Although we don't want to avoid the topic in conversation we felt it was important to share our story with all of you at once, for the telling is difficult. Thank you all for your thoughts at this time. They mean a lot to Marko and I. This is what happened.

On Thursday we went for our 33 week doctor's appointment.  Marko and I were a little concerned as we had not felt the baby move the night before and mentioned it to our doctor. She immediately got out the doppler and sure enough we heard a strong heartbeat.  Relief set on our faces and all seemed well.  We continued the appointment and then she mentioned that she would like us to go for a non-stress test ( a test used to monitor the babies heartbeat for patterns over time) just to ease our minds and make sure everything was perfect.  We agreed and an hour later found ourselves at women's hospital with a machine hooked up to my tummy. It took only 15 minutes for our world to change.  You see the heartbeat was steady and showed no fluctuation, we quickly learned that this was not good.  A specialist came in and hurried us into the ultrasound room.  There were 5 people in the room, everyone with a worried look on their face, one of them on the phone with someone, presumably another doctor and we heard them say "this baby has to come out today".  I quickly shouted "what is going on?" and then he realized that in all his anxiety he had not explained to us what was happening.  He showed us the heart and said there appears to be fluid here and we feel that it is imperative we get the baby out and try to help it outside.  I was rushed to admitting.

The baby was too weak for induction and so I began preparation for a caesarean section. While I waited I must have seen every kind of specialist known to babies.  They would introduce themselves and talk but I couldn't hear or understand most of it.  Marko and I just looked at each other in shock.  Some said it could simply be a placenta problem, a problem that could be fixed when the baby is born. Others weren't saying much, and by the look on their face we knew something was up.  1 1/2 hours after coming for our non-stress test I was lying in the operating room prepped.

As many of you know, I had been convinced that we were having a boy, as much as I hoped for a girl, throughout my entire pregnancy.  Marko always said I was wrong, he was sure it was a girl.  At 6:32pm we found out when we met our daughter Maia. Upon delivery she was attended to by a small army of specialists and Marko was called over to meet her.  The news wasn't good. She had several small, but telling signs of a problem.  Her ears were placed slightly lower than normal, one hand had 6 fingers, her feet were not straight. Marko came back around the side of the table and he was crying, it wasn't the same tears he had a moment before when he declared "it's a girl" and in that instance I knew.  It was only a minute later that they wheeled her over to me and asked if I would like to touch her, I was so scared and my hands wouldn't stop shaking.  I timidly reached over and lightly touched the bottom of her foot.

It would be another hour before they allowed us to go into the special care nursery. It was the longest hour of our lives. When we got there I was wheeled into a room and given our fate. Maia had trisomy 13, a rare chromosomal condition that is caused from an extra chromosome 13.  It causes profound internal problems, a small brain that doesn't separate into lobes, enlarged heart, spinal cord problems as well as many others.  She was on a ventilator and we were faced with the inevitable decision. To us it was already made.

I can't adequately describe the way it feels, the fear of holding her knowing that I will only be letting her go, the shock taking away all sense of reason and leaving you staring blankly at something your body can't comprehend.  I know that it will stand solidly as the hardest moment of my entire life.  To me she was perfect in everyway.  She had my little nose and her dad's eyes and feet.  Her head was full of dark curly hair.  She was everything we had dreamed about. The ventilator was turned off, and we held her until she passed from us at 10:57pm.  My Mom and two brothers were there and together we let go of Maia, this new and precious member of our family.