There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

-C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

"No one is willing to acknowledge a fault in himself when a more agreeable motive can be found for the estrangement of his acquaintances." -  Attr. to Mark Twain

“Never allow anyone to rain on your parade and thus cast a pall of gloom and defeat on the entire day. Remember that no talent, no self-denial, no brains, no character, are required to set up in the fault-finding business. Nothing external can have any power over you unless you permit it. Your time is too precious to be sacrificed in wasted days combating the menial forces of hate, jealously, and envy. Guard your fragile life carefully. Only God can shape a flower, but any foolish child can pull it to pieces.” - Og Mandino

"It is well known that a vital ingredient of success is not knowing
that what you're attempting can't be done." - Terry Pratchett, Discworld

"They suffered from the terrible delusion that something could be done. They seemed prepared to make the world the way they wanted or die in the attempt, and the trouble with dying in the attempt was that you died in the attempt." - Terry Pratchett, Discworld

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it." - Terry Pratchett

"When we consider that women are treated as property, it is degrading to women that we should treat our children as property to be disposed of as we see fit." - Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Letter to Julia Ward Howe, October 16, 1873, recorded in Howe's diary
at Harvard University Library

"A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal."
- Oscar Wilde

"You can tell something about people by the people who respect them."
-Keith Moore

"Man knows so much and does so little."
- R. Buckminster Fuller

"Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?"
- James Thurber

"I'm not yet desperate enough to do anything about the conditions which are making me desperate."
-Ashleigh Brilliant

"I think we have lots of advantages with novels of this period and particularly Jane Austen because there is always delayed gratification. You know, to touch a man's hand would be an extraordinary thing. A look, a glance, can be so enormously significant. So this is the thing that kind of keeps us going to the end and a kiss is only possible after they have been engaged so that's great. It is much more difficult to keep the sexual tension crackling in a modern novel because there is nothing to stop them from sleeping together in the first reel and then where do you go?" - Andrew Davies

"They say time changes things, but you actually have to change them for yourself."
- Andy Warhol

"When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully
upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which open for us."
- Alexander Graham Bell

"If you have alway done it that way, it is probably wrong."
- Charles Kettering

"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error."
- John Kenneth Galbraith

"In America we can say what we think, and even if we can't think, we can say it anyhow."
- Charles Kettering

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool
than to open it and remove all doubt."
-Mark Twain (attributed)

"Truth springs from argument amongst friends."
-David Hume

"Genius ... is the capacity to see ten things where the ordinary man sees one,
and where the man of talent sees two or three, plus the ability
to register that multiple perception in the material of his art."
- Ezra Pound

"The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius."
- Oscar Wilde

"All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses
of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day
are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible."
- T. E. Lawrence

"Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places."
- Garrison Keillor

"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow in them."
- Author Unknown

"Damn, I really did it. I blew the first words on the moon, didn't I?" - Neil Armstrong
He was supposed to say, "One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." He didn't quite get it right.

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."
- E.E. Cummings

"Painting is silent poetry, and poetry is painting with the gift of speech."
- Simonides, an Ancient Greek poet

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief
that one's work is terribly important."
- Bertrand Russell

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
- George Orwell, writer

"I never cease being dumbfounded by the unbelievable things people believe."
-Leo Rosten, writer

"A great many open minds should be closed for repairs."
-Toledo Blade

"Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find
that it is to the soul what the water bath is to the body."
-Oliver Wendell Holmes, doctor

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for. "
-Dag Hammarskjold, politician

"Kai su, teknon?"
- what Julius Caesar would have said. Not "Et tu, Brute", but "You too my son" - in Greek.

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation
for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.
-Soren Kierkegaard (Danish Philosopher)

Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate woman inside it.
-O Magazine

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
- Dorthy Neville

"Graphic design is the paradise of individuality, eccentricity, heresy,
abnormality, hobbies and humors."
- George Santayana

They came first for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me,
and by that time no one was left to speak up.
- Martin Niemöller, text as found on the New England Holocaust Memorial

"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds.
The latter is incapable of understanding the man who refuses to submit to conventional prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence and fulfills the duty
to express the results of his thoughts in clear form."
Translation from a letter, 1940

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

"If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. I see my life in terms of music. ... I get most joy in life out of music."

"If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?"

"When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge."

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."

"There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle."

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18."

"If A equals success, then the formula is: A=X+Y+Z.
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut."

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."

"An empty stomach is not a good political advisor."

