Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'." "But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens.
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says...
"Tankety Tank Tank."
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients for them to operate on:
The first surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds: "Try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says: "No, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon intercedes: "I like engineers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when it takes longer than you expect."
To which the fifth surgeon says: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and butt are interchangeable."
Two guys are drinking in the bar on the 110th floor of the World Trade Center. They've both been drinking heavily for several hours and are really toasted. The first guy slurs, "Didja know that 'cause of the way these two buildings are set up, I could jump outa this window an' fall 'bout hunnerd floors, and the updraft between these two towers would sweep me up back into this bar?"
The second guy doesn't believe this at all and offers to bet one hundred dollars that it wouldn't work. The first guy says, "You're on," and they each lay a crisp new hundred dollar bill on the table. He then staggers up to the window, opens it and jumps.
The second guy leans out the window to watch him fall...
10-20-30-50-80-100 stories he falls, when suddenly he gets swept back up into the bar.
The second guy is amazed and says, "Lemme try that," and proceeds to jump out the window.
The first guy leans out the window to watch him fall...
10-20-30-50-80-100-110 SPLAT! -- where he falls to his death.
The first guy smirks a little, grabs the two hundred dollars and walks out of the bar.
As he's walking out, the bartender says, "You know, when you're drunk, you can be a real asshole, Superman."
One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're man enough to take me on?"
The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers, "Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men) charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill. After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man, "What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath, replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. There're two of them!"
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
In the beginning was the Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the Darkness was on the faces of the Employees
And they spoke unto their Supervisors saying:
"It's a Crock of Shit and it Stinketh!"
And the Supervisors went unto their Department Heads and sayeth:
"It's a Pail of Dung, and none may abide the Odor thereof."
And the Department Heads went unto their Managers, and sayeth unto them:
"It is a Container of Excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Director and sayeth:
"It is a Vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its Strength."
And the Director went unto the Vice President and sayeth:
"It contains that which aids Plant Growth, and it is very Strong."
And the Vice President went to the Executive Vice President and sayeth:
"It promoteth Growth, and it is very Powerful."
And the Executive Vice President went to the President and sayeth:
"This Powerful New Plan will actively promote the Growth and Efficiency of the System."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was Good.
And the Plan became Policy...
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs,"Where's the money?" The deaf signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood,"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf signs back, "The$40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.
"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.
"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.
The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thankyou," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"
So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.
He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.
"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.
Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2."
Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"
Aboard a plane, an announcement by the captain was heard.
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you again aboard ABC Airlines flight 117 to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out the windows on the port side, you will notice that one of the port wing has broken off."
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with five people in it waving at you. That's me, the co-pilot and the three stewardesses. Surprised? Well, this is a recorded message. Thankyou for flying ABC Airlines, and please fly with us again (if you have the chance, that is)!"
Once upon a time, there were two lumberjacks, named Smith and Do-Dah. These two lumberjacks became best friends, doing everything together. They ate together (while working, of course), worked together, played together, and even got married on the same day. Every day, after saying goodbye to their wives, they would head for the woods to cut down trees.
After a while, they developed a routine way of doing things. Smith would climb up into the tree, and cut the top part off, called "topped the tree." Then when he had climbed down, Do-Dah would cut down the tree itself. They did this routine for over thirty years. As the years went by, Do-Dah started to lose his hearing.
One day, Smith topped off the tree and yelled "Timber!" to let his friend know the top part was coming down. Do-Dah didn't hear him and the falling tree top landed on him." Seeing that his friend was caught under the tree top, Smith rushed down the tree crying "Do-Dah! Do-Dah! My friend! Are you all right?" But it was too late. His friend was dead.
After sitting and crying for a while, Smith decided he needed to go and tell Do-Dah's wife that her husband was dead. As he walked thru the woods, towards her house, he kept thinking, over and over, "What am I gonna tell this poor woman? How do I tell her that her husband is dead?"
Before he knew it, he was standing outside her door, and still didn't know how to tell her. Just then, the door opened. It was Mrs. Do-Dah, leaving to go shopping. She was surprised to see Smith standing there, and asked ,"Why, hello Mr Smith. What can I do for you today?" Smith was speechless and just stood there and looked at her. Finally, from somewhere deep inside him, Smith began to sing:
"Guess who died in the woods today..."
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: PERSONNEL DEPT.
SUBJECT: REST ROOM PRIVILEGES
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the rest room under informal guidelines. Effective this date, a "Rest room Trip Policy" (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's rest room time.
Under this policy, a "Rest room Trip Bank" (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a "Rest room Trip Credit" (RTC) of 20. RTCs can be accumulated from month to month.
Within two weeks, the entrance to all rest rooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer linked voice recognition devices. Before the end of March, each employee must provide the Personnel Dept. with two copies of voice prints, one normal and one under stress. The voice print recognition will be in operation, but not restrictive, for the rest of the month. Employees should acquaint themselves with these station during this period.
