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New Rules to
Keep Kids Safe
The Old advice just won't cut it in today's world
By Gavin De Becker
From "Protecting the Gift"
As parents today, our challenges in keeping our children safe grow
bigger as they do. We go from thinking "I just want to make sure the
playground is secure" to "Will he be okay walking to the mall by himself?"
to "How can I be certain that boy will drive carefully?"
We try to protect our children with the same rules our parents taught
us when we were little. But I will show you why those rules don't work,
and offer effective alternatives.
Old Rule
"Never Talk to
Strangers"Children are taught
this rule when young, but the very week it's handed down they're likely to
see their parents violate it over and over. Further, they themselves are
encouraged to violate it: "Say hello to the nice lady." "Answer the man's
question." Consequently, the message is confusing.
There are other problems with this rule. One, it
assumes that a very young child can be responsible for his or her own
protection. This is a dangerous assumption, as we once demonstrated on a
powerful segment of "The Oprah Winfrey Show."
"Oprah's producers and I approached several young
mothers in a suburban park to ask for their co-operation with our
experiment," says child safety advocate Ken Wooden. "Each mother
emphatically insisted that her child would never leave the park with a
stranger, then watched in horror from a distance as her youngster
cheerfully followed me out of the park to look for my puppy. On aver, it
took 35 seconds to lure each child away from the safety of the
park."
The second problem with the rule is its implication
that people you know will not harm you. If stranger equals danger, then
someone you know equals safety. But the opposite is true far more often.
Friendly acquaintances have been gifted with what every other predator
must work to gain: trust and access.
Until a child is old enough to understand the
strategies of a predator look like, old enough and confident enough to
resist them, assertive enough to seek help and powerful enough to enforce
the word no--a child is too young to be his own protector,
period.
The third problem is, if your child is ever lost in
public, the ability to seek assistance from strangers is actually the
single greatest asset she could have.
Anna McDonnel is a mother who has regularly
encouraged her son, Henry and Quinn, to talk to strangers from a young age
(seven or so). She will give each boy assignments such as, "Can you get
directions to the nearest frozen-yogurt place?" Then she stands back and
observes as her son selects a person to ask. Afterwards, they discuss why
he chose the person, how the exchange went, if he felt comfortable and so
on. Her sons have safely rehearsed all kinds of encounters with
people.
As a result, the instincts about people that these
boys have developed make make them less likely to be victimized then
someone taught to never talk to strangers.
The important thing, of course, is to choose which
strangers to take to and that brings us to the next misguided rule.
Old Rule
"If You're Lost, Go to a Police
Officer"Teaching this popular
maxim to a very young child ignores several facts. First, many
identifying credentials, insignia, badges and nameplates tend to be worn
above the waist, but a young child mainly sees a world of legs. Second,
depending on where the child is lost, it could take a while to find a
police officer.
There is one rule, however, that reliably enhances
safety: Teach children that if they are ever lost, go to a
woman.
Why? A woman is highly unlikely to be a sexual
predator. Also, if approached by a small child, a woman is more likely
than a man to get involved and stay involved.
I wouldn't call this next item a rule, but rather a
commitment you can make to you child: "I will never send anyone you do not
know to pick you up without telling you about it ahead of time. If anyone
unexpected ever says 'You mother or father sent me,' do not go anywhere
with that person, even if they say your parents have been hurt or are in
trouble."
Eight Lessons to Teach Your
Children
- 1. Honour your own feelings. If someone
makes you uncomfortable, even a "friend," that's an important
signal.
- 2. We (your parents) will be receptive to
hearing about any experience you've had, no matter how
unpleasant.
- 3. It's okay to be assertive, even to defy
adults, if you feel threatened. Teenage girls especially should
learn that "No" is a complete sentence. They don't have to justify
it.
- 4. Know how to ask for help--and always
ask a woman.
- 5. It's okay to scream, to run, even to
strike out if you are in danger.
- 6. If a man tries to force you to go
somewhere, you should yell "Help! This is not my father!" (because
onlookers seeing a child scream or even struggle are likely to
assume the adult is a parent).
- 7. If someone says "Don't yell," the thing
to do is yell, and if someone says "Don't tell," the thing to do
is tell.
- 8. Fully resist ever going anywhere out of
public view with someone you don't know, particularly with
someone who tries to persuade you.
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Old Rule
"No Place is Safe"This is said to children, presumably to make them more
careful. Sure, there are places we don't want our kids going, but that's
not the key to their safety.
Telling kids that "no place is safe' is
counterproductive because it implies that danger is waiting everywhere to
get them. Not only is this inaccurate but the hopelessness of the message
discourages personal responsibility. Almost every place can be safe for
our children--if they know how they can help make it so.
The final problem with this rule is that it quickly
loses credibility. When we warn children that no place is safe, they wait
for danger as if it were an event that happens. Day after day it doesn't
happen, and they soon become desensitized to the real safety issue: the
risk that someone may try to take advantage of them.
Old Rule
"Don't Wander Off in
Public"
Saying this to kids makes plenty of sense--as
long as we don't rely on their compliance.
Here are some practical steps parents can take to
reduce anxiety about becoming separated from their child. First is to
dress small children in brightly coloured, distinctive, easily describable
outfits. The small child in the colourful cap will be easier to spot in a
crowd.
On vacations in unfamiliar areas, some parents
bring along photos of their kids or have them wear ID tags, but where
passerby cannot easily read them. Having a plan or agreement such as "If
anybody gets lost, we'll meet at the Ferris wheel," helps make reunions
happen faster.
Sooner or later, after years of urging children not
to wander off on their own, the time comes when parents want to
encourage them to go off on their own. When that age comes, parents can
arm their children with the information they need to enhance their
safety.
Allowing your child to be alone in public does not
mean allowing him or her to make all the decisions about where and when,
of course.
Take walking to school as an example. You can
influence the route, and you can even monitor the trip for as long as you
feel necessary.
I suggest that you walk the route with your
child, ten times if that's what it takes for you both to feel comfortable
about it. Together you can identify the safest place to stop and ask for
help or refuge. Once you've selected the route have an understanding with
your child that he'll always stick to it. Explain that you might
(particularly in the beginning) drive along and observe your child from
time to time.
The question parents ask me more is: How can my
teach my child about risk without causing too much fear? One way is to
show them that nothing is so terrible that it cannot be
discussed.
t too much information can "prevent the child from
developing a sense of security in himself and his world," as Ava Siegler,
Ph.D., notes in What Should I tell the Kids? With this in mind, I
strongly suggest you give TV news an R rating. My acronym for NEWS is
Nothing Education or Worth Seeing.
Being afraid of others is actually the fear that we
are unprepared to protect ourselves. Obviously we cannot change or
eliminate all the dangerous people in the world. What we can change is our
and our children's ability to deal with them.
Source: May 2000 Reader's Digest - Gavin De BeckerFrom
"Protecting the Gift" |
