igh King Eochy had this little brother. I never learned his name so let's just call him Spanky. Well, Spanky develops a real mega-crush on Etain as soon as he sees her the first time sashaying into the great room at Tara, on big brudder's arm. From that point, he does nothing but yearn for her... can't eat, or sleep, or do anything but suffer the burning yearnings for Etain. He starts wasting away and takes to his bed. Now, Eochy loved his baby bro as much as he loved Etain and so he sent for the best healer in the land to cure him.The healer walks in, takes one look and says, "Shit, can't do a helluva lot here! This boy's suffering from two of what we healers call `lethal pangs'... the big ones, too. Love and jealousy. Just better hope his will is in order, `cause he's wormfood." He was apparently a good healer but had a real lousy bedside manner; a rough internship will do that to them.
So the healer packs up his rattles and leeches and leaves. Eochy just stands there, gobsmacked. He doesn't know what to do. Must be he lost quite a bit of his magic after he became High King. Makes me wonder whether this is even the same Eochy. Still, he is High King, so he sends one of his bully boys out to shove a dull sword up the healer's ass.
But that bit of tender self-therapy doesn't make him feel any better. Spanky's still sick. He just lays in bed pissing and moaning and won't say what's wrong with him no matter how much Eochy begs.
Well, the High King really had to take a tour of his kingdom. He didn't want to leave, but he'd already put it off too long. So he asked Etain to watch over Spanky closely and send for him if there was any change.
Etain was a compassionate sort of girl and she was as anxious as anyone over Spanky's illness. So while Eochy was away, she spent long hours by Spanky's side comforting the poor boy, telling him dirty jokes and making kool-aid and Velveeta & cracker snacks.
She noticed that he seemed to show a lot of improvement after the time she spent with him. So she kept asking him what the cause of his feeling so shite was. Spanky wouldn't tell her any more than he told his brother... at first.
But one day finally, looking up into Etain's bedroom eyes, in a rush he blabs the whole story. He tells Etain that he's got a major life-threatening thing for her and that the only way that'll keep him from cacking out is if she'll plank him just once. Well, as I said, she was compassionate and she did love the king who loved his smitten little brother, so she agreed.
But only on the condition that it happen in secret and away from the castle. She wasn't going to cuckold the king in his own house, being the noble daughter of (strike the pose again)
But poor Spanky never gets his end away. He falls into a coma just before he's to leave for the date. Etain doesn't know this because she is met there by someone who is the spitting image of the Spankster.
Except this one is playing it coy and won't lay a hand on her--even though she moans seductively, and talks dirty, and sucks on her finger suggestively, and does a little striptease for him. No rise out of him at all. So much for that, she thinks. She gets herself dressed and heads home alone.
The next day, Spanky regains consciousness and begs another chance with her. After a short hesitation, she agrees again and makes another date: same place, same time. Same thing happens again. Spanky won't come across, it seems.
"Like I need this crap!" Etain clenches her lily white fists. "I'm the daughter of (thunderclap)
Next day, Spanky wakes up again, swears he doesn't remember a thing and still wants in Etain's pants. Well, Etain realizes something strange is going on here. She's not a total ditz... well, not all of the time. So she agrees to another date and decides she's going to get to the bottom of things, one way or another.
That night, she meets with Bizarro-Spanky again. And again he acts like he's not interested in bumpin' uglies, no matter how much she begs him for it.
Now, Etain's had enough. She reaches down and grabs this guy's nuts and says she's going to curse him with herpes and crabs and the dose and floppy weenie and necrotizing faceitis of the scrotum if he doesn't tell what he's messing her around for.
Y'see, women back then had all kinds of magic powers over a guy's riggin' when they had ahold of it (they still do, really), so this dude 'fesses up, big time.
Hold on tight. More to come...