"You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific?
They say it has no memory. That's where I want to live the rest of my life. A warm place with no memory." - Andy (Shawshank Redemption)

"Some pirates achieved immortality by great deeds of cruelty or derring-do. Some achieved immortality by amassing great wealth. But the captain had long ago decided that he would, on the whole, prefer to achieve immortality by not dying." - Terry Pratchett, Discworld

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body.
No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!
(Captain Corelli's Mandolin)

Greg: What do you like? What gets your juices flowing?
Grissom: Someone who doesn't judge me.
(CSI 5.16)

In answer to that question you've been asking yourself: You will! Decisively. You very likely will. I mean, there's every reason to think you will. Weighing this with that, one thing with another, the bad with the good, considering all the alternatives and variables, you probably will. You very certainly, in all likelihood, possibly, in the fullness of time, all things being equal, if nothing happens contrary to prediction..... will. Absolutely.

Or possibly not.

- Brooke McEldowney of 9 Chickweed Lane

"And it was at that time that I thought about Thomas Jefferson writing that Declaration of Independence. Him saying that we have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I thought about how he knew to put the 'pursuit' in there, like no one can actually have happiness. We can only pursue it." - The Pursuit of Happyness (Will Smith)

"Let's think the unthinkable, let's do the undoable, let's prepare to grapple
with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all."
-Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently

"If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility
that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands."
-Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently

"It was his subconscious which told him this - that infuriating part of a person's brain
which never responds to interrogation, merely gives little meaningful nudges
and then sits humming quietly to itself, saying nothing. "
-Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

"In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move. "
- Douglas Adams, Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Marvin stood at the end of the bridge corridor. He was not in fact a particularly small robot.
His silver body gleamed in the dusty sunbeams and shook with the continual barrage which
the building was still undergoing. He did, however, look pitifully small as the gigantic black tank rolled to a halt in front of him. The tank examined him with a probe. The probe withdrew.
Marvin stood there. "Out of my way little robot," growled the tank. "I'm afraid," said Marvin, "that I've been left here to stop you." The probe extended again for a quick recheck. It withdrew again. "You? Stop me?" roared the tank. "Go on!" "No, really I have," said Marvin simply.
"What are you armed with?" roared the tank in disbelief. "Guess," said Marvin.
The tank's engines rumbled, its gears ground. Molecule-sized electronic relays
deep in its micro-brain flipped backwards and forwards in consternation.
"Guess?" said the tank. (...)

"Yes, go on," said Marvin to the huge battle machine, "you'll never guess."
"Errmmm ..." said the machine, vibrating with unaccustomed thought, "laser beams?"
Marvin shook his head solemnly."No," muttered the machine in its deep guttural rumble,
"Too obvious. Anti-matter ray?" it hazarded. "Far too obvious," admonished Marvin.
"Yes," grumbled the machine, somewhat abashed, "Er ... how about an electron ram?"
This was new to Marvin. "What's that?" he said. "One of these," said the machine with enthusiasm. From its turret emerged a sharp prong which spat a single lethal blaze of light.
Behind Marvin a wall roared and collapsed as a heap of dust. The dust billowed briefly, then settled. "No," said Marvin, "not one of those." "Good though, isn't it?" "Very good," agreed Marvin.
"I know," said the Frogstar battle machine, after another moment's consideration, "you must have one of those new Xanthic Re-Structron Destabilized Zenon Emitters!" "Nice, aren't they?" said Marvin. "That's what you've got?" said the machine in considerable awe.
"No," said Marvin. "Oh," said the machine, disappointed, "then it must be ...""You're thinking along the wrong lines," said Marvin, "You're failing to take into account something fairly basic in the relationship between men and robots." "Er, I know," said the battle machine, "is it ..." it tailed off into thought again. "Just think," urged Marvin, "they left me, an ordinary, menial robot, to stop you, a gigantic heavy-duty battle machine, whilst they ran off to save themselves.
What do you think they would leave me with?"
"Oooh, er," muttered the machine in alarm, "something pretty damn devastating I should expect." "Expect!" said Marvin, "oh yes, expect. I'll tell you what they gave me to protect myself with shall I?" "Yes, alright," said the battle machine, bracing itself. "Nothing," said Marvin. There was a dangerous pause. "Nothing?" roared the battle machine. "Nothing at all," intoned Marvin dismally, "not an electronic sausage." The machine heaved about with fury. "Well, doesn't that just take the biscuit!" it roared, "Nothing, eh? Just don't think, do they?" "And me," said Marvin in a soft low voice, "with this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side." "Makes you spit, doesn't it?" "Yes," agreed Marvin with feeling. "Hell that makes me angry," bellowed the machine, "think I'll smash that wall down!" The electron ram stabbed out another searing blaze of light and took out the wall next to the machine. "How do you think I feel?" said Marvin bitterly. "Just ran off and left you, did they?" the machine thundered. "Yes," said Marvin. "I think I'll shoot down their bloody ceiling as well!" raged the tank. It took out the ceiling of the bridge. "That's very impressive," murmured Marvin. "You ain't seeing nothing yet," promised the machine, "I can take out this floor too, no trouble!"It took out the floor, too. "Hell's bells!" the machine roared as it plummeted fifteen storeys and smashed itself to bits on the ground below.

