Comment: The following is a
small collection of e-mails from a good friend,
Christian Stuhr. It relates some of his thought and unorthodox adventures.
Some of his letters are also in "e-mail Letters Page" on the homepage.
Also, you will find some of his comments on the e-mail responses of
other pages on my website. Enjoy,
Hi Hooge --
I have a good friend Hank. He is a fellow Humanist, at age 64 fully a decade my senior.
His brother, Pete (age 71), is DEAD as of last Friday, and Hank is the closest
surviving family member.
Now comes the problem of disposing of the remains.
Hanks method of choice is cremation. The nearest crematorium is in Moose Jaw,
175 km east of here. But guess what? They will accept a body only if it comes from
a funeral parlor or a church. The former is expensive; the latter is grossly out of tune
with everyone's belief system. Now, as it happens, some time ago I had myself
ordained (for free by mail-order) in California's Ministry of Salvation Church.
You may even have seen my article on this adventure in Humanist in Canada!
Soooo -- you can see it coming, can't you -- later this morning
The Reverend Christian Stuhr shall accompany his parishioner to the Moose Jaw
facility. I have a black outfit especially for the occasion, and can't wait
to see if we can pull it off!
Kind regards,
Chris
christian.stuhr@shaw.ca
Funeral (continued):
(2) Could you help me with some difficult issues on sexism in the Bible... There
must be ways of neutralizing these difficulties using other bible verses.
I say unto you, EVERYTHING IS SUBJECT TO PROPER INTERPRETATION.
The closer an interpretation comes to meeting my needs of the moment, the higher
is its degree of propriety.
> tell me, what is the address so that I can also become an ordained
> minister for free. Are there any internet web sites that will do this
> by filling out an e-form? -- snail mail takes too long and you have to
> pay for a stamp-- you never know I may have to suddenly use it,
> especially to save money.
I received God's call back in 1992 from the Ministry of Salvation Church, Inc.,
659-D Third Avenue, CHULA VISTA, CA, 92010. It came to me in a strange way,
but then it is well known that the Lord works in mysterious ways. My teenage kids
brought home a supermarket tabloid, and in the classified ads at the back I found
a listing for "Religion". Some offered ordination for five or ten bucks, others
for free.
MiniSal was a freebie. They did send me an application and urged me to buy the
laminated certificate or the larger version suitable for framing. But I insisted on the
free one, and in the end they sent it to me.
I became aware of its uses when I took it to a local print shop to have it laminated.
The proprietor didn't know me, but when I offered to pay the two bucks he normally
charges, he waved me off: "Oh, it's free to the clergy." RIGHT! I accepted his
gift
and took my future business elsewhere.
I'll be damned if I subsidize clerical frauds like, well, me.
Since then, I have used my credential mainly at the University of Regina, where parking
is highly restricted. I have found that if I leave the certificate on the dash with a
handwritten note saying "CLERGY -- ON CALL" I can park all day.
Nobody wants to ticket God's car. But for the last two years I have had an official
handicapped parking permit, so I don't have to do that any more.
I have also discovered that some hotels will offer clerical discounts.
Whether or not MiniSal is still in operation in Chula Vista I cannot say.
These outfits come and go. I haven't seen them on the 'Net, but check the tabloids
for current listings. You may have to persist to get the free certificate. Also, my
best friend was turned down flatly by one denomination. This was not because
Gus is a dog (a fine Cocker Spaniel, but they didn't know this),
but because "We only ordain Americans".
And oh, yes -- the funeral went well. I shall probably report on it in some
future issue of HiC.
Kind regards,
The Rev
Related to the Funeral:
Hooge:
Welcome back. The J. Roy. Astro. Soc. Can. is the Journal of the Royal Astronomical
Society of Canada. Since they accept contributions from the likes of me, they
are not nearly as prestigious as their name suggests.
The chief primate occupying my attention has been the Anglican Bishop of Saskatchewan,
whose lawyer has threatened to sue me for my literary creation:
Christian Stuhr, Bishop of Saskatchewan in the Ministry of Salvation Church.
He (bish@minisal.ca) aroused his (the Anglican primate's) ire because of an article
I wrote earlier this year for FreeLance, a publication of the Saskatchewan Writers
Guild. But my libel lawyer -- by the Grace of God an Anglican himself -- tells me
not to worry. This is just as well, since the MiniSal ecclesiastic is due to rise
again later this year in Transition, a Saskatchewan publication of the
Canadian Mental Health Association.
Incidentally, my Anglican counterpart tells me that he has exclusive rights to the
title
"Bishop of Saskatchewan" under an Ordinance of the Parliament dating back to the
1880s. Impressive indeed! But I got my title from God himself. Let him prove me
wrong if he can. This is the first time that I see the potential for some good
coming out of that nonsense of writing the "Supremacy of God" into
our constitutional documents.
I shall fax you my draft account of my first cremation service tonight at 8 p.m. your
time.
If you haven't got your computer in a fax-receptive mood then, I shall try again
tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. your time.
P.S. I resisted the temptation that for "Mike", at least, this was the last
time
the question was asked: "Will that be smoking, or non-smoking?" Be that as
it may, we think he would have agreed with the choice of a cremation
over an earth burial! (For what it is worth, I have let it be known that
I wish my body to be donated to the Department of Anatomy at the U. of SK.)
