Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A spacecraft enters earths orbit over Canada and is investigating the human population. They decide to do some experiments, and find a man alone in a boat. First they measure his intelligence, and the results are far below their own base level. Hmmm, they think, I wonder what would happen if we took a quarter of his brain out - so they do! No change, so they take another quarter out - he starts jabberring something about "I'm the Prime Minister and you'll do what I say!" - Just for fun they take the rest out, and he starts singing, "Aluetta, ..."
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of
the shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important and my secretary has left. Can you
make this thing work?"
"Certainly." said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper
and pressed the START button.
"Excellent, excellent." said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just needed one copy."
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?", a secretary, walking by, asked.
"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the
shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are phony). He tells them, "O.K. I have a test for you. I want you to use the words 'cheese' and 'liver' in a sentence." So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch." The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?" he asks the second guy. He says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
It only rains twice a year in Vancouver: August to April and May to July.
What's the definition of a Vancouver optimist? A guy with a sun visor on his rain hat.
A newcomer to Vancouver arrives on a rainy day. He gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. He goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and asks out of despair, "Hey kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says, "How do I know? I'm only 6."
Three CEOs dropped into a bar after attending the Bavarian Beer festival.
The CEO of Corona said to the bartender, "I'll have a Corona, the world's best beer."
The CEO of Budweiser said, "This Bud's for me."
The CEO of Molson's said, "I'll have a Coke."
The other two frowned. "A Coke? Your kidding?"
The Molson CEO said, "Since you two weren't having a beer, neither will I."
The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years he showed it to the conductor as a railway pass. Twice it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day he misplaced it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.
A traveller called down to the hotel's front desk soon after checking in. "Help!" he yelled. "I'm trapped inside my room!" "What do you mean, trapped?" "Well, I see three doors," the man explained. "The first one opens to a closet, the second to the bathroom. And the third door has a DO NOT DISTURB sign hanging on it."
This duck goes into a store and ask the clerk if they have any grapes the clerk says no, the duck leaves. 30 min later the duck comes back "got any grapes?" The clerk says "NO" An hour later the duck comes back "got any grapes?" clerk says "NO!!!!" duck comes back later "got any grapes" the clerks getting really mad now says "NO!! and if you ask me for grapes again I'm gonna nail your webbed feet to the floor!!!" The duck comes back later... "got any nails?" the clerk yells "NO!!" the duck says "good! " "got any grapes?"
This duck walks into a supermarket, sees a guy with a nametag that says "Manager," walks over to him and says, "Got any duck food?" The manager says, "No, we don't. We don't even allow ducks in here. So get out!!" So the duck leaves.
The next day, the same duck comes in, walks up to the manager and says, "Got any duck food?" The manager says, "No, we don't! And if you come in here again, I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!" So the duck leaves.
The very next day, the same duck comes back into the supermarket, goes up to the manager and says, "Got any nails?" And the manager says, "No, why?" And the duck says, "Got any duck food?"
A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He thenrealizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."
Two men were in a pub. They took out their sandwiches, ready to eat when the pub-owner complained, "Hey, you cannot eat your own food here." The two men, upon hearing this, simply swapped their sandwiches with each other and carried on with their meal.
Three boys are in the school yard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can shoot an arrow and starts to run. I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."
The second boy says "Ha! You think that's fast. My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and gets there before the bullet."
The third one listens to the first two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops work at 5pm and he is home by 4:15pm".
A man called the airport to ask how long the flight to Delhi took.
"Just a minute, sir," the operator said.
"That's fast!" exclaimed the man.
A schoolboy was at an interview to work as an office boy.
"Your pay is ten dollars a week now," said the boss. "Three months later you will
get twenty dollars per week."
"Okay," the boy replied. "I'll be back in three months' time."
