Elaine’s Story

Wow! I just finished watching you on "The Shirley Show", and I could hardly wait for my beloved personal computer (which I could never have possibly been able to afford if we had children!) to power up so I could write you.

A few years back, when I first heard of NO KIDDING!, I wrote to you and received the greatest letter back. It was warm, encouraging, and very interesting -- not at all what I expected. I guess I thought I’d get some form letter requesting funds or something.

That’s not what I wanted to say, though; please forgive my rambling. I’m just so *%#@*&^%$! excited, I can’t seem to get focused.

OK, the first thing I want to say is, beware of your mail for the next couple of weeks. You bravely gave out your address and you’re going to hear from people who think you’re "misguided", "in bad need of getting religion", "a total monster", "to be pitied" or "despised", "totally nuts", "unbelievably selfish", "depraved or warped in some way", and mostly "WRONG!".

Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, how many more ways could you have patiently spelled out that you’re willing to allow others their choices, CHOICES, by their very definition describe something chosen . Thus, attackers might as well condemn people who choose white bread over brown (health nuts!), or paper grocery bags over plastic (environmental nuts!), or Yale men versus Harvard men (educationally insane!). My point, as I know you have already gathered, is simple. A choice is a choice. Period. What is good for me might be a disaster for you.

I took what was considered a landmark course at the University of Calgary over a decade ago called "Children. Yes or No". At the time, I was racked with guilt at my "unnatural" desire to remain childfree. One night, we had a bunch of "happy and fulfilled" moms attend the class. I sat through their presentations and a question formed I could barely wait to ask. When we’d heard about Boy Scouts and breastfeeding and trips to the zoo, I leaned forward and said, "Please tell me what you think I’d miss if I decided not to have kids."

Only you can imagine the relief and joy I felt as I listened to them describe the nebulous rewards of parenthood. I was FREE! Suddenly, for the first time in all my (at that time) twenty-four years, I realized I was okay. I was MORE than okay. For me, the choice was correct and PERMISSIBLE! That, as I’m sure you’re also aware, is no small thing.

But as the years passed, and I became more and more comfortable and truly happy with my decision, I guess I must have become a bit desensitized. I come from a small-town background and ended up settling in another small town. The shock and disbelief I encountered dwindled away almost completely, as everyone here knows me and has mostly accepted, or most probably forgot, my choice. It’s no longer A BIG DEAL. Thus, I was amazed and kind of shocked to see Shirley, supposedly an educated and unbiased woman, spouting off these odd phrases like, "I just don’t understand how you can think that way," or "You love your nieces and nephews -- I see you light up just talking about them; how can you deny yourself the pleasure?" or some such drivel. Now, I don’t mean to denigrate the poor woman, after all, she’s no Oprah (in fact, I almost didn’t watch the show, despite my intense interest in the subject, because I find her difficult to endure), but I can hardly believe that such hostility and stubborn denial still thrive.

Is the world still shocked by people who CHOOSE not to have kids? It surprised me; it really did. I thought we were really passé. I thought the rain forests and the oil slicks were the new age concerns.

The anthropologist really amazed me. How would you like to be in one of HIS classes? Here’s a guy who defines things and then condemns others for attaching their assessment to something: "I’d FAIL a student who used the word ‘lifestyle’ in a paper!" Man! Talk about a dictator! Yikes! I once had a prof who I thought was pretty scary, but he was a pussycat compared to this guy.

Then there was that poor, poor woman who just wants to have a baby. Now I can see that -- I really can -- but only because I know how strongly I feel, and I’m able to contrast her pain in not having what she deeply wants with the joy I have in being able to prevent it!

There’s another thing that anthro gent said that infuriated me: "Tubal ligations are handed out far too thoughtlessly and easily!" For those of us who literally DREAD the mere possibility of pregnancy, tubal ligations are a small miracle.

Like the lady who sat beside you, I tried to get a tubal ligation and was denied. Granted, I started by asking the Ob Gyn MD who delivered me (bad move!) and was only seventeen. I KNEW I didn’t want children, even then, and I never wavered -- not even once. The doctor told me that when I grew up and fell in love, I’d WANT to have my husband’s child. I knew that was a crock, but hey, he was a doctor and I was only 17. The happy ending is that my amazing, wonderful and totally nifty husband told me to make up my own mind. He wasn’t about to force me to do something that would make me miserable. I felt guilty about not wanting children -- like I was asking for candy other kids couldn’t have -- but I knew I felt definite. Anyway, I finally found a doctor willing to "allow" me to have the procedure done. I’ve got a real problem with abortion, and I know if an accident did occur, I’d probably be stuck with a baby. So, the anthro gent (I’m not denying I feel a little hostility simply because he’s a man, and where does HE get off making outrageous pronouncements like that -- not ever having to go through nine horrible months of unwanted pregnancy, not to mention 18 or 80 years of unwanted parenting!) was a bit too self-satisfied to suit me.

I was a little miffed, but mostly amused, that Shirley felt she had to stack the dais with happy parents, a terribly unhappy sterile woman, and for GAWDSAKE, a woman representing families! If this was truly a show on "People who choose not to have children", let’s have at ‘er, and get 10 or 12 smug yuppies up there that’ll really generate some heat. You couldn’t even get a good argument going without being silenced by irrelevance.

And hey, while I’m at it, can I tell you the things I was yelling at the TV screen while the show was in progress? (I can hear you now, "This woman is right, she shouldn’t have kids! Yelling at a TV screen? She’s unbalanced!")

