Humour Section

All Bizarro comics reproduced with permission from Dan Piraro. Thanks Dan!

To view a very relevant For Better or For Worse comic strip, click: http://www.fborfw.com/strip_fix/archives/001611.php

Three four-year-old kids are playing together, and one boasts, "I can wear out a pair of running shoes in a month!"

The second tops the first with, "Oh yeah? Well I can wear out a pair of designer jeans in a week!"

The third seemed unimpressed, and wowed the others with, "That's nothin'! I can wear out both of my grandparents in an hour!"

With permission from Dan Piraro. Thanks Dan!

The Toddler's Creed

If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it is a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached - at any cost.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked and eaten.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a wax crayon or permanent marker, it must write on the refrigerator, furniture, floor and/or walls.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting filled.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be rolled upon.
If it is a stroller, it must, under no circumstances, be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back and endless screaming.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon - preferably with a very hard object.
If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled open and - if at all possible - pulled completely out.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it isn't a toothbrush, it must also be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must scream to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn't stick on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it sticks on my spoon, the spoon must be dropped on the floor.
If it is NOT food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must NOT be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, juice, pee, or toilet water.

With permission from Ted Rall. Thanks Ted!

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxer shorts rather than briefs?
A. You'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.


Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.


Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.


Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after s/he finishes college.


Q. How will I know if my frequent vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.


Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.


Q. What's the difference between a very pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if your husband knows what's good for him.


Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.


Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.


Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly and duck out of the way.


Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal?
A. When the kids are in college.

With permission from Dan Piraro. Thanks Dan!

RAISING KIDS

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my kids (honest and not kidding):

1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old child's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound child wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 X 20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh oh!" it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke -- and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old child can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 37-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 2-year-old child. Others won't.

11. "Playdough" and "microwave" should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. Laundry detergent in gas tanks is quiet, but makes the engine quit.

19. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

20. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

21. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

22. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

23. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

24. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

People who pass this on to all of their friends do it because:
a) For those with no children, this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is more than enough.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So, what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?

A: It's up to you, but do you understand what the terms "alimony" and "child support" mean?

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Definition of a Baby:
A handy way of disposing of unwanted cash and filling up free time, while  cutting down on unnecessary sleep, curtailing a demanding social life, and curing a neurotic obsession with personal hygiene. (From the coffee cup of a mother of three.)

Parenting Truths:

1.  The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2.  For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3.  Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4.  The longer a meal takes you to make, the less your child will like it.

5.  Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6.  If the shoe fits, it's expensive.

7.  The surest way to get a child to do something is to tell the child NOT to do it.

8.  The gooier and stickier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9.  Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to
the bathroom.

10. Hearing the phone ring causes children to become very talkative, to have an accident, and/or to misbehave.

The Eulogy

She married and had 14 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried, and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Dear God, they're finally together!"

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he's referring to her first, second, or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

With permission from Dave Coverly. Thanks Dave!

ARE YOU READY TO HAVE KIDS?

Take the Parenting Test to see how ready you really are...

THE MESS TEST: With your hands, smear peanut butter and grape jelly on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and smear them on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Wedge a fish stick between the sofa cushions and leave it there all summer. Shove a chocolate bar into your VCR and/or DVD player and pour a milkshake down the heating vent in the floor in the living room. Pee on your carpets and cloth-covered furniture just for fun.

THE VEHICLE TEST: Buy a mini-van with cloth seats. Put an ice cream bar in the glove compartment, and leave it there forever. Jam a pencil in the cassette player and four to seven coins in the CD player. Pour a Super Big Gulp onto all of the seats and the carpeting -- cream soda or grape flavor works best. Run a garden rake along both sides of the vehicle several times. Pour a pint of milk into the defroster vent. Tap on a tail light for ten minutes with a rock at least as big as your fist.

THE TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken glass.) Have a friend spread them on the floor all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen barefoot. Do not scream, as that could wake a sleeping child.

THE GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Without the aid of a leash, always keep them in sight and pay for everything they eat or damage.

THE DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag with large holes, making sure that all tentacles stay inside. Time allowed: all morning.

THE FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend it from the ceiling with a strong cord. Start the jug swinging. For one to two hours, try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Captain Crunch) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. When finished, dump the contents of the jug on the floor; fling some onto the walls and ceiling for fun.

THE NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more songs and sing these until 4 a.m. Set the alarm for 5 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful and alert.

THE INGENUITY TEST: Take an egg carton and, using only a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now, take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle, using only Scotch tape and a piece of tinfoil. Finally, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

THE WALK TEST: Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the street for five minutes. Stop to minutely inspect every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream, "I've had as much as I can take!" until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

THE PATIENCE TEST: Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Always repeat everything you say AT LEAST five times. ALWAYS REPEAT EVERYTHING YOU SAY AT LEAST FIVE TIMES.

THE PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to your front under your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Practice vomiting, so that you can do it several times a day without once losing consciousness. Picture yourself defecating a bowling ball for anywhere from two to twenty hours. Then remove 10% of the beans. Try not to notice your closet full of clothes -- you won't be wearing them again for a long, long time (if ever).

THE PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): In less than one year, become proficient at all sports -- basketball, football, soccer, baseball, volleyball, cycling, inline skating, etc. Begin weight-training -- and don't quit until you can curl at least 150 pounds, and clean and jerk at least 250 pounds one hundred times. Learn to cook.

THE FINANCE TEST: Go to the nearest drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help him/herself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store's account. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it peacefully for the last time in your life.

THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways in which they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run rampant. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you have all the answers

Contact your local chapter: http://members.shaw.ca/nokiddingchapterone/06.htm

Contact our media spokespeople: spokespeople@nokidding.net

(30 December 2008)