The Music Of Life

Every Black Hole Contains Another Universe?

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 06:05:00 +0000

Every Black Hole Contains Another Universe?

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 04:11:00 +0000

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ..

Tell everyone to visit crang.com to make them smile.

Cannibals

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 05:38:00 +0000

Number One Son

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 14:44:00 +0000

It seems that the "Number One Son" position has been taken over by none other than Dr. Howard Irvine. Dr. Irvine is the infamous CDC field correspondent who is well known among CDC readers for such articles as "Bear Baiting", the "Friday Expedition" and "Bison Antiquus Occidentalis". I guess this is what happens when the real "Number One Son" sits on his laurels. Watch out Dr. Irvine, the world is a small place to hide...

Next week: Dr. Irvine tries to become the "Number One Brother"

Sawfish Lagoon

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 18:09:00 +0000

You've read the book and seen the movie, now play the game!

Play Sawfish Lagoon

The Amphidex

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 21:03:00 +0000

Or We Are Not Gods

So what's the deal with this Amphidex machine that the Free Press is raving about? It failed last year and it's likely going to fail this year. Doesn't anybody remember when they tried to break up the ice in the Red River last year and the Amphidex sunk to the bottom of the river? After completely destroying the engine, transmission, bucket and pontoons? How short do they think our memories are?

The Amphidex is being portrayed as a "floating backhoe". First of all, a backhoe does not float. Secondly, a backhoe doesn't have enough power to break fourteen feet of ice. It might be ok with a foot or so of ice, but that's it. What is really needed here is a course on geography which will explain to those who are interested that the Red River of the North drains to the north. Therefore there will be flooding from time to time because the outlet will always be frozen early in the year. Breaking the ice will do absolutely nothing no matter what anybody says!

I'm inviting anybody who's interested to head up the End of Main this week to have a look. We can picket them for all the diesel that gets dumped into the river and we can laugh when it once again sinks to the bottom of the river and is swept out into Lake Manitoba by the undercurrents. And as a bonus, our Asian reporter, Lionel Chang, will be on-site to answer any questions.

As photographed by Asian reporter Lionel Chang.

Next week, Ground Penetrating Radar - An Idea Whose Time Has Passed.

Fishing Survey

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 16:51:00 +0000

Click here!

Travel Contest

noreply@blogger.com (ford) — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 07:42:00 +0000

Fill in the blanks and win a free lunch with Goldilox.

Hi. My name is Goldilox and I am a _____ _____ . I travel quite a bit and I am currently in the region of ___ ______. I'd love to have lunch with you.

Due to overwhelming response and flagging interest this contest is now closed.

No winner No answer

Watch for the next contest "Spot the Blog"

Welcome Back From The Dead

noreply@blogger.com (prempel) — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 14:07:00 +0000

Fantastic, about time, finally something on the web that you can sink your teeth into.

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 13:08:00 +0000

Take our newest survey!

Click Here to take survey

We'll discuss the results next time on Importing Cars!

Hail to Mr. Cotter

noreply@blogger.com (ford) — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 06:36:00 +0000

Glad to see your back in business. How are the sweat hogs? I'll be out collecting souls for the next three weeks. So if I ignore you consider yourself LUCKY.

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 06:47:00 +0000

CRANG.COM is back with a vengeance! It's been a long time since a wind has blown through our fine site but after a few hundred oil changes things are finally back up and running. We're going to keep it simple and rely on the huge fan base (that was so unceremoniously dumped a couple of years ago) to post comments and suggestions... so let's hear from you! What do you want to discuss first? Let's get ready to RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUMBLE!

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Wed, 22 Sep 2004 05:12:00 +0000

The New York Incident
or This Is Skanderberg's Idea Of A Vacation??

Our Man On The Move is back at it. This time he's been touring New York and New Jersey, the two newest states in the Union. Here's a shot at the Blue Note Jazz Club in Greenwich Village - the perfect locale for Skanderberg. He is seen here mentally preparing for the John Scoffield (an extremely old John Scoffield, I might add) show later that evening.

This guy's a maniac. He sees more of New York in two days than most people see in a lifetime. One thing though, he's also a HUGE disappointment. No pictures of the Statue of Liberty??!!?? And where's that dump they call Joisy? Karl Skanderberg indeed.

As always, send me your suggestions (now a requirement for membership) for future columns on Crang.com. Next time we'll be discussing how Daylight Savings Time works at the International Date Line in Kronos.

© September 22, 2004

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Fri, 30 Apr 2004 05:04:00 +0000

Ghost Town
or Six Months Without An Update??

Crang.com is officially a ghost town. In fact, here is a recent picture...

Besides the vacuum, nothing of value is left. So what I plan to do is let it die a natural death. If anybody doesn't like it, let me know.

Lee Roy Miles sent a joke...

These three blondes die at about the same time and wind up in line together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter takes a look and says to himself, "Oh, dear;" but form must be observed, so he says to the first blonde, "I'm supposed to quiz all prospective entrants, but, given the obvious, I'm going to keep it really simple. What's Easter?"

The first blonde says, "Oh, that's easy. Easter is when the whole family gets together and eats turkey and gives thanks for a good year."

St. Peter sighs and stamps her papers with the big red "Rejected" stamp and points her at the down escalator. Then he turns to the second blonde and asks her, "What's Easter?"

After thinking really hard for a minute or two (please, no discussions of how long a minute is in Eternity,) she smiles brightly and says, "Oh, I know. Easter is when we all gather around the big tree and exchange gifts and sing carols to celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter winces and sends her after the first one. Then, after taking a deep breath, he turns to the last blonde and says, "What's Easter?"

"Well," she says, "Easter is the celebration, at roughly the same time as the Jewish Passover, when we commemorate Jesus' dying on the cross and being put into the tomb behind a big rock."

Now St. Peter is all excited and so he says, "And?"

"Oh,' She says, "and then every year they roll the big rock back and Jesus sticks His head out and, if He sees His shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball!"

As always, send me your suggestions (now a requirement for membership) for future columns on Crang.com. Next time we'll be discussing the real reason that giraffes and most African women have long necks in The Friendly Giants?

© April 30, 2004

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Sun, 23 Nov 2003 05:59:00 +0000

karl@skanderberg.com
or Who is this Scandinavian and why can't I join his club?

Before we get started with Karl, I've had numerous requests to bring back the Top Ten lists for which crang.com was long famous. For the record, the Top Ten lists are still here - they're just in invisible ink. To view them, stare closely at the green dot in the middle of the screen from a distance of about 3 inches from the tip of your nose to the dot. After about 10 seconds, slowly move your face away from the screen until the distance is about 7 inches. Immediately start moving your face quickly toward the screen and you will see the invisible text. Also, Karl Skanderberg is the codename for a very special Russian spy who will be cohosting this website over the next 4 weeks. Good luck Karl! Now stare at the dot!

The Top Ten Drawbacks to Working in a cubicle

10. Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box all day long.

9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.

8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.

7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese.

6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

4. 23 power cords - 1 outlet.

3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.

2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your coworkers.

1. You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit.

As always, send me your suggestions (now a requirement for membership) for future columns on Crang.com. Next time we'll be visiting the Incan ruins in what is now known as Bismarck, North Dakota in an article called Who Died And Made You King?

© November 22, 2003

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Thu, 16 Oct 2003 04:48:00 +0000

Glen Murray's New Deal
or Where Have I Heard This Before?

I had a chance to speak with the Mayor of Winnipeg, Glen Murray, who is gay. I asked him a few questions about his upcoming "New Deal":

CDC: Thanks for chatting with me Glen. How's tricks?

GM: You're welcome Rob. Please don't get into my sexuality.

CDC: No problem little fella. According to all the recent hype in the media, you're promoting what you call a "New Deal" for taxing the poor citizens of Winnipeg into the ground. Are you aware that Franklin D. Roosevelt is known for his "New Deal" and you're not even remotely in the same league as FDR?

GM: Well... umm... if I could...

CDC: And perhaps you could explain why you are attempting to resurrect the garbage tax again after it was soundly defeated 3 years ago?

GM: Oh. That. Well I... umm... are you sure...

CDC: And if your "New Deal" is so special and forward-looking, why are you still heavily relying on property taxes even though you admit that they are regressive?

GM: Is that what I... Are you sure... umm... let me... umm...

CDC: More to the point, when are you going to get off your fat ass and do something for this City instead of trying to come up with these ridiculous schemes just to make a name for yourself? You've made a name for yourself all right and I can't repeat it here. Are you still intending to enter federal politics?

GM: Yes I am. But... if you could...

CDC: Well, the sooner the better Glen. I wish you all the luck in the world. Then you and Sven can have at 'er. Or should I say have at 'im? Ha ha ha! Thanks for coming out Glen. We're done here.

As always, send me your suggestions (now a requirement for membership) for future columns on Crang.com. Next time we'll be talking to former Russian spy, Karl Skanderberg.

© October 15, 2003

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Fri, 10 Oct 2003 04:32:00 +0000

Strength and Wisdom
Back by popular demand - Bob Vila
or The Man of a Thousand Faces

I had a chance to speak with Bob Vila a couple of weeks ago. What an interesting man! He's got more interests than you can shake a stick at such as playing the violin, shooting pool and cruising for chicks in downtown Cambridge. He graciously agreed to tell me all about his life after This Old House in the following interview.

RC: Hi Bob, thanks for doing this little interview for crang.com...

BV: Howdy-doo, ah's Billy Bob Vila an' welcome home agin! Fry mah hide! ah nevah mind doin' interviews, Rob, it's how ah make mah money.

RC: Oh, we never discussed a payment for this...

BV: Jest kiddin' Rob. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. I've had so much heat on over thet Sears scan'al on account o' ah lef' This hyar Old House ah try t'joke about it a lot.

RC: Speaking of This Old House, it's been about 11 years since they fired you...

BV: Acshully 12. An' ah warn't fired - ah lef' on account o' ah pow'ful c'dn't agree wif whut direckshun PBS was takin' th' show. It started out as a home improvement show fo' avahage middle-class folks, an' inded up in bein' so't of a showcase fo' "har's whut yo' c'd does if yo' had money but on account o' yo' doesn't yo' kin allus watch us pretend thet ev'ryone has this hyar much money" show.

RC: You can say that again.

BV: I've also had a lot mo'e freedom t'promote Sears on account o' ah lef' PBS. Yo' know, PBS pow'ful takes thet no advahtisin' thin' a lot mo'e seriously than yo' reckon.

RC: Or a lot more seriously than you thought. Have you ever seen Norm Abrams since you left the show?

BV: No. ah nevah c'd stan' him pow'ful. He allus tried t'copy me - the bard, th' plaid shirts, th' gut...

RC: Speaking of the gut, I notice that you are in excellent shape these days. And it's not hard to notice, I must add, with the tight-fitting body suit that you're wearing.

BV: Thanks fo' noticin' Rob, it's been a tough few months but I've started doin' ads fo' Craf'sman excercise equipment an' ah thunk I'd better look th' part. An' it don't hurt th' chick ackshun eifer.

RC: The chick action? I thought you were married?

BV: ah's also celebratin' th' 10th annivahsary of mah show Home Agin on BVTV. It's hard t'believe it's been 8 years on account o' Riley lop off his finger.

RC: No kidding. What happened to Riley's finger anyway? Was it an accident on the set?

BV: Yessuh, but not th' kind yo' probably reckon. Riley an' ah were shootin' tequila at th' end of a particularly hard day on th' set an' one thin' led to t'other an' ah cut his finger off.

RC: One thing led to another?? What happened Bob?

BV: ah axed him eff'n ah c'd try out his noo circular sar an' less jest leave it at thet.

RC: Bob, what do you think of all these other home improvement shows that started up and rode the coattails of This Old House?

BV: Some of them is ok. Shet mah mouth! Like Men In Toolbelts. Them guys is a riot! Fry mah hide! But thet Hometime an' Home Savvy! Fry mah hide! Whut in tarnation a joke! Thet Dean John-Boyson, as enny fool kin plainly see... who does he reckon he is? Does he reckon we doesn't notice thet his wimmen cohosts is nevah the same? ah say git rid of Home Savvy an' brin' back JoHenrietta Liebeler t'Hometime. But Home Improvement ah liked, cuss it all t' tarnation.

RC: Speaking of Home Improvement, weren't you a little upset that they were basically mocking you with their show?

BV: Jeez, ah doesn't know. ah nevah pow'ful thunk of it thet way...

RC: Bob, most people know of you because of your dedication to safety and to educating young children about the safe use of power tools. How did all this come about?

BV: Huh?

RC: Don't be shy Bob.

BV: Wal ah doesn't knows about safety, but ah do knows thet Time-Life Books haf quite a number of fine series on fixin' yer home.

RC: Do you have any other interests that our readers might be interested in hearing about?

BV: Really, eff'n ennybody be hankerin' t'hear ennythin' mo'e in depph, ah reckon ah sh'd use this oppo'tunity t'menshun mah Fan Club. They haf all th' info'mashun about me an' it's a real value at $22 a year.

RC: Is that US dollars?

BV: Yessuh it is! Yo' folks in Kinada kin send a check fo' $28.

RC: $28 Canadian?

BV: Oh no. $28 South Car'linan, as enny fool kin plainly see.

RC: But to us that's $42 Canadian? Why is it twice as much to be a fan in Canada? And why does it cost anything to be a fan anyways?

BV: A man's gotta ett Rob. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. Besides, yo''dn't believe whut yo' kin find out about me eff'n yo' belong t'th' fan club. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker.

RC: What's in the future for Bob Vila?

BV: Mo'e of th' same. ah hope t'brin' PBS t'its knees in th' near future. ah's in talks wif Steve Thomas (th' noo host of This hyar Old House) to come an' wawk fo' me. An' ah's acshully in th' middle of th' Kinadian Billy Joeiards & Snooker 2000 Nashunal 8-Ball competishun right now - thass whuffo' ah's in town, as enny fool kin plainly see.

RC: Wow! No wonder your web site says you're booked through 2000. You're a busy man.

BV: Yessuh. An' ah hope t'be even busier in 2001. Th' busier ah's, th' less time ah have t'spend at home, th' mo'e time ah have fo' cruisin' fo' chicks. An' on account o' I've gotten back into shape, I've set mah goals on the 2004 Olympics in Athens.

RC: Wow again! What competition are you planning on entering?

BV: Oh ah's not interin'! Fry mah hide! ah's 58 years old! Fry mah hide! ah jest be hankerin' t'go t'Athens to see th' Olympics.

RC: Thanks for the interview Bob. Good luck in the future!

BV: Ennytime Rob. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. An' ah hope yer web site starts makin' yo' some money soon, as enny fool kin plainly see. It muss be awfully hard on yo' spendin' all them hours an' gittin' nothin' outta it.

As always, send me your suggestions (now a requirement for membership) for future columns on Crang.com. Next time we'll be talking to former Russian spy, Karl Skanderberg.

© October 9, 2003

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Wed, 24 Sep 2003 04:08:00 +0000

Strength and Wisdom
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
or The Definition of Success

The Sage of Concord and the intellectual center of the American Renaissance, Ralph Waldo Emerson, as preacher, philosopher, and poet, embodied the finest spirit and highest ideals of his age. A thinker of bold originality, his essays and lectures offer models of clarity, style, and thought, which made him a formidable presence in 19th century American life.

Born on May 3, 1803, in Boston, Waldo, as he preferred to be called, received a classical education at Boston Latin School and at Harvard College. Following in his father's footsteps, Emerson was ordained a Unitarian minister in 1829, but he experienced a religious crisis after the death from tuberculosis of his first wife, the beautiful and romantic Ellen Tucker, to whom he had been married only eighteen months. Resigning from the Second Church and journeying to England in 1832, he became friends with Carlyle, Coleridge, and Wordsworth, and began to formulate his Transcendental faith.

Returning to American in 1834, Emerson began a new career as a lecturer. The subsequent few years proved a roller-coaster of emotional events: the untimely deaths of his brothers Edward (1834) and Charles (1836); his remarriage to Lydia (whom he renamed Lidian because it had a more euphonious classical ring to it) Jackson of Plymouth and their settling comfortably in a new home in Concord, MA (1835); the birth of their children-- son Waldo in 1836, Ellen in 1838, Edith in 1841, and Edward in 1844; and the publication of Emerson's first major essay, NATURE (1836).

"To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one’s self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived—this is to have succeeded."

Gathering around him a circle of poets, reformers, artists, and thinkers who helped define a new national identity for American art--among them, Henry David Thoreau, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Margaret Fuller, the Peabody sisters, the Alcott family, Jonas Very, the Ripleys and the Channings-- Emerson expounded his views on the mystical harmonies of man and nature, the essential perfectibility of the human spirit, the unity of the human soul with the divine Over-Soul, and the values of non-conformity, intellectual and spiritual independence, self-reliance, and utopian friendship. A committed Abolitionist, a champion of the hounded Native Americans, a tireless crusader for peace and social justice, a supporter of educational reform, as well as a selfless champion of other creative geniuses around him--(his letter endorsing Whitman's LEAVES OF GRASS hailed the younger poet as "the most extraordinary piece of wit and wisdom that America has yet contributed"), Emerson's writings combine passion with a purity of prose. With Margaret Fuller he founded THE DIAL, which published Transcendentalist literature from1840-1844, and in the years between 1837-1844 he published his most famous works, THE AMERICAN SCHOLAR, THE DIVINITY SCHOOL ADDRESS, and two volumes of ESSAYS (1841 & 1845), which contained the influential pieces SELF-RELIANCE, THE POET, FRIENDSHIP, and THE OVER-SOUL, this last an outline of the tenets of Transcendentalism.

1842 saw the death of his and Lidian's little Waldo, followed by the birth of their son Edward in 1844, and shortly afterwards in 1847 Emerson again went abroad, this time to England and to France, while Thoreau remained in Concord watching over the Emerson family. One by one throughout the remaining three and a half decades of his productive, disciplined life in which he lectured extensively and continued to write seven more major works, Emerson faced the departure of those close to him with stoic faith: his mother in 1853; his brother Bulkeley in 1859; his comrade Thoreau in 1862; his Aunt Mary Moody, who had been a profound influence on his moral and intellectual life from childhood, in 1863; his brother William in 1868. The last blow came in 1872, when the house where he and Lidian had lived for thirty-seven years burned. To relieve his depression, Emerson's friends arranged for him to travel abroad in 1873, while they raised the funds and oversaw the rebuilding of the house and the reconstruction of his library--a gift they presented to the speechless poet upon his return in 1873. There he lived quietly until his death into his seventy-ninth year, struggling with a waning memory, but persevering with his daughters' help, in editing his papers and publishing his last two volumes, PARNASSUS and LETTERS AND SOCIAL AIMS.

On April 27, 1882, the great thinker died of pneumonia, caught some weeks before after a rain-soaked walk through his beloved Concord woods. The tiny New England town tolled the bell for each of his years, shrouded itself in black, and prepared for the onslaught of mourners who came from far and near to accompany Emerson to his rest on Poets' Knoll in Sleepy Hollow cemetery.

Click here to take the NEW Crang.com survey!!

The Top 10 Ways to Get Your Kids to Listen to You

1. Make sure your relationship is solid.
If your kids don't like you, they're a lot less likely to listen to you.

2. Remember that actions speak louder than words.
If your kids know that what you say won't be backed up with action, they'll more easily tune you out. Having natural consequences for not listening (toys disappear if kids don't listen and they're not picked up) has a way of having kids pay better attention.

3. Talk about listening to them.
Make it a point to discuss the importance of listening with your kids. Talk about how nice it feels when someone else listens to you completely and what a great quality this is.

4. Have a sense of timing when you talk to your kids.
Try to talk to your kids when they're receptive to what you have to say. If it's possible, avoid times when they're hungry, overly tired, or in the middle of something important to them.

5. Model great listening yourself.
Give them your absolute attention when they speak to you. Reflect back what you heard so they'll see how focused you were on what they were saying.

6. Each child listens in a unique way, get to know their style.
Your child may be a kinesthetic learner who listens and understands by writing something down or by walking through something. Find the way to reach your child in the way that works best.

7. Avoid lectures.
Many parents have a lecturing style that they are unaware of. Their kids are very aware of this style, however, and tune them out. Speak in a casual and pleasant tone that you would use when talking with a friend.

8. Limit TV watching.
Kids who watch a lot of TV tend to be more easily distracted and have a more difficult time listening. This may also help to improve your relationship when you spend more time with your kids!

9. Treat your kids like they're great.
The more your kids feel judged by you, the more shame they'll feel and the less they'll hear. See your kids as great and they'll listen as though they are.

10. Be genuinely interested in your kids' lives.
Ask them curious questions about what they're experiencing. When your kids know that you have a real interest in their life, they're more likely to look forward to what you have to say.

Question of the Day:

Q: What makes people sneeze?

Sneezing usually occurs when the nerve endings of the mucous membrane of the nose are irritated, due to a swelling of the membrane, for example when we have a cold, or when some foreign body, such as a gnat, invades our nose, or when allergy and pollen season strike.

Surprisingly enough, sneezing can be brought on (or out!) when the optic nerves in our eyes are exposed to bright light!

For whatever reason, the membrane is irritated, sneezing is a reflex act, completely beyond our control, by which the nose trumpets out air in an attempt to eject (and project!) the irritating bodies. Sometimes, however, this is accomplished only through multiple sneezes.

Medical science dispelled ancient beliefs concerning the out-of-control sneeze, and snuffed out superstitions in the process. Primitive people held the belief that a sneeze signified approaching death, and immediately assisted the distressed person by crying out "God help you!" Egyptians, Romans, and Greeks, saw the sneeze as an omen of approaching danger, or, on a more positive note, as a way of foretelling the future. Lucky ones sneezed to the right, while unlucky ones sneezed to the left. The moral of the story is to know your right from your left, and to sneeze in that direction, regardless of who is next to you!

Biblically speaking, sneezing meant a certain death, until Jacob nosed in and made a deal with God, whereby a prayer per sneeze cheated the grim reaper. Pope Gregory the Great, in response to the sixth century plague in Italy, carved out his place in history as being the one responsible for insisting that prayers, such as "God bless you!," be said in response to the deadly sneeze. He did not, however, order that tissues be kept close at hand to snare the airborne germs spewed forth by the sneeze.

And if you believe that...

As always, send me your suggestions (now a requirement for membership) for future columns on Crang.com. Next time we'll be revealing the secret to avoiding Big Brother Glenn's new RED LIGHT CAMERAS.

© September 23, 2003

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Sun, 17 Aug 2003 04:00:00 +0000

Strength and Wisdom
ANIMALS HAVE RIGHTS TOO
or PETA is Supposed to be a Sandwich

Crang.com proudly presents the second in a series by the infamous Dr. Alewishus:

Dear Dr. Bob,

The City of Winnipeg Council failed to ban exotic animal acts at one of their recent sessions and I for one am disappointed by their shallow politics. I too want these so-called animal acts banned unless the Shrine Circus performers make some major changes in the way they do business.

Take, for instance, the live tiger act. The absolute absence of professionalism displayed by these surly beasts had me ready to pocket my hotdog, grab the kids, and leave mid-show! The tigers growled, snapped and moved around the cage with the enthusiasm of a ten-dollar hooker, until it got to the point where I was wondering if these were Siberian tigers and not the French variety! A professional should be able to motivate him or herself and not need a man in tights cracking a whip and brandishing a chair to do so! And don’t tell me about how small your cages are either, some of the greats had to work out of broom closets; it’s called paying your dues! Hey, if you don’t like it, why don’t you go back to Siberia or China and pick up where you left off with that extinction gig.

Don’t think I forgot about you Mr. Elephant! One suggestion, maybe you’ve heard of it, it’s called bathing? Remember, this is show business - you are not a circus elephant, but an elephant playing the part of a circus elephant! Get it? You can take a break from the method actor shtick and have a shower now and then; staying in character gets old real fast - don’t you forget it! Besides I’ve found that if you smell good, you’ll feel good, and most of all you’ll bring smiles and not tears to the faces of those kids that clamor to get close.

Click here to take the NEW Crang.com survey!!

And while we're on the topic I think it’s about time we rattled their cages down at the Winnipeg Zoo. When the Zoo was free of charge I didn’t mind walking by empty cages and listless beasts, but if you want my money you’d better start earning it! Here’s my first suggestion: why don’t we take some of that admission money and buy alarm clocks and coffee machines for the nocturnal animals. Makes sense that if I can manage shift work, why not a fruit bat? Nocturnal,
diurnal, makes not a bit of difference when you’re pumped full of java and padding the wallet with a shift premium! Why not make over some of the cages along the line of 'switching cages'! We could do makeovers for some of the animals – stripes are sooo last year, and spots, puh-lease! We could do an odd couple theme by putting a hyena and a lion in the same cage; imagine the hi-jinx! There are thousands of ways to make the zoo experience more entertaining for people and animals alike, we just have to work together to make things better!

Dr. Alewishus

Editor: Speaking of penguins, if you don't like them, click here.

Question of the Day:

Q: Why do bulls charge when they "see red"?

Bulls do NOT charge because a Matador's cape is red. They charge because of the movement of the cape.

In Spain, a Matador will don his "Montera" (small black hat), bow to the Presidents Box, and then dedicate the bull to a spectator in the stands.

The Matador will start the fight with a series of passes, first from side to side to bring the bull close to his body, then high with the cape travelling directly over the bull's horns. After the bull is trained to charge the cape and it has reduced its area of protection to just a few feet, a Matador will show you his individual personality by the combination and variations on these passes. Some of the better Matadors in Spain will fight the bull from their knees or even kneel with their backs exposed to the bull.

And if you believe that...

As always, send me your suggestions (now a requirement for membership) for future columns on Crang.com. Next time we'll be exploring the reasons that the US has cut off ties with Canada. Is it just the Mad Cow disease or is the real reason Jean Chretien: The Puppet Master?

© August 16, 2003

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Sun, 29 Jun 2003 03:27:00 +0000

Strength and Wisdom
FIGHTING FIRE WITH FIRE
or The Essence of a Man

Crang.com proudly presents the first in a series by the infamous Dr. Alewishus:

Dear Dr. Bob,

Your column about the tyranny of our governing officials in regards to the forthcoming smoking ban caught my eye, and I felt compelled to reply. I can't say that I will miss the foul smell hanging off the feckless smokers who frequent my local watering hole, but I will lament the passing of the day when a 'free' citizen of this country, or any other – like Iraq - is no longer entitled to produce a fire for his own personal use! Think about it for a second: what is it that separates us from the beasts? If you’re not a moron you will realize that it’s our commitment to hygiene, our sophisticated use of language, our technological innovations, our cities, towns and villages unlike anything found in the kingdom of beasts, disco, the space race, and somewhere along the way you’ll think - our use of fire!

Why does a monkey smoking a cigar look so funny? It’s because only we humans have the wherewithal to handle fire and all those things fire-related. Think about how the humor escalates when the monkey smokes the cigar to the point where it needs to be butted-out and juggles the fiery ember from hand to hand. Fire defines us as men! Remember the myth of Prometheus, the man who allegedly stole fire from the Gods. Well if even a portion of this myth is true I have something to tell you! I’m a white male, and it’s in my nature to hang on to those things that I steal, be it land, money, ways of life, road signs, satellite signals or fire! Ban fire and Gandhi wouldn’t have been able to go to the sea to make salt!

It is apparent that what the Establishment is really trying to do is to take away our fire and not our cigarettes! I can’t burn garbage in my back yard anymore; I mean really, garbage! Who cares about cigarettes and second hand smoke? It’s a small price to pay. You want to kill yourself go-ahead have a cigarette! You want to work as a waitress and breathe in second hand smoke for thirty years, don’t blame your employer or your customers or the big tobacco companies; blame your guidance counselor! How will we band together and slay the monsters in our midst if we can’t get a few torches going? What if I have to warm my hands on a cold winter night? Will I be required to pick up a permit first? And when I can no longer handle fire with confidence and the dim, fading embers of matches well struck, like my memories, fade to black, will I still be able to call myself a man?

Recently an anti-smoking activist found out she had gone terminal with her cancer and so stepped up her tour of high schools around the country, ostensibly to get ‘her message’ about the dangers of smoking out, before she ran out of time. What kept her going until the very end? I have it on good authority that it was coffee and, you guessed it, cigarettes! Now that’s ironic Alanis! The brown shirts that organized her rallies had no qualms about it. Think about that! So the next time you hear the strike of a match and catch a faint whiff of something in the air, don’t hold your nose or screw up your face in disgust, for what you smell my friend is the sweet smell of FREEDOM! You can register my guns, my marriage and my dogs, but you’ll never register the hatred that I feel to those who would take away my fire.

Dr. Alewishus

The Top 10 Masks That We Wear

Introduction

We all take on roles and, too, craft masks to project to the world what we most want others to see. These masks can be ever changing and though there are times that they serve us well, a profound step into self-discovery can begin with two questions. What story are you telling with your mask? What is your mask protecting you from? Here are just a few of our familiar masks and some of the thoughts that hold the illusions together.

1. The Mask of the Victim
"As long as I wail about how helpless I am, well, I just don't have to take personal responsibility."

2. The Mask of Silence
"If I speak out I might cause someone pain or discomfort, might rock the boat, might actually have to take a stand or take some action."

3. The Mask of Blindness
"I'll refuse to see the things that are not working in my life and put a smile on that says everything is OK. Surely then, the problems will go away."

4. The Mask of Coolness, Aloofness
"If I actually revealed my feelings I would have to own them, experience them. Way too scary!"

5. The Mask of the Social Chameleon
"I want everyone to love me and approve of me; therefore, I shall be everything to everyone."

6. The Mask of "Busyness"
"If I slow down I just might have to face the fact that my life is out of whack."

7. The Mask of Stuck-ness
"I really want to change but 'I can't,' 'I've tried' and as hard as this place is, in truth, as long as I stay here I am in my familiar comfort zone."

8. The Mask of Morality and Judgment
"It is easier for me to see everyone else's flaws and shortcomings than to look at my own."

9. The Mask of the Day-Dreamer
"I am a visionary, a highly creative individual who thrives on planning extraordinary things for the future .. but please don't expect me to apply any of it to the here and now."

10. The Mask of Self-Sacrifice
"The way I earn my worth in the world is determined by how good I am at shelving my own needs to provide for the needs of others."

MMPI-3 (Abbreviated Version)

Please indicate TRUE or FALSE next to each of the following statements:

[True False] When I was younger, I used to tease vegetables.
[True False] Sometimes I am unable to prevent clean thoughts from entering my mind.
[True False] The sight of blood no longer excites me.
[True False] I think beavers work too hard.
[True False] It is important to wash your hands before washing your hands.
[True False] Recently I have been getting shorter.
[True False] When I walk quickly, I can feel my legs moving.
[True False] When I was a child, I was an imaginary playmate.
[True False] I believe I smell as good as most people.
[True False] As a child, I used to wet the ceiling.
[True False] When I grow up I want to be a child.
[True False] Sometimes I feel that things are real.
[True False] I have many enemies who secretly love me.
[True False] I think I would like the work of a robot.
[True False] As a youngster, I was suspended from school for attending.
[True False] It makes me furious to see an innocent man escape the chair.
[True False] I think I would like the work of a hummingbird.
[True False] My tongue has been depressed.
[True False] It makes me angry to have people bury me.
[True False] People tell me one thing one day and out the other.
[True False] I am easily awakened by the firing of cannons.
[True False] I can wear my shirts as pants.
[True False] I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today.
[True False] I always lick the fronts of postage stamps.
[True False] When I smile, people apologize.
[True False] It is hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room full of mice.
[True False] I never liked room temperature.
[True False] I line my pockets with hot cheese.
[True False] I can smell my nose hairs.
[True False] My dog is someone else's best friend.
[True False] Walls impede my progress.
[True False] My toes are numbered.
[True False] My best friend is a social worker.
[True False] No napkin is sanitary enough for me.
[True False] I've lost all sensation in my shirt.
[True False] It takes a lot of argument to convince most people that they are lying.
[True False] I try to steal other people's thoughts and ideas when they are not looking.
[True False] I was not very strict with my parents.
[True False] My sex life is satisfactory, except when I am with another person.
[True False] I get nervous when I handle $100,000 bills.
[True False] Most of the time I don't like to read newspaper articles about nuclear accidents nearby.
[True False] I often dream of Kate Smith.
[True False] I like to put chameleons on plaid cloth.
[True False] I am liked by most people unless they know me.
[True False] I believe I am following others.
[True False] I don't like any of my loved ones.
[True False] I salivate at the sight of mittens.
[True False] I'd rather go to work than sit outside.
[True False] As an infant, I had very few hobbies.
[True False] Some people look at me.
[True False] I often use the word "feh".
[True False] Sometimes I steal objects like medicine balls and aviaries.
[True False] I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
[True False] I never seem to finish whatever I

To submit your answers, press the Submit button : SUBMIT

Question of the Day:

Q: Are a donkey and a jackass the same?

Pertaining to animals, the answer is yes.

A donkey, an ass, and a burro, are all the same name for the same beast. Jackass, is merely the name for a male ass, while jennett, not jillass, is the name for a female ass.

The Ancient Egyptians domesticated the sturdy ass over 5,000 years ago, for use as transportation, and to transport their belongings and commodities. This form of cheap labor, of which there are many kinds, spread throughout the world, and uses of the ass expanded to include the skin off of the ass, the meat off of it's bones, and the actual export of the ass as a commodity.

The Somali wild ass, hailing from Somalia and elsewhere in Africa, is a prime example of the versatility of the ass, as these shy animals, living together in groups of 5-20, adapt well to the desert climate, and can exist on a diet of dry grass and shrubs. The over-depletion of the versatile Somali wild ass, however, explains its rarity today. Asian wild asses, for example, the Syrian wild ass, suffered a similar fate, and can no longer be found in Syria, and in other parts of the Middle East. Man has hunted the Nubian wild ass, a northeastern African type, once living from the Nile to the Red Sea, almost to the point of extinction. Certain groups are attempting to protect the few remaining asses from being hunted and killed.

The modern ass, a descendent of the Nubian wild ass, meets the same transportation needs in Mexico, and in Central America, as it did in Ancient Egypt.

And if you believe that...

As always, send me your suggestions (now a requirement for membership) for future columns on Crang.com. Next time we'll be again featuring a story from long-time reader and contributor Dr. Alewishus. Read all about it in Circus Animals: Are They All There?

© June 28, 2003

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Sun, 01 Jun 2003 03:20:00 +0000

Strength and Wisdom
WEBSITE UPDATE
or Do You Really Think I Have The Time For This?

I have had numerous complaints about the frequency of the updates to this website. I've decided to put it into the hands of the people where it rightfully belongs. Starting this week I will publish an article submitted by readers. If no articles are submitted, there will be no website updates. Simple. To start it off, we proudly present an article by the (in)famous Dr. Howard Irvine who was recently on an archaeological expedition in western Canada.

Hello from the vast rangeland otherwise known as south eastern Alberta. Yup... we made it... but it was touch and go as we passed through Saskatchewan with less than 1/2 tank of fuel and not a soul in sight. The last town before the border said next gas stop 114 km's - well it seemed to be a hint that I should gas up. I turned around and headed back to the Co-Op but to my disappointment the place was closed... after 6:00 pm you know. Well we continued on although that went against all my instincts. Lots of antelope and nothing else along the gravel road. It was over one hour and I was down to the last gallon by my reckoning and we finally hit a paved road. We checked our map and the next town was Elkwater (about 50 kms south of Medicine Hat) and we headed north in search of fuel. Finally we approached the town and the need fuel light came on... I said to my wife... this is it baby, we're making a stand in this place as we haven't passed a human or seen a dwelling in the last 2 hours! Well luck would have it that the town (collection of cottages) had a general store and fuel pump... but... you guessed it, the place shut down at 6:00 pm! Well luckily the place had a phone number and I called and the guy came down and opened up his store for us. He told us that even if we had found a ranch they wouldn't have given us any gas. Nice friendly type these people. Might get some dinos later this week but I think I'll keep closer to the Trans Canada Hwy.

Your Trusting Field Correspondent

Dr. Irvine ended up finding some Indian arrow heads and a dinosaur bone. He snatched them from Dinosaur Provincial Park which wasn't open for the season yet. He is planning another expedition and is looking for volunteers to help out. Please send him an e-mail at drirvine@crang.com if you're interested.

The Top 10 Ways that Complications Keep You Stuck

Introduction

Do you ever notice that life seems excessively complicated? Do you ever wonder why? Because we make it complicated. Many of us have been taught that things are supposed to be complicated, that things are suppose to be a struggle, that things are painful and that this is how we grow. But in actuality, this is what keeps us stuck, standing in place, and distracted from creating the life we want.

All these complications are covering up who you are, and what you want. Here are a list of common complications and some strategies to remove them from your life. Removing roadblocks will create opportunities to take your life in the direction you choose.

1. Time
This is the number one complication that we throw up. We don't have time to exercise, we don't have time to clean out our closet, and we don't have time to spend with ourselves. How much time did you spend last week on activities that don't have meaning for you? Why aren't you as important? Make a commitment to yourself by starting small and take 15 minutes each and every day to work on whatever has been on your mind.

2. Clutter
It is so easy to get sucked into clutter and lose everything else along the way. Clutter keeps you distracted by taking up space and energy. We can't pay attention to what we want when we are in a chaotic environment. Start removing clutter from a small space, preferably the most favorite place in your home. Do you feel the easing in your body? Do you start to gravitate towards that spot? Do you feel a sense of peace? Keep expanding the circle so that your home becomes your haven.

3. To-Do's
How can we focus on the big picture when we have a continuous list of details taking our focus? Get rid of the to-do list. You will not forget what is important and needs to be accomplished. We tell ourselves that we have to do all these activities in order to sustain our lives but it is just a distraction. If it is a chore and you don't feel like doing it, why are you forcing yourself? Start by getting rid of at least one to-do and work your way up from there.

4. Struggle
This is both a sign and a symptom. Most of us are taught that struggle is normal and necessary to move forward. Is this really the case? When things are easy and flowing in our life, good things happen. When you are struggling, things don't go your way. So when you start to struggle it is a sign that you are working against your intentions. Use struggle as a clue for what is not working for you in your life right now.

5. Guilt
We use guilt for all sorts of reasons. Guilt is a very powerful emotion; it gets in our way and prevents us from moving forward. We use guilt as a way to keep good things from happening to us. Ask yourself why don't you think you deserve good things in your life? What can you do to change your perception? Examine your guilt, is it something you have control over? What is the root cause?