If an employee's RTB balance reaches zero, the doors to the rest rooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all all rest room stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper in the stall will retract, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall seat remains occupied, your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted in the hallways. This is being done to eliminate dilly-dalling in the rest rooms. Anyone's picture showing up three times will be immediately terminated.
If there are any questions regarding the above policy, don't hesitate to speak with your supervisor or the Personnel Dept.
Thank You,
Management
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms.
The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Oh yes." the boy said.
The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct. The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager.
The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cuts wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice. Where upon the Irishman stumbled back, recovered his composure, and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "BeGabbers! He's Right... Farty-two!"
|
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be sent away as soon as possible. Project Leader |
That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier
today.
Kindly read every second line (i.e.. 1, 3, 5, 7, ...) for my true assessment of him.
Regards,
Derek Crabb
Project Leader
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing, and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said, immediately, and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please?"
"What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran that stop sign back there."
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and then proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."
The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
When Yossi gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town an nobody really bothered him. One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held up a twenty dollar bill and said "who ever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars." All of the kids called out their guesses.
One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country." "That's excellent" said the teacher.
Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves." "That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.
One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France." Another excellent choice said the teacher.
Then Yossi raised his hand. So the teacher called on Yossi. "Yes Yossi, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?" And Yossi said "Jesus Christ." The teacher was shocked. "Yossi," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Yossi should get the twenty dollars." And she handed Yossi the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. And so she asked Yossi why he said Jesus. Yossi said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business is business."
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken aback, and requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest." The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow any money?
The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
A guy was visiting his country local pub and he was the only person there, so he started chatting to the landlord about the lack of trade. He said to the barman that for $50 he would fill up his bar with costomers and the landlord agreed. The guy went away and came back 30 minutes later with a dancing duck. The duck was on top of a round flat biscuit tin and his little feet were tapping away constantly. Sure enough, all the word spread around the village and by Saturday evening the bar was totally filled. It seemed that everyone wanted to see this dancing duck.
On the Sunday the guy went back to the bar and asked for his money and was duly paid as per the agreement. But the landlord said: "Wonderful trade, bar was packed full over the whole weekend, but just one thing! How the hell do you stop him dancing? He was clattering on his biscuit tin all night long and I never got a wink of sleep!". The guy told him to take the lid off the tin and blow out the candle.
The Mattel Toy company, in conjunction with Paramount Studios, announces the newest release in the "Barbie" line, "Borg Barbie." Created as an offshoot of the Classic Trek Barbie and Ken line, Borg Barbie features the fun of Barbie and the excitement of the fabulously successful Star Trek (tm) films and television programs.
Borg Barbie comes with a complete Borg suit and SHE TALKS!!! Watch your children marvel as Borg Barbie says phrases like, "Assimilation is Hard," "Let's accessorize our implants," "Your shopping mall WILL service the Borg," and "Let's absorb some cultures!"
Recognizing a long-time deficiency in the Ken product, Mattel is releasing its new, "Assimilated Ken," with a complete line of attachments and accessories. Assimilated Ken comes "fully functional and versed in multiple techniques," to give your kids hours of enjoyment.
The Borg Barbie line includes the new Shuttlecraft that converts into a Borg Cube. The Borg Cube configuration features slots to insert Barbie, Ken, and the new "Modified Midge" and "Cyber Skipper" dolls. Join all four to create an invincible Barbie Collective that says, "We are Barbie of Borg. Resistance is Futile. You WILL buy accessories for US."
A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.
After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"
The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away.
The lion hollered after the elephant, "Damn, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off."
Grandma and Grampa are sitting there watching TV when Grandpa decides he's hungry for some ice cream.
"Hey, Grandma - I'm gonna' head to the kitchen and get myself a dish of ice cream. You want I should get you some, too?"
"Sure, Grandpa, sounds good. But you better write down what you're going out there for or else you'll forget." replies Grandma.
"I will not!" retorts Grandpa. "In fact, tell me what you want on it and I'll show you I can remember that, too."
"OK," says Grandma, "I'll have some chocolate sauce. But you're gonna' forget..."
Grandpa heads out to the kitchen and disappears for about 20 or 30 minutes, accompanied by a cacophonous banging of pots and pans. Finally he emerges, carrying a plate of scrambled eggs. "See there, Grandpa. I told you you'd forget!" chides Grandma.
"Whaddya' mean, 'forget,' Grandma? What did I forget?" demands Grandpa.
"You fool," says Grandma. "You forgot my bacon!"
It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed.
The leaders shook hands. Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:
"Private Jones! Front and center." Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander. "Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff." Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff. "Private Jones! Jump!" Jones just stood there, unmoving. "Private Jones! I said jump!" The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless. "Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!" Private Jones wailed out: "I can't! I have a wife--and a family!"
The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Reagan backed off in disgrace. It was now Gorbachev's turn.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and center." Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander. "Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff." Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff. "Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!" Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff.