Two men had just bought two horses together. The horses were quite similar, so one said to the other, "How are we going to tell which horse is whose?" "I know. We'll cut the tail of one of them." But by accident both horses' tails were cut. "I know! Yours is the black one, and I have the white. If we remember that, we won't get mixed up then."
"I am a real failure." said the comedian to a friend. "What happened?" inquired the friend.
"Last night I was doing my act. There was this guy in the front row, who I thought was laughing from ear to ear. But just as I as finishing I saw that he had cut his throat!"
At a department store, a small boy was standing at the foot of the down escalator, staring intently at the moving handrail. "Is there something wrong, little fellow?", asked the manager, walking by. "No sir," said the little boy, "I'm waiting for my bubble gum to come back".
Three men had been stranded on an island for years. They had long beards, skinny bodies, worn out clothes and no hope. One day a bottle washes ashore and the first man picks it up. When he began brushing the sand off it a Gennie pops out and says, "I can grant each of you one wish, what shall it be?"
The first man answered, "Oh, I wish I were home." Poof, he was gone.
The second man, without further thoughts, too said, "I wish I was home." Poof, he was gone.
The third man then told the Genie, "I am very lonely here. So I wish the two of them were back here with me!"
It was math lesson and the teacher threw Mark a question, "If you lent Johnny ten dollars, then another ten dollars a week later, how much would he return you?" "Five dollars," Mark answered. The teacher shook her head. "I'm afraid you don't know much about addition, Mark!" "Well," Mark replied, "I'm afraid you don't know much about Johnny, Teacher."
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
Adam was a well-known trouble maker in class. One day, the teacher got tired of him not doing his homework and shouted to him, "Adam! You are too lazy to even do your own work! What would happen if I also said I was too tired to teach you people, and stayed at home resting?"
Adam promptly replied, "You wouldn't do that. You'd lose your job."
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping.
The man looked hopefully at the judge and asked, "Well?"
"I shall reduce the sentence... to 1,001 years."
"Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."
A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a hugh buck.
"Where's Harry?", asked another hunter. "He fainted a couple miles up the trail," Harry's partner answered.
"You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?" "It was a tough decision," said the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Harry."
A greengrocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each - three for a dollar." All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!" Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the greengrocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign, no one ever bought more than one eggplant!"
One day a melon farmer noticed that thieves were stealing his crop from his fields each evening. Desperate to save what was left to sell at market, he put a sign with a skull and crossbones that read, "One of these melons is poisoned."
Sure enough, for two nights not one melon was stolen. But after the third night, he noticed that his sign had been altered. It now read, "Two of these melons are poisoned."
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a redneck joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."
Visiting the modern art museum an old lady turned to an attendant standing nearby. "This", she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?" "No madam." replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."
Two friends, who had lost contact for many years, were catching up with each other. One asked, "So, you've got your own company, huh? How lucky!" The other replied, "Just a small one, nothing to be proud of."
Disbelieving, the first queried, "Small? How many people work in your company?" The other sadly answered, "About half of them."
Timmy was brought to the principal's office again. "What is it this time?" asked the principal.
"I was just doing what Mr. Anderson was telling me to, Mr Principal."
"Are you sure? What happened?"
"I didn't do a piece of work, and he got all upset, and asked, 'Just what do you think I am?' So I told him!"
After spending several weeks concentrating on vowels, I reviewed the lessons with my students to determine how much they had learned. "Why are vowels so important?" I asked.
After a pause one boy answered, "So we can play 'Wheel of Fortune'."
Unable to get her husband to fix the leaking kitchen faucet, the doctor's wife finally calls in a plumber. In just a few moments he replaces a worn washer and hands her a bill for $95. The astonished wife protests "Why my husband is a doctor and even he doesn't charge that much!" Replies the plumber, "Yeah I know. I used to be a brain surgeon before I became a plumber."
At a commuter train station a policeman noticed a woman driver bowed over the steering wheel of her car. "Is there anything wrong?" said the policeman.