"What a depressingly stupid machine," said Marvin and trudged away.

Douglas Adams, Restaurant at the End of the Universe

"Mr. Wickham is blessed with such happy manners as may ensure his making friends—
whether he may be equally capable of retaining them, is less certain."
Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

"Have I stolen the hearts of a few lovely ladies? Guilty.
Unfortunately, I was not able to give them back to them before they bled to death."
- Ask A Ninja, "Ninja Dates" (32)

"We make a nanosecond of really ridiculously loud noise to honor our foreninjas.
We thought about doing a moment of silence, but then we thought, you know what,
most moments that a ninja spends are already moments of silence,
we should do something different than that."
- Ask a Ninja, "Ninja Dates" about Janinjuary.

"Ninjas of the Caribbean would be a great movie!"
- Ask A Ninja, "Pirates 3"

Max Reid: "My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside."
Fletcher: "That's just something ugly people say."
Liar, Liar

Morpheus: "The matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room.
You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television.
You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes.
It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes, to blind you from the truth."
The Matrix

Monk: And the Lord spoke, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin.
Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count,
and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out! Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards
thou foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
Monty Python and the Holy Grail

"Nothing good ever happens after 2a.m." - How I Met Your Mother

Maria Portokalos: "The men may be the head of the house, but the women
are the neck and they can turn the head anyway they want."
My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Agent J: This definitely rates about a nine-point-oh on my weird-shit-o-meter.
Men In Black

Young Biff: "Why don't you make like a tree and get outta here?"
Old Biff: "It's LEAVE, you idiot! 'Make like a tree, and leave.'
You sound like a damn fool when you say it wrong!
Back to the Future II

Sam: "It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered.
Full of darkness and danger they were...and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end.
Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was
when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow.
Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines
it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you.
That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why.
But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now.
Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t.
They kept going. Because they were holding on to something...
That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for."
The Two Towers

"He was wrong when he said that being noble enough is all we can ask for in this world, because we can ask for much more than that. We can ask for a second helping of pound cake, even though someone has made it quite clear that we will not get one. We can ask for a new watercolor set, even though it will be pointed out that we never used the old one, and that all of the paints dried into a crumbly mess. We can ask for Japanese fighting fish, to keep us company in our bedroom, and we can ask for a special camera that will allow us to take photographs even in the dark, for obvious reasons, and we can ask for an extra sugar cube in our coffees in the morning and an extra pillow in our beds at night. We can ask for justice, and we can ask for a handkerchief, and we can ask for cupcakes, and we can ask for all the soldiers in the world to lay down their weapons and join us in a rousing chorus of "Cry Me A River," if that happens to be our favourite song. But we can also ask for something we are much more likely to get, and that is to find a person or two, somewhere in our travels, who will tell us that we are noble enough, whether it is true or not."

- The Penultimate Peril, Lemony Snicket

Frodo: "How do you pick up the threads of an old life?
How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand - there is no going back.
There are some things that time can not mend.
Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold."
Return of the King

Pippin: I didn't think it would end this way.
Gandalf: End? No, the journey doesn't end here.
Death is just another path... One that we all must take.
The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all changes to silver glass...
And then you see it.
Pippin: What? Gandalf? ... See what?
Gandalf: White shores... and beyond. The far green country under a swift sunrise.
Pippin: Well, that isn't so bad.
Gandalf: No... No it isn't.
Return of the King

Lady Bracknell: I have always been of the opinion that a man who desires to get married
should know everything or nothing. Which do you know?
Jack: I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.
LB: I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that tampers
with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate, exotic fruit. Touch it, and the bloom is gone.
The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound.
Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever.
Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

Jack: I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays.
You can't go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute
public nuisance. I wish to goodness we had a few fools left.
Algy: We have.
Jack: I should extremely like to meet them. What do they talk about?
Algy: The fools? Oh! About clever people of course.
Jack: What fools!
Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

