*05/27/03 - The Dream Machine - By Mike J
The Dream machine is taking passengers, do you get in? If you do you will be swept away on an adventure of unbound proportion. The dream machine is just that, able to transcend time and space both at the same time. Where will you end up, no one knows. When will that be, it is IMPOSSIBLE to tell. On the exterior it is disguised well as a 1982 AMC concord. But on the inside lie the magical components giving it the power to defy gravity, shift the fabric of time and space, then be back in time for work Monday morning.
Myself and a few other people were the only ones curious enough to climb aboard and see what sort of strange adventure would unfold before us. Once in, the doors slammed shut and the lights dimmed. A slow soothing voice from began to emanate from the dashboard.
"You have stepped aboard the dream machine. I only have enough power to take you to any 3 places you wish so choose them well" It whispered.
I was sitting in the back seat on the passengers side. Someone in the seat in front of me suggested to us that we go see the worlds largest bra. It seemed like a good test of the Dream Machines abilities and so it was decided.
At the same moment that we all decided on a destination, all light coming in from the outside world was suddenly gone as if someone had flicked a light switch. We sat in complete darkness. All of a sudden the engine of the Dream Machine was heard roaring to life and the whole vehicle began to shake violently. We noticed far off out the windshield a tiny glimmering star. We all watched in awe as that tiny speck began to grow as the Dream Machine continued to rumble and shake. The light of the star grew and grew until it consumed the dream machine. It was far too bright we all must have closed our eyes.
Then again just as quickly it had begun it was over and the light was gone and the engine of the Dream Machine rumbled to a halt. We opened our eyes to discover we were on the roof of a building of some down town city. The doors opened with a hissing noise like we were getting out of a space ship or a pressurized room.
We all got out of the Dream Machine, It felt as if I had been sitting in the same position for days so I had to stretch my legs and back. We looked over the north edge of the building to see an astonishing sight. Yes, it was the largest bra ever. I'm glad that one of my companions had a camera because I would have had a hard time describing what I saw. There was a car half stuck under the large bra and people were standing all around. After we had a lot of good laughs we climbed back aboard the Dream Machine. The same slow soothing voice began to speak.
"Where would you like to go next?" It asked.
I suggested we go to a desert somewhere. My companions curiously asked me why. I explained to them that I had seen a picture on the Internet of a cactus that looks like it has an erect penis. I continued to explain that I wanted to see if it was real or not because the picture looked as if it had been tampered with. This sparked the curiosity of my companions as well and just like the time before the doors slammed shut and all light from the outside world was gone. As the engine rumbled and shook we again noticed the same glimmering speck off in the distance. As the light grew and grew we closed our eyes because it was so bright.
When the light was gone I opened my eyes to discover we were in fact in the middle of a desert paradise. Before us stood the cactus we wished to see. It stood perhaps 15 feet tall. Its member just like in the picture was about 7 feet long.
We all piled out again feeling stiff like we had been sitting for days on end. It was kind of getting late so I suggested that we just camped out under the cactus dong for the night. We lit a fire and all sat around and talked for a while.
"You know what would be great right now, If we had a couple of cold beers" I said.
As if it had heard me the truck of the Dream Machine popped open. I went over and looked with astonishment as the truck was completely full of ice cold beer. We all grabbed a few and began to get drunk. We all began to get the feeling like there was someone watching us, I told them it was just the beer talking to them. All of a sudden a naked blue dorky looking kid climbed out from behind a sand dune. He identified himself as a 'Time Smurf'. It didn't really matter at that point who he was, we handed him a KMFDM T-shirt and a beer and told him to come drink with us.
When we all woke up the Time Smurf had cooked us some eggs and bacon. We ate it and then took a picture of the cool guy and parted ways. We all climbed back into the Dream Machine and started discussing were our next destination was going to be. We all came to the agreement that we were going to go meet one of my companions great great grandmas while she was still alive because apparently she had a HUGE tumor growing on her ass, so it always looked like she had shit her pants.
The doors slammed shut again and the world went dark. The engine roared to life and we began to shake again. The small glimmering light ahead of us again appeared and began to get closer. All of a sudden there was an explosion and the Dream machine began to shake more violently than ever before. A red lights that said check oil and fasten your safety belts began to flash on the dashboard. The light that we could see growing in the windshield began to shrink, until it was complete darkness again. The engine stooped and we just sat in darkness. After a few moments light began to fade in and we found ourselves in what appeared to be a living room. But everything was enormous, we couldn't have been any bigger than what would be a cat to our eyes.
"Where are we?" Asked one of my companions.
The slow soothing voice from before began to speak. "There has been a malfunction with my pre-discombobulator unit, we are currently in the living room of the 'Fat, naked, human eating, time Giant'. I can repair the damage myself but I will need 10 minutes."
"So what are we suppose to do? Wait for this fat, naked thing to eat us?" Asked one of my companions.
About 7 minutes went buy when we heard a large thud, followed by another louder THUD. Then and even louder THUD, and that's when we saw it. The fat naked time giant walked around the corner into the living room. With each footstep the whole room seemed to shake.
He turned his attention to us, in the middle of the living room. He began to flex his muscles and pose in various positions to intimidate us. We immedently pushed Shane out the passenger side door. As he banged on the window and ran around frantically flailing his arms around the fat naked time Giant grabbed him and took him out of the room. We could hear him screaming in terror and the giant moaning in a very disturbing way.
The soothing voice of from the dashboard then said "The repairs have been completed, where would you like to go next?"
"BACK TO OUR OWN TIME" we all shouted in unison.
We all looked back to the corner were the giant had dissapeard with Shane earlyer only to seem him peek back around the corner with a sick looking grin on his face. The grin quickly faded when his gaze stoped on us and he began to run at us. Just in time the world went black as the engin roared to life and the Dream Machine began to shake violently again. I remeber feeling very relived to see the glimmering light at the end of the tunnel. As the light grew and blinded us. I opened my eyes to find that we were parked infront of my house.
I looked around and was unable to belive what I was seeing. I opened the door and stepped out. "Thank you for rideing in the Dream Machine" Whispered the voice from the dashboard, its voice made me breath a sigh of relife.
I slammed the door shut and with a bolt of lightning the dream machine disapeard.
I walked up my steps and opened the door. "Mom, What day is it?" I shouted.
"It's sunday." She shouted back from around a conor
"What time is it?" I asked
"11:59 p.m. Now, shut up I'm trying to sleep" She replyed
From the door I could hear her get out of bed and walk down the hall way. When she walked around the corner I was so shocked I almost had a heart attack
"Y...y...your...not...your not my mom" I managed to say...