Half crying and half laughing the woman responded, "For ten years I have driven my husband to the station to catch his train. Every morning for ten years he has missed it, until today.
"Then why are you laughing?"
"He doesn't work Saturdays"
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve walking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British!"
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French!"
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
A young ventriloquist is touring the Southwest and stops to entertain in an Arkansas bar. He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says threateningly, "I've heard just about enough of your smart mouth hillbilly jokes-we ain't all stupid here in Arkansas!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interrupts him and says, "You stay out of this mister - I'm talking to the smart mouth little fella on your knee!"
Faster than a speeding mini-van
More powerful than a dirty sneaker
Able to leap tall laundry piles in a single bound
IT'S A BIRD
IT'S A BABE
IT'S......................
WORKING MOM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies.
One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint.
As a result of this disaster, both crews were... marooned.
Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower approached his neighbor, "Ray, may I borrow your axe?"
"Not today," Ray replied, "I have to make soup."
"What kind of excuse it that?!" demanded Joe.
"Well," confessed Ray, "I admit its a lousy excuse. But, if I don't want to loan you my axe, one excuse is as good as another."
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."
There are two men talking after having just met, and one says, "So what do you do on Sunday mornings?"
"I go to the park and feed the birds."
"Oh yeah! So what do you feed them - popcorn?"
"Naw, I feed 'em to my cat."
"There's just one thing that bugs me about this revolution." confided the one radical to a fellow activist. "And that's what's gonna happen to our unemployment checks when we over throw the government."
After her election the first Jewish woman President called her mother to invite her to the inauguration. The mother agreed to come, and when the great day arrived she was seated among Supreme Court Justices and Cabinet members.
Just a short time into the solemn ceremony, she nudged the man to her left. "You see that girl with her hand on the Bible?" the mother said with great excitement. "Her brother's a doctor!"
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said,"I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
In preparation for the Arts Festival in Columbia Maryland, a group of Yuppettes screened the talent at a luncheon. One tenor sang an aria, the ladies roared, "Again! Again!"
He complied, only to hear the same chorus of "Again's" from the audience. "Ladies," he said, "I'm flattered beyond words, but I'm not able to sing the entire aria a third time."
One Yuppette stood up and said, "Oh yes you will. And you're going to keep singing it until you get it right."
A married man was unfortunate enough to fall into the hands of some aliens. They tried to communicate with him in the space ship but they could not understand each other. The man, afraid of being made their meal, thought quickly and desperately cried out,"Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids... eat them instead!"
There was a hunter who wanted to go out and kill a buffalo. He did not know the usual grazing spots of the buffalo in the area he was in, so he hired a native Indian of those parts as a guide. They were walking along when all of a sudden, the Indian dropped and pressed his ear to the ground. The Indian said, "Buffalo come!"
The hunter looked kind of puzzled and asked him, "How do you know?" The Indian answered, "Ear sticky."
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says... "Now she knows."
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
Two old guys at an old folk's home shooting the breeze.
One says "How's the memory?"
The other says "Perfect, touch wood", and raps his knuckles on the table. Two minutes go bye, and then he says "Somebody gonna get the door or what?"
Once upon a time there was a little sparrow who, while flying south for the winter, froze solid and fell to the ground. To make matters worse, a cow crapped on him. But the manure was warm, and it defrosted him. So there he is, he's warm and he's happy to be alive, and he starts to sing. And a hungry cat comes along and clears off the manure, finds the little bird and eats him. The moral of this story is:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy. Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend. And, if you're warm and happy, no matter where you are, you should just keep your big mouth shut.
A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the door was opened by a nine year old boy puffing on a long black cigar.
Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, "Is your Mother home?"
The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, "What do you think?"
Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity.
"Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they passed by.
The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?"
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
There was going to be another science test that week. The teacher was troubled and did not know how to break the news to the students. "Class, we... we are going to have a science test this Thursday."
"Huh?..." the class grumbled.