6. Saying yes
Helping people is a wonderful character trait, but sometimes it gets in the way. Helping people can also be a way of avoiding what you need to do in your own life. Sometimes you have to say no. It is difficult to work on your life if you are always putting the needs of others before your own.

7. Over scheduling
Somewhere along the way we have convinced ourselves that every second of our lives has to be planned out. It is hard to put our focus to new things when we have every second from morning till night filled. When we go on autopilot and are just busy doing we sometimes lose sight of the fact that some of our activities no longer fit us. Examine your activities. How do they serve you? Look at your schedule. Does it still make sense? Are you in a rut? Where are the opportunities to break out?

8. Shoulds
The never-ending list of all the things we should do. It's tiring just thinking about it. Here is a question, why? Why do you have to do all these things? Who tells you that this is the requirement? We have choices in life. Examine yours. Do things because you want to do them, not because you think you have to or you should.

9. Limiting Beliefs
We have many beliefs in life, both good and bad. Awareness of your beliefs is a key factor to changing them. A lot of times we are not even aware that we have a belief that is limiting our ability to move forward because they are so much a part of us it feels like who we are. Start to notice how you think about things and situations. Do you notice a pattern? When you see the pattern determine the belief behind it. How does that belief serve you both positively and negativity? Is there a different way to look at it? One that fits more with who you are and where you want to go.

10. Negative Self-Talk
The terrible things you say to yourself are getting in your way. Ask yourself, would you ever talk to another person the way you talk to yourself? All of that negative self-talk wears you down and zaps your energy. It is very difficult to work up the energy to change your life when you keep bringing yourself down. Start to become conscious of the things you say to yourself. Start to shift your thinking to thoughts that serve you better.

Question of the Day:

Why do we yawn?

THE TRUTH IS that we don't completely understand why people, or animals for that matter, yawn.

It's widely assumed that yawning occurs because we are tired or bored or because we see someone else doing it, but there isn't any hard evidence to support these beliefs.

Scientists do not purport to know all of the biological mechanisms of! the yawn, but tend to agree that a yawn is an involuntary respiratory reflex, which regulates the carbon dioxide and oxygen levels in the blood.

Technically, a yawn is the reflex opening of the mouth followed by the deep inhalation and slow exhalation of oxygen.

The very act of yawning is but one of a number of involuntary reflexes controlled by the spinal and nerve centers.

And if you believe that...

As always, send me your suggestions (now a requirement for membership) for future columns on Crang.com. Next time we'll be featuring some of the stories from long-time reader and contributor Dr. Alewishus. Read all about it in The Subtle Sub-Text of Crang.com.

© May 31, 2003

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Thu, 03 Apr 2003 04:10:00 +0000

Strength and Wisdom
KEVIN POLLAK: MAN OR MYTH?
or The Last Rights

Smoking in public is about to become a thing of the past in Winnipeg. Like the by-law that was recently passed in Brandon, a new by-law banning the use of tobacco in public places will come into effect on July 1, 2003. Is it necessary to protect people from themselves? Maybe. Probably. But like most new laws, it is fraught with problems that are only going to get worse as time passes. The biggest one that I can think of is where will the government get their tax money from once people start spending less on cigarettes? Obviously, taxes on the general public will have to increase. It has long been established that smokers and drinkers pay far more than their fair share of taxes in this fair country. It has been argued that smokers especially put undue strain on Canada's health system but my sources disagree. Smokers pay for all of their health care and more. Once the governments force people into quitting (a noble idea indeed), the government coffers will begin to run dry.

It has been said that smokers are the last of a dying breed. While this may be true, it is their choice to smoke. Studies that show that nicotine is addictive are fraught with inaccuracies and half truths. The facts are that nicotine is one of the least addictive substances known to man. People smoke because they choose to. Simple. If the government succeeds in removing one of the last rights of mankind, it will have succeeded in stifling our very humanity. I interviewed several people in Winnipeg over the past little while and this is what they had to say:

Several people were interviewed in the Charleswood Hotel. Many stated that they intended to quit smoking once the new by-law took effect. Other more die hard smokers say that bars just outside of the city limits will become their frequent stops. Bars such as the Headingley Hotel. So maybe that is where additional revenue will come from - stopping drunk drivers. In effect, the cigarette ban will promote drinking and driving because people will have to drive further than before to get to a drinking hole that still allows some freedoms. Other viewpoints made at the Charleswood included one that felt fighting would become the norm since smokers without smoke tend to become very agitated, very easily.
An interview I did last night with noted Hollywood actor, Kevin Pollak, was extremely disturbing. Kevin was in the Earl's restaurant on Pembina Highway (he's in town filming a movie). He went to the lounge area where he asked if he could smoke. The waitress told him he could but I reminded him that it would only be until July 1st. Kevin looked at me with hatred in his eyes. He responded that he was used to this kind of treatment. He said it was the same where he lived. I asked Kevin where he did live and he responded, "Only in the most @#$% anti-smoking city in the world, Los Angeles!" I told him that I had recently heard that New York was now smoke-free and he confirmed that it was. "You can't even smoke on the beaches in LA," Kevin told me. Imagine that! What is going on with a world where you can't head down to the beach, strip down to your skivvies, and enjoy the full-bodied taste of a Marlborough? I left Kevin to his vice before he got any more upset. Don't know who Kevin Pollak is? See some photos that I took of him last night here.

Stopping people from smoking is a noble idea. A sexy idea. One that will be met with little resistance. But who is it hurting? It's hurting the businesses who may no longer be able to stay in business. It may cause more drinking and driving. It will hurt every person when taxes are raised to compensate for the lack of revenue. It will hurt lung donors. And it is just one more step in taking away people's rights. Their last rights.

Question of the Day:

Why is it that if you tickle yourself it doesn't tickle?

There are so many external and internal stimuli hitting you at once that your brain has learned to filter them out.

The first ones that get ignored are ones that you do; which is why you probably don't notice your vocal chords when you talk, your tongue movements when you chew and why you can't tickle yourself.

When you are tickled, your laughter is the reaction that occurred because that ticklish feeling sends us into a state of panic. You most likely weren't expecting that person to sneak up behind you and tickle your sides, were you? This was probably a defense mechanism that developed in our cave-men ancestors to detect predators.

When you try to tickle yourself you are in complete control of the situation, there is no need to get tense and therefore there is no reaction.

And if you believe that...

As always, send me your suggestions (like that'll ever happen) for future columns on Crang.com. Next time we'll be doing a comparative analysis of the collective works of Kevin Pollak and Kevin Spacey. Are they really the same man? Read all about it in The Two Kevins.

© April 2, 2003

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Wed, 05 Mar 2003 03:54:00 +0000

Strength and Wisdom
WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD
or Reality Is For Dreamers

Courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes CBC Television*:

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel your Pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this.

We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Thank you.

*Please note that this is the opinion of Rick Mercer and in no way reflects the views of crang.com

The Top 10 Things You Realize As You Grow Older

1. Life is WAY too short, yet there IS enough time.
2. You come first.
3. That dying is only death; it's not the end of life.
4. How grateful you are.
5. How much more precious your health becomes.
6. That you enjoy being smarter/savvier and that you make fewer mistakes.
7. That friends and family are what matter -- not thrills, accomplishments or problems-solved.

8. That you fretted over WAY too much, as recently as yesterday.
9. That you've already left your legacy; there is nothing else you "need" to do.

10. That life happens moment-to-moment and that one can feel very, very rich every moment.

A Quiz for People Who Know Everything

There’s one “sport” in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
Of all the vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
Only three words in standard English begin with the letters “dw.” They are all common. Name two of them.
There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
Where are the lakes that are referred to in the “Los Angeles Lakers?”
There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls – a walk – is one way. Name the other six.
It’s the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter “s.”

