Our home was rather stressful when I was a kid. My parents frequently threatened to divorce (though they never did) and fought loudly and fairly frequently. My mother often threatened to send my sister and me to the Children's Aid or to commit suicide if we didn't behave and my dad occasionally went overboard with the corporal punishment when he lost his temper. My mother also often expressed disgust at his rather clumsy advances. Overall, though, I don't know whether this was all that much worse than many other people's upbringing. At least we were never hungry, though I would say most of the time we were clinging rather precariously to the bottom rungs of the middle class. The most noteworthy thing about my childhood was that we moved around a lot. I attended nine schools in my first nine years of school. As a consequence I was constantly bullied as the "new kid", and on a few occasions around grade six sexually abused by more aggressive boys (ironically given the goings-on in our home, my parents drilled non-violence into me very strongly, which made me an easy mark). I have one sister (younger than me). I started to crossdress frequently about grade eight, although I can remember identifying more with women and wanting to be one well before that. I have vague memories of playing with women's things (shoes, etc.) as a very small child, but I can't place when exactly that was. I do remember seeing a couple of my uncles visiting from the UK dress in drag as a joke using a tight-fitting burgundy tuque as a wig, and then using that same tuque the same way myself. I can also remember telling a teacher in class around grade three or four that I wanted to be a tailor when I grew up because I liked sewing doll clothes (not that I was good at it), and being criticized by my teacher for being too emotional for a boy about grade five.

In the early days I hoped wearing women's undergarments would somehow force my body to grow into the right shape. I even fashioned a cupless "bra" out of twisted-up J-Cloths and wore it under my shirt to try to make my body grow breasts (before I start a run on J-Cloths across the country, let me add that it didn't work) and wore my belt ridiculously tight in order to force my body into an hourglass shape. For years I always dressed in secret, borrowing my mother's clothes when she wasn't at home or my sister's if she was out--or even just asleep! I wished constantly that somehow I would wake up one day and I'd be a woman. I even prayed that aliens would come and take me away and return me as a woman. This is a little strange since I'm not religious and don't believe in aliens, but I guess desperation makes us do strange things.

When I went away to university at first I shared a room in residence like most frosh, but crossdressed even when my room-mate was asleep. I kept my stash of clothes, including the first wig I ever had (a blonde page boy picked up on impulse at a sidewalk sale for $10) in a secret but very awkward nook inside the desk/chest of drawers that separated the two halves of the room to avoid detection if anybody got nosy and opened my drawers. Later I got my own room and even ventured outside a few times under cover of night. I purged once during this period out of fear of discovery. I was living in a residence run by Jesuits, so I guess they might not have approved! (I'm not Catholic, but they had the best rooms.)

By the early 1980s I was living in downtown Toronto and had quite a few clothes. During my three years there I found a short-lived store that catered to TVs near Yonge and Wellesley but was unable to screw up the courage to go in. I also heard about the gender clinic in Toronto and walked past it innumerable times, but again couldn't get up the courage to go in. Then I moved to the Thorncliffe Park area. I started to work on makeup then and began venturing out in the daytime, including a few visits to the mall across the road and strolls through the park through which the Don Valley Parkway runs. Although my heart pounded each time, nothing ever happened during these forays. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised to have doors opened for me on occasion. In retrospect I find that even more surprising since my makeup was awful and the wig I had didn't really suit me at all.

While in Toronto I had the only close relationship I ever had with a woman. I think she was rather surprised at my lack of aggressiveness in pursuing sex (she eventually initiated it). I was always more interested in just exploring the type of body I wanted to have myself than actually getting to the "act". We broke up when I had to move to Vancouver to continue my education. I was quite upset at the time, but I knew it was for the best. I doubt she would have accepted my other side, and I think somehow I knew that sooner or later I would have to change my life. I have been celibate ever since (that was 1986).

My years in Vancouver saw me just continue to do as I had done in Toronto: dress in secret with occasional expeditions out in public. I never spoke to another soul about it, though.

When I finished my studies in 1990 I moved to Calgary. The next summer I spent most of my time en femme both at home and outside. I tried some electrolysis on my chest with a 9-volt battery-operated home galvanic machine I got from Sears for C$29.95. It actually did work, though it was extremely painful, time-consuming and messy and left some scars. (I did some more a couple of years later, and both areas are still clear today). I tried contacting the gender clinics in Toronto and Vancouver, but they said they only dealt with residents of their provinces. Inwardly I knew by then, I think, that I would have to pursue SRS, but tried to put it out of my mind because of the apparent lack of access to facilities and the fact that physically I am far from an ideal candidate due to my size (6'4") and hair growth patterns (too much on the face and body and not enough on the head!). I suppose I was also hoping against hope for a medical breakthrough like a brain transplant, however improbable that may seem to anyone with medical training.

After a couple of years of continuing the pattern I had established in Toronto, I decided I had to take a further step. I was spending a lot of money on clothes and wigs by mail order and was often disappointed, but too shy to send stuff back. This resulted in a lot of wasted dollars without achieving the look I wanted. I decided I had to try and find a store that would cater to people like me (I knew there had been one in New York City). I needed to get better wigs, some custom-made clothes, and advice on make-up.

I went to an adult video shop and found two Canadian magazines of sex-oriented personals. I figured if such stores existed in Canada, they would probably advertise in such media. I opened the magazines up and "Eureka!". Two hits: a store called Wildside in Toronto and a "club" in Calgary called Illusions (what such a club might be, I had no idea--it had never even occurred to me that such a thing might exist!).

