
- I too am a little sad the man-gina didn't show although I am sure Erin wasn't (Mel, Nadine and Janice make sure to ask Coyne to show you, you are in for a treat!).
oh yeah and Not enough pink!
The Ugly
- HELLO WE ARE HOT! There is NO ugly here!
Go ANGELs!
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