Updates are noted at the bottom of this page.
Latest Update: October 21, 2005
I Live Next To A Lunatic
Lunatic: Lu´na`tic
(a.) Affected by lunacy; insane; mad.
(a.) Of or pertaining to, or suitable for, an insane person;
evincing lunacy; as, lunatic gibberish; a lunatic asylum.
(n.) A person affected by lunacy; an insane person, esp.
one who has lucid intervals; a madman; a person of unsound
mind. i.e. Kookooboy...
My House Number is 668. I am the
neighbor of the Beast
This site is strictly for humorous purposes. Everything cited within these pages are a true accounting of my experiences with my neighbor. I harbor no ill will and wish no bad things on anyone, although after reading these pages you may doubt this. I truly just want to entertain. As a chronic joke teller and a person who believes in 'Anything For A Laugh', I had to set this page up. It is my therapy and the way I cope with this lunacy.
On October 30, 1994, my family and I moved into a new house. It was much bigger and better than the last one. The people we bought the house from had warned us about the neighbor, albeit, briefly. Actually, all they said was’…he’s a kook…’ I found out later, they were selling out because they couldn’t handle his nonsense anymore. The sad thing is, this is a moderately upscale, mature, established neighborhood. Who knew what was in store for my family and I. Except for the subject at hand, it is a very good area to live and raise children. With this one exception, I am very content here and have no intentions of relocating. If I should ever win big in a lottery or somehow find myself tripping over money, I doubt I would move. My garage would be bigger, though.
So, without further adieu, on with the ongoing saga of Kookooboy. All was fine with my new house. I was a happy camper. I could deal with a nutty neighbor, I thought, being a bit off the wall myself.
The
First meeting
Spring 1995: I first met Kookooboy by the back garbage.
We introduced ourselves and traded pleasantries. He then informed me I had three
chances. If I pissed him off three
times, I would be marked. I assured him he had the same respect and we parted ways on
a slightly less friendly, but still amicable note. So it became official, the man is nuts and has
audacity. I wondered if he was violent.
Let me describe Kookooboy to you at this point. He’s in his late forties, maybe fifty, about 6’ 2’’ and 140 lbs. (soaking wet). He has never had a hair cut or shave (and possibly a bath) since I met him in 1994 and was obviously unfamiliar with these concepts then. He dresses in filthy denim and has an odor. A very noticeable odor. As it turns out, he is also the most territorial, insecure, paranoid man I have ever met. He has no friends, no wife, and no kids and, yes, for a little while, I thought he was a sad story and took pity on him. That notion didn't last long.
He does not work, nor has he since I met him.
I can only guess as to his source of income.
I have asked and his answers were evasive. The story he tells about his work career, as with all his stories, is one
of pure fantasy with extreme embellishment.
Apparently there were lay-offs in the 80’s and he decided to leave in
order to let a younger married man with small children keep his job.
I guess he worked with a bunch of ingrates, because I heard after he
left, they burned the couch he used to nap on.
Cheaper and easier than fumigation, I suppose.
On many an occasion, he would regale me with horror stories
about the mean things my predecessor had done to him. These stories were many, but I think my favorite was how the husband
had once piled snow from this driveway onto Kookooboy’s side yard up to his window
(sometimes the tale would be told with the snow reaching his eaves).
This was a 75-year-old man he was referring to.
I can only hope to be in that shape if I reach that age.
I tolerated his antics for the first few years.
Finally, my patience did start to run thin.
1).When I put up a new shed, he had me move it three or four times, away from the property line, before it had his approval. Final resting place – over a sprinkler head. I knew this wasn't totally necessary but tolerated it for the sake of community harmony.
2). Upon completion of the shed, he phoned the city numerous times to complain about the rain water shedding off of it. This was before and after the addition of an eaves trough.
3). He assured me, time and again, that if he wanted
to, he could make me move my garage.
One day, Kookooboy decided that a piece of his front lawn, adjacent to my driveway was his ‘Auxiliary Driveway’. This created a few years of street parking problems for him, since people would regularly plug this ‘Auxiliary Driveway’ when they visited the seniors complex across the street. I would hear about every one of them, sometimes late at night. One day, one of my daughter’s friends came to visit her and, not knowing any better, parked there. The performance at my back door and the anger he leveled at the young girl was the final straw for me. Our "Friendship" ended on the spot. Since then, it has been an endless series of visits from every city department to my back door telling me about my latest transgression against him.
This neighbor from Hell continues to be petty, mean, nasty and vindictive each and every day of his life. He lives for it. As far as I can tell, he has nothing else, unless you count the fire hazard that is his back yard. Since I have the dubious distinction of being the only person on the planet that shares a property line with this problem child, it was inevitable that he would eventually direct his paranoid delusions in my direction. I don't believe it's me, necessarily, I believe it's the 'House Beside Him'. But, I guess, just because your paranoid, doesn't mean no ones out to get you.
The links below elaborate on his antics in some detail. Read, enjoy and be thankful this is not your Website.
Kookooboy's Fine Yard The Auxiliary Driveway The Transit System
My Dangerous Barbecue My Faulty Parking New Fence New Trees
The Garbage Can Incident How 'Koo-Koo Boy' was Coined The Seniors Complex
Previous Owners Miscellaneous Stories about Koo-Koo Boy
Updates & New Adventures The Manhole Opinions?
Kookooboy has
new admirers
This damn counter reset itself at about 4000 then again at about 485 and won't seem to let me reset it. Crap software.
Update Notices
Latest Update: October 15, 2005
Kookooboy seems to be the new traffic Control Officer
See: Barricades
Previous updates:
See: Stolen Hat
See: New Hat
And still no word on the promised prosecutions yet...
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