Definition of Abuse and Survivor Pages

What is Abuse

The New Webster's dictionary defines abuse as: to turn from the proper use, to ill-use; to deceive; to vilify; to violate. Abuse comes in many forms and it can be repeated in our every day lives when we are aware of it or not. The definitions below came from a wonderful book called Child Abuse Prevention Handbook which was written by Evelyn Ruddy and Judi Fairholm. Judi is the Program Trainer for Child Abuse Prevention Program for Adolescents at the Canadian Red Cross, BC/Yukon Division. Other information comes from The Sexual Assault Crisis Center in Knoxville, TN

What is Child Abuse?

"Child abuse is any form of physical, emotional and/or sexual mistreatment or lack of care which causes injury or emotional damage to a child" under the age of 19 as per laws in the United States and Canada. Child abuse is a very serious problem in every society because of its hidden, tolerated, discounted and denied aspects that has existed for centuries. The abuse may be passed down generation to generation unless the vicious cycle stops. Alcohol and/or drug abuse may or may not play an important factor. Child abuse belongs under the heading of family violence.

What is Emotional Abuse?

"Emotional abuse is a pattern of destructive behaviour and/or verbal attacks by an adult on a child's development of self-esteem." There are many types of emotional abuse. Some of them are as follows:

• "Rejecting: responding to a child's need for love, affection and support in hurtful and destructive ways."
  

• "Terrorizing: causing a child to be terrified or extremely frightened by constant use of threats and/or intimidating behaviour."
  

• "Ignoring: failing to give any response to or interact with the child at all."
  

• "Isolating: shutting a child away from family members and friends."
  

• "Exploiting/Adultifying: using a child for the adult's advantage and/or profit - giving a child adult responsibilities far greater than children of that age can handle."
  

• "Corrupting: encouraging a child to do things that are illegal, anti-social and harmful to themselves."
  

We really need to realize that no parents are ultimately perfect. Parents do make mistakes in how they treat their children especially the things that we regret doing because we might be tired, angry or stressed. But when those occasional incidents become more frequent, intense and long-lasting, the effects on children can be so severely traumatizing. Most survivors rather be physically abused then emotionally abused because the emotional pain is so everlasting and painful.

What is Physical Abuse?

"Physical abuse is any physical force or action which results, or could result in non-accidental injury to a child; it exceeds that which could be considered reasonable discipline. Children are beaten, kicked, punched, thrown, smothered, burned, dropped and hit with objects - often in the name of discipline." Unfortunately many children die from physical abuse. I know that many survivors including myself have gone through much of the physical abuse in the name of discipline and religion whether the child was in the right or wrong. Many times when there is major crisis situations in the family, physical abuse can result to the spouse and the children.

What is Physical Neglect?

"Physical neglect is a the failure of the caregivers to provide for the child's basic needs - food, clothing, adequate shelter, supervision and medical care, to such an extent that the child's health, development and safety is threatened." Abandonment and rejection can also be forms of neglect. Neglectful parents and caregivers can be found in every socioeconomic level of society with the emphasis on poverty and mental illness. Neglect occurs when parents or caregivers choose not to provide adequately for the child.

What is Sexual Abuse?

"Sexual abuse occurs when an older child, an adolescent or an adult uses a younger child for his/her sexual stimulation or gratification. In some cases the abuser may be the same age or younger but has more power and misuses it. There are two distinct types of sexual abuse:

• Non Touching
• Touching.

What is Incest?

"Incest is sexual abuse within the immediate or the extended family."

What is Ritual Abuse?

"Ritual abuse is a combination of severe emotional, physical, sexual and spiritual abuse used with symbols, ceremonies and/or group activities that have a religious, supernatural or magical meaning. The abuse is repeated over time with the purpose to terrorize, silence and indoctrinate the victims." Ritual abuse is something we think as unthinkable and unbelievable because of the horrors that survivors have went through as children. Ritual abuse can happen in the home, the church, the daycare center, the school, and the private places such as the barns, the garages and in the basements. The abusers always have some sort of a belief system that places a value in violence and harm to the children. Programming, torture, drugs and pornography normally play a role in the abuse. Animals and other forms of objects also play a role in creating the desire affect for the abusers to get what they want or desire from the children.

