Occasionally I trip over some amusing stuff that's paintball related. Some of it I find here and there, but most of this I'd have to thank the people on rec.sport.paintball. I'll try to give credit where credit is due, but I'll apologize now if I've forgotten anyone, or given credit to the wrong person. I decided to re-add this page because it is just for fun, and any opportunity to laugh at ourselves is a good thing.
Update: Jan. 24, 2010
Paintball Slang | Paintball Jokes | Smack Talk | When Geeks Attack!
Paintball Slang -thanks to the boys and girls at rec.sport.paintball for this one.
Bow and Arrow - inferior marker (Ironically these days we DO have Paintball Bows! - SB)
Dirt nap - killed, marked
"Pants" game - a skunk, a slaughter, where one team has zero kills. Derived from the tradition, at one field, of having the "skunked" team walk back to the staging area with their pants around their ankles. The ultimate victory.
Dressing up the pig - spending a fortune on a poor gun. (Nitro-powered Talon, anyone?)
68 caliber girlfriend - one's marker, especially when one's social skillshave fallen off due to spending LOTS of time Paintballing and NO time pursuing women.
Wonder fire - blindly firing usually holding the gun around/over an obstacle, often as cover fire (like Stevie Wonder might do).
Graffiti - hit multiple times. "He had more graffiti than a New Yorksubway."
Gumballs - paint that won't break. "I threw a couple of gumballs at him and then he nailed me."
Sludge - crappy paint, especially paint prone to barrel breaks (yes, Brass Eagle, and Big Bore)
Brooks Brother - A well-accessorized, but poor, player. "Damn, did you seethat guy with the tricked cocker?" "Yeah, but don't worry about him. He's a Brooks Brother -- can't hit a thing."
Milkshake - breaking paint in the hopper and ending up with a mess inside being stirred up with the agitator!
YARD SALE - the direct result of a player falling down
while running to a bunker and spreading his paint and equipment all over the
ground
in front of him.
Registered Letter - A shot that just couldn't miss.
Junk Mail - semi or full auto cover-fire.
Scope Sighting Material - Lousy players or Newbies
Tapeworm - a guy who crawls the boundaries.
Lit up like a Christmas tree - Shot so many time that you are bright from the paint and the pain.....
Bagged in the berries - shot in the nuts. "Hey, look at that guy rolling on the ground!" "Yeah,
he got bagged in the
berries."
Kenny - First person to get eliminated in a game. (AND they get to hear their teammates chant: "Oh my God! The killed Kenny!") ;-)
Rambo - the guy that insists on playing in a ripped up T-shirt and whiles that full face protection is for sissies. ("HA! My skin is too thick for those little balls to leave a mark. Ouch! Ow! Hey! Stop that! That hurts!")
Armadillo, Turtle, Walking Bunker (also "Quincallero" in Spanish) - the guy who goes way overboard with the protection and/or equipment. the one wearing: face mask and goggles, helmet, neck protector, shoulder pads, BMX chest plate, elbow pads, 'armoured' gloves, knee pads, shin guards, heavy boots, 16 pods plus harness, 'Alice' belt and suspenders with assorted ammo pouches holding all sorts of tools, 12 grams, more paint tubes, his lunch, hand drawn maps of the field, a compass, binoculars, three squeegees, two backup sidearms, extra barrels, a rolled up rain poncho, and Lord knows what else, all this on top of his camos which go on top of his street clothes, despite the mid 90 degree heat, and 99% humidity weather. (Usually looses consciousness from heat prostration 5 minutes after reaching the field.)
Paintball Jokes -by "Durty Dan"
---
Q: How can you tell a tournament player from a recreational playerin a fancy restaurant, when they're BOTH picking their noses?
A: The tournament player picks his nose with his MIDDLE finger.
---
Q: How can you spot the tournament player at a stock game?
A: He's got his twelve gram on a remote.
---
Q: How many tournament players does it take change a light
bulb?
A: Only one, but he needs a ref to "Check it, check it,
check it, check it . . .
---
Q: How many recreational players does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Ten, cause every tournament player knows one pro is worth
ten amateurs.
---
Q: How many tournament refs does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: None, the stupid, blind refs can't TELL when it's burnt
out.
---
Q: How many newbies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don't know any better, yet.
---
Did you hear about the
guy whose wife let him play Paintball as much as he wanted to and didn't complain about how much
money he spent on equipment?
Neither did I.
---
Q: What follows two days of rain?
A: Monday.
---
Did you hear about the
two refs who froze to death at thedrive in movie last winter?
Apparently, they went to see
the movie "Closed for the Season".
---
-The last tournament I was on was SO rigged . . .
-How rigged was it?
-It was so rigged, the local team had SO many five man teams thatthey had run out of normal colours to differentiate
them. In fact,
they were up to Field Team Midnight Salmon Sunrise Indigo.
---
SID: That lousy store owner, he sold me a bad batch of paint, kid.
KID: How can you tell?
SID: I can only fit 100 in my 300 round loader!
KID: I'm glad I'm using field paint, I can get 500 in MY 300 round loader.
---
Q: How can you tell when a Paintballer is exaggerating their
prowess on the field?
A: Their lips move.
---
You know you're getting old when you seem
to be the only one around who knows that the Budd Orr Sniper is NOT a pump action
version of the Autococker.
---
Q: How can you tell when you've played far too much
recreational paintball?
A: When you're hit with something tossed at you and your immediate response is to yell, "Bounce! No break!".
---
These two guys are
telling paintball "war" stories and aretrying to outdo each other. The stories become more and
more
outlandish as the afternoon goes on. One guy decides to tell a
story no one could top, just to put an end to the whole affair.
