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Oh the pain, the pain of not
being able to breath. The pain of not being myself. What is myself?! I don’t
know… I feel so repressed. I just want to hide. I just want to run away from
what I’m supposed to be. What does that mean? Who am I? And if I’d admit
that to myself, could I possibly be responsible for my actions? Could I actually
honour my so called ‘life purpose’? What if I fail? What if it doesn’t
work out? Who will support me? Can I do this alone? It seems that I am so far
away from these dreams. In my mind they are instant, but in reality they appear
in a fog. I am lost. I am scared. I am lazy. It’s easy to just do what I have
to do, what I’m supposed to do. It’s easier to run from myself, from the
challenge of a lifetime. It’s easy to quit, to avoid. But it’s always on my
mind. I’m reminded by the music, by the look on someone’s face. I am
reminded from books, movies. No matter where I go, the world around me reminds
me of what I’m missing, and my potential. Can I fulfill my potential? Can I
live up to my own visions? I can avoid myself with TV,
movies, sleeping. I can numb myself with booze, drugs, sex, food and sweets. I
can tell myself that my unfulfilling job is wonderful, and that I’m okay and
everything’s just fine. Or… I can take my passions, my dreams and my
fabulous hobbies, and make them come to life. I can wake up in the morning like
I used to when I left home. Bouncing out of bed excited about life’s
adventure. I can feel passion. I can feel the blood in my veins bubble with
excitement! Or, I can continue to lie around waiting to die. Convincing myself
that barely existing is a life, that my simple routine is good enough to do it
the next day. Shouldn’t I welcome change in my life? Isn’t that where dreams
come true, by facing one’s challenges? Well,
if I’m going to face my future, and I’m tired a lot… maybe something from
my past is holding me back? Just maybe there are old feelings that weigh me
down, and burden me with either numbness, or pain. Ah
ha! That’s it. I must empty out that old gunk inside. Deal with it. Face my
old fears. Face the people that have disappointed me. I can be honest for once.
I can just admit I disagree. Or, what if I actually talked about what I needed,
and what I wanted? What if I talked about how I was hurt, how I still am? And
how about the love I have for them, and that I need to talk about all this stuff
because it’s eating away at me (that’s why I overeat)... and how I would
love more affection. How I want to say I love you more… and hear it more back.
How we could support each other to become better people. It’s
not too late. I’m alive. They’re alive. Yeah sure, I know they have issues;
they may never change. They too had a rough childhood. So what?! Do I have to
protect them forever? I
matter. If I talk about me, maybe they’ll talk about them. And maybe we can
work on us. I just feel something will improve. It’s got to. If you try,
it’s got to get better. Even if it’s just for me. That must mean that I’m
going to be a better person because of it. I won’t be so afraid of myself, of
the world. I won’t be so afraid of success. I
lie to myself and say it’s failure that I fear… but truthfully, it’s about
success. I know that if I face my fears, there will be no more excuses. And I
will be able to get up from that coach and go do something… anything. I’ll
be able to make it happen. I’m not sure what… but my life. And if I start
trusting myself, my body wisdom, I know I will be guided to make the right
choices. And if I make mistakes… so what. I’ll learn. I’m a good person. I
really am. I am worth the effort... I am worth the effort. I am. I am committed
to my personal empowerment. Yes I am! I
will start by talking with my parents. If I can be honest with them, I can be
honest with anyone. I will be okay, because I’ve got ME on my side now. If
this is going to be truly possible, I've got to start trusting myself. And with
that trust, I know I require help. I can't do this alone, I need support. I am
worth it!
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