"Shucks," thought the teacher. "I knew this would happen." So, to cheer her students up, she suddenly shouted, "Give me a T! Give me a E! Give me a S! Give me a T!"
Suddenly, she was interrupted by a student who shouted, "Who cares! Just give me an A!"
"Information... I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."
The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . . ."
Fellow 1 : "Boy my wife makes me mad! I really feel like telling her off again."
Fellow 2 : "What do you mean again?"
Fellow 1 : "I felt like telling her off yesterday, too."
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result isn't a whole number, don't open the hatch."
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.
Amanpreet was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Good," Amanpreet said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye."What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
It was a mid-July day in Peoria, Illinois, and Johnny's mother had invited several of her friends over for dinner. Just before time to eat, she took Johnny aside and told him to say the blessing. "But what'll I say, Mom?"
"Before we eat, you say what you've heard me say many times."
The boy stood with the other folks around the table and when his mother nodded to him, he said, "Good Lord... Oh Good Lord... why did I invite these people on a hot day like this?"
A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: "Our deepest sympathy."
But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too."
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"
A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
On doctor's orders, Melling had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.
Melling's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.
"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual... because he hated the book!"
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," she replied as she began to remove the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter," asked little Johnny. "Giving up?"
A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the aft cabin of the 747. A very sleepy woman who had become aware of the dampness tugged at my skirt as the attendant passed by. Has it been raining? she asked the flight attendant. Keeping a straight face, she replied, Yes, but we put the top up. With a sigh of relief, the woman went back to sleep.
Six months after the waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who promised she would contact the dead man. During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.
"Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"
A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, "I can't. It's not my table."
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could.Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:
Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."
Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?"
Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."
The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."
"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.
"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."
A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked young Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue and collapsed."
When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.
The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."
I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"
Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card. He quickly found a son-to-father card, but neglected to read it carefully.
Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud, "Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too . . ."
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Therefore: he came to be known as a (groan):
"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her 60 bucks, she was shocked, "I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut," she said with disdain.
"But you don't bite do you?" the groomer quickly replied.
Two men are hunting in the hill's of northern Quebec when they realize that they're lost. Worrying that night was coming and they would have to be rescued soon they quickly formulated a plan of action. They decided to stomp out HELP in the snow using thirty foot letter's.
Within hour's they were arrested. The charges were for displaying a sign in English.
The aircraft company kept strengthening the wings but the wings of the newly designed plane kept falling off. One junior engineer suggested drilling a series of perforations where the wing met the body of the craft. It worked.
"How'd you know to do that?" he was asked.
"Toilet paper NEVER tears at the perforations."
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
A man was applying to a company for a job. As he felt that his wealth of experience was sufficient and that he would surely get the job, he didn't write any covering letter. Instead, he attached a small slip of paper to his resume, with the words "Dear Sir, I apply."
Back came the reply, "Dear Sir, we regret. "
During a baseball game, a woman kept shouting threats at the umpire. No matter what happened on the field, she continually yelled, "Kill the umpire!" This went on for an hour.
"Lady," another fan called out, "the umpire hasn't done anything wrong."
"Hey," she replied,"How would you know that? That's my husband, not yours!"
Two young boys was having their morning breakfast, consisting of hot chocolate and cereal. As he almost finish his meal, the younger of the two headed for their aquarium, his hand full of cereal. Just before he feed the turtles and the fish, his mother came into the room. "Don't do it, Kamal",she said. "They'll die."
The boys face turned pale and throw his mother a desperate look, "Then why did you gave it to us?"
A lady went out to a discount store to pick up several items she needed. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER ???"
This executive was interviewing a nervous young women for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The girl quickly responded, "The living one."
Based on a survey recently performed by several top business magazines, a question was put to managers and their employees on just how much effort should be put into your work. Managers of course wanted more than 100%, while employees were unanimous in suggesting less than 100%. So we here say that you should only give 100% exactly to your efforts as work...