Anyway, here’s what struck me. What, exactly, is WRONG with wanting to sleep in until noon? What is WRONG with taking peaceful, enjoyable holidays? What is WRONG with driving a decent car?

I’d sure like to know how many of those parents have enough MONEY to help an adopted child overseas, as I do. How many of them have the TIME to assist in church activities, as I do? How many of them are truly, honest-to-God HAPPY, as I am?

Isn’t there a little bit of MISERY LOVES COMPANY in all this? I mean, aren’t some of these parents saying, "Hey, I have to forgo all the pleasures you take for granted, so I don’t see why you should get off scott-free!" I’m so thankful not to have kids, I want to shout for joy! How many of them can say the same about parenthood? I realize this isn’t a contest, and I have no right to judge or condemn their decision. It’s just that, in our little county alone, in the last two years, three children have died violently. Two managed to take their parents with them (one with an AX, for God’s sake! In Airdrie, Alberta, if you want to check it out.) Many of the children I see are violent, unhappy and dangerous. What starts out being a cutesy, wootsy, widdle baby, often ends up stealing cars and doing drugs.

I see parents fighting about, you guessed it, their kids. Parents would deny this until they ran out of breath, but children CAN ruin your life! On the other hand, NOT having children never ruined ANYBODY’S life! I wish I could tell that to the poor woman on the dais, just aching to bear a child. She feels as strongly as I do, so there’s no way we’d ever understand each other, I guess.

The lady who briefly, but ever so tantalizingly, mentioned (the FAMILY matron on the end of the dais) that government should start taking a role in strengthening families was so WRONG, WRONG, WRONG I wanted to jump into the TV and strangle her. Like the father of four said, "We have to be good parents, ourselves. We can’t expect others, like schools, to do it for us." Hey, who does this misguided matron think "government" is? I am government, and you are government! I’m supposed to fork over tax dollars for television campaigns and programs to "educate" parents? Excuse me! Parenting is a tough, time-consuming job, and I don’t want to belittle it, but heavenly days, you don’t go have a kid and then turn to "the government" for help!

Like you, probably, I have tons of files on studies, like the one mentioned on the show, about how parenting is not "natural" and how biological urges to procreate are forced on us, and how the vast majority of parents (72% in the Ann Landers survey, for one) now deeply regret their decision. I sure don’t regret mine! I can literally go ANYWHERE and do ANYTHING! I fully realize how unbelievably lucky I am. I guess, by some, I’d be described as "selfish". I truly believe if I DID HAVE kids, well THEN you could truly call me selfish, for then you’d see some very neglected and unhappy kids, while I went about my life. NOT having kids, GUARANTEES those lucky little souls will not be traumatized by my indifference and dislike.

Just yesterday, I heard on the radio that the present world population will effectively DOUBLE by the 22nd century. Supposedly, the world in its present condition cannot support such a rapid population explosion. When I heard that, I smiled. In my own, small, SELFISH way, I’m doing more for the planet than all those smug parents combined. In addition to that, the November, 1992 edition of CONSUMER REPORTS concluded that having a child is the most environmentally UNfriendly act a person can make.

On a similar note, what is your reaction when you see those harried parents in a mall? The ones with the frayed and tattered hams and nerves? They haul screaming little Billy off to one side and give him a smack you can hear through the sliding exit door, and scream shrill threats at him. I (honestly!) never fail to look skyward and offer silent thanks. Recently, while observing a parent on a tirade, I caught myself whispering, "God is good, God is great, I’ll never have children that I’ll hate." It made me smile and I recite it whenever I witness one of those distressing and slightly stomach-turning tantrums.

I know I must come off sounding as off-the-wall, as all those parental "experts" Shirley dredged up. I’m extreme, opinionated, smug and all those things that drove me nuts about the parents. But I’m HAPPY! And GRATEFUL! These are things that money can’t buy and kids can’t guarantee.

You’re brave to risk public ridicule, pity, hatred. I couldn’t do it and my hat is off to you. You know you’re certainly not alone! I just wish more of these parents had put a little more time into their decision. Childfree people, I find, have often spent YEARS carefully weighing every angle.

For the record, none of my siblings wants children either, and I consider our upbringing to be a grand one. My mother is a bit mystified as to why we’re all resolute in our choice, but to her credit, she doesn’t take it personally (i.e. "Where have I failed?") and for those who insist on grilling her why I don’t have children, she’s come up with a GREAT "shutter-upper"; that being, "Elaine can’t have children," which is the God’s honest truth; they don’t need to know about the tubal! I get some sympathetic looks at parties and it never fails to amuse me.

She’s a good mother. I can’t count the times I’ve been told I would be, as well. Jerry’s line on the TV show is one I’m stealing and going to use for myself. He said something like, "People are always telling me that I’ve got so much energy and that I’m so good with children, that I should have some of my own. Who’s to say that, if I actually had children, whether any of those qualities would last?"

Hope you’ve managed to wade through all this. I had an absolute ball writing this stuff out. I honestly thought no one cared about the issue any more. Guess I was wrong!

Anyway, all I can say is rejoice in your choice. There are lots of ladies out there who would LOVE to find someone like Jerry to take the pressure off. He’s probably already received a million marriage proposals!

Seriously, take all the flak with a grain of salt. Don’t let the letters from wackos get you down. You’ve made the decision that’s right for you and best for the planet.