By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured, but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher. As Dmitrivich is carried passed Private Jones, Jones cannot resist asking him: "Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?" Dmitrivich answered: "I had to! I have a wife--and a family!"
Reggie the gold prospector dies and goes to hell. He asks the devil, why am I going to hell? The devil responds: because there are too many gold prospectors in heaven already. Then Reggie makes a deal with the devil: if Reggis can get all the gold prospectors from heaven to move to hell that he will be allowed to go to heaven.
Reggie starts a rumor that there is gold to be found in hell. The rumor makes its way to heaven and all the gold prospectors quickly arrive to hell. The excitement is in the air! Then, though all the gold rush excitement, Reggie asks the devil if he could stay in hell. The devil, dumbfounded, asks him why since all the prospectors have moved to hell and that he is allowed to go to heaven.
Reggie's answer is: But what if the rumor is true?
A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed.
The store manager appologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
A man attending flowers at a grave site, noticed a very curious funeral procession entering the cemetery. First, there was a hearse followed by an open car covered in flowers. Then, a second hearse followed by a second open car covered in flowers. Next, was a man with a Doberman pinscher on a leash. Then, 75 men in a single file line, all marching with smiles on their faces.
The man at the gravesite felt his curiosity overcome him. He walked up to the man with the dog and said, "Please forgive me, but could you tell me why there are two hearses?"
"Why of course, said the man. "The first one is my wife, who was bitten to death by a Doberman pinscher." "And in the second, is my mother-in-law. She came to the rescue of my wife and was also bitten to death by a Doberman pinscher."
The caretaker asked, "Was it this Doberman pinscher?" The man replied, "Yes. We felt it only appropriate that he attend the funeral." The caretaker took a long breath and said, "That's a valuable dog you have there. Would you be willing to rent him to me for a few days?"
"Of course," said the man. "But, you'll have to get at the end of the line!"
There were these two horses standing at the bar. One said to the other "how ya doin?" and the other replied, "not so good... the other day I was in a race and there were so many GREAT horses and jockeys I figured 'screw it', I ain't runnin' this race and all of a sudden WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won by a head."
The other horse said, "no kiddin' yesterday I was in a race and the same thing... I figured 'screw it', I ain't runnin' and half way around the track... WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won!"
This greyhound walks up to the two horses and says, "'scuse me but I couldn't help but overhear you guys. Just today I was in a race and there were so many great dogs I figured 'screw it' I ain't runnin' in this race. All of a sudden WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won by a length!!
One horse looked at the other and said, "WELL, THAT BEATS ALL, A TALKIN' DOG!!!"
A telphone man joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why.
"What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?" "I was a telephone man," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!
"Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
A man is walking past a travel agents office when he notices a billboard announcing "4 day cruise down the Murray River - $40 all inclusive."
Impressed by the low price, he races into the shop, slaps $40 onto the counter and announces "I'm here for the Murray cruise." Quick as a wink, the travel agent whips out a baseball bat and knocks him unconscious.
When the man wakes, he finds himself tied to a floating log and drifting down the river. After a time, he notices another man in the same predicament on the other side of the river.
"$40 Murray cruise?" he calls out. "Yep!" says the man on the other side. "I'll bet you we don't even get breakfast," he yells. "Well," calls the other man, "we did last year."
A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins verses Commr. of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?"
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him.
"I believe it's your radiator," said the cow.
The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field.
The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly.
"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.
"Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars."
Pickles will kill you! Every pickle you eat brings you closer to death. It is amazing that the modern thinking man has failed to grasp the significance of the term "in a pickle." Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucumis Sativus possesses indecent pep, the pickle industry continues to expand. Pickles are associated with all of the major tragedies of the body. Eating them breeds wars and Communism. They can also be related to most airline tragedies. Auto accidents are caused by pickles. There exists a positive relationship between crime waves and consumption of this fruit of the curcurbit family.
For example:
Evidence points to the long term effects of pickle eating:
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus." I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like." The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri." "It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen." Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again." When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red. Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care. So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy gallivanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the class.
Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a descent grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this ass standing in the front of the room barking out how much time was left before the tests had to be handed in didn't help him at all. He figured he wanted to assure himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said "pencils down and submit your Scantron sheets and work to piles at the front of the room".
Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty... almost an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam.
"What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of papers while he waited) It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard time.
"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the professor gloated, "Your exam is an hour late. You've FAILED it and, consequently, I'll see you next term when you repeat my course."
The student smiled slyly and asked the professor "Do you know who I am?"
"What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student showed no sign of emotion.
The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?"
"NO", snarled the professor.
The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".
The dude replies "A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe 3 times as fast!
The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be, thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
Whoooooooshhhhhhhh Ka-BbbbblaaaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car,demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out and, jeezus to betsy, it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!
"Captain, captain, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It`s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy`s armada were approaching!
"Captain, captain, we`re in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown pants!"
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There's a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
One sunny day, a man was walking down the street when a truck came flying by and hit a bump in the road. As the truck sped away a crate fell off. Excitedly the man ran over to see what was in the crate.
The man open the crate and was stunned to see a pig. The man didn't know what to do so he asked a police officer for some advise. The officer suggested that the man take the pig to the local zoo.
A few days later while the police officer was directing traffic, he noticed this same man driving by in a car. The officer motioned to the man so he could find out if everything when well with his advice.
The officer walked up to the car and was stunned to see sitting next to the man... the pig! The pig was sitting upright, with his seat belt on, wearing a baseball cap. In between them sat a six pack of soda and some popcorn. "Good afternoon officer!" the man said. The pig looked over and gave a couple polite snorts.
The stunned officer asked the man, "I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!" The man replied, "Oh, I did, and we had so much fun today that we're going to the ballgame!!"
So you want to take the day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available for work.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 48 days leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.
We offer 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves you only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!!!
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."
"No," she cries, "It's too far."
"I play football, I can catch him."
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
Every night Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug nearly beat the life out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much," the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
An electrician, a carpenter and a brick layer are on a building site eating their lunch. The first one opens his lunchbox and exclaims, "I don't believe it - tuna sandwiches again!! If I get tuna tomorrow, I'm going to climb up the scaffolding and jump off!"
The carpenter opens his lunchbox and exclaims "Would you believe it - cheese sandwiches again! If I get cheese tomorrow, I'm going to climb up the scaffolding and jump off!"
The bricklayer opens his lunchbox and exclaims "Oh no - ham sandwiches again! If I get ham tomorrow, I'm going to the top and jumping off as well!"
The next day, they all sit down to lunch. the electrician opens his lunch. "I don't believe it - tuna!" Goes up the scaffolding, jumps off, dead.
The carpenter opens his. "Oh no - cheese!" Climbs up, jumps off, dead.
The bricklayer opens his. "Oh no - ham!" Climbs up, jumps off, dead.
Week later the funeral takes place. The priest is comforting the widows. The electrician's widow is crying and says to him " I don't understand it. If only he had told me, I would have given him something different!"
Priest goes to carpenter's widow. "I don't understand it either, if he had told me I would have packed something different!"
Bricklayers widow is crying and exclaims " I REALLY don't understand it, mine made his own sandwiches!!
A woman of a certain age is walking down the street when she hears a voice say "You will live to be 105." She attempts to ignore the voice, but it continues and she finally figures out it is God, speaking to her. The woman figures if she is going to live such a long life, she is going to look good, so she takes advantage of every trick known to the modern medical world. Breast lift, tummy tuck, face lift, liposuction, the works.
About six months later, she is again walking down the street, she steps out off the curb and gets flattened by a bus. When she arrives at the pearly gates she demands of God "Why did you have me die when less than a year ago you told me I was gonna live to be 105?" God replies "I didn't recognize you..."
A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it.
God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance.
She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?" To which God replies, "To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you."
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the dried, wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for Revenue Canada."
A three legged dog limped into Dry Gulch, sending the residents scurrying for cover. He ambled slowly (very slowly) over to the saloon and menacingly swung open the bar doors. The raucous room grew quiet as the crowd surveyed the dog, and he sidled up to the bar. He ordered a double whisky, which he quickly swallowed.
Moments later, the sherriff entered the bar, looking for the newly arrived stranger. The saloon patrons, fearing a gun battle, qickly made for the exits. The sherriff looked the dog up and down and then said to the dog "We don't get too many dogs in these parts, what brings you to Dry Gulch?" The three legged dog replied, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
Two French Canadians walk into a pet store. Right away they go over to the exotic bird section. Jean-Marc says to Jean-Pierre "Dats da one we want over dere eh?" "Dats them" says Jean-Pierre.
The store clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yea Wheel take four of dem dere bird in dat cage up dere," says Jean-Marc, "put dem in a paper bag". The clerk does and the two guys leave the store.
They get into Jean-Marc's truck and drive for three hours until they are high up in the hills and stop at the face of a large cliff with a 500 foot drop. "Dis look like a good place eh?" says Jean-Pierre. "Oh yea Dis it look good," replied Jean-Marc. They flipped a coin and Jean-Marc wins the toss, "Tabernac I guess me I got to go first eh?" says Jean-Pierre.
Jean-Pierre takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders, and jumps off the cliff. Jean-Marc watches as his buddy drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud SPLAT. As Jean-Marc looks over the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Screw dis. Dis Budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the Patch!"
A graduate student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the each with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the professor. The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
One day, an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
An interoffice softball game was held every year with the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just HOW the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1996 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I sure didn't!"
Two Vampire Bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and find some blood." "We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.
"Where did you get the blood?" asks the other bat. The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
The Symphony Orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. There is an extensive section where the bass players don't play for 20 minutes or so. One of them decided that, rather than stand around on stage looking bored and stupid, they'd all just file offstage during their tacit-time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play. On the night of the performance, the bass players filed off as planned. The last one had barely come off stage when the leader suggested "Hey, we've got 20 minutes, let's run across the street to the bar for a few!" This idea was met with great approval, so off they went, tuxedos and all, to loosen up.
15 minutes and few rounds later, one of the bass players said "Shouldn't we be heading back -- it's almost time." But the leader announced, "Oh don't worry, we'll have some extra time -- I played a little joke on the conductor. Before the performance started, I tied string around each page of his score so that he'd have to untie each page to turn it. The piece will drag on a bit. -- We've got time for another round!"
So another round they did, and finally - sloshed and staggering - they made their way back across the street to finish Ludwig's 9th. Upon entering the stage, they immediately noticed the conductor's haggard, drawn, and livid expression. "Gee," one queried, "why do you suppose he looks so tense?" "You'd be tense, too," laughed the leader. "It's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!"
Sitting Bull had 3 wives who were always quarreling about who should be number one. One was pretty, one was clever, and one was very strong. Finally, tired of their squabbles he told his medicine man to resolve the issue. The medicine man took the wives to his teepee where he had gathered pelts and hides from all over the world. He told each wife to choose a hide and sit on it in front of the sacred campfire.
The pretty wife chose a pelt of thick white fur, the strong wife chose a hide of orange and black stripes and the clever wife chose a hide of rubbery gray leather. The medicine man then pointed to the clever wife and said, "Behold chief, your number one wife." The chief was pleased, but the other two wives demanded an explanation. The medicine man said, "Even the ancient ones knew that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides."
HINT: In a right-angled triangle "the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides."
Two fellows grew up in the mountains, and when they were grown, one of them said he was going up North to seek his fortune. The other one said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents. The one up North became a salesman, soon was sales manager, and then vice president and president of the company. Before long, his business was bought out by a big company out West. In a little while, he became president of the parent company.
One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, "Daddy died, and the funeral is this Friday." He said, "Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big merger meeting in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy the best funeral you can get and send the bill to me. It's the least I can do."
Well, the brother did that, and in a few weeks, the successful brother received a bill for $6,000, and he paid it. The following month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking they had forgotten something, he paid it. The next month, another bill for $100 came, and he paid that one, too. When another $100 bill arrived the third month, he called his brother and asked if why he was getting these bills.
"Oh, yes," the brother said, "I think I know. See, when we got Daddy all dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and since you said you wanted the best, we rented him a tuxedo."
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
Three brothers in Ireland used to frequent a local pub. Then one moved to America and another to Australia. The lone brother left still went to the pub, but now ordered three beers, taking a sip from each in turn. The patrons watched him go through this ritual for some time before one of them asked why. "One's for my brother in America, one's for my brother in Australia, and one's for me," he replied.
Ather this explanation, the fellow didn't show up at the pub for a month. Then he appeared again and ordered just two beers. He drank from one, then the other. One of the patrons went over and extended his condolences for the man's bereavement. "What bereavement?" the chap asked. "Well, the loss of one of your brothers," the patron replied.
"My brothers are alive," the fellow corrected. He held up one glass. "This is for my brother in America." He held up the other. "This is for my brother in Australia. And I quit drinking."
This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and the Canadian authorities off Newfoundland in Oct 1995. It was reprinted in the Memorial University campus paper after its release by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct 10/95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
NFLDER: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
NFLDER: NO. I say again, you divert your course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE PRONTO!
NFLDER: This is Cape Spear lighthouse. YOUR CALL Captain!!
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky.
"You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks.
"As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts.
"I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No," the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishoners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them." He felt a bit apprehensive but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and barked "Here Soap! Here Water!"
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'" Grandma said to her grandson, "I'd almost be willing to bet that those soldiers weren't paratroopers..... The coffee would have been good 'till the last drop."
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in a world that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the United Nations' Charter. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?" "Sand,"said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the gaurd happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the gaurd. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!"
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
A businessman needed to employ a quantitative type person. He wasn't sure if he should get a mathematician, an engineer, or an applied mathematician. As it happened, all the applicants were male. The businessman devised a test. The mathematician came first. Miss How, the administrative assistant, took him into the hall. At the end of the hall, lounging on a couch, was a beautiful woman. Miss How said, "You may only go half the distance at a time. When you reach the end, you may kiss our model."
The mathmatician explained how he would never get there in a finite number of iterations and politely excused himself. Then came the engineer. He quickly bounded halfway down the hall, then halfway again, and so on. Soon he declared he was well within accepted error tolerance and grabbed the beautiful woman and kissed her. Finally it was the applied mathematician's turn. Miss How explained the rules. The applied mathematician listened politely, then grabbed Miss How and gave her a big smooch. quot;What was that about?quot; she cried. quot;Well, you see I'm an applied mathematician. If I can't solve the problem, I change it!"
An out-of-towner walked into a bar and ordered a beer. Soon after, a bar regular came in and sat next to him. "Howdy, Gus," the bartender greeted the local guy. "What'll you have?" "I've worked up quited a thirst," Gus replied, wiping his brow. "I'll have a Waterloo." As soon as the barkeep set the glass down, Gus picked it up and guzzled it in one gulp. "Ahh," he said, putting the empty glass down, "that really hit the spot."
The vistor looked at his beer and then at Gus's empty glass. "I guess I'll have a Waterloo," he requested. When the bartender handed him the glass, the out-of-towner took a quick slug. "What's in the drink?" he demanded to know. "It tastes just like water." "That's what you ordered," Gus told him and, turning to the bartender, added, "Isn't that right, Lou?"
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport.
They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!" They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!" They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I farted and a house blew up!"
An American, Australian and a Canadian are sitting together at a seedy bar and each orders a beer. The American drinks his beer in one gulp, tosses the glass in the air and shoots it with his gun. He explains to the others that Americans can drink from a single glass because there is so much money in American.
The Austalian then takes his beer and gulps it down, tosses the glass in the air and shoots it with the American's gun. He states that Australians can drink from a single glass since there is so much sand in Australia.
The Canadian, not to be outdone, takes his glass and gulps in down, picks up the gun and shoots the American. He explains to the startled Australian that in Canada they can drink with a single American since they are so many of them in Canada.
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. A likely looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her. She worked out fine, was a good cook, as polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife. She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant." The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay." She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time." "Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house. "No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."
A magician had landed a comfortable job on a cruise ship. His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot would ridicule the magician after every trick, saying "Big deal, the cards up his sleeve." or "He put the ball in a hidden floor, the big faker!" One night the ship began to sink and while confusion reigned, the magician was just barely able to get to a tiny life boat with his beloved parrot.
For several days the magician and parrot floated on the rough seas. Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the craft just staring at the magician. Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot screamed "Okay, I give up.... where the hell did you put the god damned boat!!"
There once was a dog show to determine the world's smartest dog. Three dogs were in the finals. One dog belonged to a doctor. One dog belonged to an engineer. And, one dog belonged to a lawyer. For the finals each dog was given a bag of bones to see what it could make.
The doctor said, "Stethoscope, go!" The dog built a human skeleton. The judges were ready to award the trophy right then. But, they decided to give the other dogs a try.
The engineer said, "Slide-rule, go!" The dog built a suspension bridge. The judges were beside themselves. Which dog would they pick?
The lawyer said. "Loop-hole, go!" The dog ate the bones, got a percentage of all the tolls from the bridge and screwed the other two dogs.
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, circle and a triangle which the dog did with relative ease.
The accountant said that he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide-Rule". He told the dog to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide them into piles of three, which the dog did with no problem.
The chemist said that both were okay so far, but his dog was even better. His dog was named "Measure". He told his dog to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass, which the dog did correctly.
All three salaried men agreed that their dogs were equally smart after the demonstrations of each. They all turned to the Union Man and asked what his dog could do? The Local 600 man called his dog "Coffee-Break", and said, "Show these guys what you can do!"
"Coffee-Break" went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs then claimed that he injured his back while doing so; filed a grievence for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workman's Compensation, and left for home on sick leave. Three days later, he filed for total disability and retired with full benefits.
A man was driving up the interstate late one night when he was amazed to see a weird creature overtake him at a great speed. He accelerated in an attempt to catch up with it, but the creature was far too quick for it him and he dimly saw it run off a highway at an exit. The driver followed, only to see it jump over a hedge and disappear into some woods. Nearby stood a farmhouse; the driver stopped his car, walked up to the door and knocked.
The driver apologised to the farmer for bothering him and asked him about the creature. "Oh yes," said the farmer, "that's one of my specially bred three-legged chickens. I bred them so that when we have roast chicken for dinner, my wife, my son and myself can have a chicken leg each."
The surprised driver nodded and asked, "What do they taste like?"
"Don't know," said the farmer. "I haven't been able to catch one yet!"
Three employees of NOSC (an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician) are staying in a hotel while attending a technical seminar.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.
Harold's new job had him working really hard and late. He thought, "I should really get my wife a watch dog." He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman. The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you."
The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle. Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?" The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate! I don't believe it," Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate." "Karate?!" she yells. "Karate my foot!"
A son asks his father. "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." The father thought for a while and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"
The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."
"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"
The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit."
The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!" "What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!" "Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation!"
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets. "Another coincidence! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong. He replies, "What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Eleven!"
Three army officers were bragging about the bravery of their soldiers. They then decided to prove their soldiers' courage.
"Soldier," said one of the officers to one of his soldiers. "Jump into the crocodile pit and come out after five minutes." The soldier did as he was told, coming out proudly after the given time. "See?" beamed the first officer.
Unimpressed, the next officer shouted to his soldier, "Soldier, jump into the same crocodile pit and do not come out until 10 minutes have passed. Though a little afraid, the soldier did as told, managing to come out ten minutes later. "Mine's braver than yours, friend!" the second officer happily announced.
