Jokes

ALZHEIMER'S RESEARCH

Did you know that currently there is more money spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer's research?

This means that 20yrs from now there will be all these people with perky large breasts and huge stiff erections with no recollection what to do with them.

What's fourty feet long and smells like piss?

Seniors line-dancing.

I AM CANADIAN!

In a train car there was a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, the American has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch
wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the
fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
The American thought - "That friggin' Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again."

I am CANADIAN !

From the COCKPIT

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

International Humour

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at
the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish men began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery. After the first few litres of coconut whiskey they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.

RELIGION

Taoism                     Shit happens
Confucianism            Confucius say shit happen
Buddhism                   If shit happens,it isn't happening
Zen                             What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism                    This shit happened in my last life too
Islam                           If shit happen it is the will of Allah
Protestant                  Let shit happen to someone else
Catholic                      If shit happened you deserved it
Calvinism                   shit happened because you don't work hard enough
7th day Adventists     Don't shit on Saturday
Judaism                      So why does this shit always happen to me
Mormonism                This shit is going to happen again
Jehovah witness         Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens
Moonies                      Only happy shit happens
Hedonism                   There's nothing like a good shit happening
Stoicism                      This shit is good for me
Atheism                       Shit happens for no apparent reason
Agnosticism                Farts happen
Existentialism             What is shit anyway?
Christian Scientist     Shit is in your mind
Scientology                Feces occur
Hara Krishna            shit happens ,shit happens, shit, shit happens happens, shit,                                      happens, rama rama
Paganism                   shit happens if you will it to happen
Zoroastrianism           shit happens half of the time
Rastafarianism           Let's smoke this shit

Management Lessons

LESSON NUMBER ONE

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,” Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

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LESSON NUMBER TWO

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of the tree”, sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

************************************

LESSON NUMBER THREE

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:

1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend

3) And, when you're in deep doo doo, keep your mouth shut.