Roger's Story

On February 5th, 1905, the cowhand from Montana and the lady from Missouri were married. She was just two days past her nineteenth birthday, while he was almost 33. In Nebraska, they had their third daughter, who would become my mother 30 years later.

In 1914, my grandfather and his family moved to Saskatchewan. They were tenant farmers on rented land. Their main crop seemed to be children.

After years of hard work with little reward, my mother moved west. She continued being poor, but in the warmer climate of British Columbia.

Later, she married my father -- a man much older than herself. The marriage had a lot of problems: arguments and drinking eventually caused my mother to set out on her own to raise and support two children. This led to many more years of hard work and doing without. It was a strain for her to pay the bills, but we never missed a meal.

Except for a sister five years younger, I was never around babies and young children. I never really felt comfortable around kids, even in school. I didn't give a thought to having any myself, or to not having them for that matter. I never married until the day before I turned twenty-eight. Marie was an only child, just past her twenty-first birthday. It may seem like two people who didn't want children finding each other but, actually, I don't think we even mentioned it. Her background away from children was much like mine. Perhaps we missed parenthood conditioning in our environment.

During our first years together, we had many arguments. At times it seemed that we would not stay together. I was amazed at the number of people who suggested that we have children to save the marriage. Their suggestions were, in effect, "Why don't you have children and see if that helps?" Great plan! If it didn't work, we could just take the kids back and get a refund!

We didn't have the usual group of friends who talked about their kids all the time. Some of them had children, but it wasn't a topic that came up much. Their outside interests gave them more to talk about than diapers and crayon on the walls.

In most ways, we were spared the pressure of relatives with their reproductive proddings. My mother-in-law did hint around a little, until I borrowed my sister's son to leave with her for a day. It took several months for the shock of that experience to wear off. I was fortunate not to have a wife whose main ambition in life was to be a baby factory.

I believe some people are not suited to be parents. It makes little sense to have children because someone else thinks you should. There are far too many people as it is, and we are reproducing ourselves into extinction.

Then there is the consideration of money. With children, we would be in the same economic situation as my mother and grandparents. As it is, we are much better off.

Some people with children seem to resent our choice not to have any. Children place a massive financial burden on the family. So while others take their kids to McDonald's, we ride our BMW motorcycles to Mexico. They were buying clothes and schoolbooks while I was learning to fly a plane. Their kids went to summer camp; Marie and I went to Hawaii. We may sound greedy, wanting to buy things for ourselves, at the cost of not having children. It wasn't that kind of choice. We weren't having children anyway.

With both of us working, we can have more than just the basics. We don't have to worry about paying the rent. Our house is old and small, but our motorcycles are new. We go for weekend trips often, and a two- or three-week motorcycle tour each summer. If we had kids, none of this would happen.

It may seem, at this point, that I don't like children. I do like them. But not all day, every day. Even when they are away from home, the responsibility is always there.

I feel my decision to remain child-free is a valid one for me. I should not have to justify it to anyone.

I don't advocate that others not have children just because I chose not to. Everyone should be allowed to make the decision for themselves.

People with kids sometimes wonder what I do with all the spare time. I never seem to have any. There are so many things to do, I wonder when people have time for their children. I hope they don't have them just to fill in the blank moments in their lives.

Do I think I missed anything? Well, yes. I missed worrying about what the kids were doing -- Were they trying to swallow a toy? Were they injuring themselves while playing some sport? Were they into drugs? Were they getting pregnant (or getting someone pregnant)? Being hit by a car? Skipping school? I missed the dread of the police at the door, telling me my kid was in a car accident. I also missed a lot of bills, a messed-up house, arguments, and being damn poor.

Now, I'm in my mid-forties. I have friends in every age group. I'm not lonely and I feel the decision was the correct one -- for me.

Of course, when I'm old, I won't have any kids coming to visit me. Just like the people who had children. At least I'll know why. We don't plan on sitting in our rocking chairs, waiting for a call from a son or daughter who isn't interested. We weren't interested first!