Tales From The Penguinmobile

Once upon a snowy path Cliff Doneen and the turkey in the straw were sipping warm munster buttermilk out on the ocean. The air was filled with a foggy dew when from the dark isle came the song of the lark in the morning. "Hark" said the lark, "I am the King of Ballyhooley, but you can call me Planxty". Suddenly the star of the county down went super nova and Planxty was transformed into a singing penguin. Planxty and Cliff set off down the rocky road to Dublin leaving the turkey in the straw to his devil's dreams. Before they could reach the holy ground, swallow tailed Martin Wynnes accosted them with a rambling pitchfork. He wore a torn petticoat stolen from drowsy Maggie while she slept soundly in the morning. They thought he was a longford tinker but he insisted he was a penguin from castle kelly. He joined Cliff and Planxty and off they went. Along the way they came across Patsy Geary who was smashing windows in his mason's apron, having had too much whiskey before breakfast."I'll tell me ma" whined Martin. "Give us a drink of water" asked Patsy but instead they gave him a jug of punch which he thirstily drank down. In the blink of an eye he changed into a penguin. They all set off down the gravel walk past dobbin's flowery vale. They came upon the mullingar races in which Julia Delaney was racing the peoples anon. The growling old man and woman yelled "Go lassie go", and with torn petticoats flying, Julia raced past the sally gardens. Screaming like a banshee Kate Dalrymple streaked past the finish line waving a salamanca. "Take her in your arms" Julia yelled to the penguins. The race ended suddenly when Julia was hit by a kesh and had to be rushed to calliope house at coleman's cross. It was there that Fanny Power nursed Julia back to health. In came the penguins and said "Give me your hand"

"Sheebeg" said Julia
"Sheemore" said Fanny
"Do you love an apple?" asked Cliff
"Ah" said Planxty, "But red is the rose and green grow the rashes"

The star of munster blazed overhead as Julia and Fanny were transformed into penguins. This being their first day in town the penguins decided to visit the parish of dunkeld, located in the fields of athenry. Inside the church stood the curator, Jack Haggerty, brandishing a silver spear and wearing nothing but a black velvet band as he performed the ritualistic dance of the rights of man while sacrificing a goat. The penguins, feeling a little unsafe, decided to continue their pilgrimage to the lighthouse in gracelands. On their way they encountered a crested hen shouting "A fig for a kiss, the flax is in bloom". One look at its wee willie's whiskers and they continued on again. In temperance they stopped for a glass of beer. At last they arrived at the cliffs of moher where they met two groups of dancing girls, the bantry lasses and the maids of mitchelstown. Martin led them on their way, playing his auld orange flute till they discovered Maggie Woods trapped in the lighthouse, surrounded by the soldiers of joy. The mouth of the tobique flowed around its base. "The water is wide" cried Maggie. "Banish misfortune" chanted the penguins and the soldiers disappeared. Maggie was free. They followed the mountain road back to the cliffs of moher when suddenly Martin leapt over the edge wailing "Farewell to erin!". The rest of the flock squawked in dismay.

And that's how the Lighthouse Penguins got their name. Honestly.