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Pisces: you're fish-like nature will make it hard for you to make decisions. Don't try. No one takes a fish seriously anyway. I mean, come on. When was the last time you heard, "and on the advice of his fish, Jean Chretien is lowering taxes?" Avoid the maritime provinces. You will be eaten. Taurus: It doesn't matter what I put here, because you're too bullheaded to believe this touchy feely hippie crap. Jeez, lighten up. Just be glad we don't burn our initials on you with red hot iron. Sagittarius: You have an urge to go for a walk on the beach. Head towards the water. Keep walking, no matter how hard it gets to breath. Remember, you ARE the water. No, wait, you're IN the water. Say hi to Pisces for me, you water loving freak. Aquarius:You are the water bearer. You are generous and life giving. Go get me a drink. And don't go waving that bow around, you look like a fool. You have delusions that someday you will make your mark on others. You poor, blind fool. Gemini: You will use your dual nature as an excuse for never being able to make a decision, being easily distracted by shiny things, and your wanton killing sprees. A word to the wise, at least ONE of your personalities should be likeable. Libra: Your desire to constantly weigh the pros and cons of a situation will only waste your time today. Instead, spend the day picking on children. Aries: Though Aries is touted as the god of war, his anger and wrath stemmed mostly from the fact that he was called Goat-Boy while growing up, and later, Goat-Man. It is this sense of directionless rage that makes people born during this randomly determined sign fun at parties, but not bris'. Virgo: Ever thought of being a politician? Give it a try. Everyone already thinks you're a lying bastard. Cancer: Yeah, so, all malignant tumor jokes aside..... no wait, all I had was malignant tumor jokes. You will spend your life looking for a purpose, only to realize that you are only hurdling towards being swallowed up by the inevitable darkness. Then you'll you'll see a frogurt stand and feel better. Focus, for God's sake. Capricorn: What can be said about Capricorns that hasn't already been said about Satan? Class.... Satan had class. I mean, of all the multi animal cross-breeds that abound in mythology..... a fish goat??? Hang your head shame, fish goat. Scorpio: The fact your sign is so closely related to the spiders, you are prone to producing poisons, lying, cheating, and eating your mates after intercourse. And you wonder why you're lonely. Sheesh.