"My turn," the third officer said. "Soldier," he ordered his one of his men, go down that pit and come up 15 minutes later!" The soldier turned round and yelled at his officer, "You old fool! Can't you see it is infested with crocodiles which can kill us? Are you blind or plain stupid? You go down if you want - count me out!"
"Now," the third officer smiled, ignoring the other officers' surprise, "That's what I call BRAVE!"
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."
To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:
Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes.
Day 2: The "Great White Encounter." You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great White shark.
Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears." You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.
Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.
Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays." This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef.
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who offered a solution:
"The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job.", the salesman said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 and a half ... wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,"Let's see ...size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops & started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"
One day there was an American going in a BMW Car at 50 KMPH on a super-highway and enjoying his drive. Suddenly a Japanese came 'booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn'... on a Honda bike and peeped into the car and shouted at the American, "Have you ever used a Honda?" and sped off. The American was surprised but he did not bother.
After some time the Japanese came 'booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn'... in the opposite direction, peeped into the car and shouted again, "Have you ever used a Honda?" and sped off. This time the American was annoyed, since the Japanese was teasing him about his driving.
After some time the Japanese came back again at a very high speed and said the same thing, peeping into the car. The American was about to say something but the Japanese sped off. This time the American increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found the Japanese lying on the road, bleeding.
He got down and mocked at the Japanese, "What's this, buddy? Have you ever used a Honda?" The Japanese said "That's what I was asking you. I was searching for the brakes, you see."
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot muttered, "You mean... you're not the instructor?"
A man goes to a dude ranch to rent a horse. Upon getting there he is told by the owner that this is a Christian dude ranch and that the horses respond to special commands. "To make the horse go you say 'Praise the Lord.' and to make him stop you say 'Amen'," said the owner.
The man picked a horse, saddled it, mounted it, and said, "Giddyup." Nothing happened. "Giddyup" he repeated. Again, nothing happened.
Finally the owner came out and said, "I told you, you have to say 'Praise the Lord' to make the horse go. The man said, "Praise the Lord" and the horse immediately started up.
They were then having a good time on the prairie, when suddenly a rattlesnake shook its tail and scared the horse. The man now had a runaway horse on his hands and they were headed straight to the edge of a cliff. Frantically the man yelled, "Whoa, whoa." The horse kept going. He kept yelling "whoa" but the horse wouldn't stop and the edge of the cliff was closer and closer. "Oh, what's the word?" he yelled.
"Amen," he shouted and the horse instantly stopped, just in time. The man looked over the front of the horse's head and could look down into the depths of the canyon. Relieved and wiping his brow he said, "Praise the Lord."
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally got his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle with small brown balls in it. After discreetly getting some milk duds from his pocket, he then put the candy in his mouth and began making "mmm... yum!" type sounds loud enough for the other kids to hear.
The bus bully then snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills," Ken replied.
"Smart pills?" the bully sneered. He opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.
"Pweeuuweppblahhh!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!!"
Ken smiled. "See, you're getting smarter already!"
A duck hunter was out one day having no luck. He hunted the whole morning and couldn't get a single kill. On the way home, he approached a farm house, and flying over the barnyard was a big flock of fat mallards. Seeing his last chance for success, he took aim at what looked like the biggest one and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the middle of the barnyard. As he neared the barnyard and the dead duck, the hunter could see he'd got himself a beauty. But when he was a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer emerged from the barn, scooped up the duck and headed for his house.
"Hey!" said the hunter. "Come back with my duck!"
"Your duck?" returned the farmer. "It was laying in my barnyard. It's MY duck."
"No! No! You don't understand! I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It's mine!" shouted the hunter.
"Okay, city fella. We'll settle this the country way," said the farmer.
"Country way? What's that?" said the hunter.
"We take turns hitting each as hard as we can," said the farmer. "Last man standing wins the duck. That is, unless you're yella."
"Of course I'm not," said the hunter. "Country way it is."
"Fine," said the farmer. "Since we're on my property, I'll go first."
Hunter: "Suits me."
With that, the farmer took a half step back, steadied himself, and kicked the hunter square in the crotch as hard as humanly possible. The hunter screamed like an animal for 15 minutes. He curled up in a ball, turned three shades of purple and nearly died. After a full half-hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightened up and gasped, "Now... my... turn..."
The farmer replied: "Nah, I give up. Here's your duck."
Stalin is dying, and summons Comrade Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last few words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "Comrade, the reins of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
"Yes, yes, Great Leader, what is it?" says Khruschev.
Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produces two envelopes marked 1 and 2. "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things start going badly, open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, even after that, if things start going REALLY badly, open the second one." And with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
Well, Khruschev succeeded him, and sure enough, within a few years things started going badly -- unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. Nikita decided it was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" So Khruschev launched a massive de-Stalinization campaign, and blamed Josef for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system, and bought himself some time that way.
