SOB Jokes of the Week!

(Stories wanted ... email them in ... Mad Dog would love this!)

EINSTEIN - CLICK HERE!

CRAFT DAY AT THE SENIOR CENTER

This photo was taken in a Senior Center in Plymouth, Michigan. The course was "How to Prevent Alzheimer's."

The Project of the Day was "To keep your mind working, try to create something from memory."

WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY ...

• Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
• Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
• Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
• Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
• Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
• Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
• Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

WOMEN ... A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,sexy, seductive and invincible ....

No wait ... Sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit!

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A case in point: a customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Newfy sausage?"

The shop assistant asks, "Are you from Newfoundland?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Newfy sausage, why did you ask me if I'm from Newfoundland?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Hardware."

I would like to share an experience with you all about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ... I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and I don't know where the hell I got it!

It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

WHOOPS! ... CLICK HERE

An old Irishman goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99."

The old guy obeys and says, "99".

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."

Again, the old guy says, "99."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say 99."

The old guy begins, "One .... Two ... Three ..."

Why does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb? One to change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.

The book "Understanding Women" has finally arrived in book stores ... the abridged version.

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organised alrrready, the fluers, the chuch, the carrrs, the rrreception, the rrrrings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"A've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white."

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was "No!"

By now I was starting to smile and so asked "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered "No!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv goat tae be fukin' deid."

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye ....

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Goondiwindi almost three years ago, right to the paddock where she slept in the feedlot at Bony Mountain? And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

On the occasion of their 60th Wedding Anniversary the wife suggested to her husband that they have breakfast in the nude just like they did when they were first married.

He agreed that that would be a fun idea.

As they sat eating their breakfast the wife said, "I want you to know dear, that these tits are as hot for you now as they were 60 years ago."

"I don't doubt it," replied the husband, "you've got one in your coffee and the other in your oatmeal!"

Alec got a new stick of deodorant the other day.

The instructions said, remove cap and push up bottom.

He can barely walk, but whenever he farts the room smells lovely.

A young man goes into the Employment Centre in St. John's, Newfoundland, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes to learn more - "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Gander, about two hundred miles from here."

"Oh, is that where the job is?"

"No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now."

Take a look at the two birds below.

Study them closely and watch their habits.

See if you can spot which of the two is the female.

It can be done. Even by one with no skills whatsoever in bird watching.

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I am gonna divorce my wife."

"Why is that?" asks Earl.

"Well," says Bob, "because she hasn't spoke to me in over two months!"

Earl continues to slowly sip his beer, then thoughtfully replies, "You better think it over Bob. Women like that are hard to find!"

ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THIS:

• Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
• Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
• When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
• If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
• The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
• No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
• The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
• Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
• A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
• It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt. For a 10.
• Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
• MY PERSONAL FAVORITE ... Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
• It's not a gimme if you're still away.
• The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
• You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
• If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
• Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
• When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
• Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
• If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
• To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
• There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
• Hazards attract; fairways repel.
• A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
• If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
• It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.
• A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
• Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
• A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
• If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
• Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
• It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

Another Short Love Story

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl: "Will you marry me?"

The girl said: "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and went to the pub and farted whenever he wanted.

... the end

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls.'

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company"s secret files.

From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby Melville rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Melville old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief, "... da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck."

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Marilyn, half his age, in a small Newfoundland community.

After several months, Marilyn complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother, all Newfoundland women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere along the coast.

The Vet didn't have a clue how he could help out; but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Father, would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from down the shore to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Marilyn still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Marilyn to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Marilyn went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, my son, is how you wave a towel!'

A recent study found the average Canadian golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Canadian golfers drink, on average, 19 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, Canadian golfers get about 47 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud.

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The women are taking their time. When the final woman is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f***ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'

One of the men immediately responded, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly. He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fuckin blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End.

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears. So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the drug store and got some Nair hair remover. At the register the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist said, "Well if you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist said, "Then stay off your bicycle for a week."

A new world's record in the high jump from a kneeling position was set yesterday at a beach in southern France.

The picture below was taken just a few seconds before the jump took place ....

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.

He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. Master is this great big guy, about six-foot-five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."

After a heavy night of drinking due to winning a ball game, one of the SOBs was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the SOB replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the SOB.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the SOB replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty.

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They parted ways.

Some years later, they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well Father."

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh, yes Father. Three sets of twins and four singles, 10 in all."

The Father said, "Glory be! That's wonderful! Where is yer loving husband then ... I'd like to congratulate him?"

She replied, "E's away to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian, "Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says, "F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!"

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Willy. "Willy! Willy!"

Willy came running in.

"Willy, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth!" Willy said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobber" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way, we can't do it" Cobber says "Lets try Plan B."

"Plan B" exclaimed Willy. "What's that?"

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." replied Cobber.

"Spot on" Willy said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples"? Cobber says, "Not exactly a good time for that is it mate?"

"No" Willy replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

Well," his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat way across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "You going to tell him, or should I?"

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried again, and this time had 5 more children. Again, her husband died.

Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs!"

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately, rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly with a very satisfied daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf."