Mountain Gorillas - Threatened Or Threat?

This is the first in what will be a continuing series of articles on the real dangers posed by the animals living around us. You might think it's a joke - you can take it lightly if you wish - but wildlife is contributing to many deaths and more illness in society than ever before. Whether it's from the protection of the "noble" white-tailed deer or the insignificant deer mouse, the bleeding hearts of people like those involved in PETA are contributing in no small way to the decline of their own species - us. In the next few weeks I'll be exposing some of the real dangers of the environment around us, what to look out for when you're in the great outdoors and some precautions you can take.

What started out as a joke amongst some friends of mine, "Threatened Or Threat?" took on a new meaning as I started looking deeper into what dangers come from the animals living near us. Obviously, not many people live near Mountain Gorillas, but I think a not-so-obvious danger like the gorilla is a good way to start off the "Threatened Or Threat?" series. Gorillas, as with all apes, have long been made out to be gentle beasts. After all, we share 99% of their DNA and we look like them (some more than others - ed.) - they couldn't be real dangers could they?

A wealth of material has been published on the subject of Mountain Gorillas, from Ann Landers to National Geographic. Most of us are quite familiar with the 1970's documentary series "The Planet of the Apes". It's hard to tell how much research went into these documentaries but one thing is painfully obvious - gorillas are dangerous, orang-utans are wise but not to be trusted, and chimpanzees are gentle and kind. I think these documentaries may have been a little easy on chimps. Quoting a brochure from The Simian Society of America in Jacksonville, IL:

A monkey is a wild animal. They become aggressive and can attack at the slightest provocation. You must watch your monkey every second. Even the smallest squirrel monkey can open a cupboard. Larger monkeys can open refrigerator doors, turn on faucets, rip through window screens, unlock outside doors, turn over chairs, table and TVs. Monkeys are highly excitable animals and will relieve themselves whenever and wherever they are upset. All monkeys bite. Punishment is usually taken as a threat and can result in serious consequences. Primates become depressed, even insane.

Everybody remembers the gorilla named Koko that was raised by scientists and taught to use sign language to communicate. Probably not many of us remember that Koko eventually killed all of his "captors". Also not well publicized is the fact that many more human skulls than gorilla skulls are found in the jungles of Africa. Gorilla skulls that have been found are usually blamed on poachers. Most of the human skulls have been found in abandoned encampments of groups of rogue gorillas locally known as Guerrillas. The identifiable skulls have almost exclusively belonged to gorilla poachers. Do the gorillas really need our protection?

Maybe the best description of what gorillas are capable of comes from a reader who sent me a letter this week after noticing the title of this upcoming story:

Dear Dr. Crang,

You can't know how excited I was to see the headline for your next column; it made me want to get into my time machine (too bad I'm still working out a few bugs) and head one week into the future! I mean it's about time somebody debunked the Mountain Gorilla myth and who better than you Dr. Crang, you, a man of the most supreme integrity! What can I tell you about the mountain gorilla that you don't already know? Probably nothing, but here goes.

The Mountain Gorilla was only "discovered" in 1902 and was almost immediately considered endangered. Two questions spring to mind:

1. Why, or what were they hiding from?
2. How could they be considered endangered, by whose standard? I mean maybe rare, but endangered? Who put that spin on the gorilla question?

Over the past 98 years there seems to have been a concerted effort to raise the profile on the so-called plight of the Mountain Gorilla, and we've fallen for it hook line and sinker!

Let's take the case of Bongo, silverback gorilla from Atlanta, made famous on the occasion of an accidental fall of a young boy into Bongo's habitat circa 1993. The young boy, who still cannot be named, crawled over the fence at the Atlanta Zoo, fell into the gorilla enclosure and lay apparently lifeless while video cameras rolled. Bongo pulled the boy away from the other gorillas, and wouldn't let them near. It seemed as if Bongo was protecting the boy! Onlookers were stunned. Was this the action of an uncaring animal, or that of an intelligent being deserving of our respect? The media certainly played up the latter but lets take a closer look, ok?