But things continued on the downslide -- Kennedy successfully rebuffed Soviet missiles in Cuba, unemployment increased even more, crops failed even more, the Politburo was unhappy with Khruschev's leadership and upstarts like Brezhnev and Gromyko were threatening his credibility. So finally, after much deliberation, Nikita opened the second letter. All it said was:
Write two letters.
Comrade Stalin
Paul and Frank decided to build a bungee jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, to make a little money. After they got it set up, they noticed the crowds gather, but nobody bought tickets. Paul tells Frank, "Maybe we should demonstrate it, so they'll get the idea." After Frank is strapped in, he jumps, falling almost all the way to the ground before springing back.
As Frank came back up, Paul noticed that his clothes were all torn and wondered what this was all about. Frank went down again, bouncing as jumping this way does, and this time when he came back up, Paul noticed that Frank was bleeding. Paul thought, "Wow, what's going on here? Is the cord too long? Is he touching the ground?"
Frank bounced back down for a third time, and this time when he sprang back up, Paul noticed that he had blood contusions and cuts all over his body. "Huh?!" Paul pulled Frank in and said, "Frank, what happened?" Frank groaned out in obvious pain, "I don't know..., but what's a pinata?"
A man went to Mexico for a trip with a friend. He decided to try out bungi jumping for the first time. While his friend waited up top, he took his first jump. When he went back up to the top, he looked a little dazed, but said he wanted to try it again. The next time he came back up, he had a fat lip and a bloody nose. His friend asked if he was ok, and if the cord was too short, but he said no, and wanted one more try. When he climbed back up from his final jump, he looked really beat up.
He turned to his friend and said; "What's a pinata?"
A man walked up to the counter in the local 7-11. "Can I help you?" asked the clerk.
"Yes, please put all the cash in this bag." The clerk looked around and said, "You don't have a gun." "No, but I've got this 2x4." "You're not going to rob me without a gun."
WHAP! The robber hits the clerk in the head with the 2x4. "Now, just give me the money!" "You're not going to rob me without a gun, or a knife or something!" WHAP! The robber hits him on the other side of the head with the 2x4.
The clerk picks himself off the floor, opens the cash drawer and puts all the money in a paper bag. He hands it to the robber who starts to leave. "Wait!" says the clerk, pulling out his wallet and handing the robber a fist full of cash. "Here, go buy yourself a gun. You're going to hurt some body with that damn 2x4!"
Two groups of students - math and engineering majors - boarded a train that was headed for a technical convention. Each of the math majors had a ticket, but their engineering counterparts had only one ticket among them.
The math majors were snickering at this when an engineering student shouted, "Here comes the conductor!" With that, all the engineering majors squeezed into a bathroom. The puzzled math students watched the conductor collect their tickets, then knocked on the bathroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The conductor took the single ticket that was passed under the door and left.
Not to be outdone, the math students boarded the returning train with only one ticket, and again they laughed because this time their rivals had not ticket at all.
When the engineering lookout yelled, "Conductor coming!" all the engineers crowded into the one bathroom, while the math majors piled into another. Then, before the conductor entered the car, one engineer came out of his bathroom and knocked on the math majors' door.
"Ticket, please,*quot; he said.
Fred, a mite slow, had won the lottery and a friend suggested he go to Mexico for a vacation to get away from the Saskatchewan winter. "Sounds good," said Fred, "but I don't speak Spanish."
"Doesn't matter," said his friend, "they're used to Canadians and Americans who only speak English. Just speak slowly and they'll understand."
Fred flew to Mexico City and stopped at the first bar he came to. "I-'-l-l h-a-v-e a b-e-e-r, p-l-e-a-s-e."
The barender got the beer, put it in front of Fred and asked equally slowly, "W-h-e-r-e a-r-e y-o-u f-r-o-m?"
"S-a-s-k-a-t-c-h-e-w-a-n," replied Fred.
"F-u-n-n-y," said the bartender, "s-o a-m I."
"W-e-l-l," said Fred, "i-f y-o-u-'-r-e f-r-o-m S-a-s-k-a-t-c-h-e-w-a-n, t-o-o, w-h-y a-r-e w-e s-p-e-a-k-i-n-g S-p-a-n-i-s-h?"
After taking his seat on a plane, a mild-mannered man was startled to see a parrot strapped in next to him. Choosing to ignore the bird, he asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee. "And get me a whisky, now!" the parrot ordered rudely. A few moments later the attendant returned with the whisky, but no coffee. "Hey, lazy," the parrot cried out after draining his glass, "another whisky!"
Again, the attendant hurried to bring the parrot his drink but forgot to coffee. Upset at being ignored, the man decided to try the parrot's approach. "Hey, you!" he yelled at the attendant. "Coffee, now, or you'll never work for this airline again!"
A moment later a burly copilot cam back, grabbed the man and the parrot and tossed them out the plane door. As they plunged downward, the parrot turned to the man and said: "That was really gutsy, mister. Especially for someone who can't fly."