Jack: How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble,
I can't make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless!
Algy: Well I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly, it is the only way to eat them.
Jack: I say it's perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.
Algy: When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me.
Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as anyone who knows me intimately can tell you,
I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins
because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins.
Jack: Well there is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way.
(He takes the muffins.)
Algy: I wish you would have tea-cake instead. I don't like tea-cake.
Jack: Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden.
Algy: But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins.
Jack: I said it was perfectly heartless of you under the circumstances, that is a very different thing.
Algy: That may be, but the muffins are the same.
(He takes the muffins back.)
Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

Homer: With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love!
The Simpsons

Homer: Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
The Simpsons

Homer: I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T!
The Simpsons

Homer: I believe children are the future... unless we stop them now!
The Simpsons

Homer: I want to share something with you:
The three little sentences that will get you through life.
Number 1: Cover for me.
Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss!
Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
The Simpsons

Homer: Maybe some day somebody will call me "sir" without adding "You're making a scene."
The Simpsons

Homer: Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!
The Simpsons

Dr. Cox: You know what you've done Newbie? Jordan is going to hold this over my head so long,
I'll never see the sun again. And I liked the sun newbie. It made me hopeful.
Scrubs

Dr. Cox: And you, you one-woman freakshow, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist.
Because if you are so stupid to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just gotta go ahead and change the captain of your brainship,
because he's drunk at the wheel.
Scrubs

Dr. Cox: Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies.
Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break.
Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with,
and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now,
through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love
is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken.
You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference
is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.
Scrubs

Dr. Cox: This moment is so great, I would cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of tiny little moments!
Scrubs

J.D.: [thinking] Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it...
Elliot: [when JD walks by Elliot and Carla] Carla, I can sense you're upset, talk to me!
J.D.: [looks confused, the continues walking and thinks] OK, but Turk is a prideful guy and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive...
Dr. Cox: [when JD walks by Dr. Cox and Jordan] Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive...
J.D.: [looking back to the hallway, thinking] Touché, magic hallway!
Scrubs

Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.
The Colbert Report

"I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital
punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about
it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment."
The Colbert Report

King envisioned a day when the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners, could sit down together at the table of brotherhood. For a feast of plenty. I believe that day has come. And what I wanna know is... what will we have for dessert? I can't speak for others,
but for my own part... I have a dreamsicle. [...]
He wanted children not to be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character! Just like this dreamsicle! If you judged it solely by it's outer shell, you'd think it was a sorbe. You'd be missing out on all it's inner, creamy contents. Look at the way the white and the orange are working together, side by side in harmony. Mmm... I really wish you could taste this! If you think of the orange part as white people, and the white part as black people, it's almost as if the two races are holding hands. Because all men are created equal... equally delicious! [...] AGH! Brain freeze!
The Colbert Report

Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
The Colbert Report

Spider-Man: Dude, don't you have any supervillians you can acutally fight?
Every superhero gets to fight a villain that can match him these days.
Superman: Really?
Spider-Man: Yeah, at Marvel we do. In my new movie I got Sandman,
I got Venom, Green Goblin... The X-Men got Magneto and Dark Phoenix.
Even Batman just got Joker and TwoFace. What did you get?
Superman: I got a rock.
Spider-Man: Well, at least it can kill you?
Superman: Yeah... I guess that's something.
Marvel vs. DC #4 (Mac vs. PC parody) on YouTube

"Saying I apologize is the same as saying I'm sorry. They're the same. Unless you're at a funeral.
To live is the same as to dream. If you do both long enough you'll see.
But you have to work in between. Unless you have narcolepsy...
Earrings are the same as sneezes. Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two, then God bless you." - Demetri Martin, Sames and Opposites

"I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did." - Demetri Martin

"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live.'" - Demetri Martin

"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'" - Demetri Martin

"I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors." - Demetri Martin

"There's a saying that goes "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." Okay. How about "Nobody should throw stones." That's crappy behavior. My policy is: "No stone throwing regardless of housing situation." Don't do it. There is one exception though. If you're trapped in a glass house, and you have a stone, then throw it. What are you, an idiot? So maybe it's "Only people in glass houses should throw stones, provided they are trapped in the house with a stone." It's a little longer, but yeah." - Demetri Martin

"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly." - Demetri Martin

"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat!"
-John Lehman

"The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet."
-William Gibson

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
-Erma Bombeck

"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly
and safely insane every night of our lives. "
- William Dement