First off, if gorillas were such gentle creatures, why would Bongo have to protect the boy? I mean the only potential danger to the boy seems the other gorillas! Did Bongo fear the other gorillas for this boy?

This is where it gets interesting; you see Bongo was not your ordinary run of the mill gorilla. No, Bongo had learned American Sign Language from the noted primatologist Dr. Helen Flicker at the University of Florida before coming to the Atlanta Zoo. Now I've had occasion to examine the tapes from the dramatic rescue of the boy, and as clear as day, Bongo signs something to his handlers after giving up the boy. Experts agree that he signs, "Cut smaller please" then flashes the hand signal used by the notorious Crips street gang! Yes Bongo was protective, protective of his prospective supper! But we've only scratched the surface.

Why sign language? Is it because gorillas can't vocalize? I have it on good authority - Dr. Harvey J. Wainscoting to be exact! - that gorillas can speak! The 'problem' it seems is that regardless of the language spoken by a gorilla, because of the unique structure of the simian voice box, vocalizations will have a thick German accent! Hmmm…gorilla with a German accent, not so cute anymore is it! The teaching of American Sign Language to gorillas perfectly capable of speech seems a cynical ploy to portray the gorilla in a benign light: disabled and in need of our help. Is that why we've seen the change from gorillas as entertainers, specifically circus performers earning their keep, to kept gorillas, living in large manmade habitats off the largesse of their so-called captors. We feel sorry for them. You or I couldn't pay for such great PR.!

Take the case of Mr. Mumbles, former circus performer. Notorious for bludgeoning to death his handler with the wooden banana used in their act, and now living in the San Diego Zoo, Mr. Mumbles has weekly conjugal visits and has sired 12 offspring. All this on our dime! You or I kill our boss we'd face the big sleep, but not Mr. Mumbles. It all makes me sick.

I had occasion to talk with Mr. Mumbles just recently and he spilled the beans, and wow, it all makes sense, at least to anyone who has seen the Planet of the Apes series of films. Think about it, these apes spent thousands of years hiding in the mountains of Africa. Didn't a certain Charles Manson move to the desert to bide his time and wait for 'Helter Skelter' to come down? Does anyone think the U.S. or former U.S.S.R. spent time targeting the mountains of Africa for nuclear destruction? NO! Once discovered what were these apes to do? Well now most apes live off our efforts in manmade structures that would provide adequate, and in most cases near-perfect protection in the event of a nuclear war! Concrete, reinforced caves! Let me ask, do you own a fallout shelter? Mr. Mumbles has one, and you and I aren't invited!

Please Dr. Crang, start spreading the word about these damn dirty apes, and their Philadelphia lawyers.

I'd LOVE to give you the name of who wrote this because of the credibility it would lend, but needless to say, I don't doubt for a second that a certain couple of local PETA members would put an end to his "ratting" in short order.

All I'm trying to say is that gorillas, and many other protected species (either officially or by PETA), can obviously stand up for themselves. Since this type of animal doesn't live near large populations of humans they are not a great threat to us, but they pose the type of danger that most people readily identify animals with. Danger by animal attack. Bears, wolves, tigers and gorillas belong to the group of animals that I call The Strident Killers. Next week I'll start to explore the Silent Killers. Think Ebola. Think Hanta Virus. Think West Nile Virus. Think cover up.

Check out the newly updated looked to Ma Crang's Recipes. I think you'll agree I've given it the modern look that it needed. I have also obtained THE ORIGINAL NEIMAN MARCUS COOKIE recipe!!! I'm not sure who Neiman Marcus is but it sure sounds official. Send in those recipes!

Update - November 20, 2000: Just got a new "Meat Treat" submission. APE!! Excellent idea indeed.

As always, send me your suggestions for future columns on crang.com. See you next week with "Bacteria - The Silent Killers".

© November 18, 2000