ow, High King Eochy it seems still had enough magic left to get his posse over to the Otherworld and his army laid siege to Midhir's palace. They tried busting in every way they could, but Midhir repaired every bit of damage to his fortifications with magic just as soon as it occurred. Twenty long years the battle went on. And things were starting to wear just a bit thin for everyone involved. But Eochy wouldn't give over at all.Finally, the tired and beseiged Midhir called for a parley. It was accepted and, with a flash, Midhir appeared in the High King's tent.
"How the hell do you do that?" Eochy snapped at him, spooked.
Midhir said nothing, only winked and gestured towards the table and chairs in the middle of the tent. They both took a seat.
"Look, we've been at this a long time. I'm tired. You're tired. Everybody's tired," Midhir spread his hands. "Tell ye what I'm gonna do.."
Eochy leaned forward to listen to Midhir's offer, interested but suspicious.
"You think you know Etain pretty well?" Midhir asked.
Eochy pounded the table. "I sure as hell do!", he asserted, loudly. "She's my wife and queen!"
Midhir sat back and waved a hand absently. And fifty beautiful women appeared out of thin air around them, all completely identical and all of them appearing to be Etain. Eochy, awe-struck, looked around at them all smiling at him. Eochy was suddenly acutely aware that he'd been twenty years without a woman. Smiling, Midhir spread his hands wide again.
"Take any one of these Etains and go back to Tara. No funny business, now... One Etain only..." Midhir laughed. "If you really know her, you'll pick the right one."
Eochy glared at him, insulted. "Of course I know her, you thief," he growled. "There is only one true Etain!" He snatched a flask of wine and a goblet off the table and held them both out to the nearest Etain saying, "Pour for me, please?"
Eochy knew that there was a magical blessing upon the house of (look out!!!)
Etar the Hero (thought I couldn't work that one in again, eh?) which allowed only a woman of that line to be able to pour wine perfectly. Eochy watched this first Etain pour wine into the goblet, accepted the glass, took a small sip, then poured the wine back into the flask. He held them both out to each Etain in turn and they all repeated the ritual, flawlessly.When they were all done, Eochy drained the glass and knit his brows. Then he decided he didn't like the pattern and unravelled them. All of these clones had poured the wine perfectly, but somehow there were two that seemed the most comfortable with it. He studied both of them closely, but couldn't decide between them.
Damn that Midhir and his tricks, thought Eochy. He'd have to pick one of them now. 'Eenie meenie minie mo...' He stood up and took the hand of the one on his right.
"Well chosen, High King Eochy. Take her and go!"
Midhir and the other Etains disappeared instantly. Eochy put an arm around the shoulders of his smiling Etain and led her to the door of his tent. Pulling back the door flap he showed her triumphantly to his army.
"Our Queen is returned to us! Now may we return home in triumph!" the High King called out to his men.
If he expected a cheer, he was sadly mistaken. The men just muttered, and began to pack up their stuff to go. There was the sound of someone somewhere clapping slowly and sarcastically. Hey, twenty years is a long time... even for this basically immortal bunch.
They all trudged home wearily.
Eochy soon forgot all the trouble he'd been through and settled in at Tara again with Etain. And just over a year later, there was joy throughout all Ireland. For Etain had borne Eochy a child, a daughter of the High King and Queen that promised to be as beautiful as the mother was.
And Eochy threw a big party, bigger than the one he threw when he got married. Everybody was there: friends and relations, nobility and quality, fiddlers, harpers, jugglers, singers and storytellers, caricature artists making a few bucks, ugly ageing tone-deaf rock stars with their vacuous supermodel girlfriends, has-been actors with facelifts and brush on tans, loudmouth talk radio stars trying to make the jump to the big screen, the three witches from Macbeth, the guy who played B.J. in M.A.S.H., just about everybody. What a bash!...
But that cold Celtic rain came driving in and put a damper on things again. You should expect it by now.
Because Midhir still bore a grudge against Eochy for all the free work the High King made him give up during the boardgame ballyhoo. So he sent a letter congratulating Eochy on the birth of his granddaughter. It seems that when Etain swanned away with Midhir, she had a bun in the oven.... Eochy's daughter. And it was his own daughter he had chosen during the test in Tír Na nÓg.
Ooooh... that's gotta hurt!
The original Etain was still with Midhir in The Hidden Lands, dining on honeydew and drinking the milk of paradise. At this, High King Eochy totally lost it.
"Shatner! Get your fat ass outta my pool! The party's over! Get out! Just get out! Everybody GET THE FUCK OUT!!!"
He looked around the suddenly empty hall and spied his Etain still there. His wife/daughter, holding his daughter/granddaughter, eyes wide with fear. ("Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown...")
Cursing again, he yanked her off the throne and cast her out of Tara, exiling her along with the baby he'd suddenly come to hate. Then he grabbed a bottle of tequila, slumped down onto his throne and proceeded to drink himself to death... which, with tequila, only took a couple of days.
The Queen quickly found shelter with an elderly couple not far away and stayed there for a while, raising her daughter and making a few bucks as an exotic dancer, enough to pay for her schooling as a dental hygienist. She married a nice dentist and was happy enough the rest of her days.
Her daughter grew up into as great a beauty as her bloodline promised, though mortal. She married a hero (not named