THE COMPASS OF SHAME

THE COMPASS OF SHAME

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Understanding how we can work with uncomfortable feeling and having opportunity to express and talk about those feelings is important in developing and maintaining healthy friendships and relationshi= ps. An uncomfortable feel that is often experienced or associated with making mistakes is shame. Donald Nathanson, a psycholo= gist, has named four possible ways we respond negatively to shameful feelings. He also suggests that our experience of shame is linked to some situation where there is an interruption of our positive feelings. He calls his model the Compass of Shame.

T= HE COMPASS OF SHAME

(adapted from D. Nathanson, (1992) Shame and Pride.)=

WITHDRAWAL:

-isolating oneself

-running and hiding

ATTACK OTHER:

-‘turning the tables’=

-blaming the victim

-lashing out, verbally or physically

ATTACK SELF:

-self put down

-masochism

AVOIDANCE:

-denial

-abusing drugs & alcohol

-distraction through thrill seeking

Let’s look at an example to help us think = about these four positions. Imagine you’re in a Math class and you’re doing very well in this class and you’re enjoying your successes in t= he class. You raise your hand in response to most of the question the teacher asks in class. Recently, the teacher has not been giving you the chance to answer a= ny of his/her questions. Likely he/she is hoping to challenge other students; knowing you are mastering the material in this class.

By using the “compass of shame” we c= an explore possible responses you might have in this situation. We might imagi= ne that your positive feeling about the class might start to change into a more negative frame. We could imagine that you would likely stop raising your ha= nd (withdrawal) or might lash out by ridiculing other students (attack other). Some students in this situation might even start misbehaving (avoidance/distraction through a little “thrill” seeking).=

Some positive way we can deal with shame, uncomfortable feelings and challenging situations are: to talk about it, let others know our feelings in the situation (express our feelings in appropri= ate ways), to admit and apologize if we have made a mistake, and to make amends. These behaviours would be examples of how people behave in the WITH quadrant. To use these behaviours we would have high expectation of ourselves and be open to support from ourselves and others.

Writing assignment #1: In our “math class” example, list = some collaborative or WITH behaviour you might use to work with this challenging situation.