A very weird
thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have
no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did
not invite her. All I know is that one day, she wasnít there, and the
next day, she was.
She is a
clever old lady, and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but
whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her And whenever I look
in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole
thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very
rude. I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.
If she insists
on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay part of the
rent, but no. Every once in a while, I find
a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa
cushion, but it is not nearly enough.
I donít want
to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go
to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, itís all gone. I
certainly donít spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the
old lady is pulling from me. Youíd think she would spend some of
the money to buy Wrinkleless≠Me cream. Lord knows she needs it and money isnít the only
thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming
rate especially the good stuff like ice cream,
cookies and candy I canít seem keep
that stuff in the house anymore. She must have a real sweet tooth, but
sheíd better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds. I
suspect she realizes this, and make
herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I
am putting on weight, too.
For an old
lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going
into my closets when Iím not home and altering my clothes so they
donít fit and she messes with my files and papers so I canít find
anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and
organized. She also fiddles with my VCR so it does not record what I
have carefully and correctly programmed.
She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers
and magazines before I do, and blurs the print so I canít read it. And
the has done something really sinister to the
volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now, all I hear are
mumbles and whispers.
Like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs
and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting
into and out of it is a real challenge. Lately, she has been fooling
with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids,
making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. Is this any way to
repay my hospitality.
She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands
in front of the dressing room minor and monopolizes it She looks totally
ridiculous in some of those out≠fits, plus, she keeps me from seeing
how great they look on me.
Just when I thought she couldnít get any
meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my
picture taken for my driverís license, and just as the camera shutter
clicked, she jumped in front of me! No one is going to believe that the
picture of that old lady is me