Stefan Jonasson

A few years ago, while driving my Icelandic cousins to Minneapolis to
catch their plane home, we stopped at Thingvalla, North Dakota, where
there is a memorial to K.N. Julius, the noteworthy Icelandic American
farmer-poet. On his grave itself, there was a simple marker inscribed
with his name and the term kímniskáld. "What does that mean?" I asked.
My cousin smiled and said. "It means he was a humorous poet, just like
you're a kímniprestur, a humorous priest!" In a world with far too many
humourless religious leaders, I'm happy to claim the mantle of
kímniprestur, even if I should happen to shock or offend a few sensitive
souls along the way. Here's a selection of my humorous writings. Please
lighten up before you open them up! As G.K. Chesterton observed,
"Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly."

MY CAMPAIGN FOR GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA

In 2003, I conducted a facetious campaign to become Governor of
California. It all began when my colleague, Harlan Limpert, sent me a
joking email asking, "Is it true you're running for governor?" On a lark, I
sent him my "campaign poster," followed by my "official announcement."
During the weeks that followed, I sent him (and a growing list of email
recipients) occasional messages in the form of press releases. Although
my days in politics are now long past, the record of my "campaign" is still
good for a laugh ...

The Poster (PDF) - I campaigned on a very simple slogan: "The Solution
for California: Join Canada!" The affinities between Canada and California
are almost too obvious to have to name them.

The Announcement (PDF) - Noting that Californians still lack a
meaningful choice despite the plethora of gubernatorial candidates,
Stefan Jonasson today announced his own candidacy for Governor of
California in the upcoming recall election.

Forget the War of 1812 (PDF) - "Listen, I think it's time we put The
War of 1812 behind us. I understand how all the fuss in Iraq has left us
feeling a little neglected, since people have forgotten that Canada was
the very first country that America invaded without provocation. It's
hard to feel special when so many other countries have been invaded
after us. But no matter what may be happening now - and no matter
how many nations the United States may invade in the future - we'll
always have been first. I think we should cherish that memory!"

Candidate Calls on Gov. Davis to Change His Name (PDF) - "Davis
has been accused of having a relatively colorless personality," lamented
Jonasson. "But what can Californians really expect when their governor is
called Gray? I challenge him to change his name if he's really serious
about remaining governor!"

J'Accuse! (PDF) - California gubernatorial candidate Stefan Jonasson
accused his opponent Arnold Schwarzenegger of staging a 13-year
campaign to topple Governor Gray Davis. "Isn't it obvious to everyone
that Schwarzenegger's film Total Recall was a coded message to his
supporters to undermine the current administration in Sacramento?"

Jonasson Denies Affair (PDF) - Amidst rumors of scandal, which could
potentially damage his campaign to become governor of California,
Stefan Jonasson vehemently denied any romantic involvement with
actress Sharon Stone.

Jonasson Blasts Ventura (PDF) - Former Minnesota governor Jesse
Ventura should "mind his own business and butt out of California's
affairs" according to gubernatorial candidate Stefan Jonasson.

How About a Debate? (PDF) - California gubernatorial candidate Stefan
Jonasson challenged his opponents to debate the issues facing the
state, demanding equal time for each of the 136 candidates in the race.

Controversial Photograph Doctored? (PDF) - Unconfirmed Reports
indicate that a photograph purporting to show gubernatorial candidate
Stefan Jonasson romping through the waves with actress Sharon Stone
may have been doctored.

Healthy Enough (PDF) - Many in the healthcare industry have feared
that Jonasson, a Canadian, would seek to impose socialized medicine on
the state, should he be elected governor. As one Orange County
multimillionaire asked, "If everyone has equal access to quality
healthcare at an affordable price, what incentive will there be for people
to stay healthy?"

Ending Juvenile Crime (PDF) - Rejecting claims that he is soft on
crime, California gubernatorial candidate Stefan Jonasson today unveiled
his plans for addressing juvenile crime, describing it as a blend of
traditional values and innovative methods.

Getting Tough on Aging Criminals, Too (PDF) - Sensitive to growing
criticism that his anti-crime platform emphasizes the need to deal with
juvenile crime while ignoring the growing incidence of geriatric crime,
California gubernatorial candidate Stefan Jonasson has promised to "get
tough" with elderly criminals.

The Endorsements (PDF) - After several weeks of campaigning, Stefan
Jonasson's campaign was bolstered by enthusiastic endorsements that
began to flood in to his campaign headquarters.

Jonasson Throws His Support to Gray Davis (PDF) - In a surprise
move, Jonasson called upon Californians to vote against recalling their
governor. "A well-organized, fanatical minority has succeeded in making
California the laughing stock of the political world. Californians shouldn't
let them get away with that. They shouldn't permit those who failed to
win last November's free and fair election succeed in their thinly-veiled
coup d'état."

Jonasson Gracious in Defeat (PDF) - In a dramatic conclusion to the
race to elect a new governor for the state of California, independent
candidate Stefan Jonasson came within 2,571 votes of Democratic
candidate Edward Kennedy and was just 658 votes behind Republican
Michael Jackson.

UNITARIAN UNIVERSALISM

Unitarian Universalists Follow Nordstrom's Lead (PDF) - After the
Minneapolis Star-Tribune ran an article noting that Nordstrom's had only
one full-line department store in the Twin Cities, I created this fictitious
new story about the consolidation of all Twin Cities Unitarian Universalist
congregations into a single megachurch at the Mall of America. Do I
need to mention that the opinions expressed reflect the view of my "evil
twin" and do not necessarily represent the views of the Unitarian
Universalist Association? (October 12, 2004)