THE BLAME GAME When you stop blaming the other person for what’s wrong in a relationship, it’s easier to start pointing the finger at yourself. But the key to success is to find a third position, where you take responsibility for your share of the problems in a constructive and caring way. Here is a guide:
	BLAMING THE OTHER	BLAMING YOURSELF	TAKING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY
What you tell yourself.	“He is such a jerk” “It’s all her fault.” “She has no right to feel that way. ”	“It’s all my fault. I’m no good. Things are hopeless.”	“I’ll try to identify the errors I’ve made so I can learn from them and take steps to help resolve the conflict.”
How you feel.	Angry, resentful, irritated, frustrated, hurt.	Guilty, ashamed, inferior, anxious, hopeless.	Conscientious, curious, (mixed with a healthy sadness and concern) and, if appropriate, remorseful.
How you communicate.	You argue, insisting he or she is wrong.	You withdraw and refuse to engage your partner.	You listen and try to find some truth in your partner’s point of view. You share your feelings with tact and respect.
What this leads to.	Endless fighting, bitterness.	Isolation, depression, loneliness.	Resolution of conflict, greater intimacy, trust, satisfaction.

Adapted from Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work, by David Burns, MD. Copyright David Burns, 2008. Published by Broadway Books, division of Random House, Inc.

Source: Ophra’s Magazine, Jan. 2009