Parts 1 - 5: One day, with my daily mail, there was a little information card from the fire department. It outlined a few 'Fire Safety' pointers like changing the batteries in your smoke detectors and the like. I gave it a quick glance, asked my wife if she thought the smoke detectors needed new batteries and threw it out. Nice to know these guys are on the job. A week or so later, I got another one, this time a blurb about barbecues was highlighted. Apparently they all have to be 18 inches away from any combustible surface. Of course, now it was obvious who was responsible for this terribly important correspondence. So I promptly went out to the garage and cut a stick precisely 18 inches long and marked it as such in very bold letters. A twisted piece of coat hanger to hang it off the fence and now I can sleep at night, knowing all is safe in my world. I haven't yet had a chance to thank Kookooboy for pointing out the folly of my negligence. However, a week or two later, I did get the opportunity to thank the fire department in person when they showed up yet again. I wasn't quite sure why they needed to be called out for what, unknown to me, was the fifth time. The fire inspector looked at the barbecue, sitting precisely 18'' from the fence and was shown the stick. He thanked me for my time, said all was obviously in order and left. He seemed very agitated. I can't imagine why. This was, apparently, the last time they were about to respond. I hope they respond if I should really need them. I did apologize to him and he assured me the matter was closed.
Update: As it turns out, this one Is not over yet!
Kookooboy wants to try to get some more mileage out of it.
Part 6: February 2, 2004 (Note the date): I came home at the end of the day and was rearranging vehicles. As I was approaching my garage door, I heard a knock on a window. I looked over and saw Kookooboy standing in his kitchen, holding up an instructional note for me. It informed me that the barbecue should be 18'' away from the fence. In fact, it wasn't! Since we had a very heavy snow fall lately and I had used the snow blower to clear the driveway, I had moved the barbecue around and returned it to a corner, very close to the fence.
Current conditions: -34C and calm. Much as I would like to have a barbecued steak, I really don't think I will even attempt it at these temperatures.
A basic assumption I have, that may be wrong, is - a frozen, unused barbecue poses virtually no threat of fire. Mine can be considered 'In Storage'. If the fire department should show up, I will quiz them extensively regarding this and various other possible threats, like vehicle fuel tanks and the lawn mower in the shed. Maybe I should ask about the proper storage of gas powered Weed Whippers?
It really wasn't 18'' away from combustible surfaces. I feel bad!
18''! Are you listening! I am... closely.
Son of a Bitch ! They showed up!
Part 7: February 20, 2004: The temperature climbed above the freezing mark today. This gave me a wonderful opportunity to cook a steak and some shrimp on the barbecue. So, I pulled it away from the fence as I was instructed to do by Kookooboys elite safety team (of one). It turned out to be a wonderful meal. However, it did get interrupted by a full fire crew complete with a very large lime green fire engine. Those things are really big close up. So, Kookooboy phoned the fire department and sent them over to my house. I consider this to be a gross misuse of the resources. It was amusing, but I suggested to the fire people that I would like them to forward a bill to Kookooboy for the bogus call. This is our tax dollars this nut case is squandering on his personal paranoia. After a brief inspection of the area (there were three of them), it was quickly declared (by all three) that there was no problem. I filled them in about the history of this issue and again suggested they submit an invoice for their time to Kookooboy. I also inquired about a few other by-laws that could be in violation. It was an informative visit. They seemed amused by the whole thing. They took a few details, said good-bye and then tried to leave. Of course Kookooboy was hiding in the wings. When he saw his chance, he pounced, arms flailing and greasy hair blowing in the wind. I thought it was good of him to come out and show them what we are up against. From my vantage point, they didn't look all that amused at this point.
I've taken steps to alleviate this severe problem! No, I still plan to barbecue. But I've hired a full time permanent fire marshal.
Meet Sparky
The latest addition to my imposed War on Fire Hazards
He will occupy a prominent position, monitoring all issues pertaining to Fire Safety until such time as a reasonable level of Safety is fully restored. I hope Kookooboy doesn't get the idea I don't take him seriously. Pretty damn childish all around, huh?
Oh, yea. I also replaced the 18 inch fire safety stick that was stolen. In an attempt to keep things anally safe, I've chained this new one to the fence to avoid further theft of this critical safety equipment. I have my suspicion as to the thief. If required, this new stick will be treated with an appropriate fire retardant. And you busses - STAY OFF!
February 21, 2004: I barbecued some pork chops tonight and so far, without incident. Nothing outside the barbecue burst into flames. No spontaneous Kookooboy combustion or anything. Sparky was on the job. Thanks Sparky and thanks, Kookooboy, for pointing out my negligence yet again. The chops were very good. Used a little Franks redhot in the barbecue sauce. It just adds a nice tang.
Part 8: (?) I'm wondering, again, what's going to happen if kookooboy or I should ever really need their services? This 'Crying Wolf' he's done so often has really gotten out of hand. I am pleased to see they still respond, but I fear it may be similar to the idea of testing something to destruction where you may not be aware of the destruction. By the way, according to the officials, the 18 inch rule only applies when said appliance is in use. This strikes me as sensible. My assumption was correct. I really should have checked, though, to be sure. Can't be too safe. Or too Crazy, apparently.
I really think Kookooboy thinks he is performing a necessary function with all his delusional reactions. This is sad and imposable to react to rationally. It's like holding a balloon under water or nailing jello to a tree or protecting yourself from all the rules of political correctness. They just keep getting upset and inventing new ones. Same kind of incessant stupidity. In Kookooboys case, I believe it's pathological.
Side point: With adequate thrust, pigs fly just fine...
September 19, 2005: It was brought to my attention that Sparky was not properly equipped for all the hazards he might encounter in the course of his duties.
He could have been subjected to all manner of radiation from sources unknown, be it space aliens or Government conspirators or what have you. So he has now been equipped with a 'Radiation Hat'. I would suggest this might be a required upgrade for Kookooboy when he does his yard work. You never know what's being beamed into your head, ya' know! Sparky needs a new red T shirt too.
October 15, 2005: Woke up this mornin', My hat was gone. Someone disliked it and pried it off my head.
Well, Sparky had a rough night. Someone, did indeed, steal his hat. I'm at a complete loss as to what kind of ner'do'well would do such a thing to my little buddy. Oh, well. At least he's still able to do his job
Sparky sans Safety Helmut
JD9's Fine Yard The Auxiliary Driveway The Transit System
My Dangerous Barbecue My Faulty Parking New Fence New Trees
The Garbage Can Incident How 'Koo-Koo Boy' was Coined The Seniors Complex
Previous Owners Miscellaneous Stories about Koo-Koo Boy
Updates & New Adventures The Manhole Opinions?