"There I was, alone
in a fort, with 200 guys surrounding me. I ran from window to window, shouting and shooting so fast, they
thought the fort was full of guys. It took me seven hours, but
I managed to eliminate all 200."
The second guys rubs his
chin and says, "I'll tell you an amazing story. We were playing a night game and we were on
patrol. We were carrying one of those gas lanterns. We
were wading across this chest deep stream when we came under fire
and one of the guys drops the lantern. Next year, same field,
same stream. I kick something with my foot and I fish it out of the
water. It turns out to be the lantern, and get this, it's
still lit!"
The first guys says,
"C'mon, how do you expect me to believe that?" "Well I tell you
what," the second guy says, "You change the
200 players to TWENTY and I'll blow out the lantern."
---
Will: What's the difference between a paintball gun and a
thermonuclear device?
Gill: I don't know.
Will: Remind me not to play paintball with you.
---
Q: How can you tell when you've played far too much tournament
paintball?
A: When you toss something to someone, and it hits them, your immediate response is "Check him, check him, check him . .
." .
---
Q: Why do tournament teams always have five players?
A: You need a minimum of Grade 12 to play.
---
Q: How can you tell the difference between an NPPL ref and a
normal person, when they're lying dead on the road?
A: The normal person has the skid marks BEFORE the body.
---
Q: What's the difference between a stock game and a semi game?
A: About 3,000 paintballs.
---
Q: What's the difference between a tournament ref and an
onion?
A: Nobody cries when you cut up the ref.
---
Q: What happens when a tournament player goes from the amateur
to the pro division?
A: The IQ raises in both divisions.
---
Q: What's the most important thing a semi owner should have in
his parts kit?
A: A pump action paintball gun.
---
Q: What's the difference between an Ultimate Judge and God?
A: God doesn't think He's an Ultimate Judge.
---
Q: What's the difference between a good player and a bad
player?
A: Twenty five minutes.
---
Q: Why do tournament players say "Check him, check him .
. ."?
A: Because "I hit that guy on the loader" has too
many syllables.
---
Q: What do players do, when they can't play worth beans?
A: Write for paintball publications.
While sports like Basketball has their "Trash talk", we as Paintballers have "Smack Talk" (basically, insults for the opposing team). A little while ago, someone had started a thread called: "What's your favorite smack talk lines?". I've got a collection of my favorites here (again from the people over at rec.sport.paintball) and have tried to get the right names for each of the posters who submitted their favorite lines.
i find talking dirty pisses people of pretty well. even calling them "cupcake" works.... - FreakNDRum
The best one I ever heard was "Hey Buddy...put your barrel plug in." The kid replied "why??". Then the guy shot the hell out of him and said "That's why!" - Fpaintball
After a punishing elimination to center-of-mass: "Congratulations, fella, you just won the Wet T-Shirt Contest!" After the skeered opposition flees: "Come back here, so that I may taunt you a second time!" (with French accent) Oh, when somebody insists on coating your bunker with 3 coats of paint from a hundred feet away: "Why don't you just give me ten bucks and I'll call myself out?!?!?" - Styles Bitchley
$1000 gun, but a $2 game. - Sniper Bob
Sling insults rather than paint. It's cheaper, and you get more accomplished. A simple yell of "YOU ARE PATHETIC!" angers opponents. Angry opponents get stupid. Stupid opponents get eliminated. - Tyger
Ok, I can add some to this:
1) What there are ___# of you with semi's and you can't take out 1 guy with a pump?
2) You can't hit the broad side of a barn.
3) If you open your eyes you might do better! <followed with a friendly wave>
4) All that money and you still can't play!
5) This came from someone on here: Aww, aint that cute your shooting at me!!! - John
Dickenson
When someone's hosing the back of my bunker I like to yell out " 5 Dollars, 10 Dollars," and so on, until I pop out, snap a couple shots and take him out. That's when I yell out "Ten Cents" he he. - Alex Brings
"Yeah -- Stick that leg back out a little more. I can't quite see all of it" (while firing at it of course) - faze iii
"Do you need to borrow a pod of paint?" (while bunker is being hosed by an Angel) - Paul La Rue
"Hey buddy! The tie-dye look went out years ago!" Yell across the field:
"Hey!! Hey!! Is there something wrong with your paint gun???" "What???"
"I said...IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR PAINT GUN!?!?!?!" "NO!!"
"I JUST THOUGHT I'D ASK IF SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH IT CUZ YOU AREN'T HITTING SHIT
WITH IT!!!"
*jovial wave*
Then there's the ever popular: "HEY PAL!! YOU MIGHT DO BETTER IF YOU ACTUALLY AIM
THAT THING!!!"
Or: "WHY DON'T YOU JUST RECOGNIZE THE INEVITABLE AND SURRENDER NOW?" (this is
best yelled at opposing players in bunkers at least 50 feet away) Or: "DID YOU GET A
FREE TOASTER WITH THAT PIECE-OF-SHIT AUTOCOCKER???" - Goom
"Keep it up, your inflating my RP Stock!" and "Hey, just give me the $10 and I'll call myself out" - Nicholas C. Weaver
Now, people used to bug me about how Paintballers are just nothing but a bunch of wanna-be military guys playing out some weird fantasy. But after viewing this video, you'll agree that 'Ballers have NOTHING on these guys! Here's a prime example of why some people should not be allowed to play Role Playing Games! So now, presented to you in "Bob-O-Vision", I'm proud to present: "WHEN GEEKS ATTACK!!!" :-)
In all honesty... I'm not sure which is worse: The fact that someone thought this was a good idea.. or the fact that OTHERS thought this was a good idea!
Addendum: I put up this link I don't remember how many years ago... and it still works!
SNIPER BOB, 2000-20010