Christian Stuhr
christian.stuhr@shaw.ca
By the way, I am with you when you describe yourself as a "religious
Humanist".
Not in the sense that I wish to involve the supernatural in either explaining the world
or in providing moral guidance. Those are things we, as humans, must work out
ourselves. But my Humanism takes very much the place of traditional religion,
in that it gives a framework (albeit a natural one) within which we can come
toward some tentative answers.
I also understand that this point of view is a minority position within the HAC,
but I can live with this. My commonalties with those who deny any religious
element in Humanism are greater than the differences.
Now about self-defense measures. I actually enjoy talking to JWs (much to
Lesley's horror) and have even succeeded in getting them to accept some
Humanist literature from me. Of course you and I agree that this is only fair,
but I was astonished when I won their grudging agreement on this point!
Here is a technique I use on telephone solicitors. I listen to them for a short time.
Then ask, "Have you been Saved for Jesus?" And, since I have no shame,
I do not let them divert me from this theme. I have had very gratifying results
on the phone with this. Haven't tried it at the door, though.
Regards to you & your clan,
Chris
Hooge:
You know that you are calling down a Chinese curse on me when you write,
> Hope you live in interesting times...
I don't think I told you about our latest adventure of this kind. It involved our
Co-op.
A couple of months ago, our water heater went. (I refuse to call it a hot water heater,
because it heats cold water. Then its thermostat shuts the thing off.)
Anyway, Lesley had it replaced by our Co-op plumbing & heating people.
She paid some of the bill up front, and put the balance ($200) on charge.
So when I got our monthly statement for September, I expected to see a
bottom line of $200 owing -- which we would then pay off shortly, without
incurring undue interest (interest undue? -- whatever).
Imagine my surprise when the bottom line read -- $6,800. But that was followed
by a pleasant note: "DO NOT PAY. THIS IS A CREDIT BALANCE."
"Why don't you let me handle this," I suggested to our family's financial
guardian.
She agreed. And so, on a fine Monday morning, I waltzed into the Co-op office.
I like Monday mornings because if the clerks are a bit hung over, they may not
be as vigilant as normally.
"We seem to have acquired a rather large credit balance," I said to the
Pretty
Young Thing at the counter. "I'd like to settle this today."
She looked at the statement. Her eyes widened. "How did you ever get such
a large credit balance?"
"Frugality," I explained with a straight face. "With the Holidays just
three shopping
months away, we have been very thrifty. So why don't you just make me out a
cheque in this amount, and we'll be even.
Then I can get started on our Christmas shopping."
Alas, it was not to be. A Supervisor was called in. A computer check revealed that
a deposit of $7,000 made by a farmer had been misdirected to our account.
We all had a good laugh, though.
I hope that you and your family enjoy you Thanksgiving turkey. Sad to say,
there is no turkey for us. This riding elected a Reform MP, and our turkey
went to Ottawa. (Thanksgiving in Canada is held on the second Monday in October).
Chris
Hooge:
Have you considered advertising your services as a GOD-GIFTED PSYCHIC?
The supermarket tabloids are full of these ads!
I am a long-time fan of libraries. I worked as a page at the Cornell University
graduate library when I was a student; most recently, I served a term on the
Swift Current Library Board. I often order from interlibrary loan, which in this
province works quite efficiently -- if you know what you want.
So on Saturday, I asked the library clerk on duty if she know of any way to access
library catalogues on-line. (Our local library is just now getting into this.)
She did not, but promised to find out for me.
Then, on Sunday, came you e-mail. Unless this is a coincidence fit only for the
Journal of Unreproducible Results, you may have something here...
So much for the serious stuff; now for the trivia. You ask:
> I know a word of letters three. Add two, and fewer there will be. > What is the word?
'Six' meets the specifications, since "sixth" is clearly fewer. Also, the word "few".
Chris
Good morning, Hooge --
1. You wrote about my experience at the Co-op,
> At least you get a credit!
I don't think I ever told you about my adventure at our credit union.
Again, this is a true story.
Some time ago, I was informed that I was incredibly lucky. I was a finalist in a
contest,
and stood to win $10,295. All I had to do to collect was to authorize some trivial
purchase and be drawn as the winning number. I get these things all the time,
and probably you do too.
This one was better than the average, though. Enclosed was a "facsimile" of
my winning
cheque, made out to me by name. It was quite realistic! The only warning was
in very small print at the bottom: "Not negotiable. This is not a cheque."
After discussing this with my consultant, I deposited the thing (along with a real
cheque and some cash) in an ATM on a Sunday afternoon -- again on the
Monday-morning hangover theory.
But it didn't work. An alert teller spotted it right away, and gave me an indignant
call.
At that point I was glad that my aforementioned consultant had been a vice president
of the CU! He and I both thought that using such cheque look-alikes should be
outlawed. It seems that many elderly people are taken in by them. The VP promised
me that no action would be taken in case a hapless teller let the thing slip through.
I ended up writing a series of columns about this and sent them to my MLA
and my MP. But nothing was done. The only difference is that all the tellers
at the CU now look at me kinda funny, like...
Chris