I had to go to Toronto on business, so I arranged to take an extra day and go to the Wildside shop. That way, if the whole experience turned out to be a disaster, at least it would be two thousand miles away. I was unbelievably nervous when I phoned them, but managed to make an appointment for a make-up lesson on my birthday. I screwed up my courage after walking past the place about a dozen times, went in, and found what I had been looking for. The lady who ran the shop (Patti) was very nice and she was the first person I ever told about my crossdressing. I also met another customer/member of their club, who was the first other CD I had ever met (she looked a lot like Bette Midler and reminded me of pictures of my grandmother when she was in her 30s). I spent a fortune, not all of it very wisely, and I subsequently found that not all of the makeup tips I got were all that helpful, but at last Teri had been born! How fitting that it was on my birthday, too.

Anyway, on my return to Calgary, I looked up the Illusions Club. Again I faced the heart-racing chore of opening that door to the unknown. Eventually I got up the nerve and went in. Barbie showed me around and I signed up. I also found out about her retail outlet and custom tailoring services. It seemed OK, but I still had a bad case of nerves. I knew there were other people who crossdressed but still thought I was the only normal one who did!

In July, 1993 I attended one of the last socials before the summer break. To my surprise, it was a very low-key, relaxed gathering. One of the members, Diane, went out of her way to talk to me and make me feel welcome, so it went much better than I expected.

I still thought I would just attend a few meetings to find out the information I needed, and then go back to my solitary life (I had never been much of a joiner), but the more I attended, the more I got to know and like the people. I started working on the Social Committee started by the club's Empress IV Lisa, and soon became a regular.

After the socials we would often go out to a few safe bars. This was quite a change for me since I had never been a bar person: I don't drink or smoke, and tended to associate bars with drunken brawls. Anyway, it was a good thing I did go, because shortly before Christmas, 1994 I was in the Midnight Café, one of our haunts, and won a door prize--a facial by Ty Morgan, a makeup artist about whom I had heard a lot of rave reviews but whom I had never been able to track down.

I met Ty to take advantage of the prize and eventually got him to give me some makeup lessons. What a difference knowledge and experience makes! (Ty is also a professional drag performer and former Empress in the Court scene.) He also put me in touch with someone (Jami) who could style wigs. Now I was finally starting to make some real progress in my feminization! I went for a photo shoot at Photography by Alexis and the result was the first photo I was ever really pleased with of myself en femme.

A year later I had another shoot done and got a lot of great photos. Ty did my makeup again and this time he had enough experience with my face that he really surpassed himself. I was so relieved to see the face that emerged that I could hardly stop looking in the mirror!

Those photo shoots did a lot to build my confidence. I decided to run for Empress of our club, and to warm up for the stage performance part began to appear on stage occasionally at the Midnight Café. In retrospect I was pretty awful at first, but I gradually became more comfortable on stage. I won the election, and became Empress V of Illusions (1995-1996). I did a few more stage performances and eventually found a niche I felt comfortable with doing old bar songs full of double entendres in a humourous vein. Being Empress was an enormous amount of work, but also very rewarding. I tried both to build the Club by organizing lots of social activities and to make it better known by being interviewed on radio and TV, and by particpating in human rights activities in the gay community such as the Pride Parade (I've marched in this four times, twice in drab and twice en femme). The TV interview was a hoot. A freelance reporter for the CBC came to do a segment on the club after talking with me. We arranged to have him made over as a woman, and it went so well he actually went home en femme to show his wife how cute he looked (he resembled Winona Judd).

The photos also came in handy when I told others. I decided I would tell my family and friends. To my surprise, all of them accepted it fine. I attribute this to several factors. For one thing, I had good relationships with everyone I told. This made it hard for them to reject me even if they weren't keen on the idea in the abstract. Second, I began the discussion by showing my favorite photos and explaining that they were of me. This alleviated the second natural reaction, which is to think of crossdressing as laughable--the old image of the hairy-chested guy in fishnet stockings, high heels and a bra stuffed with grapefruit.

My Dad's reaction was just plain surprise--at first he thought the pictures must be of a new girlfriend. My stepmother, whom I hardly knew at the time, was very warm and accepting (my mom had died several years before). She even asked for copies of the pictures, which they display in their home. My sister, who's a nurse, had a lot of questions, and my aunt, I think, was actually relieved that I wasn't as boring as she had always thought. The best reaction, though, came from my brother-in-law. I was a little worried about telling him, since he comes from a very conservative rural upbringing and is big on hunting, fishing and all that macho stuff. Anyway, during my usual Christmas visit I had had my sister kind of sound him out a little ahead of time and she seemed to think he was ready. He was laying on the chesterfield looking away from me when I passed him a picture and said it was me. There was a long pause and then he replied, "Well, I guess that's twice as many things I can get you for Christmas!"

After I was done being Empress, I ended up telling the people in my department at work as well as my boss because I was going to be attending a social event on campus and thought news might get back to them. Everyone took it well, and the news never did get back to them anyway (I had wanted them to hear it from the horse's mouth, though, and not in some distorted rumour version). I did discover, though, that one of my colleagues already knew. He had heard my radio interview and recognized my voice--even though it was broadcast at quarter to seven on a Wednesday morning, hardly prime time!

Towards the end of 1997 it became apparent to me that I could not just continue crossdressing--I needed to make a more permanent transition. I dabbled with a little electrolysis and laser hair removal (which I found ineffective for me, at least) in November, and after finally finding someone I felt comfortable with, resolved to start electrolysis in earnest in 1998. To pick up the story from there, see the page with the latest progress in my pursuit of GRS! grs.htm

Return to Teri's home page: http://members.shaw.ca/tallteri