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
- Douglas Adams

"If life hands you a lemon, throw it at someone."
- John Rzeznik

"Propel, propel, propel your craft
Softly down liquid solution.
Ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically,
Existence is simply illusion."
- Fred Rogers, parody written for Mister Rogers' Neighborhood

"Never look at the trombones. You'll only encourage them."
- Richard Strauss, on conducting

"Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end."
- Igor Stravinsky (Famous Composer)

"Hell is full of musical amateurs."
- George Bernard Shaw

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."
- George Bernard Shaw

"A true gentleman is one who is never unintentionally rude."
- Oscar Wilde

"It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."
-Oscar Wilde

"Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
-Pancho Villa (Revolutionary)

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good.
Luckily this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitten (Women's Lib)

"You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
- Yogi Berra

Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
-Ambrose Bierce (Satirist)


"When you don't know that you don't know,
it's a lot different than when you do know that you don't know.
He knows now that he doesn't know. Last year, he didn't know that."
- Bill Parcels, New England Patriots head coach, on 2nd year quarter-back Drew Bledsoe

"I'm not indecisive. Am I indecisive?"
- Jim Scheibel, mayor, St. Paul MN


"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." - Erma Bombeck

"Good judgement comes from experience, and experience--well, that comes from poor judgement."
- Cousin Woodman

"The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist."
- Aaron Machado

"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid."
- Richard Braunstein

"Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have."
- Anonymous

"It's only the losers named Dave that think having an unusual name is bad,
and who cares what they think. They're named Dave."

-Penn Jillette of Penn and Teller (on naming his daughter "Moxie Crimefighter")

"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film."
- Anonymous

Somebody's sending me flowers;
Oh, what a sweet thing to do!
Every new day brings another bouquet,
But I don't know who to say Thank You to...

Sometimes they come through the window,
Or down at the chimney they fall,
Sometimes at night when I turn out the light
They come through a crack in the wall.

Now that my house is a garden,
Bursting with blossoms and blooms,
I stand there for hours admiring my flowers,
I'd like to sit down, but there just isn't room.

Somebody's sending me flowers,
More than I ever have had;
Remarkable stuff,
But enough is enough;
If I see another bouquet, I'll go mad.

He started by sending me bluebells;
Strangely enough, they were grey.
Each little bloom had a nasty perfume,
And besides being grey, they were paper mache!

Next came a garden of fungus;
Then what a beautiful treat,
They sent me a plant that proceeded to pant
And later began to eat meat!

The cactus corsage touched me deeply,
A beautiful plant in its prime,
I felt just the same when the rock garden came,
One rock at a time.

Somebody madly adores me.
I don't know who it can be,
Since I can't afford to be madly adored;
I do wish they'd stop sending flowers, C.O.D.!

- A Song

Threadless T-Shirt Slogans

haikus are easy
but sometimes they don't make sense
refrigerator

Video games ruined my life. Good thing I have two extra lives.

I listen to bands that don't even exist yet.

Being vague is almost as fun as doing this other thing.

Bring Back Naptime!

I like movies, long walks on the beach, and cliches.

Sublimi'mAwesomeinal

In Case Of Emergency: Breakdance

A city built on rock and roll would be structurally unsound.


Internet Bumper Stickers

Since this is an image-heavy page, click here to see them.

Quotes from Bash.org
From IRC conversations

And from Overheard in the Office and Overheard in New York

"I believe in God like I believe in the sun, not because I can see it, but because of it all things are seen."
-C.S. Lewis, writer and theologian

"...people often say about Him: "I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God." That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher.
He would either be a lunatic--on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg--
or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice.
Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse.
You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon;
or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God.
But let us not come with any patronising nonsense about His being a great human teacher.
He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to."
-C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

"Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of - something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap-clap of water against the boat's side? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by tear, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it - tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become mainfest - if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself - you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say, "Here at last is the thing I was made for." We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friends or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all."
- C.S. Lewis


"It's very beautiful over there..."
- Thomas Edison's last words, about the view out his window. Maybe.

The popularized acronym WWJD ("What would Jesus do?") is not quite accurate.
The question must be "How does Jesus do it?"
- Eugene Peterson

"It is one of the fantasies of the 20th century that believers are credulous people, and that you have to be a materialist or a scientist or a humanist to have a skeptical mind. But of course exactly the opposite is true. It is believers who can be astringent and critical, whereas people who believe seriously that this universe exists only to provide a theatre for man
must take man with deadly seriousness."
- Malcolm Muggeridge