To find out the answers enter your password here: __________

To receive your own personal password, please e-mail me here. Please include $1.50 US for shipping.

Question of the Day:

Why is it called a "hamburger" when there is no ham in it?

Why is it "Where's the beef" when it should be where's the ham?

The answer is really quite simple: because Hamburg, Germany made the first hamburgers.

However, the history of the hamburger is actually more complicated. Who actually invented the first hamburger remains a mystery.

Some say it was a group of nomadic people called the Tartars who tenderized their beef by placing it under a horse's saddle--flattening it into a patty. Others believe it was the German immigrants who traveled to the United States during the 19th century bringing with them their favourite meal called Hamburg Style Beef-- a raw chopped, piece of beef. Some argue Americans placed the first cooked beef patty on a roll at the St. Louis World's Fair in 1921.

And if you believe that...

As always, send me your suggestions (like that'll ever happen) for future columns on Crang.com. Next time we'll be examining the age old question "Smoking - is it really that bad for you?" If Glen Murray has his way, Winnipeg will soon join Brandon in taking away one of our last rights: blowing smoke in the faces of cocktail waitresses. Read all about it in The Last Rights.

© March 4, 2003

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Mon, 10 Feb 2003 03:34:00 +0000

Strength and Wisdom
COLD FISH
or Work Will Set You Free

Our field correspondent, Dr. Howard Irvine, has been planning an expedition to Lake Winnipeg. Here's a letter I received from him:

Well, Dr. Crang, I think it is time for you to devote some time and resources to the issue of the day...Lake Winnipeg and all that sewage being pumped into it from the City of Winnipeg. Actually, I was planning an expedition to the Lake this Friday and I think it would be an excellent opportunity to collect some biological samples and taste the coffee. Let me know if you are available and if you are a go I will set aside additional supplies. I expect we should be back in a week or so.

Dr. Irvine

Friday came and went and I never got any further information from Dr. Irvine. I had no idea where to meet him or what time on Friday or even what Friday. And since I am not privy to any of his personal information (address, phone number, etc.), it was a waiting game that I didn't have time for. Finally, I received a very strange message from another correspondent who usually deals with the paranormal. After reading her message several times it was clear to me that the message was in code. After I ran it through our famous code-breaking software, I was stunned to read that Dr. C. Scott had this to say:

I've been contacted by Dr. Irvine regarding a biological survey that he wants me to participate in. To say I have questions about his motivations would be an understatement. Two things concern me: the remoteness of the location that he is suggesting and his flagrant use of the title "Dr.".

I contacted Howard and he informed me that you would be accompanying us. The first reason for my letter to you is to confirm if indeed this is true. Have you been invited on the expedition to Lake Winnipeg? If you have been invited that will be a huge load off.

I also wanted to inform you of some important information that I have become aware of in the last few hours. Space Shuttle Columbia is due to return to earth in a few days and I have had several disturbing premonitions of disaster. The main ideas that float through my head are related to having an Israeli on board the shuttle. The French have never hidden their views against the Israelites. I now believe they have an agenda that involves the destruction of the Space Shuttle Columbia. I do not know how they plan to accomplish this but I can say that a black man is on board the shuttle. He has been described by many people as "freaky". There is also an old French man on board. NASA is unaware of the presence of either of these two men.

The reason I am telling you these things is because of your connection with Bill Gates. I believe Mr. Gates has plans to purchase the now-famous violin that Itzak Pearlman was carrying in the famous "exploding violin" accident of 1999. If there is any way you know of delaying this purchase I'm sure I could get a message off to Columbia in time to save them.

Does any of this make any sense to you? See you in the marsh.

C. Scott

Needless to say, I have no idea what Dr. Scott is talking about. I was concerned about the possible undertones of his letter relating to the bio-survey of Lake Winnipeg. Dr. Irvine contacted me yesterday by carrier pigeon. He included this photograph and rescheduled the survey. He told me that the last time he faxed me he had changed his mind about having me accompany him and had gone away alone. I hope that's true because Dr. Scott has been missing since a week ago Wednesday. And as everybody knows by now, the Space Shuttle Columbia did meet with a tragic end. While I have no proof that this photo is real, Dr. Irvine insists that it was taken during his "Friday Expedition". He says it was taken moments after he caught a 28 lb. lunker but I have my doubts...

The Top 10 Signs You're Living to Work, Not Working to Live

If you make work your life, you won't thrive. If you're exhibiting any or all of these symptoms, take another look at your priorities. You may be living to work, not working to live, and your Real Life may be in distress.

1. Constant rumination about work problems.
2. Adding hours to the work day to make up for diminishing productivity.
3. Use of alcohol or drugs as an escape from stress.
4. Tendency to postpone vacations, or not take them at all and to work on weekends.
5. Chaotic family life.
6. Focus on independence, a loner.
7. Sedentary lifestyle.
8. Narrowing interests.
9. Inability to laugh at yourself.
10. Denial of many of the above symptoms by saying they are the "necessary evils" of a successful life.

A Quiz for People Who Know Everything
Click the question to find the answer

There’s one “sport” in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
Of all the vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
Only three words in standard English begin with the letters “dw.” They are all common. Name two of them.
There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
Where are the lakes that are referred to in the “Los Angeles Lakers?”
There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls – a walk – is one way. Name the other six.
It’s the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter “s.”

Question of the Day:

Where did the idea for Vaseline Petroleum Jelly come from?

Robert Augustus Cheesebrough.

In 1859 when oil was first found in Pennsylvania, Cheesebrough was a 22 year old chemist in Brooklyn who had become an expert at extracting kerosene from cannel oil.

He noticed that a colorless film called "rod wax" collected around the pump rods on the oil wells, gumming up the works until it was removed. He also observed oil workers who would slap the stuff on a cut, instead of a bandage. Not only did it stay on the skin and stop the bleeding, but it seemed to help cure the wound.

And if you believe that...

As always, send me your suggestions (like that'll ever happen) for future columns on Crang.com. Next time we'll have a live report from Lake Winnipeg where we'll attempt to answer such questions as "Can we really eat these fish?" and "Who's idea of fun was this anyway?" Read all about it in The Bio-Survey.

© February 9, 2003

noreply@blogger.com (Crang) — Sun, 19 Jan 2003 22:39:00 +0000

Strength and Wisdom
THE GREAT WAR
or Fight For Freedom

War is Hell. Or so I've been told. I really wouldn't know because I was fortunate enough to grow up in a generation that hasn't had to go to war. No lost sons or daughters. No families destroyed. But I can imagine...

My great grandfather, a farmer living in Saskatchewan, had his crops wiped out by hail in 1915. He had a wife and five children to feed and nobody to turn to for help. So he decided to enlist in the army. At the age of 39. He had no choice. And just over a year later, he was dead. I'm told he stayed on Canadian soil for most of that first year. He was then sent overseas to France. And on January 3rd, 1917, at the age of 40, he was declared dead.

Great Grandpa was enlisted into the 188th Infantry Battalion (Saskatchewan) and later transferred into the 46th Battalion (South Saskatchewan) to replace members that had been killed. As the war progressed and casualties began to mount it became necessary to replace losses in the field with fresh troops. New Battalions were now being trained and sent to England as fast as possible. Upon arrival in England most of the new Battalions were absorbed into reserve Battalions. From there troops were sent where they were needed ~ either as reinforcements for the 1st and 2nd Divisions or to the 3rd and 4th Divisions as they were being formed in England.

Formed in February of 1915, the 46th Canadian Infantry Battalion (South Saskatchewan ) was to have a strength of 600 men. Its ranks were filled primarily with Saskatchewan youths, many via the University of Saskatchewan. Also known as the "Suicide Battalion", it fought in some of the bloodiest encounters of the war. Reinforcements were constantly needed as battle after battle decimated its ranks. Of the 5,374 men in the 46th Battalion, 4,917 were either killed or wounded. Great Grandpa was one of those men.

