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Support Shelter for Abused Women
(regardless of orientation)
Web Site Project dedicated to stop violence
Web site dedicated to stop violence in any form with emphasis on domestic violence between
same sex,bi-sexual
and transgendered couples.
HOW AN ABUSER CAN DISCOVER YOUR INTERNET ACTIVITIES
Web Page Links Advocacy and Social Justice
Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships page
Abuse or violence in a lesbian relationship is:
any behaviour which is adopted by your
girlfriend or partner to control you, which causes physical, sexual and/or psychological damage
or causes you to live in fear.
Pushing, biting, hitting, punching and using a weapon are all
forms of violence.
Forcing you to participate in sex is violence. Threats are forms of violence.
Physical violence, sexual assault and threats in lesbian relationships are crimes.
Physical and sexual violence are the more 'obvious' forms of violence, while emotional or psychological abuse is often harder to
recognize. Other forms of abuse include:
Driving unsafely when you are in the car to scare you, destroying your possessions,
threatening to 'out' you to employers, friends, parents or other family, publicly insulting or humiliating you, lying to you, making
you think you're crazy or stupid, controlling your money, isolating you from friends or family,
hurting your children or pets, blackmail, treating you like a servant, threatening murder or suicide, drugging you, creating a sense of
impending punishment.
Lesbians often say these are the most insidious forms of violence and abuse because they are difficult
to explain and are often regarded as 'ordinary relationship problems'.
You deserve to live and love free from violence and
abuse.
If you have been in an abusive relationship, you may feel:
Afraid to tell anyone. You might feel particularly alone or isolated if your friends or family don't know or don't accept that you are a lesbian.
Depressed or humiliated
Afraid you have failed as a lover
Guilty about leaving her or scared of coping alone
Furious that she could do or say what she did
Confused because sometimes she is loving and kind
Guilty about leaving her
Frustrated and sad because you tried everything
Afraid of continued violence if you leave
Panicked that you may lose your lesbian identity outside a relationship
Worried about your financial security
Made to believe that you deserved it
It may be helpful to look at some of the ways you've coped until now:
You've been careful about what you say, when you say things and how you say them
You have tried to talk to her about her stress, drug use or moods
You have given up doing anything likely to upset her
You adapt your behaviour to what she says she wants
You have tried to make agreements or set
boundaries.
Give yourself credit for everything you have tried.
Never think her violence is your fault
You may believe you are equally responsible
for your girlfriend or partner's violence BUT you are not to blame
All violence and abuse has damaging consequences
Your belief in your own worth and your sense of
having rights and choices becomes eroded by constant abuse.
You have a right to be safe.
You deserve to be treated with respect. Abuse is unacceptable.
There are many common
beliefs about why lesbians choose to be violent.
'She had a sad or traumatic childhood'
She drinks or uses drugs'
She has trouble expressing her feelings'
'She is oppressed as a lesbian'
She can't control her anger'
Something about you drives her to violence'
These are all excuses!
We all experience stress, trauma, anger, and fear but a violent lesbian chooses to use violence
to control and get her own way. She CAN control her violence but she chooses to control and abuse you.
She uses violence deliberately to weaken your choices to act.
Domestic violence is a crime.
Things you could do:
Believing and trusting your own feelings:
You may not have believed until recently that her behaviour could be
labelled
as violent.
If you feel scared and unsafe in her presence, then something is wrong. You are the best judge of how
safe you are.
You may not have told anyone about the violence.
You may have told
friends who have not understood your danger and distress.
Acknowledge the pain and grief that
the abuse has caused.
Ideas that may help:
Talk to friends, family or other people you trust. Telling someone can help you to feel less alone.
Or call a service for ideas and support. See Services.
Get friends or family to help protect you by being around when your
girlfriend is there. Have a code word or signal to let them know you need help.
Make safety arrangements such as
organizing a safe place to go, changing your phone number and locks, get someone else or an answer machine to take messages.
If you see her, try to stay in control of the situation (e.g.; try not to drink or use drugs, have your own way of getting home
if you are out, etc)
Have an excuse prepared so you can leave quickly if you feel uncomfortable.
Remind yourself that you
deserve to live in safety and that her violence is not your fault
Talk to someone at a service about legal options such as criminal
charges, or an Intervention Order which is a court order that can help to protect you. Physical assault, sexual assault, threats, and
stalking (repeatedly following or harassing someone) are crimes and can be reported to police. Lesbians can be supportive by:
Supporting the right of all lesbians to live safely
Becoming informed about violence within lesbian relationships
Passing comment if you witness behaviour you believe is abusive or violent
Listening to, believing and taking positive action to
support a woman who confides in you. Ask 'How can I help you?' or 'What can you do to make yourself safer?'
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