Signs of Sexual Abuse

The following are general behavior changes that may occur in children who have been sexually abused:

• Physical complaints
• Fear or dislike of certain people or places
• Sleep disturbances
• Headaches
• School problems
• Withdrawal from family, friends, or usual activities
• Excessive bathing or poor hygiene
• Return to younger, more babyish behavior
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Discipline problems
• Running away
• Eating disorders
• Passive or overly pleasing behavior
• Delinquent acts
• Low self-esteem
• Self-destructive behavior
• Hostility or aggression
• Drug or alcohol problems
• Sexual activity or pregnancy at an early age
• Suicide attempts
• Copying adult sexual behavior
• Persistent sexual play with other children, themselves, toys or pets
• Displaying sexual knowledge, through language or behavior, that is beyond what is normal for their age
• Unexplained pain, swelling, bleeding or irritation of the mouth, genital or anal area; urinary infections; sexually transmitted diseases
• Hints, indirect comments or statements about the abuse

The Silent Problem

• are too young to put what has happened into words
• were threatened or bribed by the abuser to keep the abuse a secret
• feel confused by the attention and feelings accompanying the abuse
• are afraid no one will believe them
• blame themselves or believe the abuse is punishment for being "bad"
• feel too ashamed or embarrassed to tell
• worry about getting into trouble or getting a loved one into trouble

Feelings

• Fear
  • of the abuser
  • of causing trouble
  • of losing adults important to them
  • of being taken away from home
  • of being "different"
• Anger
  • at the abuser
  • at other adults around them who did not protect them
  • at themselves (feeling as if they caused trouble)
• Isolation
  • because "something is wrong with me"
  • because they feel alone in their experience
  • because they have trouble talking about the abuse
• Sadness
  • about having something taken from them
  • about losing a part of themselves
  • about growing up too fast
  • about being betrayed by someone they trusted
• Guilt
  • for not being able to stop the abuse
  • for believing they "consented" to the abuse
  • for "telling"--if they told
  • for keeping the secret--if they did not tell
• Shame
  • about being involved in the experience
  • about their bodies' response to the abuse
• Confusion
  • because they may still love the abuser
  • because their feelings change all the time

Protecting Children

We can provide personal safety information to children in a matter- of-fact way, with other routine safety discussions about fire, water, health, etc. Although even the best educated child cannot always avoid sexual abuse, children who are well prepared will be more likely to tell you if abuse has occurred. This is a child's best defense. In order to protect children, teach them:

• to feel good about themselves and know they are loved, valued and deserve to be safe
• the difference between safe and unsafe touches
• the proper names for all body parts, so they will be able to communicate clearly
• that safety rules apply to all adults, not just strangers
• that their bodies belong to them and nobody has the right to touch them or hurt them
• that they can say "no" to requests that make them feel uncomfortable--even from a close relative or family friend
• to report to you if any adult asks them to keep a secret
• that some adults have problems
• that they can rely on you to believe and protect them if they tell you about abuse
• that they are not bad or to blame for sexual abuse
• to tell a trusted adult about abuse even if they are afraid of what may happen

Listening to Children

Do:

• Keep calm. It is important to remember that you are not angry with the child, but at what happened. Children can mistakenly interpret anger or disgust as directed towards them.
• Believe the child. In most circumstances children do not lie about sexual abuse.
• Give positive messages such as "I know you couldn't help it," or "I'm proud of you for telling."
• Explain to the child that he or she is not to blame for what happened.
• Listen to and answer the child's questions honestly.
• Respect the child's privacy. Be careful not to discuss the abuse in front of people who do not need to know what happened.
• Be Responsible. Report the incident to the Department of Human Services.* They can help protect the child's safety and provide resources for further help.
• Arrange a medical exam. It can reassure you that there has been no permanent physical damage and may verify important evidence.
• Get help. Get competent professional counseling, even if it's only for a short time.
• Call the sexual assault crisis center nearest you.

Bibliography

Ruddy, E and Fairholm, J: Child Abuse Prevention Handbook Copyright by the Vancouver Police Union Charitable Foundation, 1996

Other information comes from The Sexual Assault Crisis Center in Knoxville, TN Copyright 1996 - 2002

Abuse Survivors Healing

Blain Nelson's Abuse Pages
Rather than simply pondering the rather nebulous question of "Am I or am I not in an abusive relationship?" it is often helpful to look at some specific questions that can bring the abuse to light more subtly by getting past the minimizing, rationalizing, and justifying. Worth checking this page out.

River Crossing

Transformations
Live Support for abuse survivors, PTSD, and Recovery groups including medical, mental health and 12 Step topics, information and more!