Canadian troops evacuating a wounded comrade from the front at Courcelette. Somme, September 1916.

When Great Grandpa arrived in France, the Battle of the Somme had been underway since July 1st, 1916. The Canadian Expeditionary Force (CEF) was fortunate in that it played no part in the first weeks of the Battle, but from mid-September to mid-November, the Canadians were in the thick of the fighting. The first major action in which the Canadians were involved was the attack on the village of Courcelette, which was captured on September 16, after heavy and sustained fighting. When Great Grandpa arrived, he found himself thrown into the late stage of the Somme Offensive known as the Battle of Thiepval Ridge. The Canadians' objective at Thiepval was to capture Regina Trench, a formidable line of German defenses beyond Courcelette. The heavy fortifications and the wet, muddy November weather made conditions extremely difficult for attacking troops. Regina Trench was finally captured with heavy Canadian losses on November 11, 1916 and the Canadians had pushed on through to Desire Trench (the German support line) by the time the Somme Offensive was called off at the end of the month. During the six weeks that it had participated in the Battle of the Somme, the CEF had sustained 29,029 casualties for no significant gain. This was Great Grandpa's introduction and farewell to the War in France. It's unclear where or when he was lost but we do know he wasn't there long.

Thank you, Grandpa, for fighting for us. Thank you for giving your life so that we could enjoy freedom. And as we see our freedom being gradually eroded, I wonder if it was worth it?

Debt of Honour Register

In Memory of

FRANCIS CUTHBERT MALCOLM CUMMING

Private

887333

46th Battalion., Canadian Infantry (Saskatchewan Regiment)

who died on

Wednesday 3 January 1917, Age 40.

Additional Information:
Son of the late Malcolm and Margaret Cumming; husband of Elizabeth A. M. McKinnon, of Erickson, Manitoba.

Cemetery:
VIMY MEMORIAL Pas de Calais, France

Location:
Canada's most impressive tribute overseas to those Canadians who fought and gave their lives in the First World War is the majestic and inspiring Vimy Memorial, which overlooks the Douai Plain from the highest point of Vimy Ridge, about eight kilometres northeast of Arras on the N17 towards Lens. The Memorial is signposted from this road to the left, just before you enter the village of Vimy from the south. The Memorial itself is someway inside the memorial park, but again it is well signposted. The Memorial does more than mark the site of the engagement which Canadians were to remember with more pride than any other operation of the First World War. It stands as a tribute to all who served their country in battle in that four-year struggle, and particularly to those who gave their lives. At the base of the Memorial, these words appear in French and in English: TO THE VALOUR OF THEIR COUNTRYMEN IN THE GREAT WAR AND IN MEMORY OF THEIR SIXTY THOUSAND DEAD THIS MONUMENT IS RAISED BY THE PEOPLE OF CANADA Inscribed on the ramparts of the Memorial are the names of over 11,000 Canadian soldiers who were posted as "missing, presumed dead" in France. The land for the battlefield park, 91.18 hectares in extent, was (as stated on a plaque at the entrance to the Memorial) "the free gift in perpetuity of the French nation to the people of Canada". Eleven thousand tonnes of concrete and masonry were required for the base of the Memorial: and 5,500 tonnes of "trau" stone were brought from Yugoslavia for the pylons and the sculptured figures. Construction of the massive work began in 1925, and 11 years later, on July 26, 1936, the monument was unveiled by King Edward VIII. The park surrounding the Memorial was created by horticultural experts. Canadian trees and shrubs were planted in great masses to resemble the woods and forests of Canada. Around the Memorial, beyond the grassy slopes of the approaches, are wooded parklands. Trenches and tunnels have been restored and preserved and the visitor can picture the magnitude of the task that faced the Canadian Corps on that distant dawn when history was made.

Visiting Information:
It is recommended by the Visitors Centre at Vimy that visitors wishing to view the tunnels should pre-book tours. To make a booking, please contact The Interpretation Centre at Vimy: Tel: 03 21 58 19 34, Fax: 03 21 58 58 34. Visitors who turn up without pre-booking will still be able to view the tunnels, but on very busy days this could mean a long wait.

Display Record of Commemoration

The Top 10 Things to Do when You Feel You are Caught in a Vicious, Inescapable Cycle

Sometimes when we are in a situation and can see no way out, we panic. We beat back and forth in our minds, so busy bumping into trees that we cannot see the paths through and out of the forest.

1. Sit back, breath deeply, and try to still your mind.
Don't be like a butterfly that breaks its wings frantically beating against a window so that when it does get free it can't fly.
2. Visualize your situation as a magician's "Chinese ring."
It looks solid, but you know there is a "break" somewhere. Your strategy is to find it.
3. Put the situation on paper, diagramming how each unit leads to another to another and back to the start - except that there does not SEEM to be a start or an end.
Remember to include yourself as a unit if your behavior/attitude could lead to changes in the situation.
4. Consider each unit in turn.
Is it the weak link? What are the pros and cons of breaking out of your situation through THAT point? Write them down for EACH unit, even the ones you believe could not be your exit point.
5. Consider each unit as a separate entity.
How important is it? What are the consequences of changing it? What would it FEEL like to change it? (The feelings are important information.)
6. Discuss the possibilities, particularly whatever action seems most likely at this point, with someone you trust, preferably someone who is in a position to know about the ins and outs of your situation but does not have any vested interest.
7. Study the diagram and your notes, thoughts and feelings again, then put the problem aside for at least 24 hours.
Leave it alone to simmer in your mind.
8. Often there will be an "aha!" at this point and the decision is made.
If not, decide, based on the foregoing, which unit is the weakest link, and what step will take you out of the situation most advantageously.
9. Take the step.
10. Feel the relief, and CELEBRATE!

Short "Snappers"

Fact of the Day: Invertebrates are animals that don’t have a backbone. Most animals are invertebrates, 98 of every 100 animal species falls into this category.
Elephants are the only animals in the world with four knees.
The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito.
Japanese bowing carries different meanings at different angles.
A bow at an angle of five degrees means "Good day" (simple greeting).
A bow at an angle of fifteen degrees is also a common salutation, a bit more formal it means "Good morning."
A bow at an angle of thirty degrees is a respectful bow to indicate appreciation for a kind gesture.
A bow at a forty-five-degree angle is used to convey deep respect or an apology.
Of all the potatoes grown in the United States, only 8 percent are used to make potato chips. Special varieties referred to as "chipping potatoes" are grown for this purpose.
Since Neptune's discovery in 1846, it has made about three-quarters of one revolution of the Sun.
More than 45,000 pieces of plastic debris float on every square mile of ocean.
There are more than 700 species of plants that grow in the United States that have been identified as dangerous if eaten. Among them are some that are commonly favoured by gardeners: buttercups, daffodils, lily of the valley, sweet peas, oleander, azalea, bleeding heart, delphinium, and rhododendron.
According to the folks at Disney there were 6,469,952 spots painted on the dogs in the original 101 Dalmatians.

Question of the Day:

Why do carbonated drinks seem to bubble more in plastic cups?

The properties and characteristics of a particular member of the plastics family, PET (polyethylene terephthalate), causes carbonated drinks to bubble more in plastic cups.

PET, a clear, strong polymer, has unsurpassed gas and moisture barrier properties. Its ability to contain carbon dioxide makes it the plastic and the material of choice for carbonated beverage containers.

PET containers have no competition in retaining carbon dioxide, the gas responsible for the effervescent, bubbling effect. The property that gives rise to a vast number of bubbles is the unique barrier layers, which prevent the loss of carbonation. The barrier layers serve to keep the container airtight, which keeps the carbon dioxide from leaking out, and oxygen from entering. This is why containers made from PET plastic keep carbonated beverages colder, more flavourful, and fizzier.

As always, send me your suggestions (like that'll ever happen) for future columns on Crang.com. Next time: Through the eyes of the mentally disabled - the children who are truly Closer To God.